Christmas Eve and beyond

 What do I want to say about how everything is going? 

After all the nonsense with Karen, I didn't hear from H for weeks. I just let him have his space, figured he was in therapy of some sort, and that he'd reach out when he was ready. Christmas Eve I sent him an email just wishing him a merry christmas, because- I hadn't heard from him, and I missed him. Last year Christmas Eve we spent together, and that was priceless. He immediately responded to my email, and then ended up coming up and spending the whole day/night with me. 

We didn't talk much about the things he's been going through, it was more of a day just to play and enjoy one another. We listened to music from our childhoods, we played around on the piano for hours... we enjoyed eachother. It was so good. Meant the world to me. 

He left abruptly the next morning, as is his habit. He gets scared and runs.  

He called me at 4pm yesterday and we were on the phone until after 1 am. Talked about everything, He is in therapy 3 times a week- we talked about everything he's learning and figuring out, the changes that he wants to make. It is good. I see so much improvement already. I just adore him so much. I've hit that breaking point with him so often over the years, but honestly, the thing that breaks is my expectations and my attempt to control the narrative of our story.  It's when I've been able to let go and just take the moments as they come that things heal. 

Where is this story going? I have no idea. Just waiting to see. 

developements

 So apparently Heath crashed and burned again. I hope his dad gets him the help he actually needs. His ex Karen has been texting me, and honestly, that's so much worse. Her impression is that I am nothing to him but a kind person who he feels bad about hurting. I wonder if that's the truth. Was everything a lie?  Could I have been that manipulated and deceived?  I don't think so... but, I guess it's possible. 

I just want to curl up and cry. I also want to go to his dad's house and get some answers. I also want to go to his house and get my piano and never speak to him again. I also want to get him and move away together and live happily ever after.  I'm so conflicted and hurt and scared. 

sigh

 I got a text late last night waking me up- from Karen. She's the older divorcee that H was seeing last year around this time. His sugar mama, he tried to keep her happy so she'd help with money. Well, apparently she was going through his At&t phone records and saw a number of calls and texts to my number (and others) so she texted me. Told me about his DUI (which is actually why he was in Ohio apparently, for a court date) , told me that he told her that I was stalking him.  I don't know how to feel actually. More numb and ambivalent than anything. I can't tell anyone about this, because everyone already hates him. So it's something that I'm going to have to work through alone.

I knew there was someone else, and I knew (after Ohio) that that was Karen. So I feel like I've already had time to process the majority of it, so that's why I'm not upset. Besides, my mantra has been to live in the moment, especially with him. I can't have expectations or hopes. It disturbs my peace that he told her that I was stalking him- so that will need to be addressed at some point. All of this actually makes me want to talk to him and clear the air, but unfortunately, he doesn't operate on my time, I'll have to wait for him to call me. 

The longer this goes on, I feel like I see light at the end of the tunnel, only to have it blow up in my face. At what point will I close it all down? Will I hit a point of no return? 

compartmentalization

 I do my best thinking in between waking and sleeping. I don't know why, maybe because my imagination is wide open from dreaming.

Anyway, my thoughts today ran to H, as they usually do. My brain is always trying to figure him out, and see if there is a way through the mess. 

We talked on Thursday- and I went over there. I should have asked him to come up here, because I might have gotten him longer. Be that as it may, it was a wonderful time. I felt loved and wanted and desirable. We'd been talking about how we needed to get back to the basics of what we enjoy doing together before the physical stuff became a part of our lives. He brought it up, not me, which was a good sign, I thought. We did a little of that, but, the physical was too distracting. So we played around and made love in so many ways. 

As I left he asked if he could call me later, which he does often when I leave, to which I always reply to the affirmative. He never calls.  

So, I'm left with always wanting more. Before we were physical, he used to tell me everything that was going on. Any time of day I could basically tell you where he was and what his plans were for the day. Once we slept together for the first time, everything changed. He told me that he put too much on me, and didn't want to keep doing that. That was when the door to his life shut.  There's glimpses through the windows every now and then, but I was put into a compartment. The struggle we have now is because I don't want to be put in a compartment, I know what it's like outside of it, and I don't like being confined. But, he's scared of me because I know too much. The girls that he's let outside of the compartment haven't been privvy to his innermost thoughts like I have been. 

And so here we are, I sit here waiting to be let out of the compartment, while he struggles to keep me there- and so feeling are hurt on both sides, and we both want to let go, but can't. 

The more I understand, the more I can forgive. I need to talk to him about all of this, but my emails don't get read, and text messages can't be longer than a sentence or two. I'm going to ask him about voice messages, maybe that will help. 

mistake

 I don't make mistakes very often, but when I do, they're a doozy. 

