How do I say the things that I feel in my soul? How do I
process and move forward in a healthy manner?
Heath is the one that I want. I have never wanted anyone
more, I have never felt for anyone the way I feel for him. But, he doesn’t want
me. Well, he does, but he doesn’t. When
he shut me out the week of our 3 year mark, I decided to try dating again-
because I can’t just wait for him to get his shit together. What if there is
someone else who would treat me better? That actually wants me all the time,
and not just sometimes. I don’t want to limit myself to him if he doesn’t want
to make any effort for me. He tells me all the time to find someone else. I don’t know if he actually wants me to, so
that he doesn’t feel obligated to me- or if it’s a self defeatist move on his
part thinking that he’ll never be worthy of me.
I just don’t know.
Friday night this guy came into me work, he came in the
other entrance, and for some reason, caught my eye right away- he was staring
at me, and smiled as he walked back to the bathroom. He sat down at my bar, and
had that hungry look in his eyes as he looked at me. There was a magnetism about
him, that spark that is the joy of life. Few people have it, and I can say easily
that the men in my life that I have been with have all had it. He added me on Instagram before he left that
evening, and the next day asked me of I wanted to go out. We talked on the
phone for awhile beforehand- he told me that he wasn’t looking for anything serious.
The part of me that needs a good roll in the hay and misses heath is totally
fine with nothing serious. The part of me that is desperately in love with
Heath- and believes in the sanctity of sex with someone you love- is not okay
with any of it.
We went out- had dinner and a drink. Walked down to the
lake, and he kissed me. And then kept at it. I had warned him previously that I
was on my time of the month- but his hands kept traveling down that direction. He
had me sit on his lap, as we sat on a bench by the water- and he explored my
figure with his hands- and kissed me often. I didn’t let them become passionate
tongue kisses, kept them soft and sweet- for some reason saving the passion for
Heath felt like it was important. And- I don’t love this guy. He's nice and
interesting, but is probably not at all someone that I should feel anything
for, especially if he doesn’t want anything serious. But it was nice to feel
wanted. I just don’t know. Heath texted me last night- but I was asleep- normally
I wake up but it was solid deep sleep.I just want to talk to him. I need him to
come home. I need him to want me forever.
