the words of the end

"Sometimes we want what we want more than we want what we need, I'm not sure this is healthy for you."

It was with those words. I couldn't sleep again last night. The stress has my heart rate too high to relax. My brain wouldn't shut off.

Those words need to be said directly back to him. He wants her. She's not healthy. She makes him unhealthy.
But, that's his choice.
I'm tired of fighting. I hate conflict. I hate walls. I hate disharmony. If I'm not wanted or needed- I can't fight. It disarms me. And I stand there like the knight in Monty Python who tries to keep fighting even though his arms, legs, everything gets hacked off and gushing blood.
I want to keep fighting. Because I feel like it's important, but I have nothing. There is no reason for him to be friends with me. The things I brought to his life before, don't apply anymore.

And there goes that

I believe Micah ended our friendship today. Blaming it on me, actually, because supposedly it isn't healthy for me. *shrugs* Pretty sure that was supposed to be my call.
I hate that we have talked about our lack of relationship every talk for the last few weeks. I didn't want to. I don't want to. I know it's not there. But I was loosing my friend, and didn't know what to do or what to say. And now I have lost him. I'm kind of just numb about it.  I told my sister what happened today and was able to just say, "oh well." There was no tears, it was just matter of fact. I feel like my old self. The one with no feelings.
I will hate not having him in my life, there's no doubt about that. His perspective on things helped me see things differently.
I'm kind of just at a loss at this point.
It's ironic, I said two weeks ago, "we're closer than we've ever been" to today, it's gone.
I don't have words. All I can say is "I don't even know." I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know what I'm thinking, nor do I know what I should be thinking for feeling. There's just loss and emptiness- and just numb. No grief, just vacant.

that moment

when they won't hold back, and just cascade down your cheeks.
I've been incredibly productive and hanging on by a thread kind of day today. First thing this morning I got a phone call from my Florida insurance agent because they wanted to tell me that they can't change my address to up here in NC, Florida and NC car insurances just don't mesh. "I'll take care of it." I tell them calmly. Internally I freak out. How am I going to change my car insurance without a copy of the title to prove that I'm not under a lien anymore? I don't even have proof of address for here. What am I going to do?
I call the bankruptcy lawyers, maybe their phone will be turned back on, and they will have some answers for me as far as getting my title.
The girl looks it up again. She says since the bank won't send it to me, and the DMV doesn't list it as under lien, technically I should be able to go to the DMV and request a duplicate copy stating that it was lost in transit.
Well, that's potentially good news. However, that means that I'll have to go to the Broward county DMV. I could get them to mail it to me, but then, I'd need a NC drivers license with proof of new address, and I'm not doing that. Plus, even if that worked, it would be at least 4 weeks. So, I have to figure out what to do. Should I rent a car next week and drive down? It would be about $200 for the trip. Or do I just wait? And go down before I go to Colorado in May?  Which gives me a limited amount of time to sell my car. Though I could just leave my car for my dad to sell for me.
But then when I come back, I'll have to buy a car... Or I can just leave the car here until after I come back and have time to find a car. 
So, the question yet remains, when should I go get the title? I guess if I do the math, I should just go in May and get it, I'll have the time, and I'll have already had to rent a car.  There's no real need to have the title right this second. 
Reason being, I was able to go to my old insurance lady and get my NC insurance back, simply told her I paid off the car and she didn't require proof of address. So there is no especially pressing reason to get the title right now. Unless I wanted to sell it before I left. Which I kinda do, but it might not be the smartest move.
I sent Micah a message asking him to call me when he could so I could run this stuff all past him. 10 hours later, he  still hasn't called. It's funny how much anxiety builds up just because of that. I just felt like I needed someone else to help me think through pros and cons. I approached my dad about it, but his response was, I don't know... and did you want me to have a solution?  Incredibly unhelpful. I didn't expect him to have an answer, but maybe an opinion.
Of course I can do this all on my own. Of course I will do it all on my own. But I goddamn well don't want to. I'm supposed to have a best friend. You tell everything to a best friend. You run ideas by them. You use them as your checks and balance to make sure you don't go off the deep end.
I talked to Eve about it, but she's a girl and doesn't really know car stuff.
And so there are moments that tears just flow. You don't want them to, but there they are. That thread that you hold yourself together with unravels. And as days go by, with each step closer to the leaping point when you don't know what lies on the other side- the anxiety builds, and the people that were beside you step back. You know they wish you well- but why did they have to step back already? I'm scared.  Why do I have to always do life alone when things are the hardest?
I swear every time the going gets the roughest, that's when everyone retreats. Every single time.
Do I make it through? Of course. But it's shit.

