The full story of the Unicorn and the Wizardess rewritten

The Tale of The Unicorn and the Wizardess
by Leighannah Austin

I rummaged through the papers in the box. What is this? I pulled from the box a leather bound notebook. It was one of those old fashioned journals with a heart shaped lock to keep intruders from reading it. But the key was attached by a thread, so I had to see what was inside.

The yellowed pages were musty and the scrawl close to illegible.

“To the one that I love.” It was dedicated, followed with “2 more minutes, and I’ll be there. Forever the figure of my dreams.”

This must’ve been an early work of my aunt’s. Obviously it had been too personal to publish.

Flipping it open, I read the title “The Unicorn and the Wizardess: a tale of love and magic.”

“Once upon a time there was a land much like our own today. The difference was there was magic about. Some creatures wielded it naturally, some wielded it for good, others for bad. Still others had no magic at all. Most creatures in this world were born with magic, but lost it as they grew up. They would forget the powers that were given to them at birth with the onslaught of dark forces that stole magical powers. In this land there was a wizardess. She wielded the magic of peace, love and harmony. She had somehow withstood the onslaught of the dark forces and had overcome them while she was yet young. Now they still would come for her, but found her to be a formidable enemy whenever they did battle.
The wizardess was alone in her journey through life. She had hoped to find the mythical creature known as a unicorn.  The lore had always told tales of the beautiful connection between wizardess’ and unicorns. But everyone knew that the unicorns had gone extinct before her time, so she traveled her path and kept an eye out for some magical creature that would be her companion. There had been twice she had thought she might have found one to travel with her, but she had been mistaken.  Once it had been a rhinoceros, and the other had merely been a horse.  The horse had looked like a Pegasus, so she had thought he had magic.  Alas, the wings had merely been clip on wings.
So on she journeyed.  It was a pity that there were no such things as unicorns, the other creatures of magic would never be able to understand her like a unicorn.
She made many friends along the way. Some were creatures of magic, but mostly just the ones that had forgotten their origins. The wizardess could not and would not settle for the donkeys, whales, and old goats that were ever drawn to her magic.
The path she had been taking grew wearisome, so the wizardess started planning a far off journey.  It was time for her to venture out to see the wonders of the world.  Maybe there would be new and interesting magical creatures and places.
As she was making her preparations, she heard something on the wind.  Something that carried with it that familiar hint of magic.
The sound had come from far away, and she couldn't see that far. So she used her magical senses to feel it out. As she explored she trembled with excitement, the magic that touched hers in return could only come from one source.  That mythical creature that everyone knew was long extinct, was there, hidden from sight. He has sensed her magic and had sent out a pulse of his own.
"Come to me, dear heart." She called to him.

                                               *     *    *    *   *    *    *     *     *     *

 As I flipped the pages of the journal, pictures fell out. Pictures of flowers, pictures of hills and skies, pictures of sand and oceans, sun rises and sunsets. The romance of beauty. On the bottom of each page was a song title and artist, or simply a lyric from a long forgotten song, or an old classic.  The first one was written in a heart-shaped doodle, the lyrics from the classic from Frank Sinatra “Come Fly with Me”. My aunt had a collection of Frank Sinatra movies and songs, even a painting that my mother had made for her one year.  It must have held a lot of significance to her.

I started reading again.

 

“ Long ago the unicorn was born, at first it didn't realize that it was different from the rest of the creatures. The other creatures looked at it as though it were deformed in someway, not realizing that it was in fact, a unicorn, and a magical being. The unicorn tried to love and be loved, but each time, he would come away with scars. Then one day after he had nearly given up on finding another magical creature who would understand him and not see him as deformed, he happened across a wizardess. He could feel her magic as she brushed past his outer senses. She wielded strong magic.

When she saw his magical powers from afar and called to him, he kept his distance. Looking and wondering as he saw this strange being. She appeared safe, but she could be dangerous, far more dangerous than the other creatures he had met along the way. The power of the magic she wielded was strong, so one day their magic touched. The distance that still separated them was enough to keep it from enveloping them, but the sparks flew as the tendrils of magic touched.

