loved and wanted

There are days there is a lump in my throat. And I ignore it as best that I can. There are days that I just so incredibly miss being loved and wanted.  I am loved often, and I am am wanted occasionally- usually by married men. But, I have only been loved and wanted once. And having known that- there is a deep ache in my soul missing it. But at the same time, I feel myself forgetting what it was like.  And that makes me so sad.

Someone told me today that I am winning at life. I don't feel like I am. I struggle. Alot.

on fb today

As I sit and contemplate my life and how it's gotten to where it is now, the ups and downs of faith.... The fact that today marks Good Friday is not lost on me. The year I turned 30 was the time I stepped deeply out in faith with the desire to learn how to Love like God loves. It was not easy. My path became tumultuous. Ups and downs, joy and pain, people came into my life and and others left. Thousands and thousands of miles were put on my car and on my feet as I traveled the length of the United States a few times and then explored Europe. 31 and 32 I stepped further and further into the faith of living by being in tune with the voice of the Spirit. I learned about expectations, and how God doesn't force people to follow the destiny of their best lives. That loving people is always the best road to follow, even though the result may and probably won't match your expectation.
Now I'm 33, and 34 will be here in a few short months. Today is the day though that we mark the death of Jesus. He too, was 33. It's pretty earth shattering to contemplate.
He knew of the betrayals and loved anyway- to no lesser extent.
There are too many feelings to put more into words.
I pray for my life to be an example of love, that hope is the thing that I can share with the world.