Getting older

There is a little bit of panic setting in lately over my age. It's all down hill from here, and what do I have to show for it? In 10 more years it will be hard for me to find a job, as opposed to now when it's there for the asking.
So that begs the question, how am I going to live?
How am I going to provide for myself and anyone else in my life?
Where am I going to live?
These are things I need to decide on. I'm going to be old here shortly, and I need to be aware of that.
Will everything work out? Yes of course. But that doesn't give you the right to float through life without using the gifts given to you. Using the resources provided.
What the hell am I doing with my life?

it didn't break

I thought it was going to. I really did. But as I wrote him an email, I recollected that I'd been in this spot before. In January, when I was wrestling with the new situation of being 2000 miles away. It stems from a lack of trust. It stems from the knowledge and experience of nothing working out like we think it will. I know that we all have choices, and I don't trust that Micah will ever choose me.
He told me yesterday that he doesn't tell me about his exwife very much because I radiate pain when he does. I know I do, but I'd rather he tell me than not. He said that I wouldn't if I was merely his friend, and not thinking like a girlfriend. While that might be true in a way, the long and short of it is, she's terrible for him. If she were good for him, if she inspired him to be a better person, if she loved him more than herself, if she made him feel like a man, if they were compatible instead of feeding off of eachother, if she pushed him to be closer to God, if she pushed him to fulfill his dreams, if she made him feel secure in his insecurities.... then I would be fine with her. But she is not that person, and I can't bear it that she hurts him and toys with his emotions.
If I were merely his friend, I would say, "what the hell are you doing to yourself by even considering it to be a distant possibility." But, I love him, and understand that it's complicated.

He said to me, "It wasn't a pity call, when I called you the other day and said I wasn't ready to talk, but I knew you'd be missing me. It was like this: say you had just gotten home from a really long day at work, and all you wanted to do was to sit in the easy chair with your feet up, but your son has a game, so you get out of the chair and go to the game to show your love."
"Oh." was my response. I hadn't considered it from that stance.

We talked about the answers that we get from God, he was told over and over again that the kid was not his. But it in fact is. So how does that work?  It wasn't the end of the sentence, and he never questioned. Why? Because his mind wasn't ready for the answer. "We are only given the answers that our minds are ready to handle."

So how does that play into his answer regarding me? "She is not for you." Same voice.
When I heard that he accepted this as fact, I flipped out because I wasn't told the same thing. So, I questioned God. "What the hell?" And he told me, that there is a "yet" at the end of the sentence. Because he can't do this right now. He's not ready.
And I know this to be a fact.
But where does this leave me? What is my role in the meantime? Or is it actually a meantime? I have never been given only part of the answer before, but of course it's possible. Maybe that was the answer I needed for my reality.
I needed to learn about relationships, how to do them, how not to do them, how to love with everything that you are, and what you need in response. These are all things I've learned an am learning. Things that most kids these days learn because they have boyfriends at 13. I'm 30. I obviously can learn things way better than a 13 year old, but still.
So either way, I have no regrets. This is an important learning experience in my life.
But see, I can't dwell on my answer either. Because if I do, I hesitate to choose things, because I wonder if they are the right choices to fall in line with that plan. But that's me trying to be in control again. "Into your hands I commend my spirit."

breaking point

I think I'm reaching mine. I've never hit it before, so I can't say for certain. I think it will be determined tomorrow night, following a conversation with the boy.  I talked to him briefly today, it'd been almost a week again.
The parts that I took away from the conversation were that he's been talking to his exwife every day, about the baby, but talking to her. Where as, it's too difficult for him to talk to me, he needs his alone time. 
So I'm having to face the fact of not being needed, or wanted at this point. How does one go from "perfect, like you were made for me" to just another friend that you keep in contact with infrequently?
I am so lost. I don't know what to do.
I don't think I am capable of being "just" friends, and that being basically a facebook friend who catches up every once in a while.
I can't do a one way relationship/friendship again. I always find myself in them. It's not healthy.  It hurts me so much that they don't care, really. I hate that I'm always not worth it. I hate that they never care more about me than they do themselves. I hate that I love so deeply and no one wants it, except for a short time while they're lonely.
Do I continue on? Or sever ties?
The problem being- I love him with every bit of me. But if I'm not anything to him anymore, I have to stop. I don't want to, but, it is what needs to happen if that is the case. 
So today I'm feeling pain and despair. I don't know what to do.

