going away party

Had an incredibly lazy morning these past two days. Couldn't get motivated. I ended up taking a long shower- until I realized I should probably wash my hair before I ran out of hot water. So nice- and then I went to meet up with some friends for lunch, and then headed out to see another friend. So it ended up being a pretty good day. Didn't hear anything further about people looking to buy my car, which sucks. But one of my friends says she has a cousin who might know what to do/and be willing to take it off my hands. We'll see.

Going through and picking out my outfit for the evening. Going to shock the locals with my miami-wear. But, I don't get to dress up often, and because I'm throwing the party myself, I can do whatever I want. haha

It'll be fun.  I'm interested to know how many people actually show up. So far like 12 have said they'd be there, but we'll see.


-------------


So- it was the 12 people, several others sent apology messages, I mean, we were in the middle of a hurricane, so it's understandable. I can't even begin to describe how loved I have been made to feel.
Van and Pat gave me a hundred dollars in a card that was simply beautiful, Danette gave me an ankle bracelet and a beautiful card also. Brenda gave me a saint raphael card because he's the patron saint of travelers and happy meetings- Pam brought a big cookie for everyone to share. And the rest just showed up with their beautiful faces. It was wonderful.

Father Joe came to my work tonight and gave me $100 also- and asked me to pray for him as he would for me.  <3 a="" always="" amounts="" and="" been="" can="" catholic.="" come="" difference="" don="" even="" eyes="" from="" has="" have="" he="" heart.="" him="" his="" how="" i="" in="" interaction="" just="" know.="" knows="" life="" limited="" m="" made="" masses.="" me="" melts="" my="" nbsp="" never="" not="" now.="" of="" one="" orders="" p="" restaurant-="" short="" so="" such="" t="" tears="" the="" time.="" to="" togo.="" ve="" with="">
My life is magic. 

sunshine

There's a hurricane blowing through just to the west, we're supposed to be getting some of it, but at this point, the sun is out and it's a beautiful morning.

Basically that is the story of my life.

There's magic when things are supposed to be getting hairy.

So I met Brittany at the outreach small group, and it just so happened that she needed a place to live, so she's moving into my house as I leave. It's turning out quite well. She's already started moving her stuff in, and my stuff is mostly boxed, I just need to finish and start filling the car. But, most of my "stuff" is kitchen stuff so I needed to get to a point where I didn't need to use things anymore. I just finished up my final cheesecake, so everything is done now. Technically I'm going to be here another week, but I'm just going to eat at work for this week. It makes the most sense. Free food that I don't have to make, dontcha know.


Been dreaming alot again. My subconscious is in a tizzy. It's still getting over Micah, if that were possible, but then there's this guy Brent that's been talking to me everyday for the last month. We just laugh about things and talk about daily things. I don't ask him about his life too much, because I'm scared of it going in that direction. He's older too, so I'm terrified of that. And, I'm afraid besides surface stuff, we don't have that much in common. So, I don't really see a future. And you all know how I am about seeing a future. I need one. I can't just do a relationship for the moment. It's immature. I don't feel the need to learn from relationships, I just want one to grow with and into. With Micah, our lives could have easily melded. We both enjoy the simple life, we both love exploring and traveling, we both love people and helping where we can. We both love music and sharing that with people. It looked like our lives could meld despite it all. But that was not to be.
So, I'm a friend to Brent and anyone else- and I don't know how fair it is to them. They've never met anyone like me, so are drawn like moths to a flame, and I'm scared I'll burn them- because I see no future.

