"It's in his kiss"

You know that old song
"Does he love me? I want to know
How can I tell if he loves me so?

(Is it in his eyes?)
Oh no, you'll be deceived
(Is it in his eyes?)
Oh no, he'll make believe

If you want to know
 If he loves you so
 Its in his kiss"

 

I didn't realize how it was true. Last night proved it. The words were saying one thing, and then the kiss said goodbye.

And I cried for the first time in a long time.

 

My experiment was a success in some ways and a failure in others.

I chose him, but he did not chose me. Always the pattern in my life. He acted at first like he had, but then changed his mind without necessarily realizing it, but I saw. I tried not to withdraw, this was my experiment, see how long I could hold out how much hurt I could handle and still be able to love despite. Is that masochistic? I wonder. It wasn't intended to be. It was supposed to be more of a measure of openness to love. It's easier to shut down and not let oneself be hurt, but what if? I wanted to explore the what if.  The what if hurts. A lot. I couldn't hold on to my magic. And then I was lost. So much pain from all angles of life. Where was my magic? The thing that kept it all at bay? Gone. Gone with the choice to experience the lows with the highs of the power of love. But the love that would have strengthened the magic wasn't there, I tried to find it, but it wasn't there and now I must find the magic I had before again.  

and so it goes

I was given the "It's not you, it's me" speech yesterday. It was paraphrased, luckily, but the effect is the same. It's really the shittiest feeling ever.  I always get this speech, "you're awesome, but..." that's great, I know. But, damn son. It gives one the feeling of not being enough. Not good enough, not interesting enough, just not enough to pull the sway of life away. Never mind that I would be willing to go to the ends of the earth for you. I'd move across the world, I'd live in poverty, I'd take care of you, but most of all I would love you through it all, no matter what, because- that is the sort of person I am. And that is not enough. What more do you want?  Or is that too much, you don't want that much so you go. If I give less than that- I'm cheating you out of what all there is in love. 

So now I have to keep on going. Where's my road less traveled? It's time to walk.

International

So, I'm in the midst of big things and am feeling lost.
I set up an appointment to talk to a lawyer about potentially filing bankruptcy... which I feel bad about, but, at this point of my life, I am just about to the point where I can't afford life anymore, and I don't want to get to the point where I miss payments and tank my credit.
I don't have the freedom to do anything because I have to pay bills all the time. Without food and gas, my monthly bills are somewhere around 2000, which is not unmanageable, but it's a lot when you're not bringing in that much or just that much.

Meh.

The boy is going to the Mediterranean for the next season. I'd like the option to move overseas should I chose to. But I don't know. I'm still as unsure as ever about this guy. It's mostly fine when we're together, but he doesn't try to know who I am at all and why. But it's more he doesn't know how to handle my insecurities. I don't have many, but I've been passed over so many times that I don't trust that you like me that much . And that's big.
I do things for the ones I love, remember things they like, physical touch is important to me, but mostly time- quality time spent together- that to me is the best. And I feel like he asked me out, then I made the rest happen. I want to be pursued, not just won and done.  I'm probably not giving him enough credit- he does like me. But how much, I don't know.

So I spent the day applying to different jobs at the Marriott hotels just in case I do choose to go international.
I've resumed French classes... we'll see where this goes.