chameleons and being lost

I went through my car yesterday emptying it out of all its contents. In my car, I had stashed away 13 different notebooks that I have written in over the past few years. This is only one collection. I have another collection in my parents basement, I have another up in Ohio at my brothers house. They're everywhere. But, I was reading things I had written. One notebook had some things I had written when I was 19 or twenty. One bit stuck out to me. "Does everyone feel alone in their own heads? Like there is no one they can fully be themselves around for fear of their true thoughts being ostracized?
I find myself not telling the whole of what I'm thinking, and it varies person to person."
I realized several months ago my chameleon nature, and I've been trying to be as real as possible.  But what is real? Real has been defined by who I'm around my whole life.  Every bit is real, but it looks different depending on who you're standing next to.
I messaged the unicorn about it. He was always telling me "just be yourself!" and I never understood why. Of course I'm always myself.  But I have this tendency to be whoever the people around me need me to be.  Or at least, who I think they need me to be. Around my family, I'm strong and capable. I can solve any problems. I'm responsible and dependable.  At work I take care of everything. The shift runs smoothly, I put out all fires, I make things happen. Things start to get bogged down, I unbog them. People are unhappy, I smile at them and make them better. 
With my friends, I'm religious or not depending on their point of view. There is a core of truth that I adhere to, but what it looks like is easily meshable with anything, at least on the outside.
I tend to always put the other person first, which is all well and good, except I am finding that if it goes too far, like it always does- I always care more than the other person.
I was reading things I had written about Ayyoub. How detached I made myself be because I knew while he cared about me, he didn't love me more than he loved himself.  The same with Luke. Maybe even Micah too. Though it hurts me to say that. He told me in February that he could hardly handle being a friend let alone more than that. I didn't believe him, because I had no evidence of it. I could see how much he cared about me.  There was a solid couple weeks of spiritual and emotional intimacy even with the distance, and then the switch was flipped and it was over. And I'm left wondering where I stand. Even my best friend persona is mia.  I pray it doesn't last, because he is my best friend, and I want him in my life. He is going through so much right now, that I understand why I am not on his list. It just hurts, because he is my list.
This is not to say I don't have my own life going on. I do. I cannot put my life on hold because things are not going like I thought. I'm working doubles, I'm saving money, I'm in two weddings, I'm going to Britain. When I come back, I have no idea what I'll be doing or where I'll be. That remains to be seen.
The feelings are still stashed away nice and tight. No one knows they are there. Yesterday was a little rough, just in that in cleaning out my car I found one of his guitar picks, and then when I was going through the notebooks I found my wallet sized picture of us, the extra one from the one I gave him before I left. It tore at my heart a bit, but I swallowed it and moved on.
Sigh.

I can breathe again

Yesterday after I got off work, I went over to see the family. I hadn't seen them since Tuesday morning, when I went over to grab a couple bites of leftovers for breakfast. They were all super happy to see me. I made one of my sisters sit on my back to crack it- and it's been better ever since.
The boss at the deli gave me $60 to go buy new shoes. I don't want new shoes, I just need to wear the ones I usually wear. I'm actually scared of wearing different shoes. I wore the flats the one day, and tried to be super helpful the next by wearing my sneakers- epic fail on all counts.  Oh well. I'm grateful for her concern.

He finally called last night. I chattered incessantly about my week at first, rushing through all the stories, like I tend to do especially when uncomfortable.
Then he said he was sorry that I was the thing that got cut out. He told me some of the stories that have happened lately, but he's still drained. Still unsure of which end is up.  He told me at one point "I think your prophetic dream is actually happening."  I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating for a solid minute. I didn't know which dream he was referring to. It started beating again when he explained further that it looks like he actually might wind up getting full custody of the baby.  That's fine. I seriously dream about taking care of this child all the time. I don't know.

I was thinking more on my relationship with God once we got off the phone and I tried to go back to sleep. I wonder if God feels the void like I felt without Micah talking to me. Obviously he's not plagued by insecurities like me, but what about the void? Curious.

Today and tomorrow off of work. And all has been righted in my world. I can breathe.

love

read a couple random things on love today. I figured I'd shared them here so I'd remember them.

