....and the churnings of my soul at midnight

So much anxiety tonight over stuff absolutely uncontrollable by me. So it's pointless to be worked up about it, but I am.

 

 

So, here's one of the stories. When I moved, my friends Mike and Jen Miller were supposed to come say goodbye the day I left. We were pretty close at this point, they attended the majority of our family birthday gettogethers and stuff, but I hadn't seen them since probably December and this was March that I left... they ended up calling and saying they weren't going to make it because they ran out of time and had something (some music show in canton) that they were going to go to. I was really hurt by this, I was moving away and they couldn't even say goodbye. So I left, we were friends on facebook, but they never commented on anything I posted though they'd comment on other friends. So basically I had no idea what was going on. The whole time I was gone I heard nothing from them until my birthday when Jen posted a happy birthday on my wall. At that point I had no idea what to even say in response that's how badly I'd been hurt by all this. The next month was November, and I was home.

That first week after being home, who do I run into in starbucks- Jason Lantz. He saw me, and was so excited to see me... telling me I should come to church see what they'd changed and yada yada. I just told him straight up that I didn't think that that was something I was up for. That I'd been really hurt by him and everything that had happened with the Dueber house fiasco.

He was confused. So I told him that when I called and left him a message asking him to call me back, and him not returning the call.... not cool. Him relaying "sorry you're shit outa luck" through someone else, not cool. I reminded him how hard it had been for me to step into living in that community, committing myself.

He apologized profusely. (and wanted to make sure he didn't harm my relationship with God- sorry dude. You don't have that power. haha)

Anyway. I forgave him to his face- I was already over the whole situation.. but yeah. So riding high on the endorphins of forgiveness, I decided to go see Jen at her work (where I used to volunteer- the Alzheimer's Association). I ended up talking to her for about 2 and a half hours. Turns out the reason they hadn't come to say goodbye is that they were having marital issues and weren't telling anyone, and were having a hard time faking it, especially around me. So, me coming home at this point in time was a godsend (apparently). Somehow I am that person that people talk to and rely on. At this point it had been discovered that Mike has a sexual addiction stemming from being molested as a kid by his cousin/his parents getting a divorce and just drama. He thought getting married (10 years previous at this point) would solve this problem, but not so. Long story short, Jen had found that he was looking at pictures, not of strangers. She also knew that he wasn't telling her something, but wasn't sure what it was. Could I help get Mike to tell the truth?

Well- I did. The truth was that he had an affair. And it's destroying their marriage. There is a baby on the way, just to complicate matters further. Jen is due in April, their first.

Somehow I became the middle person. The counselor, and I hate it. Mike is now in real counseling, in sex addition rehab... and going to church and apparently is growing leaps and bounds in his relationship with God.
Jen on the other hand is burdened with "why now?" and so much bitterness. She is the second most kind sweet individuals I know. And I hate seeing this. So much pain.

I really want her to talk to Erin, just so she can talk to someone who has been through this and survived....

The other story is my friend Desiree. It's tragic. She's the number one kindest sweetest person I know. Just the gentlest of souls. She's now engaged to a douche. This guy treats her badly, and has gotten her pregnant (with twins...!) she told me the other day that he's changing. She wasn't feeling well one evening because of the morning sickness (all day) and even though it was her turn to do the dishes, he did them. I think that's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.

She came down to visit me in July, and apparently he wasn't happy about her coming down because she was away from him. She wasn't answering his every call/text message which were pretty frequent while on the trip, so he broke up with her (just found that out today). Obviously they got back together, but it just shows in part how obsessive/controlling he is. She just wants everyone to be happy and is happy to have someone love her, even though that is not what love should be. Because of all this- I finally made the effort to get to know him. (She had basically been keeping him away from all her friends because she knows he's not good for her in her heart of hearts, and he has made no effort to get to know her friends, which is very weird to me. But, also goes to show what kind of a person he is.) They are both coming over for dinner on Friday, and I don't know how it's going to go.

