Cat Stevens is singing to me... :) Moonshadow

I had a comfortable day. I was afraid this morning that it was going to be pretty rotten. Work is just 100% stress lately. I'm having such difficulty with the people there performing their required tasks with efficiency. I don't expect more from them than I do myself, so I don't think it's too much to ask. There is so much bitching about who didn't do this or that instead of just pulling together to get the job done. As a shift leader my role is to make sure the ship doesn't sink. Helping those who are getting behind, the extra filler person sometimes. I do get exasperated though with the attitudes around me, especially with the ones who complain all the time and the one who is disrespectful to me all the time. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Though I perform all the duties of a real manager in this capacity, I do not carry the clout.  I hope it gets better soon.

Church tonight was nice. They sang more hymns/ hymn like songs. I like those so much better than the repetitive fluff of "praise and worship" songs that they usually sing. Brent preached on how huge God is. How unknowable. How He didn't create us because he was lonely, he just did 'cause he wanted to. It was just really good to hear.  Sometimes I am surprised with church and I really like it. :-) 
I was told that I seem like a person who doesn't just do things because other people do, or because other people say that I should. I laughed. I told them that they were right, I stand on my own two feet. I'm not easily molded that's for sure.

I spent the remainder of the evening at Borders researching selling and marketing for my newest venture. I'll expound more on it at a later point. Suffice to say, I'm going to help my dad with his venture. 

I'm going to head off now. Townes Van Zandt just sang the sad ballad of Pancho and Lefty to me. If you know the song, I'm excessively proud of you.
Be well.

Do You Believe In Magic?

I've had such a comfortable last couple of days. I don't really know why, it's just been a series of small things. I had Sunday off of work, this is such a rare occurrence that it just was amazing. I was really productive in getting some much needed cleaning done in my house, made dinner to bring to potluck at church, and just had a really relaxing day. Monday I was supposed to have off of work, but I picked up a 3 hour serving shift. I was really dreading it, because I just didn't want to work. But it was good. I miss serving. I gave half my shift away yesterday, and spent the afternoon and evening with friends and research time at borders.
I'm researching things for the garden. Reading lots of books with ideas for what to grow, how to grow, what to be careful of. All kinds of things. I've also been doing some reading on bees. Next year the idea is to have bees too. This is so amazing. I think I'm currently living in a pretend world. Two of my all-time favorite books are "The Harvester" and "The Bee-Keeper" both by Gene Stratton-Porter. This is putting them both together in my life. It could be awesome.
I'm also taking a different direction for the kids club. I need to teach them how to make their letters correctly and at the least, the multiplication table. The one 12 year old I was helping do his lowest common denominator fraction problems, couldn't tell me what 3x8 was. He wanted to use a calculator. So, I'm trying to find some math games to make math fun, and I'm going to make writing contests with prizes to whoever can write the neatest. This starts tonight, so we'll see how it goes.

It's back to the grind of 10 hour days starting tomorrow, and likely lasting throughout the weekend. Pray that I notice the moments and not get trapped by the stress of the whole.

And what a week it has been!

I've been crazy busy this past week. So much so, I sincerely don't remember doing much besides working. Working 6 days does wipe out your week, especially when the one day you have off you run an afterschool kids program. ;)
Good things that happened this week:
I went shopping with Alisa and picked out my bridesmaid dress for  her wedding!
I decided to change focus in the kids club. I have to go back to the basics with these kids. Going to teach them how to make their letters correctly, and basic multiplication.
Mommy had her surgery and got the stones sonically blasted out.
My brother Nathanael turned 17.
I spent the evening with the Schnabel's Thursday night going over what we're going to plant on the farm. Especially in regards to the herbs. It's going to be so awesome!

