My coworker Todd is in his early 30's. He took a break from school, never to return. Instead he chooses to live a life full of bitterness and regrets for opportunities that have passed him by since he did not ever act on them.
This seems to be a thing for almost everyone I know. They feel incapable of doing the things that they would like to do, so settle for less. If you want it, make it happen. Move heaven and earth to rearrange for the life you want. If you aren't sure what you want, pick something. You can always change your mind. And chances are, because you started one thing, you'll be better prepared for achieving whatever it is you decide on. Therefore, no regrets.
For me, I want adventure. I want love. I want to make this world a better place for merely being in it. I have no grand ambition, but when I find those things that matter to me, I will do everything in my power to keep them and make them even better.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Compliments and frustrations
I have never been good at accepting compliments. I don't really know what to do with them. When I've made food- "Rebekkah, this is the best thing I've ever eaten." - "Yes, I know." :-p And then compliments on my appearance. "Gee, thanks." I just don't know what to do with them. I'm glad you like it, or like how I look, and I appreciate you telling me, it just somehow makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed. Maybe also I don't trust that it's genuine. I don't know. It feels pretty much the same as when Patrick would hit on me when he was drunk. Because he would never when he is sober, I couldn't believe him when he was drunk. This is probably also why I never date. They don't know who I am or why I am or how I am who I am, and they don't care... but they think I'm attractive. For me, I need to know who, why and how- my brain must line up with the rest of me.
I'm out of sorts today because of one of my children at work being a douche to me. Then my mom playing the mom card. I should be able to snap out of it, if I could just get out of my head and just be. It's so easy to get lost in scenarios, the past, and the future.
With my unicorn, some days there is a huge gap of 3000 miles and circumstances of different lives. Other days it's as though he's right beside me. Some days the things he doesn't say I will read between the lines and say for him. But other days, the things he doesn't say seem like an unreadable foreign language.
Words are what help me process. Words help me make pictures to help you experience my world. It's the only medium I know.
Time for work.
I'm out of sorts today because of one of my children at work being a douche to me. Then my mom playing the mom card. I should be able to snap out of it, if I could just get out of my head and just be. It's so easy to get lost in scenarios, the past, and the future.
With my unicorn, some days there is a huge gap of 3000 miles and circumstances of different lives. Other days it's as though he's right beside me. Some days the things he doesn't say I will read between the lines and say for him. But other days, the things he doesn't say seem like an unreadable foreign language.
Words are what help me process. Words help me make pictures to help you experience my world. It's the only medium I know.
Time for work.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
My heart skips a beat
That moment when my unicorn wakes up and texts me to say good morning, my breath catches and I can only smile. It's hard to stop talking to him at night, I only do because if I stay up any longer, i'll be useless the next day. There's a legit physical ache... of him being so far away. It's the weirdest awesome feeling I've never experienced before.
He's magic.
He's magic.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Tired and poetry
I am so very tired. The last several days have been rough as far as employees calling off, putting in their notices, being late... and all the phone calls and texts seem to happen between the hours of 10pm and 7am. I try really hard not to bring work home with me, but I can't seem to get away. :) I am really counting down until I don't have to be at work anymore. When can I quit? When can I run away on an adventure?
I don't know. I have no one to replace me at either job. Peppercorns could get by without me... but the other one, I have no idea what they'd do. Crash and burn for sure. And that isn't ego talking. I just know how fragile the balance is there, and how much I have to do to keep it heading in the right direction.
On another note, it's Jerusha's 17th birthday. Which blows my mind. She was such an angry baby, she didn't ever want to take a nap... she had to scream and cry herself to sleep way more than any of the other children. But some days I realized that all she really needed was a cuddle to sleep, so I'd pick her out of her crib, and let her lay down on my bed with me. She'd be asleep in minutes.
She was the first girl after the 3 boys, so we had so much fun dressing her... "she's not your baby doll" my dad would tell us sometimes after we'd changed her outfit yet again. :)
But now, she's super quiet, but can sing like an old black woman. She has yet to accept who she is and what she could be- still just awkward and finding herself. And I love her.