In the dream, the guy I was with, hacked my computer, but it wasn't really my computer (dreams are weird like that), and he saw all these pictures of micah, some real memories, other not real memories- and this guy was so hurt that I still had them. "They're just memories." I said in the dream, "I loved him for years."
But see, that's the whole clincher. I'm not ready in real life to delete pictures, words, memories. I don't look at them, but, they're memories, and I'm not going to destroy them and let nature take its course.  But even on the subconscious level. I guess it's my head knowing that things are not entirely packed away.
I just want to do what's right. By me, by him, by anyone that comes into my life. There's been carnage and I need it to stop.

struggles

I was struggling yesterday. Not for any great reason, but, because I'd dropped off my peace lily to Judy and she and I had discussed my plans for leaving. She, knowing my whole story, is not under the impression that I should move away either.  So I get scared. I get scared that I'm not doing the right thing, that somehow I misread the signs.  And then the people that come into my work, there are SO many that I am going to miss. They all hug me and tell me to be sure to come back.  But, even when I do come back, things will be different. I'll work somewhere else.
I don't know.
So I was sad. My landlady called me to see when exactly I'd be out, because someone I know is interested in renting it. I called my friend, and it turns out that she was in a tight place as far as housing went and feels like this is a miracle.
And suddenly I felt calm again. Yes, leaving right now is the right thing to do. Coming back will also be the right thing, eventually.
This guy Brent has been texting me every day for the past 3 weeks or so. It's just mostly funny stuff, or daily stuff that we talk about. I share way more of my life than he does. He's a regular at my work, so I've known him for months, it's just recently gotten to the place where we talk. But, of course, I'm leaving. Yet I want to know who he is. I want time. But that's not the way it's going to go.  The other thing is that, he's 15 years older than me, and that's too much. And, he is/was a trump supporter.  Those are huge.  I am always concerned with consequences. What the end result will be.  I hate that I always know. It's a choose your own adventure that I check the endings before I start.
There are times I get haunted by what might have been, what if I was wrong.
Like that guy from the other day that kissed me. My blood has been on fire ever since. I find myself changing the scenario in my head, if I hadn't considered the consequences, if I had made different decisions. What would happen if I saw him again.  But, the magic of love that I possess does not continue with a life lived based on my own desires.
Over and over I see the stories of my life, the inspiration they provide, the sigh of jealousy that comes from people who made different decisions and now must live with the consequences.  But, I live this life to share it, you can't, so I will. That's why I can't make selfish decisions. The life I lead is not just about me.

And there are days I just want to be wrapped in someones arms, someone safe and strong. I don't know why that is not in the cards for me.

and now for something completely different

So last night I had an experience for the storybooks.

For some reason we didn't get any sort of business until late at work, and then had someone call with a 8 plate order, which takes awhile. During which time I had a couple tables walk in. One of which being a guy by himself. I told him straight off it might be awhile until his food came, so he asked archly if I would join him. I laughed.  I took care of the people that I had to take care of, and while he was eating his dinner, I sat down to talk to him. It basically turned into a date. There were the usual telling of stories of our lives, how we came to be. Then when everyone else had gone, he was still there. It was time for him to leave, but he was just trying to not leave.  I wished I was a different sort of girl and could ask him to take a walk by the bayou. But I knew what result that would have. He would take me up on it, and there wouldn't be any walking- or talking, for that matter.   He's not from around here, he's just passing through, so there was no future, and I just couldn't.  So as he's standing there next to me, about to leave he says to me, "I'm sorry, but I've just got to do this before I leave." And he takes my face in his hands, and kisses me, passionately.
The thoughts that ran through my head, were "shit, I haven't done this in a long time, I'm so out of practice," and "shit shit shit, the cameras."   And the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness, actually.
And then he left.
I finished up the paperwork and walked out the door, halfway hoping he'd still be in the parkinglot, but that would've been dangerous. Doesn't take much for my blood to run red, and it was definitely there.


I had gotten my hair cut a few days prior and the hairdresser was a man. He asked me why I didn't have a guy, that he would find me one, if I wasn't leaving. But- as he's cutting my hair, he tells me that, I've got it going on, but if I let him bleach my roots and do my eyebrows, with those enhancements, I'd certainly find someone.  I laughed at him. No, leave them alone.
After leaving there I made up stories about how it's my eyebrows that scare the guys away.

So, this guy kissing me, was just... appreciated.

So on the story of my life goes, full of random adventures.