God damn Mustard. I was so done with him. So done. But then he called, and I just wanted everything to be okay again. He was in Bowling Green Ohio and asked me to come visit. I had to work, but I called out, just so that I could go see him. To prove that I would go the extra mile? I don't know.  It was supposed to be a great night of fun, and then a day of adventure and showing me around the city that he went to college in.  What did it end up being? Sigh. He was drunk by the time I got there, and had passed out on the bed. He was awake for some fun for about an hour and a half, but then fell asleep. He woke up the next morning with an intense hangover, like unable to move and was going to throw up.... finally he got up when he realized his other side chick canceled his flight. (I didn't know she was still in the picture, though I should have guessed.) The next 3 hours were spent trying to book a new flight and lock her out of his frequent flier information. Then we drove to the airport and went our separate ways.  In the first moments of my being there, he showed me a text that he was in the middle of writing to me, but my name in his phone was not my name. Which means he's around girls and doesn't want them to know we text. My heart shriveled and died in that moment.  

I cannot. There is nothing more. 

a month later

 Not all in. Ups and downs and sideways. 

My life was pretty much of a disaster over the month of October. I didn't make progress on the book like I wanted to. Heath was a straight mess of on again off again. I had no job, and was unable to find one. Nothing was working out. I had to call a debt from my brother who owed me $1300, by transferring it to another brother, because I was down to my last $100. I hadn't been that poor since I was 18.  So the feelings of failure and indescribable stress were every moment of my life. 

The month of November however, has been a welcome change. Everything feels like it's coming together. Even closure - hopefully- with H.  I can't keep on this yo yo, I feel like he's killing my love, and I hate that, but the fact remains. 

I was assigned a 10th grader to mentor, I am about to do a class to teach literacy to adults, I have my first client with the Barefoot Life Coach, I had someone order desserts for a popular event- so Pieces O' Ate is back in business.  So MANY good things. 

all in?

 So Thursday morning H called me- I skipped an interview to continue talking to him. We talked about where we were at. He told me to tell him that he needed to choose to either be all in or be out. So, I did. He chose to be all in.  But, in the days that have followed, I see no evidence of this. He hasn't called, hasn't texted, once again MIA. That doesn't say all in to me. I'm sad, because I thought he was finally choosing me. I told my friends that he said he was all in because I was so happy, so excited that he was going to be mine.  He was even planning our wedding on Thursday. I would have never dared get that far into the future, but knowing that's where his head is, I thought it was safe. But no. 

I haven't been able to convince myself to do anything today- or yesterday. The only thing I did yesterday was get food and go to Gator's in lake mary to convince them to give me a job since I hadn't been able to find one.  Then of course, today I get a text from the place I wanted to work at- wanting me to come in for an interview.  So, I'm going to do that. 

I have been able to do some writing, which is surprising. Usually when I'm this far down I can't write either.  Not too much left still to write, which is exciting. Then it will be time to re-write and send to an editor.  - and then figure out the publishing process. 

Tomorrow I have a meeting at 10 with a lady about mentoring kids. That's a good step. But then,  I really need to figure out setting up the life coaching business. 

I just wish he really was all in. So I didn't feel so alone and feel like I'm floundering. 

f you says the universe

 I sometimes get too big for my britches, and the universe decides it's time to knock me down a peg or 12. It's not comfortable, and I don't know what to do with myself when it happens. 

I honor the magic that is my life, but when I start expecting it, I think that's when it blows up in my face. This time has been harder than most- because it has used people. 

It started with my boss in the real estate thing, continued with Heath not being there for my birthday in any fashion- continuing to this day, the lack of job and lack of callbacks, author friend of mine that has been supposed to meet with me for a consultation bailed again for the 3rd time.  It's really alot for my psyche to take. 

I'm uncertain how to right the balance. 

stress

 Pretty much non stop stress, even through my bday weekend because there is no job. Sleep has been messed up.  Went to bed at 5:30 yesterday but woke up so much. Stressing, mostly about Heath. Why that makes everything so much worse, I don't know.  He's been weird the last few days, so there's the nagging thought in my head that he's changed his mind- but that's my own insecurities. 

He won't talk to me on the phone, but, he does still text me a little bit. He's not avoiding me altogether.  So, we'll see. 

I quit

"You're such a millennial" she said to me with a tone of slight derision. "You give up when the going gets tough." 

I took a moment to take that in, to reframe my response to being something that wasn't "Fuck you too." 

This whole situation had begun earlier in the morning, well, it had been building for the last several weeks, if I'm honest. 
Yesterday a tenant had called me, because she hadn't been able to contact my boss, and things were simply not progressing.  She'd been without AC in her house for the past 3 weeks, when it had happened, my boss had started the fix by calling the home warranty people- and getting them to send an ac mechanic out.  A week went by, nothing, 2 weeks, someone went out and then said the part would take a while to come in, 3 weeks later, nothing.  The tenant is pregnant and works from home.  So, I get with my boss, we have to do something about this. So this morning, she decided that it was time to take this into our own hands. The tenant was uncertain about what the part was exactly that had to get ordered, something having to do with the fan motor, they thought. So, my boss, asked if I would call different AC companies and see if they had the part.  But, that we weren't going to have them take care of if unless it was less than 200. 
When I found out that the tenant didn't know what the part was, I told her, so she got pissed off and told me it was the fan motor, and took it on herself to call an AC guy she knew, and ended up telling him to go out and take a look to verify.  