 
As with all acts of magic, the dark forces sensed it, and came to contain and destroy. They attacked first the wizardess, - the unicorn tried to help, but he was so far away and unused to sending magic. As her strength started to fail, they attacked the unicorn. But this had an unanticipated reaction from the wizardess that the dark forces did not expect. Her magic and fight did not dissolve, instead, it grew with leaps and bounds and fought to pass through the dark forces to reach the unicorn. The magic that she sent could be used by him to help combat the forces that threatened him. Their combined magic could keep the dark forces at bay.
“Wield the power of love, my unicorn. The dark forces cannot combat it. The rainbows you create baffle them, and you can escape. Come to me, my unicorn, we will ride away together, our magic entwined so naught can penetrate it,” the  wizardess called to him.
“Don't be scared of my magic, let it pass through your shield. I promise it won't hurt, and the dark will not pass through with it. I will fight it off of you from the outside, as much as I can, but letting me in would help the fight. We could defeat it entirely - together.”

But alas, the unicorn could not. He wanted to so badly, but he was trapped. It was only a matter of time before he would finally break free, but he was still stuck.  What if she thought he didn’t have enough magic if he couldn’t even break free from this thing that he was caught in?  The wizardess deserved so much better than a scarred unicorn. Other creatures had already asked for his help once he was free from the trap.  He had a mission and his time was not his own. But he couldn’t tell her, not yet.

 *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *   *  *  *

 

The wizardess continued to try coax the unicorn into coming closer, that she was safe. But then one day, he stopped. "This isn't real." He said suddenly, and before her eyes, transformed into a man. A beautiful man, but no longer a unicorn. "I cannot be a unicorn anymore. I have to be real. You may have your magic, but I must see it in real life to believe. I cannot keep playing along. It's not fair to either of us."
So the wizardess dropped her veil of magic. "I knew all along that you were not really a unicorn. I know that you are a flesh and blood man, who must experience and touch and feel. But I am so far away, I thought the illusion would help with the distance until the distance can be shortened. See me, oh man, for who I am. A flesh and blood woman. With fire in her veins, and a wellspring of love in her heart. I saw you and thought I saw what I had been waiting for my whole life. "

When the wizardess let down the veil of magical fantasy that had surrounded them, the unicorn revealed why it was taking him so long to get to her. He was stuck in a mire. If he tried to take a step, he would be sunk even further. And not only that, but deep in the mire were thorns and they stabbed and scratched at him until he bled, but still he had to wait. There were also people to save, and he could only save them by staying. "Beloved wizardess, I would have been there the moment you called, had I been able. There was no need for all the magic. But wait I must, until help arrives." The wizardess ached for him, with the knowledge of the pain and frustration that she had added to his life since he had shielded her from witnessing his pain. But now she was no longer in the dark. Now she could be more careful. So she waited, sending what magic she could to ease his suffering instead of adding to it. "Be strong my unicorn, help is coming. The universe has heard my call combined with yours. It is coming. Soon you will be free, and I will tend to your cuts and bruises."

The day help arrived, it didn’t have the outcome that the wizardess anticipated. She had thought that the unicorn would be free and they would be able to travel together down the path of life. But he said to her as he stepped from the mire, still bleeding and alone, "Wizardess, you cannot follow me where I have to go. I must go alone. "

The wizardess cried.

"My unicorn, for you will always be my unicorn, go in peace. If my presence causes suffering then it is not the time for our paths to merge.
It hurts me to let go. I don't want to, for I have seen your soul and I love it. But I cannot fight for you if you don't want me to. " the wizardess replied.

And so the wizardess turned away from the disappearing figure of the unicorn as he trotted off on his quest to distant lands. There was a pain in her heart, but it would be okay. Now she knew there was a unicorn that still existed on this planet, and while she would never lay eyes on him, or touch his skin, their magic had touched, and it had been a beautiful thing.

As she turned away he glanced back, “Oh beloved,” he whispered to the wind, “I love your soul. I must heal, and I don’t want you to wait for me. If you found me, there may be other unicorns on your path. Keep going, keep searching. If and when I am better, I will hunt you down and see if you have found yourself another unicorn, and if the time is right, I will reveal myself once again.”
But the wizardess couldn’t quite catch the words. The only word she heard was “love”. And she turned around to watch once again. His back was still to her.