My unicorn inspires poetry out of me... there are just moments, especially lately that my spirit just soars. He seems to instinctively know the route to my heart. I have to remind myself every day that I don't know yet if it's real. It feels real, it sounds real, but until I see that face in person, my head will not believe what the soul sings. There are days that I'll imagine what meeting him will be like for the first time... what my reaction will end up being. Somehow every scenario only seems to picture me running to his arms. Maybe with a skip too. ;)
But mostly I can't wait for him to finally open up all the way and talk to me. He's getting there slowly, but I know the assurance of being face to face is required for the rest.
I told my parents about me going with him to Costa Rica. That was a fun conversation. My mom understood more than my dad. My mom however, is inclined to see only the good things in life, and not realize how very wrong things could go, how people are not always good. My dad's reaction was one of, "you need to watch the taken movies over and over again until you understand why this is a bad idea." The scenarios that go through his head involve serial killers, sex trafficking, and all kinds of horrible things.
His initial reaction was one of "he's going about this the wrong way". Sometimes my dad forgets what year it is, and how lots of people meet via the internet these day. How guys no longer ask permission of the dads in order to date their daughters. And he forgets sometimes how old I am. He doesn't understand why I've never had a boyfriend. The one down in Florida was as close as it came, but wasn't- and my dad never met him. He thinks it's easy, like picking a blade of grass. But it isn't. Yes, if all I wanted was someone that wanted me to sleep with, sure I could have at least 3 I can think of off hand, right now. But I don't. I never have. I want someone who thinks, who laughs, who loves, who is kind, who wants to be the best of himself. Someone who finds magic, who is not afraid to work hard....
Magic abounds in my life, despite it all. <3 p="">
I don't know. I have no one to replace me at either job. Peppercorns could get by without me... but the other one, I have no idea what they'd do. Crash and burn for sure. And that isn't ego talking. I just know how fragile the balance is there, and how much I have to do to keep it heading in the right direction.
On another note, it's Jerusha's 17th birthday. Which blows my mind. She was such an angry baby, she didn't ever want to take a nap... she had to scream and cry herself to sleep way more than any of the other children. But some days I realized that all she really needed was a cuddle to sleep, so I'd pick her out of her crib, and let her lay down on my bed with me. She'd be asleep in minutes.
She was the first girl after the 3 boys, so we had so much fun dressing her... "she's not your baby doll" my dad would tell us sometimes after we'd changed her outfit yet again. :)
But now, she's super quiet, but can sing like an old black woman. She has yet to accept who she is and what she could be- still just awkward and finding herself. And I love her.
My unicorn inspires poetry out of me... there are just moments, especially lately that my spirit just soars. He seems to instinctively know the route to my heart. I have to remind myself every day that I don't know yet if it's real. It feels real, it sounds real, but until I see that face in person, my head will not believe what the soul sings. There are days that I'll imagine what meeting him will be like for the first time... what my reaction will end up being. Somehow every scenario only seems to picture me running to his arms. Maybe with a skip too. ;)
But mostly I can't wait for him to finally open up all the way and talk to me. He's getting there slowly, but I know the assurance of being face to face is required for the rest.
I told my parents about me going with him to Costa Rica. That was a fun conversation. My mom understood more than my dad. My mom however, is inclined to see only the good things in life, and not realize how very wrong things could go, how people are not always good. My dad's reaction was one of, "you need to watch the taken movies over and over again until you understand why this is a bad idea." The scenarios that go through his head involve serial killers, sex trafficking, and all kinds of horrible things.
His initial reaction was one of "he's going about this the wrong way". Sometimes my dad forgets what year it is, and how lots of people meet via the internet these day. How guys no longer ask permission of the dads in order to date their daughters. And he forgets sometimes how old I am. He doesn't understand why I've never had a boyfriend. The one down in Florida was as close as it came, but wasn't- and my dad never met him. He thinks it's easy, like picking a blade of grass. But it isn't. Yes, if all I wanted was someone that wanted me to sleep with, sure I could have at least 3 I can think of off hand, right now. But I don't. I never have. I want someone who thinks, who laughs, who loves, who is kind, who wants to be the best of himself. Someone who finds magic, who is not afraid to work hard....