I decided

I decided after that post yesterday morning. I decided to go, because I'm afraid of it. I don't want to be afraid of anything. I made the announcement that I'm leaving, the people here were in shock/so sad. The people in Florida- ecstatic.
But I can't even begin to tell you the trepidation I feel.  I don't think I've ever not wanted to leave a place this much.
So I search for meaning, does this mean I shouldn't go? hahaa
Second guessing myself all the time.
There's no reason to stay- just the people. The community here, but it can be a false sense of community. Currently they're rallying around because I'm leaving, but how many months went by without seeing or hearing from anyone, unless they came into my work to eat.
So basically, I feel like I'm leaving, with the intention of returning one day.
I don't want to work just to pay the bills, and in florida, that's what happens. But there, I should have way more freedom, and a beach, and friends. So I'm going to experience that for a while.  I'll come back here one day, I know it. Or maybe not, maybe this is the end of the road.  Maybe this is the fork. Destiny is written in this moment.  And that's why it scares me. Because I don't know the right choice, so I made the one that sounds right on paper.  The reason I doubt it, is because I moved here even though it made no sense on paper.
Yet, showing Eve love by coming there to be be a help to her, sounds like a good choice. I couldn't really move to Colorado, because there were no jobs, but that's not true of Florida.

Forgetting

Why do they say that it is better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all?

Sometimes I wonder.
Sometimes I find myself forgetting that I was ever loved.

I had a man tell me yesterday, "I don't understand why you don't have a man. You are exactly what every man is looking for!"
Except obviously I'm not.

This is not me feeling badly about myself, my identity. This is just a touch of bitterness, I think. Remnants of pain to be unleashed.

Mornings are just difficult for me, normally there will have been dreams, and there is nothing in the morning to distract me from introspective contemplation.

I was thinking of yesterday, I saw Larry for the first time in like 2 months, and he asked me how "my boyfriend" was. It's hard not to be bitter about that. I feel like the pain on my face and in my eyes is clearly visible. He told me to text him when I got off work last night, so I did, but he was uncommunicative like he has been for the last while. I don't get this guy at all. I'm not usually confused by people, I normally understand them and their motivations quite easily, but this one, not so much.


I'm still on the fence about leaving. There have been no clear directions either way. Of course I am free to go if I want, but is that me taking control of my life and living outside of a life based on faith alone? Or is it merely the next step, and it's up to me to take it, even though it looks scary?  Why does it look scary? Because this is me limiting God to working in my life to here. As if He couldn't do it over there.
I'm scared of stepping on my own power, because I want the life of magic that happens when one walks in the Spirit.


One day at a time.

continuing on...

So, I was talking to my mom about this yesterday-  Remember back when Danette referred to me as a christian, and it made me uncomfortable?  Well- that theme remains.
Yesterday I went to the big church that I go to, the one that I've been seriously getting involved with. They had me sign up for some classes- which is fine, but the more I go, the more I realize that I seriously dislike it. No matter how you look at it, there are parts of me that are Christian, but the entirety of me? Doesn't qualify.  And I feel like a chameleon, which is something I've been trying not to be.
I've been reading this book Jonathan sent me called "experiencing the depths of jesus christ" it's pretty great in a sense, like I totally want people to be familiar with the concepts, especially people that have difficulty hearing God. - or want to understand to a greater degree what being one with God actually means, and how to do it.
I mostly agree with it, but, I have to admit, I do have a problem with the denial of self. Yes, absolutely following the Spirit is better than what your brain comes up with. However, there is such a declaration of you are bad, you are a sinner- that there is nothing good in you, that I feel has to be false. Your identity isn't bad. Having one, I mean. If God didn't want us to have them, he wouldn't have given them to us. We'd simply be zombies. Living as Christ, living with love, and therefore showing God in all that we are. That is what is important. Denying ones nature to be selfish, to be prideful, to retaliate when we are hurt- that is good.
I know I'm basically splitting hairs, but I just can't get on board. And the church thing, so much of it is evangelizing. So much of it is heaven or hell.  So much of the Bible being the end all be all- so much so that they say, don't agree with what I say, find the proof in the word! - It's as though they don't realize that 6 christians can read the same passage and it will mean something different to each. So it can't be your proof.  Is it loving? Does one see Jesus because of it? Will it cause someone to stumble?  Those are the questions to ask.

