whining

I feel like that's pretty much all I use this blog for. To whine about how relationships aren't going the way I want. To vent my frustrations.
There's so much more to my life though.
Eve is moving out of my house this weekend/beginning of next week. She should be out by the time I get home on Tuesday. Which, is a little sad and a little happy. I'm glad to to able to use my house as much as I want, I'll be able to eat when and if I want and not worry about what they're eating. My electric and water bills will go down.  I'll be able to wear just my underwear to bed if I want. 
But, I won't have anyone to talk to, and I won't have a baby to cuddle with. So that's sad.

I still talk to Brent every single day. I can't even tell you how much of a difference that makes to my life. We are so not alike in so many ways, but just to have him there to talk to, so say hi. I have him to laugh with.
With Micah being out of the picture- I've felt so lost. I had discovered what it was like to have a best friend that you could talk to and laugh with- to feel at home with. Now, I don't have all that exactly with Brent, because we don't see eye-to-eye about certain things, but it's enough that that hole, that ache can be assuaged- at least for a little while.
But then I dream, I dream of him and the ache returns in full force. All I can do is pray for him, but I'm at the point now I don't even know what to pray. And part of me just says enough is enough, stop thinking about him- and the other part says that I got to have hope.  But I don't even know what to hope for.
Hope for him to finally embrace his destiny? Hope for him to get his head on straight? Hope for him to realize that love wins?  I cannot see us ever being together again. But that breaks my heart too, because of the knowledge of what we had started and how great that could have been.  And the fact that I really can't see myself with anyone else ever again.  I try because I don't want anyone to say that I am not trying. But I can't. I just can't. Body, Soul and Spirit have to connect and if I only have one, I just can't.

Life returns to normal in a couple days, and frankly, I can't wait. But, I'm also still at a loss for what to do now. Wait and see.

georgia

So I'm here at my aunts place- bored. Been watching too much tv. But don't know what else to do. motivation is hard. There are days I only speak a dozen words.  I could go hiking, but I didn't want to do all the hikes the first week. Obviously there's more than that, but, going to see too many waterfalls in a short period of time leaves you a bit... numb to their beauty. 
Nice days I go spend the mornings back on the lake- sitting on the beach or on a floaty in the water. It's not a bad life.  It's just pretty sucky being alone and not doing anything. Not having anyone to talk to. I am not created to be a hermit.
I have 9 more days.
I did go on tindr to see if I could find anyone to hang out with- I mean, just having someone to go out on hikes with, would have been a nice thing. But, that didn't really pan out. There was a couple that were interested, but not really- and then one that was- I did end up driving the hour and 45 minutes to meet him, but that was a bust. He was nice, but not confident at all in who he was. And short. So- that was a bummer.
Which brings me to my current rant. Why are guys not man enough to express interest? If you're interested- be goddamm interested!
I had a friend that I've known for 11 years or so, tell me that he's always wanted me. We lived near by, sorta, for a few years, and since have lived really far apart. We have close to nothing in common but a good sense of humor.  So, I have never seen it being a thing to pursue, and, he's never really made any steps in that direction besides hinting.  I need a man to want me. To pursue me to the ends of the earth. But, a man such as that does not exist, I fear.
How does everyone else have someone made for them, yet mine just say no. Not you. Not this lifetime. How am I 33 almost - I've got 9ish more years before menopause- and then apparently everything isn't fun anymore. I have fire in my veins and a heart brimming over with love to give- but no one wants it, (just the good time roll in the hay) and I'm about to be old.  It's just sad. Oh well.