my heart is dead

It really is. I've been upset about the loss of the one I loved more than anyone else in the world for what 2... 3 years now. And I heard the other day that he has moved on. He's now dating someone else. And, I felt nothing. There was no pang, there was no hurt, there was no sadness, there was just nothing.
I think it's because there's been so many stories about how he is now. And that is not the person I fell in love with.  Maybe she will remind him who he is supposed to be. Maybe he'll be happy.
I'm sad for me, and I'm pissed at him. Just because mr I have no love left in me, and don't touch me it feels like you're burning me- is now trying again, even though he told me that I was the last one he would ever be with.

I just can't. I can't settle for less. Even when the options are there. I just can't.
Farmer dude in north carolina- that's not the life I see for myself.
short dude here- I just can't- you move too fast and just no.
Sigh. My heart is dead.

hope

what in the absolute hell? I don't know what to do with it. Why is God still pushing hope? I don't know what it means. I don't know why. I open my bible, and it has another Hope verse just staring at me for the verse of the day.

Ayyoub got married yesterday to the young one he found- the one he was interested in that spelled the end for us. It's fine. I'm glad he's happy. Do I wonder where I went wrong? Yep. I do. I do wonder why I am never enough.
I'm 33 now. Who woulda thought. This is supposed to be the golden year. The year of the end and of new beginnings. And that word Hope. I want to curl up in a ball. I don't know what to hope for. The end that spells a new beginning? Okay.  I just feel like these last two years have been agonizing, and I don't know how I'm going to not kick over the traces.

cozumel birthday

So, I left on the 6th and returned on the 13th. Cozumel Mexico- the water is everything you could ever want. It's crystal clear- the reefs and fishes are amazing. Saw all kinds of fishes, star fish, sting rays- there was a barracuda that someone saw... sharks, sea turtles... lobster. Just pretty incredible.
Down sides- I saw practically nothing culturally relevant- nothing of the island and it's history or people. Just walked a few blocks down the main strip of tourist shops and stayed inside the resort. Granted- I was trying not to spend any money- and the resort was not within walking distance to anything.
Basically, I decided that I prefer to travel alone- my time frame. - things I want to do. haha.
It was a good adventure though.

I started talking to this farmer from nc before I left, maybe a week before I left.... he sent flowers to my work the day I left- but way too much. He basically decided that he loved me way too fast without knowing me. I got home to 14 texts and 2 voicemails. The only reason I didn't have more was that my mail box was full. I can't. I try so hard, but I legit can't.