So here I am, lame, I know, but I got home from work about an hour ago, took a long hot shower- got into my pajama's and now I'm curled up in my bed, writing this and fixing to go to sleep at 7:30 on a Saturday night. I'm so awesome. hahaha

The sunrise was absolutely amazing this morning. I was feeling cranky because I didn't want to go to work and there it was, pink and blue and white- the sun making the land and trees glitter. Amazing. I felt guilty for not getting much less cranky because of it, but while it made my soul soar... I still had no desire to go to work. :)
 But now I have the next two day off of work, thank the Lord.

Awkward and other stories

Last night was a Friday night. I worked the 5am-1pm shift, so I had nothing planned for the rest of the day.  I went home, had some lunch, and took a nap. (Those 5am's mess up my sleep!)  I decided to go out to a coffee shop do some writing and finish up that Yoga of Jesus book. While I was out, I happened to see that it was opening night for The Green Hornet. I bought myself a ticket and went it. I really don't mind going to see movies by myself. I know it's weird, but, it's not really a big deal, I do most things by myself. :-)  As I'm sitting there waiting for the movie to start, someone sits down next to me. Now, there are plenty of other seats in the theatre, so I'm a little weirded out by this. I look over, and I think to myself. SHIT. (The thought was in all caps... haha) Beside me now is this guy that asked me out last year. I almost went out with him, until I found out that he had a daughter 3 years younger than me, and that was just too weird. So, yeah, he and his 6 year old son sat next to me during the movie. AWKWARD.

So, having now completed reading the Yoga of Jesus by Parmahasna Yogananda, I have decided that while the overall idea of the book is intriguing, there's alot in the book that's not truth. The tempering of truth to it made for an interesting read however. But when it comes to having to sit up straight so I can see out my inner eye, and that that was what Jesus was talking about when he said "straight is the gate and narrow is the way" haha. ....
But there were some challenging parts too, especially in regards to knowing God. So, I'd recommend it, if just for a new viewpoint.

This week will be another long one. 20 hours in, 28 more to go in the next 3 days.

I hope your week brings new insights and new people to share life with.

Thoughts on Damage and other things

So the other day I got an email from the guy I went out with on the Outer Banks a couple of times. He wanted to tell me that he'd met a girl. He was the only guy I've like for real dated, 3 really nice comfortable dates. But, at the end of the last one, I just knew deep down in my gut, he was not my person. I didn't want to know that, but I did, so when he went back down to the beach, I wrote him a note asking him where he thought we were as far as anything goes, and he told me he didn't know where he was, so let's just keep it like it was. I was totally okay with that. Just friends.  My dad really liked this guy, so he has been having trouble understanding why I don't mind. He thinks it's because I'm just comfortable with guys being at a distance and I'm too scared to let them any closer.  I don't think so. I just.. I don't know. I just KNOW when they're not my person. Granted, there are sometimes that I'm not sure, they might be, so I let it ride... but then it always comes to naught anyhow.
It hurts me though, how much crap I get about it. Alot of it from my dad. He likes to tease, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I will not go hunting. If I am not what the guys around me are looking for, so be it. Maybe it's just meant to be like this. I will not settle for someone who doesn't think and doesn't care about things. I just can't.
Some little old ladies came in to the Cracker Barrel yesterday and I waited on them. The one said to me "You've got to be careful with dimples like that, I bet you've got the guys lined up to court you."  I just laughed with the pain in my eyes, "No," I responded, "I am 25, and I've never had a boyfriend."  Later she told me that she'd had a Word from the Lord, He'd told her to tell me that the guy I've been waiting for is coming, and will be well worth the wait. ha. Good to know.
The part of me that is self sufficient and independent doesn't care. You can't miss what you've never known. But the part of me that is fragile, doesn't know what's wrong with me.