I don't have that sort of authority, she'd just told me that she didn't want someone going out, and I was just supposed to find out if they had a part that we weren't even sure of. What an awkward conversation to have.  So, now I'm frustrated.  Her whole reaction was passive aggressive- she would just do it herself if I didn't "want" to do it.  My whole point in telling her that we didn't even know what part it was for me to call and ask about, was so that she would authorize a service call to rediagnose.  So, I told her we needed to talk. 

"If I'm being honest, I'm not sure that this is going to work out with us." I said, beginning the conversation. 

"Good. That's what I've been thinking too." She responded. 

Well, good. Easy out, but also, damn.  I think to myself. 

She tells me that she's been having doubts about me ever since I had my mental breakdown, and left her in the lurch labor day weekend.  (She pushed and prodded me to talk about a traumatic event that I was not prepared to talk about, and yes, I shut down. She told me to take the whole weekend off, so I did. I did not leave her in the lurch. She hit a snafoo that weekend that she blames me for, but honestly, I had done what she asked, and I assumed it was taken care of- because she and the other person involved were in communication without me. )  

She back peddled when I brought those things up in response, and said that she didn't know what I needed from her. 

So, I told her all the things I've been thinking about, the goals for my life. How I don't think this job will work for me because it doesn't feed my soul in the way that I need it to. 

She took it as an attack on her and her character. Because she believes in helping people too, to an extent. But, she believes that giving money to people is how to help, and that's what she's trying to do, get in a position where she can.  But that's not me, and not where I would find my meaning. Would I like to be wealthy so I could give money away? Sure, but, fixing the heart of the problems is where I want to be. 

She left it up to me, to call it or stay. When I decided to call it, that's when she called me a millennial. After everything that was said that I haven't written about, because this was a 2 hour conversation, I honestly couldn't respect myself and still stay. She's so two sided, says all the right things and wants to do the right thing, but when I see her interact with contractors she's so not understanding and cheap. Says she wants to do right by me, but I just don't see it. And I can't see myself wanting to learn more about renovating bathrooms for rich people.  I told her I'd stay for the month of October and finish up the projects we're working on, but she said no. Just be done.  So, okay. 

So, yes, I quit another job. And, yes, part of me worries that she is right, I can't stick with anything. But I know that isn't true.  So what's next? I'm going to take the next week and a half off of work, and muscle through some book stuff. Go up to NC for a last bit of research- have my bday weekend and then get a job on Tuesday, the 10th.  

overthinking

Because that's what I do. Because I don't trust. Because I can't. 

Things are very slowly moving in a direction with Heath. He told me yesterday morning that once he gets himself together, he sees us together, but he feels bad asking me to wait. 

Sometimes I wish someone else would sweep me away, someone who wasn't afraid to love me, and wanted to be with me 100%. This whole "almost" shit is for the birds. I know he loves me. That is evident. But, I don't know that it's enough.  And even if it were, would I be happy? Would he be the man I need him to be? 

Right now he's like a drug. I get on such a high after talking to him, and I get so low when I don't. I try to rationalize and even out the flow, but even still, it's like the tide.  

darkness breaks

 Saturday night I had called Heath because I was in a situation and didn't know how to get out. I just felt like I needed him to save me. He didn't answer though, and I got home and dealt more with the guy. Heath did try to call me back a little while later, but I was immersed in conversation at that point and couldn't answer, and when I tried to call him back later on, he didn't answer again.  I sent him a few texts during the week, because for some reason, two other people had gone out of their way to be unkind to me. Unfortunately, I can't be everything to everyone, but calling me self centered and a fake and a fraud is way out of line.  That being said, Heath finally called me Friday night, drunker than drunk- hiccupping even. He was embarrassed, and got of the phone, but called me again like 2 hours later when he was manageable.  We talked for hours about everything, even came up with some storylines, just because.  I told him the situation with the contractor and how scary/dangerous it had gotten. And, how I was supposed to meet with him later on in the day. Well, that freaked him out, and he got so protective of me. It was adorable and wonderful. It was as though I could finally rest, I didn't have to hold it all together, because he was there for me.  We didn't get off the phone until like noon.  But, he checked on me all afternoon. When everything was resolved by around 5 though, I could tell he'd retreated, and honestly, my heart hurt a little bit. But I treasured the night/day with him.  But then he called again at 1, and I went over to his house after a few hours on the phone talking about everything. It was straight magic for my soul.  It was probably the tenderest I've ever been treated, the realest and most true conversation all night. 

It was literally a gift of magic from the Father. If I had had to continue to live with harsh darkness and violence of the the contractor, my magic would have been damaged, but this was like proof for me to effectively blossom instead of retreat.  I am so beyond grateful. 

My stress

My stress level has been off the charts all weekend long. 

I can't continue down this road. You bring me face to face with darkness, and I cannot live there. My heart won't allow it. I'll break.  I want to create safe havens away from that world for people who need the magic. I don't think I have the strength to live in it and still maintain my magic. You pull me towards darkness and I will not go.  You need someone that can match your ferocity, but I am not that person. I will build walls because that is how I protect myself, and walls aren't meant for relationships.   

failure

 I don't even know how to describe these last few days. Moments of fun, disappointment, scariness, depression, boredom, excited. 

