I don't understand the psychic connection even now. 3 years since I met him and he started to invade my soul. So, I'm not friends with him online- so I can't see anything he posts anymore. But somehow, anything he's posted publicly on his youtube, I see within hours of him posting it. Not because it notifies me, I just have a feeling.(This is also not something I check on a regular basis. Sometimes it's weeks, sometimes it's months.) He's grown his hair out again, the top of his head completely bald. I didn't know this until later, but it actually is an indicator of how he feels about himself. If he has hair- it means he doesn't want to be attractive and thinks he looks horrible, and feels like he is undeserving of any attention. My heart still bleeds for him. Why can he not embrace his destiny and be the man the world needs him to be? If he could find a way to the grace and compassion that he holds locked away- and let it loose- he could be such a force for change. But, he has been imprisoned, and though the key is within reach, he cannot reach for it, the enemy has blinded him.
There have been more talking to other guys on my side.
The most recent was Jason in Wisconsin. He was interested for two days, and then stopped. Who knows why.
There is never any answer to that question. It is simply that it is not meant to be in my life. So on I go.
What is next? What steps do I take? I have no idea. Do I leave? Do I stay? I don't know.
Monday, September 24, 2018
Thursday, September 13, 2018
you know how sometimes
you know how sometimes clarity strikes and epiphanies happen? I didn't cry, but there are tears not far below the surface.
For the past 3+ years my life has been wrapped up in a mess, a mess that has largely involved Micah, and Eve. 3 years ago I was in the process of leaving the outer banks, on my way, I would stop in Colorado meeting Micah and visiting Eve for a week - cementing our friendship that had been brief and long distant for the year and a half prior.
I was able to be there for her through out the whole mess that happened with her life and relationship- and by the time it was over, I was living in a place that she was inclined to go, and I had the friends to build her a support group.
Now if Micah and I were still together at this point- because of his issues with his ex's not letting him have anything to do with his children and destroying him with that.... he wouldn't be on Eve's side with this. He would be on her exs.. and it's easy for me to feel compassion for him- because I too think of Micah's situation. But, it is not in Eve's best interest- she needs to be harsh and strong- because of the damage he's done to her and will continue to do if given an inch. So, being on the outside looking in, I can advise her to be strong. And not allow him grace- because grace solves no problems and only creates them. This is a case where harshness is the only answer that shows love. Hard love, but love.
So the moral of this story- I see now why we couldn't be together at this point. It would have destroyed us.
For the past 3+ years my life has been wrapped up in a mess, a mess that has largely involved Micah, and Eve. 3 years ago I was in the process of leaving the outer banks, on my way, I would stop in Colorado meeting Micah and visiting Eve for a week - cementing our friendship that had been brief and long distant for the year and a half prior.
I was able to be there for her through out the whole mess that happened with her life and relationship- and by the time it was over, I was living in a place that she was inclined to go, and I had the friends to build her a support group.
Now if Micah and I were still together at this point- because of his issues with his ex's not letting him have anything to do with his children and destroying him with that.... he wouldn't be on Eve's side with this. He would be on her exs.. and it's easy for me to feel compassion for him- because I too think of Micah's situation. But, it is not in Eve's best interest- she needs to be harsh and strong- because of the damage he's done to her and will continue to do if given an inch. So, being on the outside looking in, I can advise her to be strong. And not allow him grace- because grace solves no problems and only creates them. This is a case where harshness is the only answer that shows love. Hard love, but love.
So the moral of this story- I see now why we couldn't be together at this point. It would have destroyed us.
Monday, September 03, 2018
and so I cried
Dude seriously. So f'd up.
I asked Danette this afternoon if she could have some girl time/talk with me because she's the one person that knows everything about the situation and I can talk freely about God with. So, she calls me back and says that she's talked to Micah, and asked him about letting me come over to the house. He agreed, with the conditions being that there be no contact. So, that being the case, would I come over?
I said I'd have to think about it. Because that totally threw me for a loop. I can't even tell you. I sobbed.
I didn't go. I don't think it's right to invade. Especially since he and that story is the one I must talk about.
I asked Danette this afternoon if she could have some girl time/talk with me because she's the one person that knows everything about the situation and I can talk freely about God with. So, she calls me back and says that she's talked to Micah, and asked him about letting me come over to the house. He agreed, with the conditions being that there be no contact. So, that being the case, would I come over?