My brother yesterday flipped off a school bus. I couldn't understand where in what universe that was okay. Apparently one of the kids had done it to one of my little sisters. So, I understand, but at the same time. It is only us that have control over our actions. How you respond to other people is on you and you alone. You have the choice to respond rightly, or wrongly. That was wrongly, however you may justify it in your mind. Because it didn't end up just effecting him, but the whole family and anyone on that bus that saw. The younger kids saw him do it, therefore in their minds it's not necessarily as bad as it was before they saw him do it. "But, Josiah did it!!" My mother happened to see it out of the window, told my dad, and they were very upset. They don't want Josiah alone with the kids if he can't control his own behavior.  And who knows who saw him on the bus and what their reactions were to that.  Poor life decisions don't just effect us, but all those around us.


It poured snow yesterday, so I think before evening I'm going to go get the kids and take them sledding. They're coming up anyway because it's mama's 51st birthday, but not until dinner time ish.  I'm making big Turkey dinner tonight. I made 6 pies last night with the help of my friend/ adopted sister Desiree. She's amazing. So, it'll be Thanksgiving again, only on a smaller scale. :)

Be well.

Dude

The past 4 days all I've done is work and sleep. Granted, I've worked over 30 hours in these 4 days alone... I'm just tired. I got off work at 3 today, and all I've wanted to do since is go to sleep! So, here I am, it's 6 o'clock, and I just put on my pajamas- ready for sleep. I'm so lame. I just haven't been able to function. Yesterday I went to church, and usually it makes me think, people inspire me. But instead, I felt cut off from my soul, going through the motions, but nothing really connecting. 


There are no more words tonight.

There are so many thoughts that I want to put down. But the thoughts are incomplete, so it is hard to form them into readable paragraphs.

Have you ever been worried that you may be opening a door that should not be opened?  Because there might be a tiger on the other side who will eat you.

I have to be at work in 5 and a half hours, but just because I have to get up early, doesn't mean I can fall asleep just because. I love and hate my job. I love working with people. But, I think I want to do something different. The possibilities are endless, but the means are hard to come by.

I refuse to gather in more debt. Unless it is completely necessary, I wish to get out of debt as soon as possible. Which, will be a couple years. To be rid of my debt in 1 year, I would have to pay $1200 a month.  When I make approximately that much.... It may be more doable than I thought. I just have to not have to pay for anything else. Oh wait. Crap. hah.
Why does everything in life have to revolve around money? If I want to learn how to do something, it costs me money. If I want to go somewhere, it cost me money. If I want to eat, it cost me money. If I want to have shelter, it cost me money. Damnation.

After I got off work today, I changed into some normal clothes and went to the shoe store. It's been pouring snow, and my 3 year old boots have been leaking. I caught the shoe salesman looking at me. "Oh, I was just appreciating how you look, your outfit suits you." I laughed. The black jacket over top a purple turtleneck paired with a knee length black with white polka dot skirt, black tights and knee high boots, yes, I was looking fine. ;) If only he had been 40 years younger.  What can I say, the old guys and the creepy guys love me.

Did I ever tell you about my cult guy? He told me that I'd been reincarnated several times, this is infact my 15th time back. I know, right?! Old soul, here. haha.  I just can't fathom reincarnation. I'm fairly open minded, but I just can't wrap my head around that one. There's been quite a bit about reincarnation in that Yoga of Jesus book I've been reading. I wonder if my beliefs will ever steady out, and I'll know the truth, or if it will always be the search. I have a feeling it is supposed to be the search.

That's it for tonight.
Enjoy the colors and frozen shapes of winter.

To many things

To the things that might have been:


If only.... the timing had been right.

If only... I was shorter.

If only... I had been born 50 years ago.

If only... I was not so responsible.

If only...


To the things that are:

I am exactly where God has me in my life's journey.

I am tall, and not bad looking either. Just so you know, I look fantastic in heels. ;-)

I was born in 1985 for a reason. The here and now needs me.

I am responsible. You need never doubt my dependability or loyalty.


To the things that are yet to come:

I am ready.