This is the story. Wednesday afternoon I met a contractor at one the the houses we're remodeling at work. There were sparks between us and he texted me after to ask if I was single.  We talked on the phone for 3 hours that night, mostly about his past. And it concerned me, but still, I was interested to see what would happen there.  I was already sad because Heath hadn't ever gotten back in contact with me and here was this guy who seemed totally in to me. 

We made plans for Thursday evening, but then he asked if he could just come over and watch a movie with me because he was exhausted after work. I hesitantly agreed because I have been down that road with "movie watching" before. So, I told him no hanky panky expectations.  Well, it wasn't much of a visit. He didn't end up getting here until late, and he'd fallen asleep during the movie, and was impossible to wake up. I however, cannot sleep on this couch, so I went and slept on the bed until his dog woke me up. So I went and tried to wake him up again, more successfully this time, he took the dog out, and then came and joined me in the bed.  But then hanky panky happened. I wasn't too upset, because it's nice to feel wanted, but, his version of sex is way rougher than I have ever experienced it in the past.  

Friday morning, he left his dog at my house, because he planned to meet up with me again that afternoon at the Sanford remodel, but the day didn't go according to plan, and he ended up not getting back up here until after 8pm. He spent the night again.

The next morning I left to go hang out with my aunt, and he stayed in my bed. He slept almost the whole day away, except for when we went to eat and look at the other house we have a remodel project at.  We'd turned on another movie when we got back to my house and he had fallen asleep again.  I napped in my bed, and did some writing, and then went to my thing that night. He stayed.  I did all his laundry for him during the day, and his dog was making me a little crazy because she's basically a puppy and needs to run. Otherwise she'd bark, so I had to keep throwing the tennis ball for her, because he was sleeping and wouldn't wake up.  I was freaking out at this point because he'd spent way too much time with me at this point.  It was as if we were already living together and in a relationship. The more we talked the more freaked out I got. His past is so scary.  He can be such a crass individual. Like there's a hardness that I can't handle.  And while he's really good at going down on me, the rest is painful and way too much. He even cuffed me lightly last night across the face, and I just can't. I don't want an animal. I want to be made love to. If it gets a little fierce, that's alright, but violent is too much and scary.  

But, here he is in my house and I don't know how to end this all, because it's gotten out of control and I'm not okay.  Finally he left today. I had to clean up after him so much.  He even had the audacity to ask me to buy him cigarettes' on my way back from my thing last night.  I just feel so walked on. And out of control. 

Of course I didn't say anything and when he asked last night if I wanted him to leave, I let him stay because it was late.  He did leave this morning though. But still left things at my house.  

He's not a terrible person, but I don't know how to cope with him. He thinks I'm wonderful, and that is nice. But, he has a darkness that envelopes me.  It's interesting because it's not my world, but I can't be drawn into that. 

I read, I write

 And process my feelings into words. I read back the last two years of my blog posts, it's not much about what's going on in my life, it's more me processing the emotions of heartbreak.  It's sad really, because I write my heart out when I'm sad, but when I'm happy, I don't write, and those moments get lost forever. 

I should work on that. 

My heart is still uncertain. It's not happy, it's not sad. It's a little bit numb, possibly guarded.  Feeling is overrated. 

I'm sad I don't have happy memories to read and look back on. All the stressed and sad moments to read and remember. 

Here's a happy thought, my aunt Jan just texted me and said she's going to be an hour away for the next couple weeks, and wondered if I had time to get together. So I'll be seeing her on Tuesday. <3 

just one day at a time

 It keeps going, one day at a time. Nothing really changes in a big way, just little moments that tweak my existence. 

I continue working for the real estate lady.  Heath called the other day for the first time in months, and we caught up for about 3.5 hours on the phone, but then I went over and spent the rest of the night. It's been almost a week and I haven't heard from him again. I have to confess, I am not surprised. I didn't go with any expectations of anything, all I did was a reflection of the moment. My soul and body missed him, and this was a chance to feed it. Maybe it wasn't the best choice, but I love him so, and always will. 

There have been a few other since him, but there's just never anything there. I want that best friend connection that I have with him, but there's just emptiness. 

Before

How do I write the story of our souls? From the time before we were even born I had a dream that we stood on the edge of the astral plane and looked down on the earth. You told me it was almost time to go, that I would know you when I saw you again down there.  Maybe your soul shattered, because I swear I've seen pieces in ones I've met here on the Earth. But, you, you in your entirety cannot be found.  But maybe it was all just a dream, you never did exist at all. 
I look in the faces of the passers-by searching for a glimpse of the soul that I loved and loved me in return. Sometimes they return the look, also searching but soon discover that I am not the one.  Sometimes my heart yearns for the companionship, the flame, and the freedom to be known in the entirety of my mind and soul. But somehow even as I let myself think of it, I know that it's not meant to be in this lifetime. In this life I am meant to love many but from afar, loving those who have forgotten what it means to be loved, and how to even love themselves. 

