progression

It's really interesting, my life.

I've been learning a lot. And, it's been really fun.  But, not only that, I've been able to share it with several people, and it's exciting to see how much it ignites them also.

So, I've been doing actually really well ever since, really, 2 weeks ago. I have been able to let go of the loss that I felt. I've been able to let go of plans for the future. I've been able to accept the moments for what they are. And, it's been really good.
Last night I cried though. It was totally out of the blue. It wasn't like a sobbing cry- just tears started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I can't even describe the emotion that came with it. It wasn't a wish for a change of anything, it wasn't pain. It was kindof just numbness. No, it was emptiness. I felt empty.   So that was weird.  God damn it all. I despise being a girl sometimes.  Today I've been mostly okay, just a bit on the raw side. Things at work bothering me a bit more than normal.  So I went to watch the sunset. That helped a little. I can't wait for it to be warm. I miss being warm.
I miss hugs.

Direction and prayer

Do you know what's funny?  My life. :-p

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I had pretty much stepped away from all things religious, the past 3 years or so. There would be moments of following the Spirit when I felt led, but mostly I just didn't really bother one way or the other.  I still qualified as spiritual, but not more than that.  I was fine with that. But when I left on my quest in September, God started moving more in my life. It was funny, as I left Kansas to Colorado on my way to Seattle, I remember calling my mom and telling her that I was exhausted. These 2 weeks that I had spent after leaving NC had been spent with Christian friends, and I didn't really hang with that crowd anymore. None of my day-to-day friends at that time were Christians. The unicorn that I was halfway in love with at the time was an ex-Christian too, so it was an easy place for me to be. But then in Colorado I met Micah. And then in Seattle- I dated a bunch of guys who were not Christian- and kept Micah off the table because he was too Christian, and had other issues. It's funny, probably 2 days prior to the 6 hour phone call in which everything changed, I had called my mom to complain that Micah was crushing on me.  So, I wind up back in Colorado- going to church, singing with the worship team, and then a wrench gets thrown in the mix. He hears something from God, because that's what he needs to hear. I hear the opposite, with the barest of explanations as to why.  I am at a loss how to reconcile the two. So, I leave, because that's the only option to potentially walkaway with anything. And God continues to tell me to let go. Each day it's a process, but if I try to be in control, if I try to maneuver this, it'll fail. Letting go is the only option. And then God says to me, 'I want you to pray.' And I say, 'what? That's stupid. I don't do that.' And he responds with, 'not only do I want you to pray, but I want you to do it visibly. Pray for Micah and send it to him.'   'And no. Hell no. Not going to.  That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Why would I do that?'  'Because I told you to. '  'Fine then. I still think it's the stupidest thing ever.'    So I do it.
The results are still coming out, but I think it's going to be epic. 
The prayers have #1 - made for good conversation and #2 revealed some things about myself.
I am a healer. That is what I do. That is what I'm going to do. That is what I need to learn more of. It's been brought to my attention several times, but I always tend to ignore it. Come up with reasons why I can't. Now I can. I have seen the goal, and what my life looks like, and I am okay with it. Never before has that happened.  I'm going to great Britain in June, but when I get back, the quest to fulfill this begins in earnest.

So here I am. I know why God gave Micah and I different answers. I know how they reconcile. I know that the only thing I can do is let go. I know what my next steps are. I'm not entirely sure how it will all pan out, but a good part of it will be learning new things about myself. I'm really excited.

"the sanctity of life"

Those words were on repeat in my brain as I woke up this morning. The drum  roll from the dreams. Life is sacred. Do not take life heedlessly.
There was so much death in my dream... so many people dying. Lives snuffed out in a feud between families, lives taken on their own accord from guilt. And the void left in their wake. 

I've lost a couple of friends in my life, but no one that was really close to me. I fear that, actually. The thought of myself dying holds no fear, but the thought of the ones I love dying, and having to deal with that loss in my life- I don't want to.
I know there are terrible people in the world, but couldn't you just maim them, and not kill them? Isn't there always a chance for redemption? But if you take the life, you just  took the responsibility of their life on yourself.


