and I'm back

I have returned to Louisiana.

I drove in last night and now it's time for something new.

I don't know what.

I have no idea what life to carve for myself this time around.

So I'm going out to search for it.



Ever lost, but following.

for some reason

I have been watching chick flicks the last two nights in a row. I don't usually.  I don't like the feelings. I don't like feeling like everyone else has someone but I don't. I don't like that everyone else gets happy endings and I just have to be happy with what I've got. Which isn't so bad, but no one loves me. No one thinks about me every day. No one wants my happiness.  So, that's why I don't usually watch them.

I worry about making a mistake. I worry about going back to Louisiana. I worry about expectations. I worry about living the life I was designed to live. I worry about how to make the best of this life I've been given. 

life and changes

I have been thinking alot lately about my life. 

It happens much more frequently when I'm about to make a life change. I realize that I'm moving back to Louisiana, but I plan on having a different job, a different house. Things will simply be different.  So now the idea is running about my head. What do I want my life to look like?  What am I hoping to achieve?  

Now I know that I want to go to Australia as soon as I can. I know that I need to update my passport. But all that information is in storage back in Lousiana, so I can't do anything until I get back there.  I know I'll need to save at least 3grand to go, which shouldn't be that hard. Hopefully.  But I still need to figure out what I want my life to be. 

I don't know. 

See, I need a useful life.  I don't see the point of living merely for me. And also I know my life is being watched. Observed. So I need to make sure that I am living the best life I can. That the choices I make are made out of love for God, people and myself. 

But I also know that I make a difference where ever I am. That I don't have to try to live a useful life, it's like forcing something that would come naturally. 

What am I actually doing in Louisiana? Experiencing community?  Okay. Did that. Now what? Continue in that? 

I don't know. 

What about church? Do I resume where I left off?  What about the fact that I disagree with things? What if I have to be a chameleon to be there? To say the things and be the one they want me to be?  I can't and I won't. 

So where does that leave me? 

I just simply do not know. 

on and on and on

There was another few days on the brink of depression. Of course due to expectations not being met. I swear that seems to be the cause of all unhappiness. I managed to stave it off by avoiding thinking about it at all. It's like sometimes my mind needs to wallow and then release through the words that I write on here, and other times it needs to just avoid thinking about the situations at all.

Money is getting tight.- Just because I need to have money when I get back to Louisiana. Right now I might be spending more than I'm making.  Plus, I have got to be off work for the whole next week.
But it'll be okay. I'll be able to work immediately after getting back at white fox. But that will just be temporary until I find something else that pays better and the hours are better for what I want to be doing with my life.

I'll need to figure out where to live.... that one might be tricky.  I did love my little house despite the weirdness. I wish I could have that same house, but further back on the property- instead of in the middle of the driveway.


I also need to figure out what I'm moving back for. What I want my life to look like. Entering in exactly as I left off, might not be the best option.  There's also this little thing in the back of my mind that it might be time for something else also. But that it hasn't surfaced yet. It feels like it was a facade. My disbelieving head thinks that there is no possible way that it could have been legit.

Where is God in all of this? Where are my answers? Where is faith and hope?  - It feels like they lie trapped beneath the surface. They're there but frozen in time.  God, obviously is bigger, so He makes His presence known throughout all of time and places- in small ways. But even still the majority, the big stuff is trapped beneath the frozen exterior.


I don't know.

ever lost

I had crazy dreams last night.
The first dream the only part I remember was an altercation with a man who was trying to get the better of me. It was like a deal of some sort, he would allow me to  ??? I don't remember. But in return, he would have free access to all of my stuff. That was never going to happen, and when I refused to back down to him, he pushed me over onto a bed and continued to try to break me by rape.
I didn't back down. And I was aware enough at that point to change the dream.
Why would I dream something so terrible?

The next dream I was being chased by men with machine guns. The weapon I had didn't work, so I had to out wit them. Which  I did by going into a meeting room, and pretending I had been there all along. Having to rely on the others in the room not to rat me out.

Strange dreams.


Time is drawing to a close. 2 more weeks of work.
I'm worried about work. I'm worried about taxes at the end of the year, since pretty much everything was under the table this year.
I'm concerned about finding work when I get down there. I'm concerned about finding a place to live. I'm wondering if it's the right move to make. 

Ever lost.