And so I wander, with a purpose, still dreaming the dreams, and wondering if they were ever real. Maybe I'll find you again on the astral plane one day, our souls intact, and I'll remember what it is to be loved and give love. 

And so the world turns

 And throws you all the curve balls you can handle. 

I guess I'm not moving anytime soon, which is unfortunate. I got a new job being the assistant to a lady who is building her luxury real estate business. I don't know what the future holds, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. 

Now I wonder, but that's only because it's hard. I don't like hard. I don't like things messing up my routines, and things that I want to do, stealing my free time.  So we shall see. 

Relationships and discovering yourself

 My sister says to me today, "you don't sound sparkly about him, unlike with Heath." 

It's true. It's different. 

And, I think she's right. Which is unfortunate. There's nothing wrong with him, except, I don't know that we're compatible on the level I need us to be. 

But, the question is, what was this connection that I had with Heath, and why is everyone else lacking it? We weren't best friends at the start. It developed gradually. But, we laughed about things together, and talked about real things, and then he started calling me all the time, and it just morphed into the wonderful closeness that I've never had with anyone else. 

I want that closeness. I don't necessarily want Heath, because I don't know that I could trust him to continue to want me. But, I want what we had, but I don't know how to recreate it, or even if it's possible. 

I'm just so sad, and exhausted on every level. I want to sleep for days. 

I find that I'm a reciprocal human- what you put in to the relationship, I give back 10fold. So that's why it freaked me out this guy going all in straight off the bat, because I wasn't prepared to invest that much. So I've played it safe, and now find myself wanting out- because why am I even trying to do this?

I have a plan. Finish my book (that I can't concentrate on these days) and then move to asheville, and then start my bnb and coaching jobs. 5 year plan, well, 4 year plan. 

sigh.

and now for something completely different

 Arthur. 

Arthur is new, but Arthur already seems to love me. Which is weird and unnerving. But not in like a crazy stalker will you marry me on the first date kind of way, which I have seen before.  In a I want to know everything about you because I didn't know there was someone out there like you sort of way. 

But, with his history, I'm afraid that he falls rather quickly. He brought me flowers on the second date, and I admit, we did fall into bed. He's just so sweet to me, and that is so unusual. I don't have to pursue him, I can just reciprocate to the degree I feel comfortable with. There is no pressure. I have to say, the sex was pretty incredible, especially for the first time. 4 times during the course of the afternoon and evening we go to know eachother's bodies and all night we lay tangled up, spooning or being spooned. I have never slept so well with someone else in the bed with me. Never felt so cared for. 

So, whatever ends up happening there- I have no regrets. He filled a void that was lacking in my life. 

fell apart

 I absolutely fell apart after talk to Heath- my whole weekend I was an emotional mess. The littlest things would make me cry and there was no chance for writing, because the headspace was wrong. 

I really struggled with why, why was I crying about everything? The news he gave me was so good, so I wasn't sad. But then I realized what it was. He called me back to ask me how I was. He didn't let me just say everything was fine- he listened and actually cared. Like he used to. He created that safe space for me to show him my frailties. It was so hard and so easy at the same time. It was hard because I've had to hold it all in for so long, it took me a minute to let it out. But it was easy because my soul was just responding to him in the familiar patterns. 

So, because I let myself show my pain it wasn't easy to shove it all away again. 

One of my friends wrote this:

"Most, (if not all)
of what we mean
when we say
we want to be "whole"
is that we want to hand over
our weakest, and most fractured
and undesirable selves
to someone else
and have them say
"I can handle this"

It's so very true. And that is what I did with Heath, what I've always done with him. That's why it hurt me so much when he kept choosing to be with someone else. Because he also would do the same, hand me all of his shit.  And then when he stopped and started lying to me I didn't know how to handle that. Especially because that was about the time he started sleeping with me so everything was just confusing. 

But, I think my emotional phase is over now, thank goodness. I just really needed to process all my feels. 

We're not talking again, btw. That's not how we left it. He needs time to reinvent himself into who he's going to be. He knows and brought it up first, that he uses me as a crutch and doesn't want to. So I'm just glad. I'll be so happy to have in back in my life eventually in whatever form that looks like, but it doesn't feel like there's a yawning abyss between us anymore. His path is over there and he needs to become the man I always knew was there. 

the things

 It's been more than a month since I last wrote, and it's been very full. 

My father is not speaking to me. Due to drama with my siblings. It is unacceptable, but in a way, I'm too tired to do anything about it. 

I went to western nc for research for my book. It was awesome. I need to go back for more, because I didn't quite get everything that I need.  

I've been missing Heath something fierce lately. Probably not him exactly, but, he was the person that I talked to about everything.

I don't even know. Apparently today is speaking things into existence day.  When I first starting writing this post I was thinking about this life coach guy I started following on FB a little over a month ago. How it was shitty that he never responded to my last message, and then I posted a response on one of his posts the other day and he didn't even react to it, and he reacts to everyone. I realized that since I don't actually know him, maybe I should get the point and unfriend him. So I went on FB to do just that, and in that very moment he reacted to my post. Coincidental timing. 