The wizardess continued on her journey. He loved her. That was enough for now. The future was yet unwritten, and she knew the power of love. If their paths never merged again, so be it, but the magic of love is based on hope and the future is written only one day at a time. “

*   *  *  *  *   *  *  *  *  *

There were tear stains on the last page. I had several aunts, but I hadn’t really grown up around this aunt. She was always off in some other part of the world having grand adventures that she would write about.  She did have a man that she loved. I wondered if he was the unicorn she had written about. I’d have to ask her the next time we talked.

....as if my day wasn't hard enough already

An excerpt from a letter to my unicorn
 "My day has been just one long day of bad ness. I was the only person at work until 8:30, normally there's 4 by that point. So I was running around. Then when 1 more person finally showed up late she was hungover and almost worthless. There was an evil man who needed to speak to a manager, so he decided to rip me a new one because he  was entitled to better service than he got at first. He had to wait 10 minutes to be seated and then there was no sugars on the table or silverware because we had been so busy it had gotten swiped off the table by another that had run out.  He didn't care that we were understaffed because that was obviously just bad management and we needed to get it together for him tomorrow. Because he deserved it. (his very words) there was a lot more, but I just took it. As if I wasn't hanging on by a thread to keep all of the other customers happy. His was the only complaint and it was a doozy. I tried so hard this morning.

Then got your letter.

Then I got home- and got I told you so's. Then mail came, and I got a letter from the apt. complex charging me $850 even though hey had said in the walk thru that I was fine and I would get my deposit back.

And then the lawyer telling me that the bank isn't separating my car from the credit card, so there is no telling exactly how much I still owe on it. So I can't get the title before I leave. And who knows when all that will get cleared up. "

 

 

change of plans

So because I had anticipated the turn out of the end of the unicorn/wizardess story, I have been thinking about my change of plans. No more Costa Rica, because the only point to going there was that there was a beautiful man who had potential, and it sounded like a cool place to adventure.
I think I shall revert to my original plans. I have zero desire to stay here any longer, so I will still leave soon to be in Ohio for Maggie's birthday. From there, I'll go out to Colorado and see my mafia guys and spend some time with Eve. I'll venture forth from there to Seattle- find out what awaits me there for the winter, and then Europe in the spring. One step at a time.

Work has been utterly rotten at both places these past few days so I'm just anxious to go. It's time.  It's funny how in the end, when I decided I've had enough, things always fall apart so completely that it's obviously time to go.

I think I'm going to sleep my afternoon away- I'm so far behind in sleep, and it will take all that I have to regain my equilibrium. No regrets. My love is ever freely given. One day maybe it will be returned, but until that day, they needed it more than I apparently. :)

In which the unicorn says goodbye

"Wizardess, you cannot follow me where I have to go. I must go alone. "
The wizardess cried.
"My unicorn, for you will always be my unicorn, go in peace. If my presence causes suffering then it is not the time for our paths to merge.
It hurts me to let go. I don't want to, for I have seen your soul and I love it. But I cannot fight for you if you don't want me to. " the wizardess replied.
And so the wizardess turned away from the disappearing figure of the unicorn as he trotted off on his quest to distant lands. There was a pain in her heart, but it would be okay. Now she knew there was a unicorn that still existed on this planet, and while she would never lay eyes on him, or touch his skin, their magic had touched, and it had been a beautiful thing.

The blues

At the end of my leash.
I shouldn't have worked as much as I have over the summer.  I feel like I made everything go round held everything together on a fragile balance and now it's all being kicked out from under me. If you take away all my foundation props I can't guarantee the places aren't going to fall apart.  I'm sorry.


And on top of that, some woman I barely know,  met her a couple years ago at a music event- she calls me today in a fit of drunken depression.  I don't know how to fix that.  I don't know what she needs, I don't know how to help. So once again my hands are tied.

