Perfection

I can't even begin to describe how completely amazing yesterday was. Thanksgiving day, away from all family. It didn't really feel like Thanksgiving, but it was pretty awesome.
Micah came to pick me up around 10:30, I asked him if we could go find some winter foliage or something so we at least had something to bring to Thanksgiving dinner at his friends house.  We ended up going for a hike out to find a waterfall that he'd heard of, but had never been to see. It was probably about 2 miles up a mountain. In town, we're already almost at 10,000 feet above sea level, so climbing a mountain on top of that... I was huffing and puffing. I had to stop to breathe several times on the way up, and he was so kind about stopping.  It was literally a winter wonderland up on the mountain. Turning off all your senses but your hearing- it was totally silent. When we got close enough, we could hear the waterfall in the distance. It was magical.  On the way back down, I made us stop at a meadow, the woods we were tramping through behind us, the meadow and another mountain just across. It just made me want to sing. So I did. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly host, praise father son and holy ghost" It's an outlet for me to appreciate the wonder I was beholding.
Micah and I laughed and talked- he played in the snow/ice sliding down the trail. I think he appreciated it as completely as me. We had so much fun. We didn't even end up getting a winter bouquet. I really didn't see anything that would work super well. Oh well.
We returned to his tiny house, and spent a little time inside his friends house trying to help finish cooking. But, it was a little stressful for us both, I think. There are a lot of personalities in there.  We returned to his friends house in time for me to cut the turkey, while he did the ham. We ate with everyone, and then did the dishes- at least I could help with that! I felt so bad not contributing anything to dinner. I always make thanksgiving dinner, I have for years, so it was just weird.
Later, we discovered that our hostess was having a meltdown- she's had a rough life. So we went in to help her right herself in her mind.
Just watching Micah, the words he would say to help, and the distractions he caused to make her forget her pain... It's very revealing the type of person he really and truly is. He roughhoused with the kids in the house, causing so much laughter. It was so completely endearing.
We finally made it back to my hotel room- and just lay on the bed talking. Those have been my favorite moments. It's just us, and we talk, completely and openly about everything, we laugh- we flirt a little. But mostly just thoroughly enjoy eachothers company. It's a beautiful thing.  Thankful beyond words.

I'm off to see about furthering my job hunt.

Parachutes

I had a retardedly bad nights sleep last night. Stress dreams, irregular sleeping patterns. When I woke up, I sat down between the beds and tried to get my head on straight. The boy woke up, and noticed I was there. So we started talking. My stress and his stress turned into a decision by him that we needed to take a step back. Which while it wasn't, it felt like rejection. So I cried. And he saw the fragile side of me, which freaked him out a bit. I pretend so well. I told him it was there, but he didn't believe me, I think. I was feeling lost, I left everything in Seattle- to be with the one I had decided to love, and then, he was like, let's go back to being best friends. You can see why that would  throw me for a loop. I have no job, no place to live. What am I doing?!
Well, as it turns out- I just needed to process. I'm in no hurry to rush this along either. This whole falling for him has been a really recent development, so slow and steady is fine with me. I know that I was supposed to come here, the signs were obvious, so I swallowed the manufactured pain.
The rest of the day was spent with him in companionable friendship- with the knowledge of the mutual budding love between us. I went to his church with him for their thanksgiving service tonight. His friends were very welcoming, and I had such fun singing with them. They've invited me to join them to sing again on Saturday, which I've agreed to, with the exception- if I've gotten a job by then. We'll see.

I think I'll sleep really well tonight. I need it. Flying by the seat of your pants takes a lot out of you, lemme tell ya!

And so the spinning wheel goes

I have arrived to my destination- Cripple Creek Colorado. This adventure is the craziest yet, but promises to be the most epic.

I'm laying here on my king sized bed in a casino hotel, contemplating this past week and waiting on a call back from a casino restaurant about a job. We'll see what happens with that. I have a lot of paperwork to fill out, but I have what I think is an altitude headache and sleep deprivation. This happened the last time I was in Colorado also. I have this room until Thursday, which is a super inconvenient day to not have a place to stay- it being thanksgiving day. However, I'm not too concerned about it, either something will come up, or it won't. I have a car and lots of blankets. ;) But I doubt it will come to that.

So, down to the reason I am here.


So when I left North Carolina, I stopped  in Ohio, and then I slowly made my way across the Midwestern states- pausing in Kansas for a day and then off to Colorado. I had to kill a day in Colorado also, so I went sightseeing. But the thing with sightseeing when you’re by yourself, it takes literally no time at all. Hahah.
Yay cliff dwellings, yay garden of the gods… okay, now what?!