And then, I was writing about missing Heath, and he called.  I cried.  I haven't spoken to him in more than a month, and before that, it had been a few months.  

He's 33 days sober. He's taken care of all the things looming over him, court stuff, health stuff, he's exercising every day, he's getting up early and going to bed early. He has energy and life. He isn't trying to be an active part of my life right now because he needs to know that he can do this on his own. I am so proud of him. Like I just sobbed so proud of him. I knew it was there. I knew he could do it.  I'm so relieved on so many levels. I'm glad I don't need to worry about him, because that's always been a halfway thought in my brain. I'm glad I wasn't wrong about him. I'm glad when I said that I saw his soul that I was right.  I'm glad that he had the strength of character to do it. I knew it, but I was so scared. 

What does that mean for us? I think it means that we'll be able to stay friends forever. 

irony of coincidences

 My life is the weirdest. Just the absolute weirdest. 

For some reason I clicked on a name on the facebook people you may know. Pieter Van Winkle, maybe he just had a face that my soul recognized, I don't know.  But as I explored his page I realized that he was like me, only in man form. A life coach, a person desirous of an authentic life, someone in tune with their own soul. My heart was refreshed. I sent him a message asking if we could be friends, to which he kindly agreed. 

Today I clicked on another one- and the same thing! It's as though the universe is shouting at me- you are not alone. Men think about these things too. 

My friend Tiffany is here for a week. We have been friends since we were 12, which is crazy, but had never met in person, which is crazier.  But! It's been fun.  I had told her about this kid I met at walmart who was basically harassing me to go out with him, even though I told him no, and continued to tell him no. She'd seen a picture of him and was interested in him herself. As we walked along the lakefront, who walked past us? He did. What are the odds. I don't even know. However, I do know that this is the magic that is my life. It's insanity. 

dreams

 As I dreamt my heart sank, I was aware that once again Heath was playing a significant role in this dream. Why does he still haunt my dreams? I haven't spoken with him in more than a month, maybe even two now. 

The dream story was one that I tried to hold on to, when I woke up. Wanting to write it down, or continue it further in dream state.  I successfully dreamt more, but things changed. 

The storyline of the initial dream was Heath and I exploring a cavern river. There were alligators in the water, but they weren't much concerned with us. We got separated, and an alarm sounded. I hurried up to where he was, but the walls had changed, there was a small window to see into the next area, but I was too big to fit through that narrow opening. I went back to the entrance to find help. The river was now no longer there, just a muddy bottom floor. I met some other people- a mom and her son looking for the dad. Their story was that they had been coming here every week for the past year- because last year he had disappeared in the caverns as well when the walls changed.  We decided to help eachother find our lost people. 

As we went back down the dried up river corridor again to where I lost Heath, there was a creature hanging from the ceiling. "Give me 10 dollars" it said, "and I'll tell you how to find him."  We all scrounged through our pockets looking for cash. We found a $10 bill and I reached up and it grabbed it in it's mouth and ate it.  "You are looking for the King. The Prince has been found to replace him. They must fight to the death. You may fight in their stead if you wish them to leave." Through the window I glimpsed a man, and I knew immediately that this was the dad and the King. 

The story line got a bit trippy after this,  it turned out that the son/dad had somehow freaky friday'd it, so the "son" was able to guide us through the cavern that's walls changed, and around the weird beasts that he'd become king over during his year in this cave. 

Heath was no longer really part of the story, he'd disappeared. He was still the Prince, and would become King when we freed the son/dad. 

I woke up before the story ended. 

sometimes

 Sometimes when it gets late and you're still awake, you find yourself thinking, and then not only thinking but then tears start streaming down your face.  And the question that you keep asking yourself is "Am I just nothing to them?"

My emotions have been a mess lately. I'm writing a novel that includes a love story, a negative and a positive, and because of that I've been thinking about my own love life to draw from. We all know what a disaster that's been. 

I waited a long time for my first. I was 28, he was my best friend and I was in love with him. I thought he was magic. But he wasn't nearly as into me as I was into him, and I knew that- there were always walls. A few months later, he found the one he's now married to.  He wanted me to be friends with her. He told her that he and I were just friends that there was nothing more. When she found out that there was more he called me one last time, angry at me that I had told our best friends that there was something going on with us in the months prior. I hadn't known that it was a secret. We have not spoken since. 3 years of friendship and more gone in a blink of an eye. 

My second relationship was over in 8 weeks, he said he wanted something long term, but just not with me. He was in a relationship with someone else a few weeks later, and they are engaged to be married. 

The third killed my soul, because it seemed fore ordained. There were so many coincidences in how we met, in how we started talking, in how we lived in the same place. So many things. He too was my best friend before we started anything. We talked about everything. He knew all there was to know about who I was and how I came to be that way. And then one day the switch got flipped. We tried to remain friends, but within a year that too had been shut off. He said some things, wouldn't let me respond and  shut me out completely.  He was supposed to be my best friend. 

