Nothing

I haven't figured anything out.

It's been a stressful weekend. An evil person called corporate on me because I was attacking him when I told him that our sugar ham was indeed sugar ham and not country ham like he thought. He was offended when I told him that both hams had a bone in it. However since he is a chef, and therefore knows infinitely more than I, he informed me that sugar ham doesn't have a bone in it, ever. I think he thinks that if you glaze a ham with sugar it magically dissolves the bone. The amazing properties of sugar. :)
I was nice to him... but because I didn't agree with him, I was attacking him. I am a mean and vengeful person, of course. :) To make matters just that much more interesting 1, he used to manage a cracker barrel before he was fired. 2, his daughter who currently works with us was sitting right there with him as he yelled at me. It was quite possibly the worst experience I have ever had. With the possible exception of the threat of being killed by an employee followed with me having to get her fired.

Today was fine up until I found out that my brother Josiah fought with our dad again and it ended very badly. Then I caught him making food for himself without paying for it. And found out that he'd been the one drinking the chocolate milk in the cooler a couple months ago. We would find empty cartons in there but I had no idea who it was... then to find out it was my own brother. He's the king of poor life decisions. He does what he does because he wants to. So supremely selfish that he doesn't consider the consequences for his actions. And if he does get in trouble, he doesn't tend to blame himself. He's aware of his deficiencies, but chooses not to straighten up. What he wants out weighs all else.

It kills me. I just want to curl up in a ball.
Nate at work was the one that told me the final straw about Josiah and the chocolate milk, and then wondered why I was walking around with the look that someone had just shot me in the heart.  That is seriously what it feels like.

There is absolutely nothing I can do to make him choose to do what is right. Nothing. If anything continues, I will get him fired. I have to. Dire consequences have to happen. If he doesn't start straightening up his act, he's going to wind up in prison.
But he's my brother... and I feel responsible for him. I just don't know what else to do.

Part of me just wants to run away. I just want to not have to be responsible for anyone ever. I just want to be selfish. Why do I always have to take care of everyone else? Why can't anyone ever take care of me?

I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing...

What happens when you have a dream? A dream that motivates and inspires. A dream that seems to come from God because of several different confirmations.
I've hit that point where I have to say "What in the world am I thinking? There's no possible way this can work out, it's way too complicated."
I decided to go to college, only 8 years after I graduated highschool. Problems: they want a highschool transcript, which I never made back in the day. Or a GED result, which I never took. Solutions, either wing the transcript, or take the GED.
Other problems with this idea: When am I going to have the time to go to school?! When I'm not working, I'm working on the farm, working on housework, or spending quality time with family and friends. Since I'm planning on moving out, I'll be shelling out that much more cash a month which means I'll need a second job, which also means less time. What the hell am I thinking? How is this going to work?
I have no idea. I feel like I'm in an unmanned airplane with no flying skills.
I start to question, does God actually want me to follow this life path, or is it all in my head?  Would I be just as content with my life if I did nothing and left life the way it is, or followed a less globally aware path? I feel like I'd be shirking in my duty to become all that I was made to become.

I just don't know.

One Love, One Heart -Bob Marley

Strangely lonely.

Keenly upset about something I shouldn't be, and have no control over.

Wishing things were different, but knowing it's best they're not.

If only the heart and mind were on the same page......



There is so much change in my life. So much indecision. So many choices. So much desire to run, and the desire to stay. Which path is most beneficial to me and others?

I'm going down to the Outer Banks of NC this coming Monday... I can't wait. It will help me make the decision on whether or not to move there. And hopefully, the peace of the ocean will will clear the thoughts and help me see clearly the cause and effect of each path.

Yes, I get trapped in my own head sometimes. I sometimes worry that I think about things too much. Over-analyze.

I just created this crazy awesome mix CD of Adele, Bob Marley, Keb' Mo', and Paul Simon.... because I'm just that awesome. ;-) It's happy music, just makes you want to sway.

I brought my dog out to the farm today and introduced him to the chickens. He was more interested in them than I would've liked. However, I think more association with them would help that. They're free-range, so they're all over the place there. He doesn't usually chase wild things, and he was really good because I was holding him, but I think he would've like to have smelled them... and they were not comfortable with that. haha.

The end..