Let's start with the magic, because it's fun.
Yesterday, my friend Jen wanted to hang out. I don't know her very well, but she doesn't have any friends in the area so I adopted her. She decided she wanted to take the train down to Winter Park, so I gave her two options. She missed both of them. haha so we were an hour later than planned. When we walked across the street from the train station, I saw a familiar figure in the window of the art gallery. David- my glass artist guy was there. I had chosen to not go see him in St Pete the day before- and then ended up having to work anyhow, so it was a good thing I didn't go. He hadn't told me that he would be in town. If we had come at our scheduled time, we wouldn't have seen him. The irony and the paths we had to take to get to that moment. Blows my mind.
The anxiety, I opened a workbook that I bought, it's about healing your inner self, and I want to glean from it anything useful that I can find.
It starts with meditation practices. I did not do any of the breath work, but skipped ahead to the questions.
When you envision your future self:
How do you feel?
What are you doing?
What are you thinking?
Who are you spending time with?
Where and with whom are you living?
What are you most proud of?
What do you do to financially support yourself?
How do you feel in your relationships (romantic and otherwise)?
What selfcare routines do you have?
How do you typically spend your day?
These questions are not okay in my current frame of mind. I don't want to think about my future. #1, because I'm getting old. #2 because I don't want to envision a life with Heath because it'll mean I'll miss him too much in the present. #3 because I don't want to envision a life without Heath because he is the sun, and I crave the sun.
And yet, I got on another dating app Sunday to remind myself that there are still single people out there, and maybe, just maybe there would be one that would be interested in me.
I dreamt last night about love. I dreamt that Heath had married an old wealthy woman. I dreamt that I was starting a life with a guy whose name I don't even remember- he was a regular at the station. I was disappointed with Heath, but I was happy with that guy.
My heart.