And I am officially a crazy person!



I am deciding whether or not to move to Florida- clear water beach, to be near Eve. I don't know. I'm inclined to go most of the time. Try somewhere new, have one of my best friends near by. But the other part of me shrinks back. That life is just a repeat of the old life, in which I'm merely living to make money. Here, I'm beginning to be a part of the community.
I don't know.

Testimony- new addition

This is a summery of my life- the irony- the coincidences- and how I see God in my life.

And the word of the Lord came saying, “Testify. I will make your life a testimony of my Love. “  And so it was.

I felt that it was time to re-write my testimony to include all of the magic of God over the past year of a life lived in radical faith.

My God story doesn’t feel like it has a beginning. God always was a part of my life. If you want to get down to the earliest I remember though, when I was 3, my brother said the prayer and got saved. That meant I needed to also. My parents tried to lead me in it, but I couldn’t or wouldn’t say it correctly.  I remember being so incredibly frustrated. But, finally it was said and I was “saved”.  My brother got baptized, but my parents felt that I was too young. There were many times over the years where I wanted to get baptized, but I didn’t- because I had become too proud to admit that I hadn’t ever been baptized. So, that didn’t end up happening until I was 25, I think.
When I was 8, I remember attempting a life swap. I had this really bad feeling something was going to happen to my mom, so I ask God to take me instead. Nothing happened to either of us.  I wouldn’t say that because of that, but it definitely played a part in my subconscious mind, I was God’s. When I was 14, I had to know what I believed and why. I couldn’t just believe the things my parents did because they did. I needed to know why, and it needed to be my own thoughts.  So I worked up a page on my personal website titled “My Beliefs” outlining the things I believed that were outside the standard box of Christianity.
When I was 15, my world of doctrine was rocked- what if the Bible wasn’t inerrant, what if it wasn’t God on paper? What if there were errors?!   So began my journey into a life of following “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.” – because everything else would fall into place if I did those things.   As I grew older, I discovered that people felt judgement from me. That God was a God of judgement and condemnation because I stood apart from people. I was a Pharisee in my own world.  So I took a long hard look at myself, and changed, little bit by little bit.

When I was in my early 20’s, I got involved with a grass roots church that was community service based. It was just what my soul needed, love in action for the community. We asked around in the neighborhood, “What do you all need?” the overwhelming response from this poverty stricken neighborhood was “something for the kids to do.”  So, I answered the call, and started a small after school program. I had about 5-10 kids each week, aged 14-5. What a year of learning for me!  Being able to be a safe spot for these kids, teaching them practical life things, as well as just listening to them- still to this day, one of the best experiences of my life.

Leadership in the church changed, and things fell apart. I was very hurt by some of the things done and said to me, so I decided it was time for something new. It was time for me to learn Joy. How does one learn to have Joy from within instead of being based on people, circumstances, and things? So I moved to the beach, the place where happiness is found.
I learned so much there, the peace and joy found in the majesty of the glory of God manifested in nature. The coincidental God-appointed meeting of life changing people.  I had a man ask me, “What are you on?! Can I get some?”  He seriously thought I was high on something found in pill form.

Circumstances changed, due to the harsh nature of seasonal work on the beach, and I knew it was time to move on. On a wing and a prayer I wound up in South Florida, a job was provided the next day, a house and furniture followed soon after. It was a year and a half of learning new things, trying my hand at relationships. Learning the consequences of disobedience, and watching how my life choices effect other lives.  Towards the end of my time there, I was feeling restless. There has to be so much more to life than going through the motions of working to exist. What if the white picket fence lifestyle and the happily ever after isn’t in my future? What do I do then?  See the world. Experience more of what life has to offer, instead of settling for mediocrity.
So, I went back to the beach for a summer, and worked a lot- made some money and ventured off on an unplanned adventure.