"Love is So Overrated

I was once asked to meet with a 14 year-old boy who had recently tried to commit suicide. When I met with the kid in the hospital psyche ward he seemed surprisingly relaxed and casual, but starting a conversation with him proved difficult.
I’d ask him questions and he’d reply with vague, one-word answers. After several vain attempts to get him to open up, he finally told me: “Why don’t you just go home? The chaplain was here already.”
“Oh? What did the chaplain say?” I asked.
“Eh, I don’t know. Something stupid,” he replied.
Now I was intrigued. “What did he say?” I pressed curiously.
“The chaplain said I shouldn’t kill myself, because G-d loves me.”
“I agree,” I said. “That really is stupid. What’s to love?”
This got the kid’s attention. “So what’s your point?” he asked.

 “G-d created you,” I explained. “Therefore, you are obviously necessary. You’re a part of G-d’s divine plan. An integral piece of the puzzle. He needs you to do something so that the world can become complete. You were created with a purpose toward bringing about the ultimate fruition of G-d’s plan. But love you? Why should He love you?”
“Well what if I don’t want to do what G-d created me for?” he challenged.
“You have free choice so you can choose to do what He wants or not, but at least now you’re taking a position.”
On my way home I thought about what the boy said. The kid is right. If he tries to kill himself, it’s because he doesn’t think he’s necessary. After all, the kid didn’t have an especially hard life. He came from a decent family. But he doesn’t think he’s necessary so he doesn’t see the point in going on living.
So, to come along and tell him: ‘Oh, but G-d loves you’ makes G-d sound foolish. What’s to love if I’m not even necessary?

Children don’t want to hear from parents that they are simply loved, but not needed. Nobody wants to hear that. This kind of love is similar to the kind of love one might have for a cute little gerbil or a puppy. ‘Aw, you’re so cute. I love you.’ No one wants to be ‘cute’ or ‘cherished.’ We want to be needed and necessary. We want to matter. Our existence has to make a difference.
Being necessary is what gives us a purpose. If I’m not important, I cannot function no matter how much you love me. And the more you love me, the more foolish you seem.

If you’re necessary and needed, you’ll find the love. If you’re just loved, you’re a gerbil.
Therefore, the message to our children has to be:
You are necessary. You have a purpose. You are an indispensable part of a vast, eternal plan and what you do matters. You can either make the world or break the world depending on your choices.
Do I love you? Right now, I need you and that is much more important."


I can totally identify with this. This is what changed when Micah started saying I love you, and I told him he didn't mean it. I became the gerbil.
That's why I'm having such a time with this week of him not talking to me. I need him, but am not needed. Therefore- I have to not need him either, and that breaks my heart.  I think I just need clarity as to why, at this point. He's busy with his family, and adjusting to new life back home- whereas my life remains- but with a void. It's no wonder he doesn't miss me. And I hate that I have this void.
But no one can see it. I'm a brilliant faker. 


I was thinking about God today. I haven't talked to God since all this happened. I don't seem to have anything to say. It makes me wonder. There are two life paths ahead of me, one will probably have a lot of fleeting joys, the other fulfillment but not as much excitement. Always with the choices.

pain

I'm not certain if I have ever been in more pain in my entire life. My knee pre surgery was pretty bad.  Post-first kickboxing lesson, I couldn't walk properly... but this is so much worse. As in, I'd have to hold my breath in order to stand, otherwise I would cry and/or pass out. If I was walking or carrying something, it would be halfway okay, but standing I would feel the blood leave my face- and I would have to take a deep breath and just hold it. Luckily I can talk and slowly exhale at the same time. I don't think any of my tables noticed.
I was fine until about 1 this afternoon, and then it just said no. The heat that is radiating from my back is insane. So, that's been a solid 8 hours on my feet in the most pain I can remember being in. Crazy.
Going to try to sleep for a few hours before my 8 hour shift tomorrow. I get Monday and Tuesday off. I'll be okay. I hope. :-p

it seems to be working

the no feelings thing. It's like I shoved them all in the corner and covered them with a tarp. So at work, it's as though nothing is wrong. But deep down inside, as I stand there slicing tomatoes, I'm overanalyzing everything even still. Did I say too much, is that why? Did I not let him have his space? Do I simply care too much? I hope he's happy. I wonder if I ever  cross his mind.  Maybe he needs to forget about me. I hope not. Maybe that's what he decided. How can you tell someone not to contact you? What if something happened? I don't understand. Yes, yes I do. God damn it all to hell. Things can never be simple. Oh god, I miss him so much.---- and yes, these are the stream of thoughts that run through my head. And yes, obviously I know I'm a crazy person.

He reached out today and called while I was at work, leaving me a voicemail that said that he wasn't ready to talk, but if I needed to talk, he might be available, but he was playing at open mic night. Dude, if you're not ready to talk, you're not ready. I'm not forcing you. Do you not understand that I love you at least that much?  And, if you don't want to talk to me, I certainly don't want to talk to you. Nothing kills the soul more than talking to the one you love, and that person not actually wanting to talk to you too.



