my best thinking

 My best thinking happens on the verge of dream state. I don't know how things become clearer and answers appear, but that has always been the case.  Oftentimes when I'm stressed about something or need to solve a problem that I cannot see the answer to, I fix it in my mind as I close my eyes.  Most of the time the answer is solved in a scenario. Because that is how my brain works. My brain imagines all of the outcomes, all of the conversations that could take place, all of the actions that could be taken. Then it decides. 

I suppose it's a good thing sometimes, especially when it comes to writing stories, because I am always imagining. But sometimes, I get lost in spirals and can't find my way out. 

Today I was working on my book rewrite. I'm trying to make it better and actually tell the story in a way that not only makes sense, but also gets to the heart of the matter. It's especially poignant right now because of how unhappy I am. How can I write the happiness quest, if I cannot grasp my own happiness?  I know the problem, I know what's wrong. I just don't know how to fix it. 

Through my story, I wrote how everything is hard, and everything is boring. And asked the question of how you can feel alive. The question that is asked is- I want that feeling of being in love- where everything is magical and all hard things can be overcome.  But, not because of someone else, but because of WHO I AM. And then I thought about it. The keys to happiness. Creativity, helping others, making the world a better place, learning, growing, they ALL ARE LOVE. They all are expressing love either to yourself, to the world or to God/the universe. They are all ACTIONS because love is a verb. It's a state of being, but it's an active state. 

I am unhappy with my job, because it forces me to not love myself. (Because my love language to myself is quality time.) I don't have time to myself, I don't have time for mindful exercise, I eat out almost every day because I don't have time for anything, or I just need a break from being on my feet. I  have to adhere to corporate rules that make my life and the lives of those under me difficult to say the least.  There's only bits of love that I can pour out, and that is into the 2 minutes of interactions with customers, and sometimes into the lives of my employees. But it's too little. I'm not building anything, I'm treading water trying to stay afloat myself.  There is hardly any love for the job because of all the corporate bullshit that happens almost daily. I'm not speaking the love languages of those around me, and I'm not speaking my own to myself. So I am unhappy. 

It has to change. Love is who God is, and love is how He flows through us. I must change course so that my life is LOVE. Giving and receiving. 

valentines day letter

 I don't usually say anything for Valentine's day, I don't think. But this year, I want to. I've told you a million times that I love you, so you may not need me to say it again.  

I read this thing the other day that said to love someone long term is to attend a thousand funerals of who they used to be. I think that's why it scares me so much, that we don't talk anymore. I don't want to love who you used to be.

I like loving you. I think it brings out the best in who I am and who I can be. That day in September that you told me about in meditation if you thought of me you could silence everything and bring the quiet from the deepest part of you. I knew you loved me and I loved you. It felt like the validation of everything. "Love Wins" has been my mantra for years. If you just love people hard enough, anything is possible. - I'm not meaning that in a romantic sense, just in general. People blossom when they know they are loved.

I think that's why I think of you like I think of the sun. You know I require the sun in my life. If I'm not brown, my stress and unhappiness are high. It's not because of how I look, it just makes me feel good. The vitamin D, the magnesium- the endorphins. 
I crave you like I crave the sun. I crave your words, the sharing of life and laughter, deep talks of our souls. I crave your touch. The fire that lights me up when you touch me. The safety I feel, the love that I see. I crave it all.

Without it, I feel like I'm stumbling along, trying to make sense of the world. An alien in a strange place, blinded by darkness. You are the light for me. 

I was going through a guided lesson, and the questions were asked: "In 5 years, who are you with? What are you doing? What does your life look like?" I had a melt down. Because, envisioning a future without you was unthinkable. But envisioning a future with you was setting myself up to be disappointed. Not for any other reason than I don't know if you want me in your future anymore.

I loved you to begin with by accident, I couldn't tell you why it happened. But, now, I love you on purpose and without end. Even if it never is more than it is. I love you forever and for always. Happy Valentine's day.