I just care so much. But there is not a thing I can do for either of them. At the same time, I feel the weight of the world and all the pain on my shoulders.

Another reason why I just want to escape and run back to my ocean where the sand and sun, waves and wind brush all the pain of the world to the insignificant place it should hold.

Those are the achings of my heart tonight.

Introspective- not grumpy ;)

I've been doing alot of thinking. I know this is not unusual for me, but I've been made aware of a certain thing. There are life altering moments.
If I hadn't brought my friend Rachel and her family to a church near me when they visited (because I knew it was something they would appreciate)- Rachel would've never met and married (and divorced) Matt. Such a little thing...
If I had realized by my not being involved (out of just stubbornness) in my friend Desiree's church and/or making the time to try and meet her current fiance. Chances are, things wouldn't've progressed to where they stand now. She is pregnant and engaged because of said pregnancy.
Both situations I realize are direct results of their own choices, however, the moments in time where I play a part in their lives to set a course... craziness.
I am well aware that I do not control people's lives. But, like I was telling my friend Mike today, when he was telling me not to make a poor life decision... (Do I ever?!) It's not that I just am good. It's that I see the consequences both to myself and to all involved directly or indirectly and I just cannot. And, I see these consequences in other people's lives too, and I just want to help. Even though I can't.
I think it's like being a parent. You know better than your kid because you were also a kid once, but then sometimes you've just got to let them do their thing regardless of consequences.
I don't want to control... I can't anyway. Bah.

So that's what I'm thinking about today. Now it's time to stop thinking and just go to work. Be at peace.

Winter continues

I've slacked off this month as far as my routine goes. Granted I have been working alot more, French got paused, just because I got impatient with learning it. There are so many rules and variations of words that I do not understand, and I have no one to ask WHY. So I've been frustrated and busy. This will change though, because I really do want to learn it, I just have to figure out how to do it better. I think books in French would help.
Over the last week or two I've realized something critical. I am a crazy person. Funny I didn't realize it before, I know. I am quite aware that crazy things happen in my life... all the time. But, somehow I didn't connect the dots to myself. Avoidance I guess.
I came to this realization completely the other night as I drove back to Ohio from my 3 day stay at the beach for my brothers birthday. Ayyoub called me, and ended up telling me that he wouldn't be back on the Outer Banks until May. Which is sad, but I mean, not that far from March. However, then I started thinking about it. I was only around him for 5 days before we both left. 5 days. When I see him again in May it will have been 7-8 months since I'd last seen him. That's crazy. He and I are barely past the acquaintance stage, so there is nothing there. But dang. Who else retains a crush like this? No one. I realize it isn't May yet, but, I don't see things changing. But maybe they will.
The last guy I had a real crush on, I still love him- and it's been 4 years. See? I am a crazy person. It's funny to think about. He's married now with another child on the way, and I still talk to him alot. He is one of my closest friends afterall. It must be different to be "in-love" and not just "love". I love very easily and quickly- and I have yet to find it ever ceases. But, I have yet to be "in love", I assume it's different, though I'm not sure how. I guess it would change from love it inlove if the other person ever reciprocated. But that has yet to happen, so I guess we'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it, eh?
There was a guy here recently who asked for my number. He was cute. Unfortunately he had strikes against him, he already had 4 children, was 31 - never married. Then when he texted me that evening he asked for a picture of me in my pjs since that was what I was wearing at the time. All kinds of awkward. Dude. I am not that girl. I'm sorry I didn't warn you, but I am different. He hasn't talked to me since. What a world we live in.

So for now I'll continue my life- being there for my friends when they need me- which for the majority of them is the only time they call, going to work 6 days a week, working out at the gym, and continuing my French. Such is the extent of my life, with the occasional mind blowing read of a book that changes the course of my life, which happens fairly consistently once a year or so. :)

March is coming...

2013

Crazy how fast life goes. I think about people I met when I was 13-14 that I'm still friends with, and I have to realize that holy crap, I've known them for half my life, and it doesn't even feel like it was that long ago.
So I read my horoscope for this new year. Strangely accurate, I think.