My unicorn is going to Costa Rica the day after tomorrow.  Which means I can't see him, nor can I send him the thing I'd hoped to have him take with him. Which is a bummer. But he's so excited for this new adventure,  I'm happy for him. September 15th can't get here soon enough.

reminiscent

I am reveling in my lazy day. I have a full day off of work, and nothing planned. I should at some point shower and get dressed.... I should also go to the bank and get my oil changed.  At this point I'm not feeling super motivated though.  I've been going through old memories. Just remembering what was.
These whole past few months here on the outer banks have really just been a blur of working. It's been good to be here, I think. I've gotten closer with the little sisters. Especially with Jerusha, since I have recently brought her in to start working with me. Tonight is her first night working there without me, and she's nervous. Apparently for all the times I've made her cry because I force her outside of her comfort zone, I have the ability to calm her down when she's freaking out.
It feels like time has moved so fast, it was just March the other day, now it's fixing to be September.
Except where my unicorn is concerned. Time slows down in that area. I've been waiting so long. But not much longer now. The countdown has begun.

Last night I managed to swing a $4.50 raise per hour. Which is crazy and awesome. Even still I'm uncertain how I managed to pull that off, but there are no complaints here. I've made a good amount of money these past two days alone. Nearly $500. Which is epic. And, it only will continue. This is really good because I was starting to worry about the lack of money that's been able to be saved. I want to be able to leave soon, but it wasn't looking like it was going to be feasible. Now, though, a couple more weeks and I'll be down the road. I can't wait.
I think at this point my plan is to be out around the 15th of September, because I'd really like to see my best friend and her baby for her birthday on the 16th because I have yet to meet the child. I feel really bad as though I'm neglecting my best friend duties. But it could not be helped. And after a short visit there, I'm off on my adventure.

The tale of the unicorn and the wizardess part 1

In the beginning.

Once upon a time there was a wizardess. She wielded the magic of peace, love and harmony.
She was alone in her journey through life. She had hoped to find the mythical creature known as a unicorn.  But everyone knew that they had gone extinct before her time.
There had been twice she had been mistaken.  Once it had been a rhinoceros,  and the other had merely been a horse.  The horse had looked like a Pegasus,  so she had thought he had magic.  Alas, the wings had merely been clip on wings.
So on she journeyed.  There were no such things as unicorns, but there were other creatures of magic. They would never be able to understand her like a unicorn would (for all the old lore has always spoken of the partnership between wizardess' and unicorns as legendary) but these other creatures of magic would be her friends on the many paths she would explore. The wizardess could not and would not settle for the donkeys,  whales, and old goats that were ever drawn to her magic.
The laws of magic require magical beings to partner with other magical beings. Some magical creatures refuse to observe this law and loose their abilities.

The wizardess started planning a far off journey.  She would venture out to see the wonders of the world.  Maybe there would be new and interesting magical creatures and places.
As she was making her preparations,  she heard something on the wind.  Something that carried with it that familiar hint of magic.  What could it be? she wondered.
The sound had come from far away,  and she couldn't see that far. So she used her magical senses to feel it out. As she explored she trembled with excitement,  the magic that touched hers in return could only come from one source.  That mythical creature that everyone knew was long extinct,  was there, hidden from sight. He has sensed her magic and had sent out a pulse of his own.
"Come to me,  dear heart." She called to him.

The little goals

What's on the agenda for today?
Nap. Check.
Writing. Doing that now. Check.
Beach... if I don't do it before work, I'm for sure going after work. It's going to be another beautiful night.


The story of the wizardess and the unicorn continues. Not quite as before, more carefully, and with more love.
When the wizardess let down the veil of magical fantasy that had surrounded them, the unicorn revealed why it was taking him so long to get to her. He was stuck in a mire, help had been called, but he wasn't free. If he tried to take a step, he would be sunk even further. And not only that, but deep in the mire were thorns and they stabbed and scratched at him until he bled, but still he had to wait. There were also people to save, and he could only save them by staying. "Beloved wizardess, I would have been there the moment you called, had I been able. There was no need for all the magic. But wait I must, until help arrives." The wizardess wept. The pain and frustration that she had added to his life since he had shielded her from witnessing his pain. But now she was no longer in the dark. Now she could be more careful. So she waited, sending what magic she could to ease his suffering instead of adding to it. "Be strong my unicorn, help is coming. The universe has heard my call combined with yours. It is coming. Soon you will be free, and I will tend to your cuts and bruises."