Magic abounds in my life, despite it all. <3 p="">
Monday, July 20, 2015
Vulnerablity
Sometimes when you leave yourself wide open just the wind brushing past feels sharp even if it's just the wind. That's how I'm feeling today. There was so much emotion yesterday, so much openness that I feel raw today.
One of my children, actually my favorite of my children- I adopted her first out of this group- she informed me today that she is leaving to go back to Ohio the end of August. Tears came to my eyes. I'm not one to cry easily, but 1. she's like my right hand man at both jobs. I can count on her. 2. She's my buddy, I'm probably closer to her than the rest of my children. 3. I'll have to find a replacement and that will be difficult- the year round employee pool is slim pickin's. 4. It means I'll have to work more and not make as much money. But I'm glad she's happy. She's going back to be with her boy, and that I completely understand.
I got home from work around 10:30 last night and my almost 17 year old sister came out of her room- So I talked to her- she'd been crying because there had been several days of silence between her and my dad. The children have a bad habit of not addressing situations when they occur with my dad- hoping that they will just blow over. They won't. You will always have to be the peacemaker. So I told her she needed to take care of it, of my experiences, - how I have the best relationship with my dad out of all of the kids. He's magic, but he's unstable sometimes. Not dangerously so, but emotionally. He gets hurt easily and writes you off easily to prevent that hurt from happening again. His reality to him is the right reality, and sometimes refuses to see through anyone elses reality. But over all, he really is awesome, the bad is just bad.
So things got fixed between them today. I may have instigated it. But, I cannot stand walls of contention. Actually I have a thing about walls period. :)
"I want you to want me" Cheap Trick is pretty much my theme song right now as far as my unicorn goes. But I don't know if he can right now. There's so much he doesn't say. He told me he doesn't want to promise what he cannot deliver on, which is good, I wouldn't want undeliverable promises. But, I leave myself wide open, and some days it hurts like today- so I just need reassurance on days like today, that it's worth it. I mean, I know it is, but sometimes there's a disconnect between what you feel and what you know.
Oh my unicorn. Sometimes you just say the most perfect things. And things right themselves in my world again.
One of my children, actually my favorite of my children- I adopted her first out of this group- she informed me today that she is leaving to go back to Ohio the end of August. Tears came to my eyes. I'm not one to cry easily, but 1. she's like my right hand man at both jobs. I can count on her. 2. She's my buddy, I'm probably closer to her than the rest of my children. 3. I'll have to find a replacement and that will be difficult- the year round employee pool is slim pickin's. 4. It means I'll have to work more and not make as much money. But I'm glad she's happy. She's going back to be with her boy, and that I completely understand.
I got home from work around 10:30 last night and my almost 17 year old sister came out of her room- So I talked to her- she'd been crying because there had been several days of silence between her and my dad. The children have a bad habit of not addressing situations when they occur with my dad- hoping that they will just blow over. They won't. You will always have to be the peacemaker. So I told her she needed to take care of it, of my experiences, - how I have the best relationship with my dad out of all of the kids. He's magic, but he's unstable sometimes. Not dangerously so, but emotionally. He gets hurt easily and writes you off easily to prevent that hurt from happening again. His reality to him is the right reality, and sometimes refuses to see through anyone elses reality. But over all, he really is awesome, the bad is just bad.
So things got fixed between them today. I may have instigated it. But, I cannot stand walls of contention. Actually I have a thing about walls period. :)
"I want you to want me" Cheap Trick is pretty much my theme song right now as far as my unicorn goes. But I don't know if he can right now. There's so much he doesn't say. He told me he doesn't want to promise what he cannot deliver on, which is good, I wouldn't want undeliverable promises. But, I leave myself wide open, and some days it hurts like today- so I just need reassurance on days like today, that it's worth it. I mean, I know it is, but sometimes there's a disconnect between what you feel and what you know.
Oh my unicorn. Sometimes you just say the most perfect things. And things right themselves in my world again.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Lessons in Patience
There is much going on in my life right now, but my unicorn has a way of invading my thoughts. I'll think of something he's said and I'll just be smiling to myself and people will ask why I'm smiling. "Oh nothing," I respond. They don't need to know.
