the reason

I know I said that I wouldn't judge. And I'm not. I'm not judging you, you may do as you like. But, for me, and what I allow into my life and what I would go through heaven and hell for- this is not it, and since this is the life you've chosen, I cannot go down this road any further. I will always love you and adore you and compare every relationship to you. But, this is a weakness that I cannot gloss over. This is not something that my life can be attached to.  You will destroy me if I do, and I cannot save you. 

My heart is broken. 

confession

 I had started going on dates again. Nothing major and certainly nothing physical. I felt like I couldn't just keep on with you in my heart, while you obviously didn't want me and were perpetually with someone else.  But every time I was out, the conversation, listening to their stories... I just felt myself comparing them to you.  Was he going to make me laugh? Was he weird enough to appreciate how weird I can be? Does he have passions and asperations? Does he want to make the world a better place?  Does he love his family? Would holding his hand leave me wanting more? 

The answers were always no. Not to everything, but the majority, I just knew that it wasn't right. It wasn't a good fit.  But, they liked me. They pursued me. They wanted me.  They texted or called just to check in. They told me how they felt about me.   I didn't wonder where I stood.   But, that wasn't enough. If the rest wasn't there, this obsession with me wouldn't last.  And, that's what I need.  I need someone that has a fire within that burns for me and wants to merge with my fire to be a difference maker in the lives of people. 

I just wanted it to be you. You have the smile that lights up my world. You have the laughter and the passions. 

You have your weaknesses, but they don't define you unless you let them. You inspire me to be kinder, to love more deeply, to think about things from a different perspective. 

I will always love you. 

what is happening

 I don't even know what is happening in my life right now. 

Heath called me and asked if he could crash on my couch after having not really heard from him for the past two months. I've been spending this time getting over him and trying to move on.  I pick him up because his car got towed- and the first thing out of his mouth his how he missed me so much and really fucked up in pushing me away, and can we please try to do this?  So of course, without even thinking about it, I agree. I love him and never have stopped. He stayed at my house for 3 days.... and things happened.  And then he left and I had time to think. What the hell am I doing?  I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore, I don't think. If I believed him, if I thought he adored me too, I could fall back in love with him in an instant. But, with our history, frankly, I don't. 

And to make matters that much more complicated, there's a guy that has potential that I've been talking to. I started talking to him before Heath called... but it hadn't gotten anywhere, and then Wednesday he texts me this long great text, and so I responded the next morning about how I'm giving heath a chance. Well, he hasn't taken that for an answer. At first he was like, well, we can be friends. But, he's not wanting to be friends. He's wanting me to change my mind about Heath and give him a shot. 

I don't even know what to do. Not even a little bit. I just expect Heath to break my heart, and don't want to miss out on a good guy if that's the case. How horrible is that? 

life coaching

 so I've been working on starting a coaching business... sort of. It's so hard. I don't know what I'm doing. I hardly know where to start. I don't know. It's overwhelming. But, I'm working on it. 

I just feel like this is a step in the direction of making a difference in people's lives. 

streetlights

 Walking down the sidewalk that  winds along the lakefront, dusk settling in. The children at the playground screaming and laughing as they play knowing that soon the calls from their parents will tell them it's time to go home. 
I walk, the wind blowing my hair into my face. I watch the waves on the lake beat up against the seawall, splashing up onto the sidewalk. It's a chilly evening for Florida, but it feels refreshing to get out of the house.  My thoughts seem to jump from one thing to the next, curiosity about the people that I just walked past, internal laughter at the man dancing alone in his car, smiling at the man running towards me on his evening jog. Suddenly the streetlights flicker above me, and tears spring to my eyes and I have to choke back a sob.  I will never view streetlights again in the same way. This time they are a reminder of all I have lost.  I walk on, blinking rapidly, hoping the tears don't fall and that no one notices. 

there was a moment

 ghosts of those I've loved are haunting me today, how they've moved on an found happiness. 

The anniversary of my first and his new wife, the one he left me for. 

And then the one I thought God ordained for me, he and his new wife visiting our old friends.

And all I did last night was dream of the one I love now. My subconscious is still obsessed with him. I know he's back with her again. She's the one he thinks will bring him happiness. So be it. 

The ups and downs that have forever marked us, they broke up and were over... so he decided to take a chance on me for a minute. It was the best few weeks. And then suddenly it was over, with no explanation. His friend told me about her, he never did. And once again, I have to learn how to live without him. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. But, it doesn't seem to get any easier. 