In which the unicorn becomes a man

The story of the unicorn and wizardess continued down the path of fantasy. The wizardess continued to try coax the unicorn into coming closer, that she was safe. But then one day, he stopped. "This isn't real." He said suddenly, and before her eyes, transformed into a man. A beautiful man, but no longer a unicorn. "I cannot be a unicorn anymore. I have to be real. You may have your magic, but I must see it in real life to believe. I cannot keep playing along. It's not fair to either of us."
So the wizardess dropped her veil of magic. "I knew all along that you were not really a unicorn. I know that you are a flesh and blood man, who must experience and touch and feel. But I am so far away, I thought the illusion would help with the distance until the distance can be shortened. See me, oh man, for who I am. A flesh and blood woman. With fire in her veins, and a wellspring of love in her heart. I saw you and thought I saw what I had been waiting for my whole life. "

And she waited. Now it was up to the man to decide. Things could not go back to the way they were to begin with, there was now too much history. The illusion had been laid too long and too well to go back to like it was when they first saw eachother.
She cringed at the thoughts of her mistakes. How she may have ruined something beautiful through miscalculations and inexperience. Her magic had never worked on a boy before, why would she have thought that it would work now. Her magic was merely good at coincidences, and finding joy, and usually the both were combined. "Stick to what you know, test the waters, but don't magic another person. It can break them."  She recited to herself.


And so the story goes.

The end of an era and other things

So I scheduled myself off 3 days this week. I went down to Florida- took care of the apartment. Avoided speaking to, or seeing Josh, though he cost me the whole first day of cleaning. But, I went to see my firefighters. As luck would have it, they were all there. Matt happened to be downstairs working out so he saw me and came to open the door. If he hadn't been, there would've been no way for me to get their attention- the new firehouse is 2 stories and their living quarters are upstairs. Ironically they had apparently been talking about me that very day. They were in awe of me just showing up out of the blue like that. What can I say, I have magical coincidental powers.  I went and got icecream at my friends homemade icecream place, and then went to sit on the beach to try and refresh my soul. It was in panic mode. Not only was I stressed about the unknown of what I'd be walking into as far as the apartment goes, but I had this bankruptcy court- had no idea what  to expect. One of my old co-workers saw that I was back in town and decided to booty call me. I try and laugh it off, or deliberately misunderstand- but it stresses me out. I am not that kind of girl, never have been, never will be. You have a girl you're planning on marrying. Be true.
And my unicorn was once again MIA. More on that later. Basically my soul needed the ocean. It was good to sit for awhile.
My friend whose house I was staying in, was actually out of town- but she left me keys and her dogs to care for. Unbeknownst to me, she also had another friend also staying there. That was incredibly awkward. And the dogs wouldn't stop barking at every little thing. I hardly slept both nights due to this and too many thoughts on my mistakes.
I got all of the big stuff out to the trash the next morning. I think it was somewhere around 20 trashbags- plus the kitchen table and chairs and book case and side table. Justin came over to help me grab the mattress, recliner and couch and bring those over to the dumpster. I told him to wear gloves. It was so disgusting. I almost barfed so many times. There was a pizza with a mold forest growing on top still in the oven. There was the litter box, still full of cat litter and shit- there were hair balls the cat had barfed up on all the window sills. The toilets hadn't been cleaned since I left it looked like. It was so gross. And the roaches were in full infestation mode. SO MANY BUGS. Finally the morning was over and everything was out. It was about 90* in the apartment because apparently the air conditioning was broken again. so my plan was to come back in the evening and start cleaning-
So I ran up to my old work and said hi to them, took longer than anticipated, and then CJ wanted to meet for lunch- also took longer than anticipated- then I rushed to the courthouse. Got there early, waited- it was my turn, it took 5 minutes, and then it was official.
My dad's cousin had asked to meet up after court, but she wasn't answering her phone so I went back home. 45 minutes later she calls, and wants to meet up. It takes about 40 minutes to get to her house with rush hour traffic, and then another while to go to the place we're getting dinner. Suffice to say, I didn't end up getting back until 9. Went to the apartment and cleaned for a solid two hours and only got 2 rooms done out of 5. I was exhausted, so I went back to my bed and slept for a little while. Made it back to the apartment by 5 something this morning and had the rest of it done by 7:45. Went home to shower, made it back to the apartment to do the walk thru at 8:30. Everything was good, so I went to drop off the modem and boarded my plane.
Crazy enough, found one of my regulars from the cafe at check-in. He was delighted to see me, and ended up being on the same plane as me only a couple seat away. Crazy.
Now I'm home and in my bed, absolutely and utterly exhausted. Doubles at work for the foreseeable future. Probably good so I don't have time to think. The drive to and from Richmond- 3 hours of nothing but my thoughts and the radio, was rough.