I knew shortly in to communication that I really liked this guy. There was just that bit of magic. It's been 4 or 5 months of talking now, and damn. I am dying to see him in person, show him all of my magical spots around here- the clear starry nights up on the dunes.... the wind and sun and the waves. And mostly I really really just want to hug him- and see the magic that that will bring. We have this connection of the souls that has been lacking in my past, so I really can't wait to see what comes of it.
He does nothing without consideration though, carefully and thoroughly. He has just recently broken out of his more stoic nature and admitted that he likes me. Not in as many words, but it's there. The dear heart need not be afraid. I would hold his heart so carefully as long as he took my own with the same care, and I know he would. His experience has only made him fear being trampled on, so he is careful. But when he finally knows, finally can trust, it's going to be amazing. The wait is good, it forces me to be sure, to make certain that I am careful with his heart. To hold back when I know I should, and to say what's on my heart so that he realizes there is nothing to fear with me.
He is probably going to Costa Rica in the next little while, which is not in the direction I had planned for my next step. But such is the funny thing about life, it never goes according to plan. If he wanted me to, I would follow him in a heartbeat, and after an adventure there, maybe he'd like to travel the world with me. But, see, my reason for traveling the world is merely to experience life, to broaden my perspectives, to see what there is to see and to meet and experience different cultures. I am not bound to any place in particular, that's why I never set a time frame on my adventure. There was no end date. So now is the time I'm just waiting to see how the future unfolds.
Things down in Florida have gotten rushed to an end. My court date for the bankruptcy is Aug the 10th, so I'm going to fly down there the 9th-11th. My friend that I stayed with will probably be out of town, but she told me I could have her house and truck again, so that's amazing. It was so nice to sleep on my nice big bed again. I'll be spending my extra time down there cleaning out the apartment- I have nothing to bring back with me, just things to throw away ( the used furniture that I was given) and I have heard that the apartment is trashed- especially the couch. I'll have to figure out some people to enlist in helping me remove the big stuff out of there.
Things here are steadily the same. The drama of the children, things are pretty smooth though, but will be hectic upon my return from Florida because that is the same week that most of my children leave for college. I would like to do something with them all for a final hurrah- thanks for working here and doing a good job, but I'm not sure how to pull that off or what to do.
We'll see.
Pura Vida
I knew shortly in to communication that I really liked this guy. There was just that bit of magic. It's been 4 or 5 months of talking now, and damn. I am dying to see him in person, show him all of my magical spots around here- the clear starry nights up on the dunes.... the wind and sun and the waves. And mostly I really really just want to hug him- and see the magic that that will bring. We have this connection of the souls that has been lacking in my past, so I really can't wait to see what comes of it.
He does nothing without consideration though, carefully and thoroughly. He has just recently broken out of his more stoic nature and admitted that he likes me. Not in as many words, but it's there. The dear heart need not be afraid. I would hold his heart so carefully as long as he took my own with the same care, and I know he would. His experience has only made him fear being trampled on, so he is careful. But when he finally knows, finally can trust, it's going to be amazing. The wait is good, it forces me to be sure, to make certain that I am careful with his heart. To hold back when I know I should, and to say what's on my heart so that he realizes there is nothing to fear with me.
He is probably going to Costa Rica in the next little while, which is not in the direction I had planned for my next step. But such is the funny thing about life, it never goes according to plan. If he wanted me to, I would follow him in a heartbeat, and after an adventure there, maybe he'd like to travel the world with me. But, see, my reason for traveling the world is merely to experience life, to broaden my perspectives, to see what there is to see and to meet and experience different cultures. I am not bound to any place in particular, that's why I never set a time frame on my adventure. There was no end date. So now is the time I'm just waiting to see how the future unfolds.
Things down in Florida have gotten rushed to an end. My court date for the bankruptcy is Aug the 10th, so I'm going to fly down there the 9th-11th. My friend that I stayed with will probably be out of town, but she told me I could have her house and truck again, so that's amazing. It was so nice to sleep on my nice big bed again. I'll be spending my extra time down there cleaning out the apartment- I have nothing to bring back with me, just things to throw away ( the used furniture that I was given) and I have heard that the apartment is trashed- especially the couch. I'll have to figure out some people to enlist in helping me remove the big stuff out of there.