The heart is a terrible thing. 

this existential crisis of mine

i  have it every year, actually. It's something that I am aware of, but am never prepared for. As my birthday looms usually the week before, I get super angsty. I overthink everything. I reevaluate my life, what I'm doing and why. I typically freak myself out by saying that I am not enough, am not doing enough, that my life is wasting away. 

I cannot live a meaningless life. I cannot just go through the motions. I can't just get up in the morning and go to work and come home to watch tv and go to bed, saving for retirement and "one day" when I get to live.  I cannot. It kills my soul when I find myself in that rut- which is why I was dying inside working for Joanne.   Yes, the work was stressful, and I never felt like I had the tools to make it easy. Components were there, but it was a machine misfiring on almost every cylinder and I felt like I was macgyver, saving everyone from certain death with a paperclip.  But, I thrive on being needed, so that wasn't the main problem. 

It felt like there was no purpose. No purpose to my life other than living for my days off, IF I got them. I tried to make them spectacular, so that my soul would recharge for the next several days, but in the end, that wasn't helping either. 

WHAT AM I DOING?

WHERE IS MY LIFE HEADED?

It was headed in a direction that I couldn't live with. I would not be me and still continue 

down that road. So I did the desperate thing and quit. I'll just write a book. I tell everyone 

so that I am accountable to actually do it. 

Who do I want to be? And what do I want my life to look like?

I want to have lived by the end of my life. I want to feel as though I've made a difference 

and accomplished something. 

What does that look like? I don't know exactly. Will I ever be satisfied? I don't know. 

I want my life to be authentic. The good and the bad visible to see. I am not perfect by 

any stretch of the imagination, but I want to be. Doing what is right no matter what,

 my word, my life, above reproach as best I can.  I want to inspire others to that life.

 It's simply a choice. 

I have some friends that struggle with addiction problems, and in looking for help for 

them, I discovered that it's few and far between and incredibly expensive.  How are

 people supposed to get clean?

How can I help solve that problem? 

My heart has been with kids that don't have the means or the vision to find the 

magic in life, because life has kicked them when they're down even at their young age. 

How can I help? What can I do?

So many of my friends get stuck in the rut of life and end up hating everything, but 

don't know how to change, or what to do instead. 

There's something wrong with our society. It's not supposed to be like this. 

What is the POINT? To live without purpose is to not live at all. 

So, in order to make some changes in my own life, today I signed up for a community 

volunteer program. I don't know how much they're doing right now because of Covid, 

but at least it's a step. 

The new end

 What a time it's been. 

But here I sit, my stomach in knots. My heart literally stopping every time the phone would vibrate. I had to shut off the ringer, only silent mode from here on out. 

I couldn't let him have to choose between us, I knew that the choice was not going to be me, so why let him carry that on his conscience.  Besides, if I did the ending of things, maybe that would psych my brain into getting well. My body has simply given up. 

Memories were made. And I hate to give that up. I wish that I could hold on to those moments forever and make them last. But, that is not meant to be.

well

That was a while in between posts. Not intentionally...

Ups and downs and everything in between. Work was good at first going back to the restaurant, but then short staffed and had several employees out with covid. It's just been one disaster after another. I've applied other places, interviewed at a breakfast place that I've been trying to get into for the past few months... waiting to hear back from them. We'll see.

Things with Heath... sames. Ups and downs.

He was in love with rebound girl, and then he was done with her. Then she had found out that she had a tubal pregnancy happening, so he couldn't be done with her. He took her to the doctor and all the appointments afterwards. And fell back in love with her and worse than ever. I think we're pretty much done at this point. We don't talk anymore. Breaks my heart, but it is what it is. There's no way we could have continued the way things were if he was in love with someone else.  We were too close.  Guys with girlfriends don't have girl best friends.

I wish there was someone else for me.  I hate that I'm not wanted. Except by married dudes. FML.

Cinco de Mayo

1 year ago I met Heath... our first date. Not that there have been many, a few hang outs, but not really dates.
We were supposed to have plans today. But he forgot. I didn't remind him, because, I wanted him to remember, but of course he made plans with other friends and the rebound.
But, that is the story of our friendship.  I wish I knew what to do.

I started working at Publix, but that hasn't gone like I had hoped. Intense excruciating back pain by the end of my shifts. So, I'm in the process of quitting there and going back to the restaurant, which opens on Thursday. I am not super excited about it to be honest, but I just need something to keep money coming in for the next while until things get back to normal. We'll just see what happens.