As far as that goes- the moral of the story is that I've once again made a mistake. But this one was a series of them and I don't think it's fixable.
This thing people call love is outside of my area of expertise, so I pretend I know what I'm doing and run with it. And then it blows up. Another failed experiment.

Changes

So they hired my replacement at work, which is awesome. I'm not sure how it'll actually work out, but in theory, this is great. I'm going to go back to waiting tables, and hopefully make some extra money- and make enough to call it quits soon. We'll see though. It seems like all the time something else comes up. But I should only have like $1200 left on my car payment- and then that's taken care of, then I can reduce my car insurance and switch it up to NC instead of Florida- which will take a lot off of my monthly payment. - then there will be no more debt of any kind because I get all that taken care of on Monday. This is super exciting. Everything fresh and clear.
My sister and I pitched in to send my parents up to my dad's highschool reunion. He really wanted to go, but couldn't afford to go, so we gave them the money. It's good for him to be around friends.
I'm super nervous about the state of the apartment, I wonder what it's going to be like. I wonder if Josh is moved out. I'll see tomorrow. I won't have the time or wherewithal to do some of the things I really wanted to do, this being the last time I'll be in Florida. But, it's okay.


There's a lot I wonder about. I have no idea what I'm doing in regards to my unicorn. Basically, I feel like I'm putting it all out there on faith. There are so many times when I feel like I don't know him barely at all. There's so much I don't know and some days this really bothers me. It's not the simple things, like what his favorite color is, though I just asked that the other day, it's the things  like what makes him tick. Why does he respond in the ways he does? What makes him laugh? What inspires him? What motivates him? Is he not thinking or feeling things is that why he doesn't respond sometimes? Or does he just choose not to share for reasons of his own? I just can't tell.  Do I push too hard and he doesn't respond because of that? I don't know. I have no idea what he needs from me.
I need reassurance-I am so out of my comfort zone. It's not like I've ever been in this situation before. I've never liked a guy this much. And I've never shared this much of my soul before. Ever. To anyone. It's scary. I try not to think about it.
I guess if I put it in to words, it feels like I've chosen to share my love, but I don't trust yet. He hasn't won me yet. As it should be, I guess. I can't wait to see that face in person and be able to read the eyes and see what they say, if I can trust or not.
He (un)intentially? pushes me away sometimes, so that's when I start to wonder, because I don't know what's going on in his head.

Those are my thoughts for the evening.