"Libra
2013 brings you nothing short of a total rebirth, Libra. You can finally bid farewell to the heavy and austere presence of Saturn in your stars since late 2009. You have had enough lessons in love and commitment to last you a lifetime. Now you're ready to put those lessons to the test by pursuing your true calling and passion. No longer will you be satisfied with simply scratching the surface of life. You're prepared to go as deep as necessary to create something of lasting value. You want nothing less than the truth, and nothing short of profound meaning.
You'll be putting more attention and importance on finances than you have in a long time now that Saturn has moved on to your money zone. This is the year to finally work on a budget and devise sound economic strategies for increasing your income without working yourself to the bone. This is an excellent time to get out of debt as much as you possibly can so that you can save your pennies for the whirlwind of change on deck in 2013. The eclipses will rock your money sectors, so be prepared for sweeping gains and losses, and plan accordingly.
You'll continue to break out of any codependent relationship ruts with the ongoing influence of Pluto and Uranus sparring in the cosmos. You've certainly learned how important it is to value your authenticity and independence in all of your dealings with others. No longer will you fall prey to being too nice. You see how crucial it is to set your limits, draw your lines in the sand and commit without wavering. Saturn taught you to get off the fence and take a firm stand. This is how you gain respect. Your diplomacy and charm will always serve you well, but you realize now that they must be backed by the iron fist in the velvet glove.

Your love life is finally getting a much-needed rebirth after enduring the heavy hand of Saturn since late 2009. The law of karma brought many painful lessons home, and you're ready for a return to love. If you experienced crazy amounts of insecurity over the past year, you can also bid that farewell. Enough of the tears and heartbreak from giving too much to people who could not return your sweetness and light. Now that you're clear about boundaries and refuse to lose yourself in codependent patterns, you can get on with establishing the kind of relationship that is healthy instead of detrimental to your health.
The eclipse points of 2013 are asking you to own your value as a partner. If anyone knows how to bring beauty, balance and unparalleled harmony into a union, it's you, Libra. You're finally realizing how irreplaceable you are as a partner. Very few are as easygoing and lovely to be around. You take everything in stride and bring the peace back to any discord that arises in your relationship. How many have the patience and tolerance to do this? Know how precious this is in maintaining a strong partnership.
The ongoing influence of Uranus in your relationship zone is helping you break free of any clingy patterns in love. You have a tendency to be drawn to strong but selfish partners, and now it's time to own the selfish and assertive aspects of yourself so you can attract a different kind of relationship dynamic. In order to keep your scales balanced, you need a proper ratio of give and take. One-sided love affairs are no longer an option. You want a relationship with someone you can trust, and with whom you can build a solid and lasting foundation. You were born under the sign of marriage and companionship for a reason -- you're simply happier living life in tandem with another. If you're already hitched, you'll no longer tolerate being taken for granted on any scale. This is the year of renewal and realizing your value, and there is no better arena to put these lessons into practice than in love relationships."

So there's that. hahah
2 more months, that's it and then it's back to the beach I go. I can do it, right?!


I read this book recommended to me by a friend called "Anastasia" by Valdimer Megre. It's pretty interesting. I appreciate alot of what's said in it, but it is not complete truth. I think there is a huge measure of truth to it, but a core part of her character and her actions lacked a love that she claims. When you conceive a child with an already married man, you may have created something good- but at the cost of damage to him, and his wife. That is not pure love, that is selfish. Under no circumstances is that alright.  She claims enlightenment in a humble manner, granted, but even still just this one action proves that she is not as enlightened as she and he would like you to believe.
There is much good in the book though. A solid teaching of being connected to all the universe, the people on this planet, the plants, the animals. How a deeper connection is viable if we just step into that path. How no thought needs to be given to food/clothing/shelter because God provides in nature.
This is really good.


To all of you, I wish this year brings to you- joy, love, peace and most of all, hope. Hope is that thing that makes everything possible.