I went swimming in the ocean today, so that was good. Thankful that's opened back up.

toxic

I have a friend who is self destructive in pretty much every way imaginable. From a shitty growing up experience to an adult life when the world just knocks you off your feet the first chance it gets, and repeatedly so. To top that off, he makes self sabotaging decisions because he doesn't feel like he's worth anything and might as well take out as many that hurt him as he can.

I spent 6 hours on the phone with him yesterday, mostly just listening. Today already more than a hour on and off.

It's one of those things that I have no way to help. Nothing to offer. The suggestions that I do offer are largely ignored because he's not in the frame of mind to choose what's right when the wrong choice while it might hurt him- hurts the ones that hurt him.

I sobbed today one time after getting off the phone with him. His pain is so raw, and I know there's nothing I can do. I know any move that I could make helps sabotage him. What if he makes a choice to hurt other people and actually goes through with it, and I knew about it and did nothing to stop it? Is that pain a debt I'm willing to hold on to? But if I do make a move and preemptively stop him before he actually does anything, and to be honest, ensure his death, that too is a call I'm not willing to live with. Feeling between the rock and a hard place for sure.

I'm hoping against all hope that the sane part of him with win out against the drunk angry vengeful side.

I just don't know.

Reflections

It's Easter, and I feel like that this is the time of the year I reflect the most on life and death and Christianity.

Last year was a really weird year, knowing that I was 33 and that was the same age as Jesus when he was crucified. This year, obviously I'm a whole year older than he ever was. People older than me tell me all the time how I'm still young, and people younger than me think I'm not THAT old.  So, it's still weird, and will forever be weird, probably.

I feel like I've taken a pretty major step back in the faith department over the past few years, but especially this past one. I had gotten so pissed off with God, actually I don't know that pissed off is the right way to describe it. Upset sure, but more disappointed than anything. I felt like he had promised me something and then failed to come through. I did everything I felt I was called to do, even when I didn't want to and it didn't seem like a good idea. Still I did. And the results were just crushing disaster, one right after the other.
So, I don't know if I consciously turned off my link to listen, but I really stopped getting any guidance in any shape or form. That, to be honest, has crushed my soul even more.

I feel like I just had a year of Saturday. The day of silence. The day of numb grief.

So I am hoping, dearly hoping, that today marks the beginning of a fresh start. Hope restored.

recognition

My heart stopped when I saw his face, and then beat a little quicker. I felt the draw of attraction when he smiled at me.  I sat down with him and he told me his story, and my heart just filled with compassion for him. It wasn’t a sad story necessarily, but he didn’t believe that a happily ever after really was possible any more. None of his friends had it. They were all glad to escape their wives and girlfriends. 

My heart broke a little bit for him, and his friends! That they had all caved to societal norms, but hadn’t found happiness or really anything that they were looking for besides some extent of social success. 

What he needed, I could tell from his story, was a country club babe with a heart of gold. But, that felt like an oxymoron, and as rare as a unicorn.  I was probably not what he was looking for. I knew my heart was made of gold, but, I didn’t come from the life he was accustomed to, nor was that the life I desired. 

x

I was surprised when I heard from him again after that meeting.  The second time we met up did not go as he had planned. He had had a few too many with an old college buddy the night before, so instead of meeting me at the gardens, he couldn’t get off the couch. After I had explored the gardens myself, he invited me to come sit with him- promising that it wouldn’t be very fun, but at least we would hang out.  Before long, his head was on my lap as we sat on the couch, I massaged his scalp, and he fell asleep. I knew in that moment that I loved him. Maybe I had loved his soul before in a past life, and my soul just recognised his, I have no answers. I just knew. 

As with all love stories, they never go like you think that they will. There were so many ups and downs as our story progressed, there were times where I felt like my heart would just explode because of how much I felt for him. But, there were the devastating lows, when he chose anything and everything ahead of me, because he was trying in his own perhaps unconscious way, to get me to stop loving him. He didn’t feel worthy of it, and knew that my standards were not ones that he was currently achieving.  But, the days and the months went past and still I was there, never letting him down, and always going the extra mile to be there for him, no matter the situation. 

The day he chose someone else was when my heart really broke. I didn’t know why. What she had that I did not. What made our connection just “friends”, when all I did was love him unconditionally, and support him without reservation.  I decided that he must not be attracted to me like that, and maybe that’s why spending any time with me, besides a few moments here and there- but countless hours on the phone- was too much effort. 