The fourth was 5 years later. He was my best friend. He knew about everything that had broken me before. He knew all my hopes and dreams. He knew how I would respond even before I was given the chance. I was there for him in his ups and downs, every time he'd call- I'd be there. He came to me for comfort after bad break ups, things with his family, things with work. I was the steady person that he could count on.  Then he decided to take a chance on us.  Only to have that blow up in my face and our years of friendship gone in a blink of an eye again. 

How can I have such deep connections but for them to not think twice about never speaking to me again?  Am I just nothing to them?  How can that be?  When you share your soul with another human, allow them to see that deeply into you and vice versa- how can you just throw that away like garbage?
Why did they all find their happily ever after while they were with me?
Why am I nothing?

not

 Well, I'm not moving back to the outer banks, at least, not at this point.  I got the job, but turned it down.  I need to focus on my goals first. My parents got a loan out, so they should be good for a little while.  Maybe the end of the year, or something like that I'll change my mind. But, for now... gotta keep plugging away. 

I  stepped away from dating again. I just don't want to. He doesn't exist. It's too hard investing energy into guys that don't want someone like me. 

They changed my schedule at work to 10-4 mon-fri which is pretty perfect in the grand scheme of things. Especially when the sun starts getting up earlier. (Because I tend to get up with the sun) anyway, then I can do some writing on my way into work, and then more after work if I feel like it, or I can have my evenings free- and my weekends!

what to do

 I have no idea what to do. 

A job offer back in NC where I never thought I would live again. Full benefits, and potentially more money than I've ever made. Likely not having to work more than 50 hours a week... still getting two days off. 

The part of me that balks at the idea just screams what about your dreams? The book, the lifecoaching business... and then the other part of me acknowledges that there hasn't been much progress on those lines here anyhow. 

How am I going to move all of my stuff? I went to get some of my things from storage, so now I have too much stuff. Plus the paddleboard that I bought while living here.  

I just looked up how much it would be to rent a van. $70. I can do that. Gas won't be fun, but, it shouldn't be horrific.  I guess we'll see. 

I don't know. I just don't know. My life at this point has been consumed with figuring out my book, and how and where I'm going to write it. 

the right thing

 Doing what is right, something ingrained into me as a child. There's been times in my life where I have chosen purposefully to do something that I knew was wrong. Whether it be words (being disrespectful to my mother comes to mind), or actions (sleeping with a man who wasn't 100% free). Sometimes it strikes me how much those times of purposefully choosing wrong has been detrimental to my life. 

But, then I also think about how my passion for doing what is right has adversely affected my relationships. When people straight up ask me questions, I don't lie, even if it shouldn't have been asked of me. I've gotten into more hot water for that than anything else. My automatic is to tell the truth instead of finding a creative way to evade the question without lying. 
I am passionate about doing what is right, but sometimes that comes across as holier-than-thou to people that are less inclined. But, I also find that I have my own areas of weaknesses that I gloss over. I've found that once you choose to do something that you know is wrong once- doing it again is easier and easier. 

I know that I scare men off by my intensity. My desire to live a life of purpose and meaning. My apparent lack of faults (until you get to know me), and the fact that my idea of a good time is walking around the lake. 

How boring. How good. How very dull. 

But I can say without a doubt, that in purposefully choosing to say disrespectful things to my mother- damaged our relationship for years. In sleeping with a man who wasn't 100% free, has put me as "the other woman" in almost every relationship since. Karma. 

I want good things. So I try to be good. 

It's simply a choice. Why doesn't everyone choose it?

what is wrong

 I have been out on two dates lately. Just meet ups to see if there is a connection. 

The first one did not look like his pictures, and kept trying to turn the conversation to adult topics. He also kept looking at me like he just wanted me out of my clothes. I can appreciate that for what it is, but not on the first meeting. I need you to be interested in who I am and what I stand for. 

The second one also did not look like his pictures, but not in a bad way. This one I was super excited to meet because like me, he's well traveled. He's worked at restaurants seasonally the majority of his life, and is now in school for horticulture and is a groundskeeper at a golf course.  So, it seemed that we would have alot in common, and he seemed to think about things too.  So, we met and talked. He told me so many stories of his life...but did not ask about me and mine. The moment I realized that a seed of doubt was placed in my head.  But, we walked and talked for about 4 hours, which is a considerable time. So, I thought that maybe I was wrong. "Let's do this again" was said by him as we left, but then I never heard from him again.  And so another one for the rejected pile. 

I seriously don't know what it is about me. What is wrong with me that the ones that I have anything in common with don't want me, but the others that won't do anything for me spiritually or mentally are the ones that like me. 

There is just such a disconnect. 

your man

 I follow Josh Turner on FB, just because I really like his songs, or rather especially did a long time ago when he first came out. Anyway, his second cd had the song "Your Man" on it. Today, they posted something in remembrance of it, and I found myself just thinking incredibly bitterly about it. 

Why isn't there someone who wants to be my man, in truth? I say that thinking of a few that I have turned down in the past, knowing that there is no future. For instance, Steve. Steve has been holding a candle for me for, I don't know, 15 years or so.  But, he's a republican who voted for trump, he's into guns, he is a grandfather already, because he had kids young and so did they. He only cares about people he likes which is few and far between. He does nothing but work. He has a good heart and truly loves those he does though.  There's just no spiritual connection, no inspiration to be better on either side. Should I settle for that? 

