irony of coincidences

 My life is the weirdest. Just the absolute weirdest. 

For some reason I clicked on a name on the facebook people you may know. Pieter Van Winkle, maybe he just had a face that my soul recognized, I don't know.  But as I explored his page I realized that he was like me, only in man form. A life coach, a person desirous of an authentic life, someone in tune with their own soul. My heart was refreshed. I sent him a message asking if we could be friends, to which he kindly agreed. 

Today I clicked on another one- and the same thing! It's as though the universe is shouting at me- you are not alone. Men think about these things too. 

My friend Tiffany is here for a week. We have been friends since we were 12, which is crazy, but had never met in person, which is crazier.  But! It's been fun.  I had told her about this kid I met at walmart who was basically harassing me to go out with him, even though I told him no, and continued to tell him no. She'd seen a picture of him and was interested in him herself. As we walked along the lakefront, who walked past us? He did. What are the odds. I don't even know. However, I do know that this is the magic that is my life. It's insanity. 

dreams

 As I dreamt my heart sank, I was aware that once again Heath was playing a significant role in this dream. Why does he still haunt my dreams? I haven't spoken with him in more than a month, maybe even two now. 

The dream story was one that I tried to hold on to, when I woke up. Wanting to write it down, or continue it further in dream state.  I successfully dreamt more, but things changed. 

The storyline of the initial dream was Heath and I exploring a cavern river. There were alligators in the water, but they weren't much concerned with us. We got separated, and an alarm sounded. I hurried up to where he was, but the walls had changed, there was a small window to see into the next area, but I was too big to fit through that narrow opening. I went back to the entrance to find help. The river was now no longer there, just a muddy bottom floor. I met some other people- a mom and her son looking for the dad. Their story was that they had been coming here every week for the past year- because last year he had disappeared in the caverns as well when the walls changed.  We decided to help eachother find our lost people. 

As we went back down the dried up river corridor again to where I lost Heath, there was a creature hanging from the ceiling. "Give me 10 dollars" it said, "and I'll tell you how to find him."  We all scrounged through our pockets looking for cash. We found a $10 bill and I reached up and it grabbed it in it's mouth and ate it.  "You are looking for the King. The Prince has been found to replace him. They must fight to the death. You may fight in their stead if you wish them to leave." Through the window I glimpsed a man, and I knew immediately that this was the dad and the King. 

The story line got a bit trippy after this,  it turned out that the son/dad had somehow freaky friday'd it, so the "son" was able to guide us through the cavern that's walls changed, and around the weird beasts that he'd become king over during his year in this cave. 

Heath was no longer really part of the story, he'd disappeared. He was still the Prince, and would become King when we freed the son/dad. 

I woke up before the story ended. 

sometimes

 Sometimes when it gets late and you're still awake, you find yourself thinking, and then not only thinking but then tears start streaming down your face.  And the question that you keep asking yourself is "Am I just nothing to them?"

My emotions have been a mess lately. I'm writing a novel that includes a love story, a negative and a positive, and because of that I've been thinking about my own love life to draw from. We all know what a disaster that's been. 

I waited a long time for my first. I was 28, he was my best friend and I was in love with him. I thought he was magic. But he wasn't nearly as into me as I was into him, and I knew that- there were always walls. A few months later, he found the one he's now married to.  He wanted me to be friends with her. He told her that he and I were just friends that there was nothing more. When she found out that there was more he called me one last time, angry at me that I had told our best friends that there was something going on with us in the months prior. I hadn't known that it was a secret. We have not spoken since. 3 years of friendship and more gone in a blink of an eye. 

My second relationship was over in 8 weeks, he said he wanted something long term, but just not with me. He was in a relationship with someone else a few weeks later, and they are engaged to be married. 

The third killed my soul, because it seemed fore ordained. There were so many coincidences in how we met, in how we started talking, in how we lived in the same place. So many things. He too was my best friend before we started anything. We talked about everything. He knew all there was to know about who I was and how I came to be that way. And then one day the switch got flipped. We tried to remain friends, but within a year that too had been shut off. He said some things, wouldn't let me respond and  shut me out completely.  He was supposed to be my best friend. 

The fourth was 5 years later. He was my best friend. He knew about everything that had broken me before. He knew all my hopes and dreams. He knew how I would respond even before I was given the chance. I was there for him in his ups and downs, every time he'd call- I'd be there. He came to me for comfort after bad break ups, things with his family, things with work. I was the steady person that he could count on.  Then he decided to take a chance on us.  Only to have that blow up in my face and our years of friendship gone in a blink of an eye again. 

How can I have such deep connections but for them to not think twice about never speaking to me again?  Am I just nothing to them?  How can that be?  When you share your soul with another human, allow them to see that deeply into you and vice versa- how can you just throw that away like garbage?
Why did they all find their happily ever after while they were with me?
Why am I nothing?