Cries of the soul

The hypothetical story of the mythical creature- the unicorn. Long ago the unicorn was born, at first it didn't realize that it was different from the rest of the creatures. The other creatures looked at it as though it were deformed in someway, not realizing that it was in fact, a unicorn, and a magical being. The unicorn tried to love and be loved, but each time, he would come away with scars. Then one day after he had nearly given up on finding another magical creature who would understand him and not see him as deformed, one day he happened across a wizardess. She wielded magic. She saw his magical powers from afar and called to him. He kept his distance at first just looking and wondering as he saw this strange being. She looked safe, but she could be dangerous, far more dangerous than the other creatures he had met along the way. But the power of the magic she wielded was strong, so one day their magic touched. The distance that still separated them was enough to keep it from enveloping them, but the sparks flew as the tendrils of magic touched.
As with all acts of magic, the dark forces seek to contain and destroy, so they attacked. They attacked first the wizardess, - the unicorn tried to help, but he was so far away and he was unused to sending magic. As her strength started to fail, they attacked the unicorn. But this had an unanticipated reaction from the wizardess that the dark forces did not expect. Her magic and fight did not dissolve, instead, it grew with leaps and bounds and fought to pass through the dark forces to reach the unicorn. The magic that she sent could be used by him to help combat the forces that threatened him. Their combined magic could keep the dark forces at bay, for it is hard to defeat the darkness on your own.
Wield the power of love, my unicorn. The dark forces cannot combat it. The rainbows you create baffle them, and you can escape. Come to me, my unicorn, we will ride away together, our magic entwined so naught can penetrate it.
Don't be scared of my magic, let it pass through your shield. I promise it won't hurt, and the dark will not pass through with it. I will fight it off of you from the outside, as much as I can, but letting me in would help the fight. We could defeat it entirely - together.

Sleep was the key.

I slept all afternoon and then left to watch the sunset on pea island. It was magical. I just sat and relaxed. I had both bosses call me to see if I needed today's shifts taken care of. It's nice to be worried about. But, no. I've been okay to work today. My only stress today was anxiety for a MIA unicorn. But then he reappeared, a little worse for the wear, but there never-the-less. To reach down and pull out the love that I have and share it with him due to his bad weekend, it was surprisingly healing to myself. I don't know that it did anything for him, but, getting past my own life and just grasping the love - interesting phenomena.

I have yet to decide how to plot the course of my next step. I don't know if I should quit or ask for a raise. If it was a raise, it would have to be a $6.00 raise, which seems astronomical to me. I just don't know how I can afford to jump ship without it though. I shouldn't have to sacrifice my dreams for the betterment of other peoples lives, but I do. All the time. I need to figure out how to do both.

Peace and love have regained my heart and mind.  

I called off work.

I can't believe I did that. But, after nearly getting to tears at work this morning- I need sleep and to figure myself outside of this state I've gotten myself into. Why now.  That's my biggest question. I don't understand why all of a sudden this past week I've been so completely stressed at work that I am not in my happy place and I can't find it. At work both job, I am continually putting out fires. Not literal fires of course, emotional, hot headed children- cooks, customers and the super combustible combination of all of it. The owner and the owners son who are the only other people there with more leverage than me- are hot headed themselves and while they are good with customers, they fail epically when speaking to their staff. So I have to fix it. All the time.  Every single one of my children have asked me not to schedule them on my day off. Sorry kids, but I need a day off too. You have to work without me. If I wasn't there, there isn't a one of them that would still be working there. Now that next week the kids start leaving to go away to college, the staff drops in half and I have to figure out a way to maintain high quality service with half the staff. I don't know how it's going to work.
I feel like all of a sudden I'm realizing how much money I'm  not making, plus the weight of 2 restaurants. I have to pay off the $2000 on my car and then I have no more payments of any kind. This whole thing of paying everything down in Florida while living here- plus giving my parents money, I've probably spent $5700. So, it's a good thing it's only money. I just have no idea how I'm going to pull everything together when I am this burnt out right now.

I hate feeling like this. I hate that my focus is outside of the moment, but I'm having difficulty reigning it in. Solve the problems, save the world at Peppercorns and the Dunes has been how my brain has been rewired to think these past 5 months. But then somehow have hit my breaking point.

My unicorn has been a bright spot in my life without a doubt. Everything is better. But at the same time there is a level of stress there also, because I've never met him, I don't know if this is real or imaginary. There is so much that I fill in the blanks for. The other day he decided to fill in some of the blanks, but then he withdrew again. I want to doubt that it was intentional, but that stresses me out too, when I'm in the fragile state that I am in.  And I don't want it to. I want to be rational and be okay, but I'm not. I need to be held and not have to be strong at least for a little while, because some times life is a lot.
But the thing is, this is never an option for me. Whenever I have gotten to this point before, I always have to take care of it. Suck it up and get over it.

I'm tired. I'm going to sleep the afternoon away I think. Maybe I'll be better after that.