My first stop was in Ohio, seeing friends that I hadn’t seen in awhile. Christian friends that I could share the stories of my faith, stories of the things I’d learned. I had been away from the Christian culture for about 3 years at this point, so it was like refreshing myself on a forgotten language. I just wanted my friends to see how much they were loved. How God is not looking at us as though we were failures, sinners- but how he looks at us and sees Jesus. How living in that love can be life changing.
I kept on my journey, stopping to see other friends who were pastoring a church in Kansas. There was more thrilling conversation about God there and the things He was teaching us. They asked about my next stop, and I told them I wanted to visit the Garden of the Gods in Colorado. They told me to make sure that I visited the little town of Manitou Springs while I was there. Little did I know that stopping there would change my life.
That morning, I parked on the edge of town, where you could park for free. I meandered my way down the sidewalks into town. The homeless population seemed to be the same as the number of tourists that morning.  As I walked, I saw a man sitting on a wall, he had a guitar next to him and he was reading.  Go talk to him. The Spirit of the Lord prodded me. “Oh hell no.” I told God. “Do you not realize how dangerous that is? I am in a strange town, thousands of miles from anyone I know. That would not be safe for a single female to do. He’s a bum, what am I supposed to talk to him about?! It’s not going to happen.”  I am walking on the other side of the street and go down into a little shop that advertised glass art, something I tend to be very intrigued by.  But the whole time I’m in the shop, God keeps pressing me. I mean it, Rebekkah. Go talk to him. And I would respond, “Dude!! You’re crazy. This is not okay!!!”  Until finally, I was like “fine. I’ll do it. But I’m not happy about this.”  So I walked back up the hill to the man sitting on the wall. To this day, I have no idea what was in that glass art shop, the whole time I was in there -that furious conversation with God was happening and I couldn’t focus on anything else.  As I approached the man on the wall, I could see that he wasn’t just reading a book, he was reading the Bible. Internally I laughed. Oh God.  “Whatcha reading?” I asked him, as he looked up and smiled at me. “The Bible,” he responded. “Yes, but where?”  “In John!”  I ended up sitting down on the wall with him and exchanging life stories for the next 2 hours.  He was intrigued by my journeying, and I was still unclear as to the purpose of our meeting- so I let him follow me on my travel blog, and adding eachother on facebook.