Both jobs seem to be going alright now that the air is clear. I can do this. It helped that I slept for 12 hours yesterday. I got home from work around 5, and slept until almost 6 this morning. My back has been in spasms since lunch time. I had to change my shoes at work, and therefore my entire outfit. haha. I was wearing a skirt and flats at first, but that was a mistake, flats on concrete standing still- not a good choice. So I had to switch to socks and shoes, but that wasn't going to match the skirt :-p so I had to change to pants also- all because of back spasms. I had to hold my breath while mopping in order to hold my muscles in their proper place. I was dying. They let me out 10 minutes early, so I went outside and laid on the picnic table to relax my back- which helped for a little bit. 2nd shift was a little rough, but since I had changed my shoes life was a thousand times better. Now as I finally relax, it feels like my heart is beating in my back. You've got 7 hours to rest, and then 16 more hours to go before another rest.

the saga continues

I had another long talk with the boss as soon as I got there to work today. Suffice to say, that one was a little rough too. Luckily I had my conclusions from this morning to roll with. No more being ruled by feelings. They're turned off.  She told me not to forget that I'm human. I didn't tell her that I'm an alien. She doesn't need to know that. :-p
So today I've been pretty good. They let me off work early today, so I could've gone down to work a shift at the Dunes, but I think sleep is a better option. It helps with turning off feelings, and continuing after that turning point. Yes, I may have done this before.
The thing is, I may cope with external change pretty well, especially if it's a problem that needs solved. However, if it's human interactions- change in relationships that is not for the better is incomprehensible to me, and I tend to lose my shit. Even between my dad and my brother(s). Most recently, I did it to Mike when he ended things with me, and I feel really bad about it. So I have no intention of doing it again.
I just know that things are never going back to the way they were. Each day that passes makes it just a little bit easier to not have the other person in your life, until you only think of them occasionally. I've experienced this time and again.  Maybe I'm still overreacting, I don't know. My experiences are the only thing I have to draw from. 

So my schedule looks like it's going to be half days on Sunday and Tuesday, and off on Mondays, and the rest 16 hour days. 8 weeks. No sweat. (I might die.)

It's not personal

It's not? Are you sure? It feels like it. I'm going to have to hide him on facebook. Seeing him communicating with everyone in that arena- more so than usual- it makes it feel personal. I'm suddenly the one he can't handle talking to, when that used to be reversed.
I have to shut down, again. I feel like a bitchy teenager. I don't want to be that person.  I can fake it. I've been practicing on being real, but, who knows, maybe that's just been another form of faking it. 
Does this mean I should fake it for the last 8 weeks at the deli?  I don't know if I can.
I asked my other coworkers at the deli if they felt the same way as the boss. They all said no. I didn't think that they did. This is so out of left field, I don't understand it at all. If I quit, that's saying goodbye to a guaranteed $2500 probably more.
I have a migraine.  I have to work in an hour. Can I just sleep instead? 


This may be the stupidest I've ever been. I have let feelings rule my life instead of my brain. I understand why he needs his space. I understand why he can talk to everyone else except for me. I understand.
I understand why the boss is reacting the way she is.
But here's the deal. I do have feelings, and they get hurt. But I cannot allow them to rule. They ruin my life.
How does one love completely without letting down the walls that the brain must put up to keep the emotions from taking over what makes sense? I don't know the answer to that. I know just the other day I said the day would come when selfishness would win out. Obviously it happened.  I cannot be that person.

I sobbed

Too many pent up emotions from yesterday. This morning my boss told me to come outside with her, she needed to speak today. She told me that I create a unpleasant and occasionally hostile work environment because I tend to be stern, and always about work. "It's supposed to be a fun place to work."  I don't chatter, and I don't chat about my life. I'm a pretty private person. I'm sorry that I'm at work to work. The clincher was the part where she told me, that if I wasn't such a hard worker she'd tell me not to come back. I very nearly told her to take the job and shove it. She's supposed to be my friend. It was at least a 30 minute talk, and then I sat outside sobbing for another 10, tried to go back inside, couldn't. Took at least another 5 minutes to calm down. All because the new guy thinks I hate him. I just can't. And I couldn't talk to my best friend about it. And that was rotten.

I think I'm not going to work there. I can't. I can't do the 80 hours a week again, it's stressing me out and today was the first day. 16 hours without sitting down. 30 hours without eating. I just can't.

