So as the maid of honor in my sisters' wedding- I legit have no idea what I'm going to say for the speech.
It's so easy to come up with things for my friends, but for my sister?! Where do you start? I haven't the slightest.
I just don't know. Things are winding up to the conclusion of the weekend with the wedding on Sunday. The friends and relatives start arriving tomorrow. That'll be fun. I can't wait to see my brothers that have been in Seattle. I miss them.
Got my book today to tell me how to do the coast to coast walk. So that's exciting.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Sunday, May 22, 2016
lack of bravery
As I tried to go to sleep last night, my mind wouldn't calm. I wanted to text him and ask him to call me, so that he would calm me down. But, you know how I said yesterday that I have the opposite emotions/reactions of the people around me? Not with him. I mirror his. To an extent. But, he was having a bad day yesterday, I could tell, so my mind was out of control.
Everyone is like "you're so brave! Going across the world by yourself, I couldn't do it!"
Goddamnit. I'm scared. I doing it anyhow. And I really want a hug and to be told that everything will be ok. But, instead everyone is fearing for my safety.
My head knows I'll be fine, but there's a bit of panic there too. The holy shit, what am I getting myself into, thought.
But to everyone I have to portray the "No worries, everything will be fine." Because they need the reassurance.
Where's that trust? Eh, off to the side. It's there, still visible. So why do I feel the need for reassurance?
sigh
Everyone is like "you're so brave! Going across the world by yourself, I couldn't do it!"
Goddamnit. I'm scared. I doing it anyhow. And I really want a hug and to be told that everything will be ok. But, instead everyone is fearing for my safety.
My head knows I'll be fine, but there's a bit of panic there too. The holy shit, what am I getting myself into, thought.
But to everyone I have to portray the "No worries, everything will be fine." Because they need the reassurance.
Where's that trust? Eh, off to the side. It's there, still visible. So why do I feel the need for reassurance?
sigh
Saturday, May 21, 2016
and the next week
Emotions sorta spiraled out of control. The adrenaline of leaving, seeing people, everything, sorta crashed as I got to Eve's. It didn't help that I had massive back pain the whole time. I must've kinked my back while driving, by the time I got to her house it had gotten so bad that it was hard for me to sit at all without being in excruciating pain.- and it lasted several days. I was trying to sort through the emotions of seeing the boy, being back in our home town- but without him. It was just a lot to handle.
Even now I'm still trying to regain my equilibrium. I'm not sure where center is. Need to find the not too much, not too little area.
If I think about leaving the country, which I am set to do in like 2 weeks... I start freaking out. What the hell am I thinking, how is it going to work? But driving through the heartland full of people- that are just working to survive. I am defying social norms, and setting out. It sounds cool and rebellious. But it's scary as shit.
I know I'm am supposed to go. And it's going to be great.
I can't even write out the rest of my issue with going- that's how ridiculous it is. Time .... it's a tricky bugger. Along with it's cousin, Serendipity. Between the two of them, they've made my life so topsy turvvy.
Discovering that in my chameleon-like nature I tend to adapt my moods/reactions to be the opposite of those around me to provide balance. Not all the time, but especially if it's regarding something I deem important. Sigh. Why can't I just be perfect? :-p
Even now I'm still trying to regain my equilibrium. I'm not sure where center is. Need to find the not too much, not too little area.
If I think about leaving the country, which I am set to do in like 2 weeks... I start freaking out. What the hell am I thinking, how is it going to work? But driving through the heartland full of people- that are just working to survive. I am defying social norms, and setting out. It sounds cool and rebellious. But it's scary as shit.
I know I'm am supposed to go. And it's going to be great.
I can't even write out the rest of my issue with going- that's how ridiculous it is. Time .... it's a tricky bugger. Along with it's cousin, Serendipity. Between the two of them, they've made my life so topsy turvvy.
Discovering that in my chameleon-like nature I tend to adapt my moods/reactions to be the opposite of those around me to provide balance. Not all the time, but especially if it's regarding something I deem important. Sigh. Why can't I just be perfect? :-p
Monday, May 16, 2016
Sunday
It really was a wonderful day. There was so much excitement that I was there at the church, there was so much love. I swear the pastor hugged me like 4 times. "It's so nice to see your smiling face!"
I wasn't able to talk to him as deeply as I wanted to. I wanted to tell him all about this journey of trust I've been on. But, I made him promise to save time for me when I'm back on the 5th.
Going to the care center was the most heart wrenching thing ever. They remembered me. They missed me, they asked where I'd been. I was only around them for like 8 weeks, and then gone for 4 months. I don't know how. Am I that memorable? This one old man who never came to church in the care center, but I would always say hi to, he wouldn't let go of my hand. And gave me a couple hugs from his wheel chair, and told me he loved me, and to not stay gone. He missed me. The thing is, he has almost no brain left, and he remembered me. He lit up when he saw me. I just wanted to cry. It was so crazy.
Bob of course asked me to marry him like he always did. Tammy asked about Micah, so I showed her pictures of Caleb. They remember so much more than we ever gave them credit for. Teresa was in way worse shape than the last time I'd seen her, she's wearing a helmet now. So sad.