None of the pain was allowed to drip through into our conversations though. I held it in, not wanting to damage the relationship that we did have.  Still I loved him.

He broke up with her 6 months later, but rebounded immediately with someone else. Still not choosing me. Even though, shit was hitting the fan, and he wasn’t handling it well, so who did he want there with him. Me.  And so I dropped everything, and went straight there. I shared my heart, to an extent, and he shared his. But, the next day, he went back to his rebound, and my heart cried, again. 

This is not our life time that is meant to be together. Because even if he were to choose me at this point, I would not trust that he would continue to choose me.  But, love is never wasted, and love is a gift freely given. So, I love as I can, and retreat when I can, to protect my heart. It was another lifetime, dear one, my soul just remembers it as though it was yesterday and doesn’t know how to move on. But it’s learning, one step at a time. 

state of the union

There is a general vibe of anxiety in the world right now. Everything from the presidential elections, to the virus, to the tumble on Wall Street. The travel bans, cancelations of social outings, and the frustrations all this causes.
I am not a person to let my emotions rule me, but given the exhausted and under fed status of my soul, I am feeling things much too much for my personal comfort.
My own anxieties about work and money and my goals for the future feel amplified. I currently live in a city surrounded by figures trapped in the motions of life. Every piece of my soul screams out to them all the time THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN WORK AND ENTERTAINMENT. But, no one asks me for the answers though, which is a good thing. I don’t have them.  It’s just city life. You get trapped by it. Social expectations. Peer influences.
What path is the right one, the one that makes the most difference in the world, one that feeds my own soul and the souls of others?
Personally, I note with horror that I am turning 35 this year, which is basically 40, and no longer young. And that makes me question everything. Am I making the right choice? Stay, go, invest or close that door?
Romantic relationships in my past have all (strangely) resulted in them finding their happily ever after, during or directly after me. The ones that do want me tend to be married or approach life too differently from me to be compatible.  And so, after the last several failed attempts at dating, I realized that I cannot try anymore.  I love too easily, and somehow it never goes away.  But, on the flip side there are moments of despair, especially when all of your friends have someone. And, you know, the other stuff….

And so life goes on. What lies ahead? I have no idea. But this moment, this is a good one, and this is where I need to exist until the next moment comes.

May love light your path, and peace surround your soul.

exhaustion

I've been working a ton. 55+ hours a week, from morning until bedtime or later. Plus the 40minute commute, it's just alot. And I'm tired all the time. I get wednesday and thursday off, but it feels like I shouldn't. They need someone there. But at the same time- it also feels like I need more time away to live. There is absolutely no time for me to have a life. And that, frankly, is frustrating... and I'm sure it'll only continue to be so as the weather warms up. I did go swimming for the first time this year last monday, so that was good, and the only reason I was able to do that was because I had requested off before I had become a manager.
I'm just so tired.
I need time to myself.

Right now I'm laying on my bed.... I wanted to have some time to myself this morning. The wind closed the cracked open door and I thought about getting dressed. My aunt came and opened the door.... there's just no privacy at all. And that is rough. So rough. They were supposed to be leaving right about now, but now it's looking like it will be another 2 weeks or more. Sigh.

confusing

I swear he's the most confusing guy I've ever known. He called me 4 times to check on me since I was sick yesterday. I have to remind myself that that means nothing. He tagged his girlfriend in something he wanted her to laugh with him about on fb. It's so hard for my heart to have boundaries.

new year

I am surprised I forgot to write a new entry for the new year. I do like to reminisce.

Things are much the same. I'm working at the fancy restaurant- they're making me a manager soon, which is a good thing, because tips aren't quite as one would hope- because they are over staffed. Sigh. But it is what it is. Hopefully she'll pay me well, haven't discussed that part yet.

Still friends with Heath. Much to my occasional despair. He still has a girlfriend. And that's fine. I feel like he's getting to have his cake and eat it too... and I feel like I play the role of his mother since he doesn't have one.  Not always, but definitely sometimes. I'm the one he calls when he's sick, when he has a problem, when he needs help. And I like that I'm able to be there for him, because I have this need to be needed. But, I have to say, it sometimes really sucks that that is all I am for him. But, on the flip side he's also more narcissistic than I need my partner to be.

I've had several other dates, 2 of them especially promising, so much so that we'd planned a second date. But, then he would fall off the face of the planet, and I would never hear from him again. It's pretty frustrating, let me tell ya!  I've given up again. I don't want to date.  I don't know what it is about me that isn't worth the effort to any guy. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, so I'm really just done trying.