I just don't have the wherewithal. It's gone.

let me reiterate. I hate my dreams.

I told him I would be fine if it ever came down to this. I genuinely thought that I would be. But the proceeding events leading up to it, I am having a really hard time being true to my word.
I'm feeling extremely irrational, exceedingly pessimistic, and broken- which is all completely over reactionary. The words, "I need some time, please don't contact me at all." and then, "it's not personal" and ends with "I love you". but yet I feel broken. I know rationally that I shouldn't. 5 months of every day communication... why do I doubt even still?
Because I have stupid dreams, because it's a certain time of the month, because I'm jealous of everyone else that has gotten to be a part of his physical life for the past 2 months, because I would go to the ends of the earth for him, and mostly because I have fought wars in my sleep and am just exhausted.  So, today I am broken.
Tomorrow starts my 80 hours of work, so I will be able to tell myself not to miss him until May. No promises after may 10th.

I hate dreams

Maybe that's why I've hated the fact that I've been dreaming so much after coming back here. There tends to be a layer of truth to my dreams, so it's impossible to tell what part is going to come true and which part is just a dream.
The other night I had some pretty intense dreams. All about fighting and love being the weapon that could end it all. Very legit. I didn't really dream last night, because I was hardly sleeping. Micah was driving through the night to meet up with his exwife for the paternity test. So, I'd doze on and off sending him a couple texts just to make sure he was awake and doing alright.  After he finally got there, I fell asleep and dreamed. I dreamed of he and her riding bikes through the park, totally happy together. So I switched dreams, and had a stress work dream. I was at the Dunes, there were scheduling conflicts, I was doing everything... so I woke myself up again. I looked at my phone, I have a text from Patrick (from the Dunes) he's telling me my schedule, and as I read it, I realize that there are going to be scheduling conflicts for real.
So, yesterday, I played the part of the supportive best friend. "No matter what, it's going to turn out great." I kept telling him. Today though, today I know it will be fine for him, but for me, that is still up in the air. He told me the other day that I can't be scared of loosing him. But, I am, deep down. That's why I'm afraid of him choosing someone else, because, I know, that is the point where I say goodbye.
The unselfishness demanded by love, true love, is so easy, yet some days, so incredibly hard. I haven't failed yet, but I'm sure I will at some point. And that's scary too.
Apparently my faith is lacking today, and I don't know why. Maybe it was the wars of the nights the past 2 nights. I felt myself on the winning side, but not absolutely victorious.
I am crazy. I know.

the power of words

I fell asleep so early last night, just  a little after 8pm- just have been exhausted for the last few  days.  I startled myself awake at midnight with the thought "I never said goodnight to Micah!"  Probably because it's a habit... it's like when you remember "shit, I left the light on in the shop after I left!" as you fall asleep. This was just backwards and woke me up.
His response was hurtful. He didn't mean it to be, but it was. "You could go several days without talking to me. I would live."
I was given two options for how to handle this. 1; I embrace the hurt and lash out and take a couple days to not talk to him and see how that goes. 2; I talk to him about it, and be able to go back to sleep- returned to harmony.
Option 1 is me loving myself more. It's placing my pride and my hurt above anything else.
Option 2 is me humbling myself, acknowledging his reality.
I chose love.

We talked on the phone for two hours. Mostly about this relationship/friendship we have. He's so worried that I will ignore anyone else who comes along that could love me better than him.  I don't know if that's the case. I've always moved on from guys after they chose someone else, or told me they could not choose me because there was something more important in their lives, and I had no place. Daniel, Kyle, Ricky, Ayyoub, Luke, Mike....
I've always had the defense mechanism in place "My guy doesn't exist, he died as a child." :p which might be terrible, but supposed to be funny. Just because everyone around me was dating, getting married, and there I am, single- perpetually so. Because that's so weird in this society, I had to come up with some way to not need anyone else. He doesn't exist, so I have to be okay alone. And not only okay, but thrive. 
And so I have. I am okay alone. I have always just wanted that best friend who loved me who wanted to adventure and do life with me. That is the relationship I wanted. And I have that. It might not look like I thought it would, but I'm not complaining. I am happy. I love completely. I am loved. Will it forever be enough? I don't know. I assume so because it is now.  But this is a one day at a time thing because this is outside of my control.

