i have it every year, actually. It's something that I am aware of, but am never prepared for. As my birthday looms usually the week before, I get super angsty. I overthink everything. I reevaluate my life, what I'm doing and why. I typically freak myself out by saying that I am not enough, am not doing enough, that my life is wasting away.
I cannot live a meaningless life. I cannot just go through the motions. I can't just get up in the morning and go to work and come home to watch tv and go to bed, saving for retirement and "one day" when I get to live. I cannot. It kills my soul when I find myself in that rut- which is why I was dying inside working for Joanne. Yes, the work was stressful, and I never felt like I had the tools to make it easy. Components were there, but it was a machine misfiring on almost every cylinder and I felt like I was macgyver, saving everyone from certain death with a paperclip. But, I thrive on being needed, so that wasn't the main problem.
It felt like there was no purpose. No purpose to my life other than living for my days off, IF I got them. I tried to make them spectacular, so that my soul would recharge for the next several days, but in the end, that wasn't helping either.
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHERE IS MY LIFE HEADED?
It was headed in a direction that I couldn't live with. I would not be me and still continue
down that road. So I did the desperate thing and quit. I'll just write a book. I tell everyone
so that I am accountable to actually do it.
Who do I want to be? And what do I want my life to look like?
I want to have lived by the end of my life. I want to feel as though I've made a difference
and accomplished something.
What does that look like? I don't know exactly. Will I ever be satisfied? I don't know.
I want my life to be authentic. The good and the bad visible to see. I am not perfect by
any stretch of the imagination, but I want to be. Doing what is right no matter what,
my word, my life, above reproach as best I can. I want to inspire others to that life.
It's simply a choice.
I have some friends that struggle with addiction problems, and in looking for help for
them, I discovered that it's few and far between and incredibly expensive. How are
people supposed to get clean?
How can I help solve that problem?
My heart has been with kids that don't have the means or the vision to find the
magic in life, because life has kicked them when they're down even at their young age.
How can I help? What can I do?
So many of my friends get stuck in the rut of life and end up hating everything, but
don't know how to change, or what to do instead.
There's something wrong with our society. It's not supposed to be like this.
What is the POINT? To live without purpose is to not live at all.
So, in order to make some changes in my own life, today I signed up for a community
volunteer program. I don't know how much they're doing right now because of Covid,
but at least it's a step.
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