 So I went up to Manitou Springs – found a place to park and decided to walk around all the little tourist shops in the area. As I walked, I saw this guy sitting on a ledge wall, reading with a guitar next to him. He smiled at me in a friendly fashion as I walked past. I had this feeling that I should talk to him, but at the same time I’m thinking- ‘dude- not safe, strange hippy town, you’re a single female… ‘ I went into a little shop nearby and looked at stuff, not being able to shake the feeling that I should go talk to him. (Bear in mind that I’m still hungup on Costa Rica, so it’s not that I’m interested.)
So, I left the store and went back up the hill to talk to him. “Whatcha reading?” I ask him as I get closer. “The bible” he responds. My face says ‘no shit’ and I say, “yes, but where?” “John” he responds. I end up sitting down on the wall next to him and talking for the next 2 hours or so. We basically exchanged life stories. As I left to go on my merry way, I let him have the link to my travel blog. From which he added me on facebook. I didn’t really talk to him at all for the next month as I settled in to my routine in Seattle.

 I got back on Match.com once I got to Seattle and decided to stay, went out with 5-6 different guys. Ended up having 2 dates in one day twice… such a playa. Haha It wasn’t on purpose and totally stressed me out though when it worked out like that. But anyway- I had fun. They were all no’s. But there were a couple of 6’5” guys that were totally awesome, just because I felt small. Haha But yeah.

One day at work, this guy came in and found out that I was new to town. He suggested that I try his church, just to meet more people. He was off to Istanbul the next day- so he wouldn’t be there for the next few months, but still. I just laugh and think to myself.. “um no.” I hadn’t been to church in over a year at that point, and I had no desire to start again. So I dismissed it. A couple weeks later, I had gone on a hike with one of my dates, but found myself home before 5. This church started at 5, and for some reason, I felt like I was supposed to go. So I went. Not a single solitary person said a word to me. And, the message had me all up in arms. So much so I wanted to stand up and say something during service, which of course I would never do. But anyway, I left there completely irate. Haha I needed to vent, but with the time difference, there wasn’t really anyone I could call, so I ended up calling the Colorado guy and unleashed it all on him. Poor thing. Haha. Well, after that point, we were just friends. We talked probably once a week or so. During this point, I finally hit my breaking point with all the stress and just stopped. I’d been planning the future for so long that I forgot to exist right now, and so I stopped worrying about my next step. Well, as I’m going on all these dates, I realized something about myself- that I have chameleon like tendencies, so as not to create waves. These guys would only see the side of me that meshed with them, and then think they loved me. False. Haha Well, the Colorado guy, all of a sudden starts being more vocal in the fact that he’s crushing on me. And I’m like SHIT. That wasn’t supposed to happen at all. He’s my friend. He’s way too Christian, and has other issues that I didn’t want to deal with, and he’s in Colorado. Well, not this past Saturday but the one before, I wrote him a 2000 word email, explaining to him all the sides of me that he didn’t know. The anti-church side and everything. We ended up talking on the phone that night for 6 hours. Which is retarded. The next night it was 4 hours. “Do I need to move to Seattle?” he jokingly asked. “No! of course not.” I realized by this point- that we had a solid friendship base. We were constantly laughing about things, and just genuinely enjoying eachothers company. And then he loves me and thinks I’m magical. So I let down the walls and accept it. My work was not doing super well- they had cut my hours because it’s slow, and everyone got cut. I was having difficulty finding a new job, so I was like- “I can just come out there.” So, a week later, here I am.

Crazy as it may be. I decided that I love him. Like for realzy, no reservations. Which actually hasn't happened before, so I'm intrigued to see how this plays out. I'm playing for keeps.

Spontaneity and faith

So in an interesting and completely unexpected turn of events, I find my path being written to Colorado. I don't know if I'm making the right choice, but then again, who gets to determine what is right and what isn't? Am I terrified of the number of things that could go wrong with this? Absolutely. 
Especially because today I was offered another job here, one that would solve my immediate problems. Instead, I am doing something even crazier, and adding problems and causing even greater problems to solve within the next few days.  But they haven't happened yet, and the magic that is given to me has a habit of working out.
What happens when you take a leap of faith off a mountain top, having no idea what lies below- you could land on a rocky craig- stranded and broken, or you could land in a pile of fresh snow, or you could land in a hotsprings with your lover.

Who knows. Guess we'll find out!

The moment in which everything changes

It can come along quite subtly, you have no idea that it's coming, and then all of a sudden it's there and you have to decide, yes, or no.

I chose yes. Why? Because I laugh. Because I'm comfortable. Because I never tried, it just was.
I was concerned at first, when I saw him heading in this direction. I know what it's like to have a crush on someone who doesn't return the favor.  But then I realized that if I stopped trying to tell myself why it wouldn't work, the odds were actually not insurmountable. At no point was I not able to tell him who I was, I withheld some things for awhile, but then I let them all out. There is nothing more hidden.

So the bungalow on the beach that is my heart has another occupant. The others that were asking for a sweetheart room will just have to go to the hotel down the road.