Things here are steadily the same. The drama of the children, things are pretty smooth though, but will be hectic upon my return from Florida because that is the same week that most of my children leave for college. I would like to do something with them all for a final hurrah- thanks for working here and doing a good job, but I'm not sure how to pull that off or what to do.
We'll see.
Pura Vida
Tuesday, July 07, 2015
Adventures Day 3
It's been so much fun. These past 3 weeks my afternoon off I've been spending photographing bits of my adventures to share with my unicorn. It's so nice to share the magic that I see all around me with someone else, plus it helps grab ahold of them and keep them as memories.
After I got home from work and lunch with friends this morning I spent the next hour or so talking talking to the parents. My dad hasn't been feeling well at all lately, and he just found out one of his lenses got ruined by the sudden downpour the other day when he got caught outside with two cameras to bring to safety.
I got calls from work, one of my kids got arrested and wasn't sure if he'd make it to work... crazy life of the kids from wanchese. Tried to solve that problem, but it took a few hours. We'll see what I walk into tomorrow.
I haven't had the time to hang out with the sisters lately, so I piled them in the car with me to bring along on my adventure. All I really wanted to do was sleep, but sleeping on the beach is more than acceptable. As it turned out, it was super windy and sleeping wasn't going to happen. I was covered in sand in minutes. So, we just swam for a bit. Pretending to be sharks, since everyone is hyper aware that they live in our oceans currently because there have been several bites the last few weeks.
It's so beautiful on Pea Island that we decided we'd dry off by walking around and exploring. We took lots of silly pictures. Jerusha needed water so we cut the adventure short and went back to town to get icecream, and water. :) Ran into more people we know at the icecream shop. Sometimes it's hard to go anywhere here without knowing someone- between all the places on this beach I've worked, and the fact that I have a celebrity brother or 3 and a father that everyone knows- I'm bound to see someone I know. :)
Just as we got home, my phone rang- it was a friend from Ohio just calling to tell me about his life. He's starting a brewery in our old town, and would love it if I would come back. No. Never going to happen. I'm off on my next adventure soon, I told him. He caught me up on the stories of old acquaintances of mine- and stories of his love life. There are very few people that I still keep in contact with after that chapter of my life. I was thinking today he and I used to be really good friends and could talk and be on the same page about things because we were experiencing similar things and had the same friends so everything clicked. Now there is a disconnect. It's those paths we all walk, together with certain people for a time and then someone takes a path that juts off in a different direction and they start to experience new things and people and they change. Granted, I'm the one that usually does the leaving. But I have learned that leaving is alright if done for the right reasons.
I read this article yesterday, and it's pretty much true for me. To Love a Girl Who Wanders
Anyway- my adventures have ended for the day and I am tired. Maybe I'll be able to watch some of the movie my unicorn has recommended before I fall asleep.
After I got home from work and lunch with friends this morning I spent the next hour or so talking talking to the parents. My dad hasn't been feeling well at all lately, and he just found out one of his lenses got ruined by the sudden downpour the other day when he got caught outside with two cameras to bring to safety.
I got calls from work, one of my kids got arrested and wasn't sure if he'd make it to work... crazy life of the kids from wanchese. Tried to solve that problem, but it took a few hours. We'll see what I walk into tomorrow.
I haven't had the time to hang out with the sisters lately, so I piled them in the car with me to bring along on my adventure. All I really wanted to do was sleep, but sleeping on the beach is more than acceptable. As it turned out, it was super windy and sleeping wasn't going to happen. I was covered in sand in minutes. So, we just swam for a bit. Pretending to be sharks, since everyone is hyper aware that they live in our oceans currently because there have been several bites the last few weeks.