We also talked at length, well, more I listened, as he talked about his exwife and the child. He thinks he's over her, but she has such power over him. It breaks my heart to see the pain she inflicts, the anger, the despair.  The seas of life were calming down, and then here she comes and suddenly he's treading water instead of floating as waves crash all around him. But this is his.
Maybe he'll choose her again, even though she says it's not on the table. Then he and I will go our separate ways, because there is no way to maintain the level of emotional and spiritual intimacy that we have if there is someone else in the picture that you're supposed to be sharing that with.
I hope he doesn't though. I feel like it would be disastrous for who he is as a person. That his dream of "oh, so this is what it's supposed to be like" will never come to pass.

One day at a time. I choose love.   

love, trusting, and healing hearts

As each day progresses, I keep getting into conversations involving trusting God with our lives, loving truly and completely- no reservations and what that looks like in individual lives.
I'm still learning myself, but these conversations are ones for me to share what I've been learning.

In my life: I have to learn when to say things and when not to say things. The other night we had said our goodnights, I put the phone down and turned over... and then got another text "I LOVE YOU!!!"  Riding high on the endorphins from that, the next morning as I sat at the beach, I made a heart in the sand and wrote "I love you" in it, with an "R+M " Very 12 years old, but I thought it was funny, took a picture of it, and sent it to him in an email.
But, that was too much for him that day. Not that he told me it was, I had to ask. But, had I waited to see how he was doing that morning, I would've known not to send it. I don't want him to just accept it and ignore it, because it's me and I'm in love with him. On the flip side though, I'm not going to deny that I love him. You have to be true to yourself, but perceptive enough to read and write the love languages of the one you're communicating with.
I'm still learning.

I shared a little of that lesson with a mutual friend of ours, not using that example, just the moral of the story. She's 19, and is emotionally unstable. She wants to love, but has had no good example of that in her life, only manipulations and angst- so she does the same. It's not how to make it last.  I wish I could steal her away and show her what I've learned.

My friend Renee has also been on an interesting journey. We worked together briefly a couple years ago and stayed in on/off again communication. Now though it's been frequent... she refocusing her life on God, she's dealing with issues from her baby's daddy- he's been mia for the past 3 months...so she's trying to figure out what to do as far as child support/custody goes.  It's an area of her life she is trying too hard to control, she can't control him, or the situation. So, I shared with her my discoveries of letting go and trusting God.
There is a line between what we must do ourselves, and the things we can't. Those we shouldn't stress over.

I'm exhausted. Sharing so much- pouring in to other people's lives is exhausting. It's wonderful, I love that I make a difference, and that my words get through. However, if this is the path being written for me, I need to find a way to recharge. And it can't be dependent on another person. Right now, to be honest, I am dependent on Micah for that. Talking to him refreshes my spirit. When he does or says things that show that he loves me, my soul fills up instantly to overflowing- then I pour it out on those in need around me. But, I feel like it's wrong to depend on him for that. What if he's not there? What if he stops loving me? I have experienced God's love through him. I know that when I experience the magic of God, the same overflowing happens, so it's easy to think of them as one thing, because for me, right now, they are. God is showering me with love through the words and actions of Micah. And if there comes a day when he can no longer, God will use another person, place or thing to fill me up. Well, now that I got that figured out. :)

trust

It's funny, really. I'm okay about this new development for the most part. The only reason that I'm not completely okay with it were the words "what if God wants us to get back together? that would be such a testimony." He wasn't talking about me.  She doesn't make him be a better person. She tears him down. She makes him doubt his manhood. She selfishly requires too much from him without giving in return. She has no concept of love.
He doesn't necessarily want to get back with her, but the idea is still there. He doesn't want her to think that he's moved on completely.
She was his wife, but why?!  He had a dream the other day about kissing someone else and waking up with the feeling "oh, so this is what it is supposed to be like". That's what I want for him.

But here's the deal. God said "trust me", so I say "fine." None of this is mine to worry about or control. I am his best friend who loves him more than anything else in the world, so I will be there for him the moment he needs it, but this is his.