Still suffering on and off from the effects of the broken heart.
I worked at another restaurant in the evening on Sunday night, Valentines day. The manager there is an older guy that has had a crush on me for years. He kissed my neck as I was leaving. I wasn't offended or anything, but it just made me sad.
I just want to find my joy again. I hate that it's gone. I hate that all of a sudden I am now lonely, and know now what it means. I hate that I crave his hugs- a hug you could just relax into.
It's like I've had this void in my soul this whole time, he filled it up, and then emptied it out, and now I know what it's like, and so feel the void keenly. I have to ignore it. I have to hide behind the walls, and build them higher, and sturdier.  

today the universe wins

And I am going back to bed.  I know, universe. I know. But I can't cope with all the reminders today. Not cool. I don't appreciate it at all.
I looked at the date when I was writing that post earlier today, and saw that it was a month ago today that I was snuggling with the one I love for the last time. I know, universe, and it hurts.
So, I proceed with my day. I leave to go pick up my paycheck and the only song playing on 9 stations in "I'm gonna stand by you". I turn off the radio.
I decide to go watch a movie by myself. Deadpool came out today, so I'll go see that.  I couldn't help but be reminded of him throughout the movie. The love story was similar- "our crazy fits together like a jigsaw puzzle, together you see the big picture."
I drove home in the pouring snow- I hadn't been in the pouring snow since Colorado, when I walked to get the boy some coffee before I woke him up one morning. And I just want to go play in the snow, but I can't because I achingly miss him too much. He's the one I want to play in the snow with. The huge flakes have started piling up on the trees, and they look beautiful. He and I love snow on trees.
I turned the radio back on. Why is that damn song playing again? "I'm gonna stand by you, even if we can't find heaven, I'd walk through hell with you..."
The next song, "same bed, just feels a little bit bigger now.... our song on the radio but it doesn't sound the same"
the next song was something similar. I just can't. So now I'm going back to bed. Stop beating on my walls, universe. You're making me hurt.

Home

I discovered yesterday, as I was thinking about where my angst lies. The truth of the matter is, I don't feel like I'm home. Every other time, when I have crossed over the bridge to this sandbar, it's always been with a big sigh of relief. I'm home, once again. Even if I were just coming to visit, it was still the same feeling.  But I have yet to feel at home here. Possibly because I'm staying with my sister. Possibly because it's winter here on the beach. I don't know exactly, the cause. I just know, that is the root of my problem.
So in that realization, the question arises, where is home? And, damnit, I have that answer also. But, I've been exiled. Now is the time to find a new home.  It's really weird how incredibly strong my soul got attached. I mean, really, it doesn't make sense. But at least now, I have a better understanding of why he can't. When you get that attached to someone, the idea of doing it again is ridiculous.
I think about the choice I made to abandon everything in Seattle, the guys that wanted to date me, the job offer I got at the last minute, the friendships I was starting to develop... I dropped them all, to follow the call. What if I had said, "no, wait until May". what if I had actually asked how long he'd been divorced?  What if I had questioned his ability to let me help him fight his wars? - But the thing was, he did let me at first. He wanted to share his burdens. He was excited about the possibility of magic.   There are always going to be the "What ifs".  But, herein lies the kicker. I have no regrets. Those months with him were the absolute best of my entire life, hands down. Today marks 1 month since I spent my last day and night with him. It feels like an eternity ago. The void I feel hasn't dissipated, I've simply built walls around it so that it doesn't leak out as much.
Ironically, we met and God was there. On our last day together we met a guy who claimed to be the devil. Delightful irony.
It's time to turn the page. The next chapter is coming.   

days that I just can't

Today was one of those days. I don't want to be here. I don't want this job.  I don't want to be nagged by my family. I don't want to be told to move on. Leave me the hell alone. I'm doing my best.

I love my family. But there are days when I just can't handle them. 3 of them, one each day for the past 3 days, telling me that I should start going on dates to get over Micah. That there's a perfect guy out there for me.
I don't care.  I am over him as much as I can be at this point. I love him unendingly. I know it's not going anywhere, and that's okay. If someone else comes along that is more magical than him, great. I'm not expecting it. I waited 30 years for this one. Maybe in 30 more years another will come along.  Leave me alone so I can be happy by myself. So I can grow old and not want companionship. Why can't I be the independent old woman who needs no one?

-
God damn it all.

rhythm

The pace of my heart has slowed. My mind has also rewired itself. With the advent of the time of the month, worries have no more place. That was the last thing that was weighing on me. I was about a week late, so I was starting question things.
So now the pace is a slow steady. A rhythmic roll of the tides. To work and home, eat dinner with the parents if I'm not working, and back to Erikah's to sleep.  I've started looking into my trip to Europe again. Figuring out how much travel for the weddings and across to Europe is going to cost me.  I think I'm going to drive to Colorado for the first trip there the  16th of May, spend a few days, and then come back to finish helping Erikah, and then fly back to Colorado, and then fly to London on the 7th or 8th of June, directly after the wedding.  I'm not entirely sure how long I'll stay over there, it really depends on how much money I'll have been able to save. I figure I'll do England, Scotland and Ireland this time, and see how it goes... and then go on from there instead of trying to do the whole thing straight off the bat. 
So how have I been spending my days? Writing, and travel planning.  I need the sun to come out with a little bit of warmth so I can start doing things outside. The lack of physical activity is getting to me. 
The writing department has been super fun. Last week, I was teasing Micah about pirates, and it  was concluded that I would've been a Viking and he was a French pirate, if we went by ancestry.  Well, that has turned into a novel, and it going to be fantastic. I've been doing a lot of research on the topics, and he's been super helpful- because he has an uncanny recollection of the time in question. 
I'm hitting a dead end though, once we get to the part after we meet. I don't know how to write a happily ever after for us, it's like I had to shut off that part of my brain, so that I can't even imagine it in a different time frame.   We'll see though. Maybe I'll not worry about the end of the book at this point. I've got the rest of the outline about done. Soon it will be time to write.

