stuff of nightmares

 This new job has been the stuff of nightmares. 

The oven broke. The espresso machine is spitting water into the milk. The orders haven't been coming in. And in everything, my hands are tied. 

I'm exhausted. 

But I think things are looking up. Orders come in tomorrow. The fix-it people come tomorrow. 

H texted me the other day to ask me to mail him his prescriptions.  I did it, of course. He said he's coming home tomorrow.  So tomorrow will be a good day. 

I haven't talked to H since Nov 7th though, so I don't know what this next week will look like in regards to him. Maybe nothing. I guess we'll see. I told Vanessa this morning, that this is the worst he's ever been to me, especially because it follows the best he'd ever been.  

I guess we'll find out. I miss him with every breath. But at least work is too busy to even worry about it. 

silence

 There's still silence. I don't know what else to say- so I'm not saying anything. Letting it go. Letting him go. He'll come back at some point, if he wishes, otherwise- my life is moving forward. 

I miss having the attention of someone who loves me. I miss having someone to talk to about the things going on in my life. I miss feeling valued, and like a vital part of someone's life. But, there is straight up nothing that I can do about it, so I'm just going from one moment to the next. 

There is nothing else to do. 

I'm moving forward, albeit slowly, with the book.  My sister and Eve are supposed to be editing it for me, but honestly, they've had the book for 2 months now, and I haven't gotten anything back. So that's stressing me out. I've been editing myself- and there's just so much. 

I honestly sometimes just feel like scraping it and starting again.  It's fine, but it's not good. I don't want it to be fine. I need it to be good. I need it to be something to be proud of, and I'm just not. 

I started a new job yesterday, managing a coffee shop at the airport. I'm having to still work at the station, which is fine, but it's hard to start one day, and then have 2 days at the station and then go back. I'm very intrigued by what it's going to be like. I want to meet all the staff and get a feel for everything. 

But, I also don't want to leave the station. I like the regulars. I like the people I work with. I like not being the boss and I like all my free time. But, I need the money and the consistent amount, as well as the health care. I want to get my teeth fixed. I need to get some lady bits checked out.  So. Yeah. 

I miss him.