I headed out of town shortly after and made my next destination Seattle Washington. At this point in my life I was interested in a guy that had recently moved to Costa Rica. He had extended the invitation for me to come visit him, and we’d see if things progressed. Well, on the drive to Seattle, he informed me that he’d decided that he was not a one-girl kind of a guy anymore.  Naturally, a girl doesn’t like to hear that she is not enough, so I was very hurt.  I’d never been one to date just to date, but while I stayed in Seattle with one of my younger brothers, I dated a lot. Just to see what it was like, to try to understand. But, what I did end up understanding was more about myself, that these guys saw merely the surface of what I showed them. Internally, I’d see the ways we were not compatible, but they didn’t because I am a chameleon and only show the colors that make me blend in.  I’m not one to fight, and I’m not one to insist on my philosophy.  As I bided my time in Seattle, trying to figure out my next step, I started working at a little BBQ joint. One day a guy came in and we got to talking, he was leaving the next day to go on a mission trip to Turkey, but invited me to visit his church. I told him no, but thanks. I wasn’t really into church these days. But, I would keep it in mind. A few weeks later, a date was cut short, and I got dropped off at my house 15 minutes before this evening church began and I felt the Spirit telling me to go. Whhhhyyy. I don’t want to.  Okay fine.  I think that God wants me to either hear something edifying or meet some people in the community. So, I go. It’s a small church and I walk in, no one says anything to me- before or after service. While the pastor preached, I listened intently, but I just wanted to stand up and tell him that he was teaching the congregation of a God that sits in judgement of you day in and day out, instead of a God who looks at you and sees Jesus. The God he was teaching was the God of guilt.  After I left, I was so upset. Why did God want me to go to that church, it made no sense. I didn’t meet anyone, and the message was terrible.  I needed to vent. All of my Christian friends were on the east coast, and with the time difference it was after 10pm. But then I saw that the guy from Colorado, Micah, was online- so I sent him a long facebook message detailing my angst. That was the beginning of our friendship. It progressed rather quickly, and for quite a while I could tell he was crushing on me. I wasn’t interested at first- I complained about him to my mom, “he’s too Christian”. I knew there were other issues about him that scared me, like my dad he suffered with depression and a tendency toward bi-polar- but the biggest thing of all- he didn’t know all of me, he still only saw the me that the chameleon showed. So one day I wrote him a long long email telling him all the things he didn’t know about me, telling him the things that scared me about him in an effort to make him see who I really was. To scare him away.  He called me after that email and we talked for hours. We talked things through, and we were closer than ever.  Not too long after this on one of our several hour conversations on the phone he said something that changed my world forever. “Rebekkah, God keeps telling me to tell you something, and I didn’t want to, so I said no the first couple times.”  I laughed at him. I could totally relate. “I love you.” He said with a rush, and then added “like a sister!” as my shocked silence filled the airspace. I had never had an issue saying I love you to someone, ever, but this felt like it was before God, and I didn’t feel it yet.   We passed on to a different subject. Another conversation,  “maybe I need to move to Seattle!” he joked. “Bah! I hate it here.” I returned, “I’ll come there!”  Suddenly it became a serious conversation.  Over the next few days, I asked God about actually going there, and everything, seriously everything pointed to yes. Even my dad was in favor.  So within a week everything was packed back up in my car and I was headed to Colorado.
Over the next several weeks there were so many emotional highs and lows as we figured out our relationship. I had knocked down all of my walls for him to see me as fully as possible. God said Love- so I did, as completely and totally as I could. I learned so much about love. I finally had some real world comparison for the idea of Christ loving us like a bride. How intense, how complete.  But one day everything changed, he came into the room and said “I have to tell you something, you’re not going to like. God told me “She’s not the one.”” I sat there in shock, “You’re right, I don’t like it.”
I was furious with God. “How dare you tell him something and not tell me? When all of this has been me following You! I spoke to him because you said to. I went to that church, I messaged him, I let myself be vulnerable, I moved out here, all because YOU said to! And now this?!”
The still small voice spoke to my spirit. “It wasn’t the end of the sentence, what he heard. But it was all he is capable of hearing right now. ‘She’s not the one, yet.’ Is the whole sentence. But he needs to work on some things first, and if you’re occupying his mind and heart, he’s not going to work on them. I want you to pray together.”
Now, I have issues with prayer, especially corporate prayer- I’ve never understood the purpose, the real world effect of prayer. I talk to God all the time, but not in prayer form, usually.
So the next day, I told Micah what God had told me, and that we needed to pray together. He wasn’t too psyched about the idea either, so I didn’t push it. I failed there.
I moved back to North Carolina- leaving my heart and soul there with him, if it wasn’t time, it wasn’t time. But at this point he’d been my best friend and lover for several months and for me, nothing had changed but the distance between us.  As I left, God was telling me to Trust.  

I didn’t know how to trust, what was I trusting in? There was the ebb and flow of trying to maintain a friendship with Micah, but my feelings never changed. I loved him more than anyone else on the earth. I asked God to let it leave my heart, because if he didn’t feel the same anymore, it was pointless. “Trust me,” was the only response. “You are learning love from my perspective.” 
Spring came and after my sisters and then my best friend’s wedding, I boarded a plane to Europe. I was leaving for an indefinite amount of time, destinations yet unplanned. God just kept saying “trust me with your life. Let me be in control.”  So I did. It was terrifying. So hard. But let me tell you, the things I encountered, the people I met, conversations had, it was absolutely incredible. God started showing me hearts in random places, in the stone fence line way up the mountain in Wales- only visible from where I was standing. In the ruins of a castle wall. Two side by side pebbles in the Mediterranean sea- just to name a few. It was as if God was reminding me of His presence all the time. “You are loved. You’re doing great.”  During this time He allowed the friendship of Micah and I to grow again- deeper into sharing even more of the magic of God in our lives. What a blessing it was to be able to share all that I was learning in my struggles and successes with someone who inspired me to be better than I was. It’s an incredible thing to be loved as completely as I was.