I said I'd have to think about it. Because that totally threw me for a loop. I can't even tell you. I sobbed.
I didn't go. I don't think it's right to invade. Especially since he and that story is the one I must talk about.
seriously f'd up.
So, in the whacked out story that is my life here goes this one.
Eve is telling me that she joined plenty of fish, but her profile keeps getting deleted. So, I figure I would get on and see if mine did the same thing. So, I go to the site, and 4 years ago I had made a profile on there, and it was still there. It was hidden, so that no one could find me. So yesterday morning, I unhid it, just to see what would happen.
Straight off a person named Micah messages me. and then another guy that looks interesting, and ironically his name is Dane. (My Micah has a brother named Dane.) Anyway, I basically shut down the guy named Micah because he sent me a picture I didn't want to see, especially straight off... but I continued to talk to the guy Dane... he was an interesting person. Agreed to meet up with him, so he came up here and we went to the local mexican restaurant. Had good conversation, and it was raining out, so I told him he could come back to my house and sit on the couch. So, we just chilled at the house for the next few hours. It got to the point where we didn't really know what more to say and I could tell he was wondering if he should make a move- so I sent him home. Nicely- and told him that I'd like to hang out tomorrow if he wanted to. So, anyway- after he left I texted him saying thanks for driving up, for a good afternoon, all that stuff and his response was just "welcome". So I don't think that we'll be seeing eachother again. I was in bed, just thinking about stuff, the weirdness of the coincidences, I mean, seriously God, what the hell? This guy Dane is basically the not quite christian version of my micah. Lot of guns, a taurus, super handy, loves his dog. Has visions that come true, likes people, but doesn't at the same time- just wants to get away. I didn't ask if he played any instruments, but I didn't get that impression. So that's different. Neither one of them read very much, and neither have any appreciation for sports or tv.
So, it was just weird. So I'm laying there stressing. God, why? What do you want from me? was my hearts' cry. So I open the bible app on my phone just to get some answers maybe, and the first thing I see? The verse of the day that they picked was this: "rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."
Do you realize how much that applies to the situation? "Hope" was the word for moving here. Everything was about hope in the face of darkness. Prayer- the only thing asked of me. The only thing I can do. When I saw that- the tears fell. I miss him. I want to move on, but the universe keeps saying no. Why, God? Why?!
Eve is telling me that she joined plenty of fish, but her profile keeps getting deleted. So, I figure I would get on and see if mine did the same thing. So, I go to the site, and 4 years ago I had made a profile on there, and it was still there. It was hidden, so that no one could find me. So yesterday morning, I unhid it, just to see what would happen.
Straight off a person named Micah messages me. and then another guy that looks interesting, and ironically his name is Dane. (My Micah has a brother named Dane.) Anyway, I basically shut down the guy named Micah because he sent me a picture I didn't want to see, especially straight off... but I continued to talk to the guy Dane... he was an interesting person. Agreed to meet up with him, so he came up here and we went to the local mexican restaurant. Had good conversation, and it was raining out, so I told him he could come back to my house and sit on the couch. So, we just chilled at the house for the next few hours. It got to the point where we didn't really know what more to say and I could tell he was wondering if he should make a move- so I sent him home. Nicely- and told him that I'd like to hang out tomorrow if he wanted to. So, anyway- after he left I texted him saying thanks for driving up, for a good afternoon, all that stuff and his response was just "welcome". So I don't think that we'll be seeing eachother again. I was in bed, just thinking about stuff, the weirdness of the coincidences, I mean, seriously God, what the hell? This guy Dane is basically the not quite christian version of my micah. Lot of guns, a taurus, super handy, loves his dog. Has visions that come true, likes people, but doesn't at the same time- just wants to get away. I didn't ask if he played any instruments, but I didn't get that impression. So that's different. Neither one of them read very much, and neither have any appreciation for sports or tv.
So, it was just weird. So I'm laying there stressing. God, why? What do you want from me? was my hearts' cry. So I open the bible app on my phone just to get some answers maybe, and the first thing I see? The verse of the day that they picked was this: "rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."
Do you realize how much that applies to the situation? "Hope" was the word for moving here. Everything was about hope in the face of darkness. Prayer- the only thing asked of me. The only thing I can do. When I saw that- the tears fell. I miss him. I want to move on, but the universe keeps saying no. Why, God? Why?!
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