I finally said goodbye to everyone, promising to see them all in 3 weeks. And I hit the road for Eve's house. It's a little over 4 hours away, but an absolutely stunning drive. So epic. If I was homesteading, I would choose to live out there. It's 50 miles from everything, but so absolutely breathtaking.
Seeing Micah, and then going back to our home was a bit rough. I'm still reeling. Just because it would be so easy to resume where we left off. I just want to talk to him all the time, I want to tell him everything. But I can't. It's too much right now. So I step back again. Into thy hands I commend my spirit.
I wasn't able to talk to him as deeply as I wanted to. I wanted to tell him all about this journey of trust I've been on. But, I made him promise to save time for me when I'm back on the 5th.
Going to the care center was the most heart wrenching thing ever. They remembered me. They missed me, they asked where I'd been. I was only around them for like 8 weeks, and then gone for 4 months. I don't know how. Am I that memorable? This one old man who never came to church in the care center, but I would always say hi to, he wouldn't let go of my hand. And gave me a couple hugs from his wheel chair, and told me he loved me, and to not stay gone. He missed me. The thing is, he has almost no brain left, and he remembered me. He lit up when he saw me. I just wanted to cry. It was so crazy.
Bob of course asked me to marry him like he always did. Tammy asked about Micah, so I showed her pictures of Caleb. They remember so much more than we ever gave them credit for. Teresa was in way worse shape than the last time I'd seen her, she's wearing a helmet now. So sad.
I finally said goodbye to everyone, promising to see them all in 3 weeks. And I hit the road for Eve's house. It's a little over 4 hours away, but an absolutely stunning drive. So epic. If I was homesteading, I would choose to live out there. It's 50 miles from everything, but so absolutely breathtaking.
Seeing Micah, and then going back to our home was a bit rough. I'm still reeling. Just because it would be so easy to resume where we left off. I just want to talk to him all the time, I want to tell him everything. But I can't. It's too much right now. So I step back again. Into thy hands I commend my spirit.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
random notes on my adventures
So while I was in Florida I met up with Jamie Luke, he's an older English gentleman. I met him a couple years ago when I worked at the bagel place. Anyway, we've stayed in contact over the years, he'll actually be back in England when I'm there, and hopes to meet up. Well! He told Jennifer and I as we ate lunch with him on Monday, that he has no heirs, and if that stays the same, he's going to leave his stuff to us. How weird is that? It boggles the mind.
As I drove through the western panhandle of texas, I stopped at a gas station. I was cleaning the bugs off my windshield as a truck pulled up next to me. I thought nothing of it, really, until later down the road when that same truck passed me. In the hours that passed, we played leap frog, until we got to the split off where I-25 goes north. I went north, and he continued on into Renton NM. So I said to myself, guess that's where he was headed. Probably 20 minutes later, I see him fly around the curve behind me, and pass me. I laughed. Well, not much longer he decides to give me his phone number by writing it on paper and putting it in the window. I text him. We text for the next 2 hours, he's headed to Colorado Springs on a whim from south west texas. He asks me to let him buy me dinner, just for the company. I hesitate, but then I agree. It's a great story. Dinner with a stranger, not a date, just asking for company, so I agreed. He's young, early 20's, an industrial electrician- hoping to get sent up to Alaska for a job that makes $68 dollars an hour, plus $200 a day stipend for room and board. Sounds like a pretty nice job. We enjoy our dinner and head off our separate ways.
I go to worship practice Saturday morning at the church. The surprise, the delight, and the love was overwhelming. Marv asked me to say a few words at the care center when we go a little later on today. Everyone asked about Micah. They miss him and love him so much, it's endearing. Gary pulled me aside. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "No, of course not." "Are you still in love?" "Oh, 100%. I can't seem to stop." he nods happily. "But now is not the time for it, and I can't focus on it. We have to do life apart right now." He nods again understandingly, but you can tell he's just delighted. I sigh inside. Oh well.
As I drove through the western panhandle of texas, I stopped at a gas station. I was cleaning the bugs off my windshield as a truck pulled up next to me. I thought nothing of it, really, until later down the road when that same truck passed me. In the hours that passed, we played leap frog, until we got to the split off where I-25 goes north. I went north, and he continued on into Renton NM. So I said to myself, guess that's where he was headed. Probably 20 minutes later, I see him fly around the curve behind me, and pass me. I laughed. Well, not much longer he decides to give me his phone number by writing it on paper and putting it in the window. I text him. We text for the next 2 hours, he's headed to Colorado Springs on a whim from south west texas. He asks me to let him buy me dinner, just for the company. I hesitate, but then I agree. It's a great story. Dinner with a stranger, not a date, just asking for company, so I agreed. He's young, early 20's, an industrial electrician- hoping to get sent up to Alaska for a job that makes $68 dollars an hour, plus $200 a day stipend for room and board. Sounds like a pretty nice job. We enjoy our dinner and head off our separate ways.