I returned home after 9 weeks abroad lost as to my next move, where to now? What was the next step? Where do I live? I stayed with my parents for a month as I worked on the beach to recoup the money I had spent living overseas. The Lord started pressing Louisiana on my heart. Louisiana was where Micah was from, we had visited his parents there while I still lived in Colorado with him.  I didn’t want to go there. There was no ocean. There were no friends. What would I do? I would be surrounded by memories of a time when he and I were together, and that just sounded heart breaking.  But God kept saying “Go. Trust me.”  I told my friends, I told my family. Everyone thought I was crazy. Micah was the one person that supported me. He’d witnessed God in my life. As I entered Louisiana, the still small voice of God told me, “Hope. You are going to learn Hope.”

In the days and weeks following, God saw fit to allow Micah to end our friendship. To this day I am uncertain of the cause. But still the order of the day was “Love, like I love.” and “Hope.”  I was surrounded on all sides. “Hope Chapel” was the closest church to my house. Random hearts found everywhere, almost daily. A word from a stranger, “I know this is weird, and I don’t often do this, but God’s really laying it on my heart to tell you something. ‘Don’t you dare give up hope. You moved here for a man. There will be restoration in his family.’”  This stranger knew nothing of my life. I was blown away.
There was so much pain in my life. Feelings of rejection, of despair, of worthlessness. There were feelings of betrayal by God. And aggravation. Why did I still love someone who had turned completely away from me?  That was something only silly, stupid girls did, and I was certainly neither.  My prayers were constant, how could I hope, and what was I supposed to be hoping for?
My life still went on, God brought so many amazing people into my life through the little authentic Chinese restaurant where I had found a job. The area is so much more religious than anywhere I’d ever lived before. Talking to customers about God and the stories He had given me, giving love to anyone in need, almost daily. 
The Father reminded me to pray. Pray for Micah. How was I supposed to do that? I don’t know his life anymore, what was I to pray for? So I began to write prayers out in a notebook, several times a week. I realized over time, that when you genuinely pray for someone, pray that they achieve all they were meant to, that love finds them and changes their world. You cannot be upset with that person, understanding sets in, love wins over pain.
Learning to love like Jesus is never an easy process, I guess. How many times have we denied Him in our lives? How many times have we ignored Him? How many times do we refuse to communicate with Him? How many times do we shut down on Him?
Yet, ever He loves us, not only in the good times when we love Him, but in the bad times too. How great, how magnificent is that love.

I’ve been learning community here, what it’s like, how it functions. The people here in Louisiana are by far the most welcoming that I have ever lived around. It blew me away that after living here 3 months I had 3 different families invite me to Christmas dinner with them.
There has been an ebb and flow of closeness in the friendships with the people that I have started building a life around. It’s so foreign to me. Letting LOVE reign supreme, never allowing hurt and pain to win the day.  There are so many stories of coincidences that have guided my path, hearing a sermon that relates to my life. Meeting people who speak words of life. Other people who come into my life for the tiny but significant moments of meeting Jesus through love.  I cannot tell all of the stories, because so many are still in the process of being written.  But there have been so many steps, so many “oooh! This is why you have me here at this moment” times. It’s been a thrilling journey.
Over the past year that I have lived here, I have been broken, I have healed, I have loved, and I have lost. I have had faith, and overwhelming doubts. But this journey that I am on, is one of radical faith. I am learning to give over control of my life to the Father.  The only thing I am in control of is how I react to situations. I have a choice to either be love and show God in all that I am. Or, I can choose pride and selfishness and believe that my present moment is the only important thing.
I choose to believe that there is a bigger picture, that the difference that I can be in this world only comes with my choice of radical faith. Less than that, I settle for mediocrity.

Onward.