all in?

 So Thursday morning H called me- I skipped an interview to continue talking to him. We talked about where we were at. He told me to tell him that he needed to choose to either be all in or be out. So, I did. He chose to be all in.  But, in the days that have followed, I see no evidence of this. He hasn't called, hasn't texted, once again MIA. That doesn't say all in to me. I'm sad, because I thought he was finally choosing me. I told my friends that he said he was all in because I was so happy, so excited that he was going to be mine.  He was even planning our wedding on Thursday. I would have never dared get that far into the future, but knowing that's where his head is, I thought it was safe. But no. 

I haven't been able to convince myself to do anything today- or yesterday. The only thing I did yesterday was get food and go to Gator's in lake mary to convince them to give me a job since I hadn't been able to find one.  Then of course, today I get a text from the place I wanted to work at- wanting me to come in for an interview.  So, I'm going to do that. 

I have been able to do some writing, which is surprising. Usually when I'm this far down I can't write either.  Not too much left still to write, which is exciting. Then it will be time to re-write and send to an editor.  - and then figure out the publishing process. 

Tomorrow I have a meeting at 10 with a lady about mentoring kids. That's a good step. But then,  I really need to figure out setting up the life coaching business. 

I just wish he really was all in. So I didn't feel so alone and feel like I'm floundering. 

f you says the universe

 I sometimes get too big for my britches, and the universe decides it's time to knock me down a peg or 12. It's not comfortable, and I don't know what to do with myself when it happens. 

I honor the magic that is my life, but when I start expecting it, I think that's when it blows up in my face. This time has been harder than most- because it has used people. 

It started with my boss in the real estate thing, continued with Heath not being there for my birthday in any fashion- continuing to this day, the lack of job and lack of callbacks, author friend of mine that has been supposed to meet with me for a consultation bailed again for the 3rd time.  It's really alot for my psyche to take. 

I'm uncertain how to right the balance. 

stress

 Pretty much non stop stress, even through my bday weekend because there is no job. Sleep has been messed up.  Went to bed at 5:30 yesterday but woke up so much. Stressing, mostly about Heath. Why that makes everything so much worse, I don't know.  He's been weird the last few days, so there's the nagging thought in my head that he's changed his mind- but that's my own insecurities. 

He won't talk to me on the phone, but, he does still text me a little bit. He's not avoiding me altogether.  So, we'll see.