date

 It's the end of the year, and things are drawing to a close. I agreed to go on a date today with someone else. He's already obsessed with me. So, I don't trust it at all, especially because he's not asking many questions, just talking about how he wants to touch me. He's not being creepy about it. Just infatuated. But he hasn't even met me yet. So we're meeting this afternoon.  

I don't want to. 

But I'm making myself do it. Because how else am I going to move on? How do I let go of a love that doesn't love me back the way I need?  I told him the other night that I missed him, that I wasn't sure if I should say anything or just leave it be. His response 3 hours later, (when I know he saw it immediately), was that he was sorry he's been sick. 

And nothing else. 

Grief spawns things. So, I know I can't just wait on him to love me. It's been 5 years. And he just takes me for granted, that I'll be there when he wants me. And I have been. Because that's what love does. But it's hurting me. So I have to change something. I haven't figured out how not to be hurt about it, so I'm going on this date.  Maybe someone else can love me like I need. Maybe I can forget about him. Because like it or not, if I think about the reality of it, he and I are not a good match as far as lifestyles go. He'd be so bored with me. 

season

 Well, I told him I can't keep doing this. He's back home and so doesn't talk to me again. This always happens when he's around his friends. He doesn't need me anymore.  I was actually surprised when I heard from him last week. It was just to get his rocks off, but yeah. Now that I've said what I've said, I doubt I'll hear from him before February. Maybe even March. 

I can't keep being made to feel as though I'm nothing. Granted, it's how I'm receiving it, so in part the fault lies with me. But, name one other relationship in the history of ever that goes a week without speaking (or more) who when the girl sends suggestive pictures, there's no response.  It seems to be indicative. This is not my fault. There's something wrong, and it's not right to continue to get my feelings hurt on a regular basis. 

Still in Georgia. I have no idea how anything is going to work out. My aunt is now talking about asking me to stay on through the summer, which is not something that I want to do. I just find community and money making potential to be slim here. And I'm so tired of being cold. 

aging

 The reflection in the mirror stares back. Where did all the wrinkles come from? Why are there wrinkles in places that shouldn't even have them? Attention shifts momentarily to the hair. Long strands of grey starting to become more and more visible. It's pointless now to pull them out. There's too many.  Dark circles under the eyes, and bags because sleep has been disrupted lately. Almost unrecognizable. This can't be me. Is this really what I look like?  The thought strikes hard and swift. It's no wonder he doesn't love me anymore. Why does anyone think I'll find someone else, when this is the reality?
Because who you are on the inside is what matters! The argument begins. It's easy say that, but when the reality of the mirror is facing you, and you know that he moved on, it feels like a moot point.  People have said that you are extraordinary, but you are the one living it, and it just feels normal to you. 
Turning away from the mirror, the harsh truth too much to wallow in, the argument continues. You have friends that love you. 
Yes, but he doesn't. He was the one I wanted to love me. His opinion was the one that mattered.
Everyone says you'll be better off. That you'll find someone new. 
Looking like the cryptkeeper? The internal self scoffs. I don't even recognize myself anymore. 
Why are you being so superficial? 
Because my love was not enough for him, so what else could it be? That's the only thing that has changed over the years. What is inside is not enough, apparently. So why would I even consider that anyone else would settle for that? 
The other side of the internal argument stops. Tears spring to the surface. It's just grief for what was. A new day is dawning, but it hasn't arrived yet. This grief exists in the moment, and mourns the loss of youth, of a past love, of the dreamer who believed in the power of love.