It's so beautiful on Pea Island that we decided we'd dry off by walking around and exploring. We took lots of silly pictures. Jerusha needed water so we cut the adventure short and went back to town to get icecream, and water. :) Ran into more people we know at the icecream shop. Sometimes it's hard to go anywhere here without knowing someone- between all the places on this beach I've worked, and the fact that I have a celebrity brother or 3 and a father that everyone knows- I'm bound to see someone I know. :)
Just as we got home, my phone rang- it was a friend from Ohio just calling to tell me about his life. He's starting a brewery in our old town, and would love it if I would come back. No. Never going to happen. I'm off on my next adventure soon, I told him. He caught me up on the stories of old acquaintances of mine- and stories of his love life. There are very few people that I still keep in contact with after that chapter of my life. I was thinking today he and I used to be really good friends and could talk and be on the same page about things because we were experiencing similar things and had the same friends so everything clicked. Now there is a disconnect. It's those paths we all walk, together with certain people for a time and then someone takes a path that juts off in a different direction and they start to experience new things and people and they change. Granted, I'm the one that usually does the leaving. But I have learned that leaving is alright if done for the right reasons.
I read this article yesterday, and it's pretty much true for me. To Love a Girl Who Wanders
Anyway- my adventures have ended for the day and I am tired. Maybe I'll be able to watch some of the movie my unicorn has recommended before I fall asleep.
Sunday, July 05, 2015
Tests and Patience
When I was a kid in school, unless it was geography or history, I cared little for it. I would study enough to get by and so long as I got a B (sometimes a C) I was okay with it. The point was always to get to the tests so that the next step could be achieved, and if it was taking too long to get to the next step, skipping ahead to peak at the tests- look to see what you don't know and go back study that part and then take the test for real. Or, just BS through the test completely and hope for the best.
The funny thing about life, it has a habit of repeating. Waiting to do something has never been a strong suit of mine. Let's just do it, and see what happens. Actually that's not entirely true. I waited for a certain thing until I was almost 29. But that was because the alternative was not right, and I value what is right. But in most cases, my response is, "let's try it and see!" because you hold yourself back for fear of what could happen. What could happen is not important. What is happening in the moment is. The moment is all that we have, our futures are unwritten. Paths cross for moments in time before the forces of the universe pull their paths in different directions. Only certain ones can walk the same paths at the same time. But it's like real life walking down a path, you don't exist in the exact same time and space as the other person you're walking with. The way might be narrow, so one is in front -the other behind. Or the way is wide and you can hold one anothers hand. But then one trips, but the other is there still holding your hand and you can laugh about the path tripping you.
I might take some time to make decisions, to feel out which way the universe seems to say go, or stay or do. But when I know, and I decide- then the waiting is over and I want to comply and go and do.
It's already July. Crazy. I'll be 30 in almost exactly 3 months. And then embark on my journey 6 weeks later. The more I think about it, the more I want to go, but I don't know if I have everything I'll need. I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea how everything will work out. I know that it will, but I have no idea how. But, right now? I have everything I need right now. A family who loves me, a bed to sleep in, jobs that need me, a dose of magic in my life from across the country. And now I wait for life to continue unfolding.
The funny thing about life, it has a habit of repeating. Waiting to do something has never been a strong suit of mine. Let's just do it, and see what happens. Actually that's not entirely true. I waited for a certain thing until I was almost 29. But that was because the alternative was not right, and I value what is right. But in most cases, my response is, "let's try it and see!" because you hold yourself back for fear of what could happen. What could happen is not important. What is happening in the moment is. The moment is all that we have, our futures are unwritten. Paths cross for moments in time before the forces of the universe pull their paths in different directions. Only certain ones can walk the same paths at the same time. But it's like real life walking down a path, you don't exist in the exact same time and space as the other person you're walking with. The way might be narrow, so one is in front -the other behind. Or the way is wide and you can hold one anothers hand. But then one trips, but the other is there still holding your hand and you can laugh about the path tripping you.
I might take some time to make decisions, to feel out which way the universe seems to say go, or stay or do. But when I know, and I decide- then the waiting is over and I want to comply and go and do.
It's already July. Crazy. I'll be 30 in almost exactly 3 months. And then embark on my journey 6 weeks later. The more I think about it, the more I want to go, but I don't know if I have everything I'll need. I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea how everything will work out. I know that it will, but I have no idea how. But, right now? I have everything I need right now. A family who loves me, a bed to sleep in, jobs that need me, a dose of magic in my life from across the country. And now I wait for life to continue unfolding.
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