The Day

Today was a good day, yesterday was a good day. I can only assume, tomorrow will be a good day as well. Crazy, my days off are really good days. I wonder if that says something. Yesterday I slept in really ridiculously late, it was like 11 before I got out of bed.  Got some house cleaning done before the parents came over. I made them dinner, we hung out for awhile. After they went home I went to Borders. I wanted to read more of this book a friend had told me about. It's really good, because you get emotionally interested in what's going on in the story. I was enjoying it, but after awhile I had to put it down. I randomly came across another book called "The Yoga of Jesus". It's really quite fascinating in some ways and completely off the nutter wagon in others. It's amazing how there are bits of truth in everything. Once I finish it I'll give you more of a detailed decision on the book.
Today I spent the majority of it with my friend Erin. I hadn't seen her in a couple weeks, so it was nice to catch up and share what's been going on in my life with her. She was so spazzy today though. It was hilarious. I was a little bit worried when we stopped for coffee. :-) You know that squirrel in the movie Hooodwinked? That was her. It was awesome.
Then I spent the evening with the siblings. Made an awesome dinner, and now am fixing to watch some movies. A very uninspiring end to the day, but oh so comfortable. :)

I hope you also have gotten to have some time to do nothing and relax. It's winter, hibernate.

Thoughts on Inspiration

Jason preached last night on how as "little Christs" people should see Jesus in us, and be automatically attracted to that.  We have a community of people who genuinely care about one another, sharing in the pains and the joys, pouring into the lives one another. At least that's the idea.

My thoughts are more a long these lines: We meet very few people in our lives that make measurable impact. Crossroads people. People that inspire us to be better than we are. The only thing is, is that I don't think that they will necessarily always be that person for us. It's like a chance meeting on an interstate. You're driving along and there's a scenic bypass, this one car turns off, you decide to follow until that car goes off in another direction. But that scenic bypass made inspired you in some way.
When I was 18, I met my friend Jonathan Cannone, he introduced me to out-of-the-box thinking in a very real way. Christian existentialism. If we bring The Matrix into this for an example, he was just at the point where he could jump buildings, and he stretched me just enough so that I believed I could jump buildings too, and I succeeded. Jonathan went off in another direction, his spiritual path has yet to again coincide with my own.  He was a crossroads person for me. Because of him, I grew beyond traditional Christianity. I guess, though, I shouldn't say because of him, more with his help, I grew. My path was already inclined toward that direction, but he helped me leap across.
When I was 24, I met the people of LoveCanton. Ricky Miller inspires me to let go and let God be in control. He consistently reminds me that it's okay to have doubt, and that God is that dad who never lets go. He tells me I'm not insane for seeing God in coincidences. He reminds me to stop and pray.
The Schnabel's passion for life inspires me. They don't just talk their faith, they are remarkable doers. They are reducing their carbon footprint, they are passionate about helping people. They think outside the box of society, and they love the peace of the mountains.

Those questions of "Who am I?" and "Who have I inspired to be better?" are legitimate questions, not with the intention of making you feel guilty, but the intention of inspiring us to be better. Are we living our lives to the fullest, or do we make a half ass effort and skate through life without inspiring or being inspired?

Let's change our lives so we can help others change theirs. Let's jump buildings together.

Observations and thoughts

The stars were out tonight. First time in weeks. It makes me wish I lived away from the city lights, there are so many stars I can't see because it's just too light out. I went up to the Yukon Canada a couple years ago. You have never seen anything as inspiring as the stars up there. There are so many things that lift my soul to inspiring heights, the vastness of the ocean, the massive mountains, the great expanse of the plains, but to me the sky is where all the magic culminates. The night sky up there hundreds of miles from civilization, no pollution, there are no blank spots in the sky, it's filled with stars. Catching sight of the Northern Lights was outstanding. I hope you get to experience the same some day.

I've had such good conversation lately. It's so amazing how God brings people into your life just when you need them, and surprisingly when they need you too.

Those are all the words from me tonight. They are not flowing. It probably has something to do with my eyes not wanting to stay open.