I just want to throw up

Today, started off great. I went down to The Dunes, and have my old job back with them for the next 9 weeks. Two jobs starting next week. It'll only be 8 weeks of misery, I can do it. I need the extra money. They were so happy to have me back, which of course, I was super surprised about. I didn't really leave on the best of terms.  There was a lot of backbiting that went on. Sigh.  Part of me can't believe that I'm going back. But, I know it, I'm good at it, and it's only 8 weeks.
I went over to the family's house and talked to them for awhile- saw my littlest brothers' girlfriend who just got into town. That was fun, but I decided I needed a day to rest. So I went on an adventure. I took the trail back in nags head woods to the sound and laid there. Did a little writing. Got a little sun. Listened to the waves lap the shore, the birds chirp in the trees, bull frogs croak, and the wind rustle through the grasses.
Then I got a phone call. He heard from his exwife. She is under the impression that the child she recently had is his. He doesn't believe that he is the father, but that doesn't make the confusion less. He's mostly over her, but not quite.
Personally, everything I've been told about her, I know she's a terrible person.  I hope she gets better, but I don't want her to hurt him anymore. I don't want her to get under his skin. The power she still has to get him worked up. She hurts him and there's nothing I can do.
He told me today that I hurt him once, unintentionally with the things I said.  It was a conversation I had with my mother about him, talking about how smart he is. I said not math or words, but like practical things, he can build anything out of nothing. But his dream is to be a singer/songwriter and he writes songs all the time, so he picked up on the "not words" part. I didn't mean that he wasn't good with words, he is. He talks way better that I do.  I have trouble communicating sometimes, but he doesn't. I admire him for that so much. All I meant was that he's really good at building and creating things. But his reality heard the negative and it actually made him unable to write for a month. My words did that. It kills me.

just exhausted

Not enough sleep lately. And I'm still dreaming all the time.
Some days the let go is harder than others, yesterday I failed at that. I paid for it. Some days there's boundaries, some days there's not, yesterday I was too asleep to notice until too late. Then I couldn't fall back to sleep because of that knowledge.
Yesterday's dream had to do with him- some woman who struggled with the same social anxiety stuff that he does was giving a retreat on some island, so I was trying to go to it so I could tell him how she solved her issues. And I bought a super sexy dress. haha. So that was one dream. Then last nights was all about the atchafalya basin. We were in a small boat exploring it. He was showing off his alligators. I woke up still trying to pronounce it correctly. My brain instinctively wants to say it wrong so I have to concentrate each time.
Sigh. 
I get used to the high level of emotional and spiritual intimacy that we have, so sometimes I forget it's unsustainable at this point, it's still in flux.

I need sleep.

Can I come home yet?

"Not yet, Yvette, there's still much to do." (haha. Kids book from my childhood.)
but, the answer is appropriate. I don't know why some moments are worse than others. Too much emotional highs for the last few weeks, gotta throw a good cry in there somewhere  just to balance out.
My life is insane.  I've had 3 people from my past crawl out of the woodwork to apologize for the way they treated me in the past. They all effectively ended our friendships. One when I was 15, one when I was 25, the catalyst for the more to the beach, and the other last year. Crazy... all these apologies within like 10 days!!
I wonder if it's because I have scars from them, and you don't really get closure until fault gets admitted, much as you try to forgive, it's still just a bandage. The one from 15 years ago was a forgotten bandage, but still something that had effected my life profoundly.
So much going on. I'm so not in control, and it's turning out to be so magical. One step at a time.

the little things

He does these little things that have the terrible wonderful effect of making me love him even more. It's hard. I didn't realize it was possible, and then when these things happen, the wellspring of love I have for him just overflows.
The other day after not talking on the phone for a couple days, he calls me. He pointed out that he'd rummaged through his jeep just to find his headphones so that he could talk to me on the phone, without getting frustrated 15 minutes in by his inability to hear me.
Yesterday, he told me all about this married woman who is crushing on him, to the point of reading her texts to me. The level of honesty there...
As he was leaving for Louisiana tonight, he got a call from a potential buyer for the tiny house. He called me directly afterwards to ask my opinion on what he should do.
There are times that I doubt his love, because I am unaccustomed to reciprocal affection. So, it blows me away when I see it in action. How much greater can the love I feel for him grow? How is even possible when there is no one I love more, and I love him with every fiber of my being?

So March begins

10 more weeks until my last day of work. I think. Potentially. See, the funny thing is, Colorado is looking like it's off the table, the wedding out there I mean. So I'm going to have to make some changes to my itinerary. I might have to go out there this next week to rescue my best friend, we'll see. If that's the case, it might change everything. Which I don't mind, it's just change. It's funny, I very nearly bought my plane ticket the night before she told me about the probable postponement/off the table of the wedding.

I talked to Micah for several hours last night, which was refreshing. He told me about this married woman that's been flirting with him, and about a dream he had. It revealed to me more areas in which I need to let go... the "what if he chooses someone else" would at this point rip out my soul. In the twisted psyche, it means that I was in fact not perfect, not awesome and amazing. But just another mediocre, and not good enough. Which is messed up, I'm aware.
It's not even on the table at this point, so it's really moot. Just an observation that I need to work on.