cycles

Dreaming again.
I was not a fan of this dream. In this dream I was moving on. I met someone new, and he was a lot like Micah in some ways. At one point he made moccasins out of a burrito sized tortillas. (I'm not entirely sure how that worked.  Dreams are weird.)  But anyway,  there were these kids there that had helped me with my overturned canoe, and I was introducing them. I introduced the one as Chris, but as I turned to the other, the guy said, "then, you must be Micah." the boys darted a glance at me, and said, "no, that was her ex."  And I woke up, because I couldn't have this dream. Every bit of me rejected it.
As I lay there dozing in and out of sleep, I realized I had woken up in "dangerous" mood. Replaying memories in my head of love. The look on his face, when I would open my eyes. How there was no comparison between him and the others that had come before him. The love that was there.
I'm not really surprised that it has cycled to this part. I was missing him excruciatingly yesterday. I had pizza for dinner, hadn't had pizza since I was there with him. I had had a gallon of water in my car, and as I finished it, I noticed the label was a brand called "Mt Olympus". Our inside joke.

And so the saga of my life continues. Day off of work today, wonder how I'll fill it.

The gap

The gap in the walls grew this afternoon. And when I said I love you too, there were the normal feelings. It's was a normal conversation, full of laughter, and random chats about things- and lasted almost 2 hours. I was the one to say goodbye, so that he wouldn't have to.  I can put up the walls to protect myself, but what lies behind, and gets through the gaps is ever the same.  Despite the pain he has caused, I do love him truly. I want what's best for him, and I know that right now, that isn't me, so I have to have walls. 
The funny thing about gaps, they let in hope. Hope for life beyond pain. Who knows where life will lead, and how my path will take me. I know the walls are only temporary to get me through the worst of it. Nothing last forever- except love, that always wins out. Maybe not how we initially envision, but in the end, it does. It makes life worth living.

lack of hope

So, I've been to the beach several times since being back. I've tried taking some pictures, to show off my sea, but they've turned out uninspired. I've tried taking some selfies, to promote joy. But, I just look wrecked. The dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep.... the smile is too fake. I've gotten used to wearing the baseball cap for work, and I appreciate the disguise it affords.
I am finding in myself a lack of hope. 16 weeks of work won't be quite enough saved for a trip to Europe, at least not to the extent I wanted it to be.  Now I'll have to rethink things. I sure as hell, refuse to be stuck here in north Carolina for another summer season. I won't do it.  I don't know what to do. I need to figure out a way to make money on the road.

Stage 1- complete

Stage one of the shut off, is completed. It's amazing how turning off the caring fixes things. When I put the walls back in place a couple days ago, I left a little room for air at the top, just in case- but besides that....
I didn't talk to him at all on Friday, and then hardly anything on Saturday, and I wrote him a message, because he'd made me feel unwanted. I needed him to be the one initiating, because being shot down all the time was getting too hard. Was I taking everything personally? Absolutely. I wasn't ready yet to build those walls.
But, they got built- Thursday night. When I went in to work on Friday, my boss asked me what was going on- I seemed like I was in a better place. I told her stage 1 was commencing.
Sunday evening a email exchange took place. I think it's really the only fight we have ever had- It was really hard for me not to say I'm sorry for exhausting him like I was. I knew what I was doing to him, but I needed to try and get him to see my side. It was especially bad, because my sister and her fiancée got into a tiff that lasted the evening/night, and I could hear the quarrel because their room is right next to mine. I put my earphones in and turned on music, as I tried to go to sleep. All I wanted was to call the boy and make things right with him.  Luckily, we made peace in the morning.  So we talked a little during the day, until he couldn't manage it anymore. If stage 1 hadn't been completed, I would've been hurt by the fact that all we did was talk about him- and he never asked anything about me and my day, or days.  But as it is, it's pretty much at the whatever stage now. I'll take whatever bits of friendship that I can from him, and leave it at that. I can't care. It was really weird though- when I said, "I love you too" in response to his, it was said with as little feeling as the first time I awkwardly said it in response. Proof that the walls are in place.  Do I still love him? Absolutely. But I can't care right now.
As a chameleon, I mirror those around me. He can't care right now, so I can't care.
The walls are up.

Maybe they shouldn't be.