I go to worship practice Saturday morning at the church. The surprise, the delight, and the love was overwhelming. Marv asked me to say a few words at the care center when we go a little later on today. Everyone asked about Micah. They miss him and love him so much, it's endearing. Gary pulled me aside. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "No, of course not." "Are you still in love?" "Oh, 100%. I can't seem to stop." he nods happily. "But now is not the time for it, and I can't focus on it. We have to do life apart right now." He nods again understandingly, but you can tell he's just delighted. I sigh inside. Oh well.
Adventures
So I haven't said anything in a while, but that's because I've been adventuring. Last week I retired temporarily again, and left for Florida to try to get my car title. It didn't pan out. I was unable to get it, so that means it was a waste of a trip. However! I got to see almost all of my best friends down there, from the police officers and firefighters to Lauren and CJ- and all others in between.
Probably the most memorable conversation was with Heather. I had worked with her for probably 4 months at Deerfield café, I'm not usually friends with the people I work with, but before I moved away, she asked if I'd get coffee with her- so we exchanged life stories. We've kept in infrequent contact since then, but she noticed I was in town and asked if we could meet up. She caught me up on her life, and I found out more about her. She's lived a really rough life, and her view of the world really reminds me of Micah's. "Life is shit." haha And they have good reasons for feeling the way they do. I don't know how I draw the people in my life that I do.
This need of mine to be needed, how do I fix that? Because that's how I adopt the people in my life that I do. They need me, I try to help them fix themselves, I show them my life and my views and the magic I possess. I don't know.
After I left florida, I made the 17 hour drive to Micah's new apartment in Texas. We'd done pretty well at not talking for a month. But the 2 days previous we had had 2, 15 minute phone conversations. As I drove scenarios would play in my head about what it would be like to see him again, but then I would stop myself. I couldn't project because I didn't want to be disappointed and I had no idea what to expect. A month of not talking = a month of change that you're not privy to.
But as I got there, and got hugged, worries were gone, and I was home again. Damnitalltohell. Things were normal. He caught me up on most of the massive changes in his life. His son is changing him and growing him like nothing else. It's so awesome to see the man he is becoming.
This was a hands-off reunion besides the couple of hugs. I slept on the futon that night. When I woke up the next morning, I had a hard time holding back the tears. Why do I always have to drive away from this boy? It kills me.
Now I am here in Colorado- in the town where we lived. Hanging out with our friends. And I miss him. It's hard to be here without him.
I was walking down the street- the same street I was walking down the day I moved here. I hadn't seen him yet. He called me, he was walking down the same street, but staying out of sight and laughing about his ninja skills. When all of a sudden I saw him, and it was so funny, and he was so in love with me. And everything was right in the world. And God damn, as I walked down the street again yesterday, it replayed in my mind, and I couldn't hold back the tears. I miss him so.
I know that where we are now, and what we're doing with our lives is what needs to happen. I have no regrets, every step has been important. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. But life goes on.
Probably the most memorable conversation was with Heather. I had worked with her for probably 4 months at Deerfield café, I'm not usually friends with the people I work with, but before I moved away, she asked if I'd get coffee with her- so we exchanged life stories. We've kept in infrequent contact since then, but she noticed I was in town and asked if we could meet up. She caught me up on her life, and I found out more about her. She's lived a really rough life, and her view of the world really reminds me of Micah's. "Life is shit." haha And they have good reasons for feeling the way they do. I don't know how I draw the people in my life that I do.
This need of mine to be needed, how do I fix that? Because that's how I adopt the people in my life that I do. They need me, I try to help them fix themselves, I show them my life and my views and the magic I possess. I don't know.
After I left florida, I made the 17 hour drive to Micah's new apartment in Texas. We'd done pretty well at not talking for a month. But the 2 days previous we had had 2, 15 minute phone conversations. As I drove scenarios would play in my head about what it would be like to see him again, but then I would stop myself. I couldn't project because I didn't want to be disappointed and I had no idea what to expect. A month of not talking = a month of change that you're not privy to.
But as I got there, and got hugged, worries were gone, and I was home again. Damnitalltohell. Things were normal. He caught me up on most of the massive changes in his life. His son is changing him and growing him like nothing else. It's so awesome to see the man he is becoming.
This was a hands-off reunion besides the couple of hugs. I slept on the futon that night. When I woke up the next morning, I had a hard time holding back the tears. Why do I always have to drive away from this boy? It kills me.
Now I am here in Colorado- in the town where we lived. Hanging out with our friends. And I miss him. It's hard to be here without him.
I was walking down the street- the same street I was walking down the day I moved here. I hadn't seen him yet. He called me, he was walking down the same street, but staying out of sight and laughing about his ninja skills. When all of a sudden I saw him, and it was so funny, and he was so in love with me. And everything was right in the world. And God damn, as I walked down the street again yesterday, it replayed in my mind, and I couldn't hold back the tears. I miss him so.
I know that where we are now, and what we're doing with our lives is what needs to happen. I have no regrets, every step has been important. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. But life goes on.
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