Thinking about it, in my relationship history, I have either been the "other woman" or the rebound. So there has never been a time where I was certain of where I stood, if the feelings that were felt for me in this moment would last into the next.  Though, I guess, no one ever really knows that. 

There's this one guy who lives not far from me, we met on a dating app probably 2 years ago, but never met. There has been adult conversation and pictures in the past, but he now has a significant other. But, he wants to meet now. I don't know why. But, I do know that he has been unable to get me out of his head this whole time.  I told him I'd be glad to meet him, because I would. But, I worry about what he has in mind, because I don't want to be the other woman again. 

It's as though, because I knew that I was the other woman with my first, because I knew that and still went along with it- consciously choosing wrong- my life and destiny as far as men have been concerned has been nothing but disaster. 

Such is my life.  

more drama

 So yesterday was interesting to say the least. 

He has been seeing several other people. One of them went to his apartment to see if she could find her keys, and got on his laptop and read our emails...and responded to them. Also got on his facebook and read his conversations with other people.  She and I ended up emailing back and for pretty much all day about him. It was exhausting.  Several things came to light. So, there's that. 

I'm going to go to PP today and get tested, just to be on the safe side. How horrible would it be if he did actually give me something terrible. 

To top that off, I have a covid test appointment, because one of my coworkers that I worked with recently has tested positive. So today is dr appointments. It was supposed to be a day to work on my business plan, but no. 

On that note, my massage therapist is wanting to expand and has asked if I'd be interested in coming on board with my life coaching, and doing it under her umbrella.  We'll see. We're supposed to meet up and talk about it after she gets home from Sedona sometime later this week. 

why

 I don't understand why I can't just be done.  I get myself to that place mentally and then something happens. I always forgive, I always am compassionate, and more than that I always expect this time to be different. 

Saturday he called me. I had shook him with showing up to his door and he knew he had behaved in a way that was outside his character and needed to apologize. I went over to his place and we talked at length about everything that had happened in the past few weeks without talking. We both apologized repeatedly for our part in the distance and hurt that happened.  But then, I leave and things go back to the same old his selfishness and lack of caring and respecting my heart and my time. 

I'm at the point now where I would never deny anyone my friendship, but I can not ask for theirs.  That is where I am. I can't need him to be there for me. I can't expect or want this to be a two way street because the moment I get vulnerable is when I get disappointed because he doesn't come through for me. 

Part of me just wants him to change and be the one I need him to be, the one I've seen him be- just not to me. 

The other part of me just wants to move away and move on with my life. Because I know that if I stay here my heart will stay tied. 

Or if I could just meet someone else that had any sort of potential. Sigh. 

closure

 Yesterday after work I stopped by his place with his stuff in my car. He was pissed that I just showed up. But frankly, I don't care. I needed answers. Are we done? and Can we talk? were answered with He doesn't have to talk to anyone he doesn't want to. That my email was a hate email.  So, I went and grabbed the bag of stuff and dropped it in his living room and left. The end. Funny how they all end the same. And ironically, January is the month of it. January was Micah and Luke also. Ayyoub was december.  So there's that. 

Moving on.

I applied to be the resident innkeeper at a bnb in Maryland. We'll see if anything comes of it. 

a week later

 I still have heard nothing from him, and now I don't expect to.  It's time to move on. 

I haven't been able to work on anything, or sleep, or alot of the time even be able to calm my brain with a movie or show. It's been in straight up freak out mode when all I can think about is him.  But yesterday I sent another email and basically said all that needed to be said. I slept more last night than I have lately, and while I still wake up thinking about him, the vice on my heart is not so tight. I have given up. 

I had thought that I had let go more than that, but apparently not. 

I was tempted yesterday to text the other guy. But that would be a mistake. I can't play with hearts. This heartbreak is too fresh. 

Why is it so hard for him to communicate? Why is it so hard for  him to do what is right? Why can't I find someone who loves me as much as I love them?

the torpedo

 I torpedoed him after new years. I hadn't told him yet how much the drugs freaked me out. But after new years he fell off the face of the planet again. He lied. And I couldn't help it. If I say that I love him, how can I just stand and watch him destroy his life?  So I said all the things that needed to be said. It was alot. He hasn't spoken to me since that fateful email saturday night. Which granted is only 4 days ago, but it feels like an eternity because we talk every day. And I know how much I hurt him, so to go through my days tortured because of that, able to think of nothing else... 

I wrote another this morning, trying to make him understand where I was coming from. I don't know if it will help. Or if he'll read it. 

My life has been interesting. I completed the certification course to be a life coach. I informed the world. I continue to struggle through life myself.  I continue writing the book, but not with any degree of success, especially when I'm emotionally distraught. If all I can think about is the disaster that is Heath and I- I have a hard time getting out of that to write happiness. So I have found when I'm writing, I'm writing the portions that will have the pain and the conversations she has to have to get through it.