Revelations

It's funny the things that you discover about yourself when you're not even trying. Things that come to light and you don't like them so you have to change immediately.

I am a chameleon. I always have been. You learn to adapt, to live in any situation, to endure any circumstances good or bad. I also have learned to be whoever the people around me need me to be. This is why I am able to be friends with any one. I have all types of friends. Religious, and not. Mafia or the cops. Republicans and anarchists. 
These people as a whole, see me as someone who is quiet, loving, good natured, and unjudgmental. They typically don't know how strenuously I disagree with some things that are important to them, because I let it go. Live and let live. But unfortunately, this creates an illusion- and I get frustrated that no one actually knows who I am. In fact, this is my fault. I haven't allowed them to see the fullness of who I am, but merely the part of me that meshes with them.  This is especially true when it comes to guys. I don't care for division. I hate unnecessary conflict. So, a lot of the time, I choose to just let things slide, until they think they're in love with me and I know that they don't know the half of it.
And so this must change. It is dishonest and unhealthy. And that is not who I want to be.

subconcious fear

So, I realized something last night. An unacknowledged fear. The cause of which has been going out on dates with the 5 or 6 guys I've been out with since getting here. One is still in my life as an automatic friend, there was never anything else there. And one, I'm still exploring the possibilities, but the others have been in and out of my life like a revolving door. The one I referred to as good in a previous post, occasionally tries to come back through the door, but that won't happen. The lifestyle and view on the world is much too different.
The one that I'm talking to now, he could conceivably sweep me off of my feet. But I'm having difficulty sharing my life with him. My history, my soul. He really wants to know me, and I am at a loss for what to say. It's not that I don't want him to know me, it's like I've shared so much of myself over the last year, that I'm empty. I know I'm not, but maybe subconscious walls were put up because I was sharing so much for no return. I don't want them there though, they have to go. It shouldn't matter. There is no harm in them seeing the fullness of who I am and the hows of why I am.  So I fight on. I don't want there to be fear in my life. I don't want walls.  But, I'd really like the revolving door to stop, because it's hurting me.

Letting go

After weeks of feeling the pressure of anxiety, the confusion of why I was feeling that way, the days and nights of feeling lost- as inexplicable as it began, so it ended. But now I have the answers. Now I know why.
I let myself be ruled by the future. I left Florida with the anticipation of what was to come, I was going on an adventure! It was going to be great. Everything would fall into place, because I am me, and it always does, I have magical powers.  When the going got tough, the one I referred to as my unicorn came into being, and he helped me keep the joy in my life instead of succumbing to the pressures of working 80 hours a week, and training my children and the hundreds of interpersonal relationships that functioned on a daily basis.  But then as the time to leave got nearer and nearer, my focus kept going further and further into the future and anxiety started taking over slowly and stealthily. Then the pyramids I had started building in my head those plans for the future that would touch the clouds, they started crumbling. The foundations were still there, but the walls started falling, and those clouds that I was trying to reach- evaporated  as the storm passed though.  Suddenly I was left with nothing but the foundation so I stared at the foundation unable to picture what I should start to build on it again. So I left it alone.
During the crumble and collapse I arrived in Seattle. The universe stretched out its hand to me and reminded me of my magic in providing me in the moment with a place to stay and an immediate job. But, I didn't know what to do with it. Anything I tried to picture for my future seemed to be completely unrealistic. What was I doing, why was I here? What was the purpose of the magic I'd been reminded of.   I spiraled out of control until one night I broke. I shattered the illusion I was building for myself. The catalyst had nothing to do with my plans or future. It was merely the evidence that there are things outside of my control. So I wept for the ones that hurt, for the inevitable pain, and in the morning- my soul and mind were cleansed. At the time I didn't know why or how, I simply accepted the relief of the quiet mind.
Later that day as I'm sitting in the bookstore I glance to my right and see that a book I read recently is right next to me,  and there is another by the same author right next to it that I had never read. So I reached over and pulled it out and flipped through the index.  A chapter title grabbed my attention, so I skipped ahead to read it. He was discussing in length experiences I had had, and he attributed them to living in the future instead of moment by moment.  He attributed peace to living in the here and now, unconcerned with anything but the things that happen right now. As I read, I thought more and more on the subject. Things started going wrong when I started planning and building the pyramid, but the moments in which I stopped planning, and instead followed the magic of coincidence and prodding in the moment- those were where the peace was.
So in the days that followed, I am evermore at peace. My brain is quiet. It's not trying to solve problems that haven't happened yet. The structure that is built on this foundation has no blueprints, it will likely end up not looking like anything we've ever seen before, the physics of it likely will defy gravity. There are no clouds or stars to reach for, merely the experience of building the most wonky creation you've ever seen and the joy that comes with the process. I will continue to follow the magic that shows up, because it's the magic that will make this building defy the laws of physics.