Do you ever have those moments where in you just achingly miss someone, so you relive a memory even though you know it will hurt? That promise of future that turned to naught. I'm sure for good cause, but sometimes the memory of the hope and joy that was so beautiful at the time... sometimes you miss it.
"I don't want nobody
You lift me up
Two more minutes
And I'll be there
Filling my empty head
With pictures of you bare
A breath to take home with me
Take your oxygen
Slowly while you breathe
And all the days in between
You're still my drug of choice
The figure of my dreams
And though we wait for now
Even through the noise
I feel you somehow
I don't want nobody else
You lift me off of the ground
I want you all to myself
Please don't ever let me down
Two more minutes
And I won't care
That I broke my back today
Where all my people stare
'Cause once I get you in my arms
The ice will start to break
The day will fade away
I don't want nobody else
You lift me off of the ground
I want you all to myself
Please don't ever let me down
And all the days in between
You're still my drug of choice
The figure of my dreams
I don't want nobody else
You lift me off of the ground
I want you all to myself
Please don't ever let me down
I don't want nobody else
You lift me off of the ground
I want you all to myself
Please don't ever let me down"
-2 more minutes Jaymes Young
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
You just have to laugh
Otherwise bitterness might set in. I am starting to realize the people in this town are not my people. I'm not saying they don't exist, but, the overwhelming majority of them are too open minded for me. When someone says they want a monogamous relationship, but follow it with, having other people involved would be fun too- I'm pretty sure that no longer qualifies as monogamous.
The people tend to be very liberal, which I tend to be also- but mine falls under the category of live and let live. Not exploration of any and all possibilities.
I actually never knew, this whole time, that monogamy was dying out. I've lived in the south and Midwest too long, I guess.
I deleted my match.com and other accounts that I was trying to meet people by using. I just can't. It's exhausting. It's just been the same story time and again. I've been out with 5? guys, and all the same story and talked to dozens more that didn't make it past the initial screening.
I am realizing about myself that I really don't actually want a guy. The idea is nice. Having someone to cuddle up to is amazing. But in all practicality, I'm lost. Why would I try to find someone else to join me in that. If I had a direction and found someone heading in that same direction, that would be one thing-but floating aimlessly is another thing altogether.
I'm having so many thoughts these days. I'm in the middle of a huge post that's turning into quite the story. I thought it was merely going to be a couple paragraphs. But I also find myself numbing my mind with entertainment. I haven't focused too much on the things I wanted to accomplish. I'm allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by life. It's as though I'm floating, but not peacefully. My mind is racing. The serenity that should be there is absent.
I am calm outwardly, but the internal zen is not yet achieved.
What is real? What is true? Where is my place? I'm not living in the past or in the future, but there is a general discontent over the present. As though it is stagnant.
I miss having direction. I miss having someone who understands. God damn. And I hate that it has affected me this much.
The people tend to be very liberal, which I tend to be also- but mine falls under the category of live and let live. Not exploration of any and all possibilities.
I actually never knew, this whole time, that monogamy was dying out. I've lived in the south and Midwest too long, I guess.
I deleted my match.com and other accounts that I was trying to meet people by using. I just can't. It's exhausting. It's just been the same story time and again. I've been out with 5? guys, and all the same story and talked to dozens more that didn't make it past the initial screening.
I am realizing about myself that I really don't actually want a guy. The idea is nice. Having someone to cuddle up to is amazing. But in all practicality, I'm lost. Why would I try to find someone else to join me in that. If I had a direction and found someone heading in that same direction, that would be one thing-but floating aimlessly is another thing altogether.
I'm having so many thoughts these days. I'm in the middle of a huge post that's turning into quite the story. I thought it was merely going to be a couple paragraphs. But I also find myself numbing my mind with entertainment. I haven't focused too much on the things I wanted to accomplish. I'm allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by life. It's as though I'm floating, but not peacefully. My mind is racing. The serenity that should be there is absent.
I am calm outwardly, but the internal zen is not yet achieved.
What is real? What is true? Where is my place? I'm not living in the past or in the future, but there is a general discontent over the present. As though it is stagnant.
I miss having direction. I miss having someone who understands. God damn. And I hate that it has affected me this much.
Monday, October 19, 2015
What am I looking for?
The question my brain is asking on repeat. Why am I here in Seattle? What is this journey I'm on? What am I looking for? Why is there all of a sudden a good man in my life? He is a good one, and I'm so accustomed to not having to delve very deep in the realness of what could become a relationship. I don't even have any idea what I'm looking for. I don't know the path I want to walk down. I don't know the path I'm meant to lead. Besides the good, true, loyal part of this guy, he's not what I would've picked on paper. Our lifestyle differences are extreme. But I see his heart and see something that could be beautiful. Is that enough? I don't know. Would I be content to stay? I don't know.
I think it's time to try some other new things. Tomorrow research begins. Pottery classes for real. Wise woman classes (basically they learn and teach ancient remedies for healing and life from the plants in the area). I want to be more. Stagnant is boring, and I can't just go through the motions of life.
What does this mean as far as having a guy in my life? I don't know. I'm the type to sacrifice my inclinations for the benefit of those I love. But I must be true to myself first. I don't want to lead, and I don't want to follow- but a partner would be nice.
But then again, I'm awfully content on my own too.
Have you ever gotten lost? I feel like I'm lost in the forest. I have no idea what direction is out, so to swallow my panic, I focus on the flower that blooms at the foot of the tree. The mushrooms that grow by the rock. The sunlight that streams through the branches. The squirrel that runs ahead of me. And that is how I feel.
I think it's time to try some other new things. Tomorrow research begins. Pottery classes for real. Wise woman classes (basically they learn and teach ancient remedies for healing and life from the plants in the area). I want to be more. Stagnant is boring, and I can't just go through the motions of life.
What does this mean as far as having a guy in my life? I don't know. I'm the type to sacrifice my inclinations for the benefit of those I love. But I must be true to myself first. I don't want to lead, and I don't want to follow- but a partner would be nice.
But then again, I'm awfully content on my own too.
Have you ever gotten lost? I feel like I'm lost in the forest. I have no idea what direction is out, so to swallow my panic, I focus on the flower that blooms at the foot of the tree. The mushrooms that grow by the rock. The sunlight that streams through the branches. The squirrel that runs ahead of me. And that is how I feel.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
The funny thing about magic...
As you know I play with magic. The magic of joy, peace, and harmony. Occasionally I try to fit love in, and it doesn't usually end well for me. The hurricane blows through my heart and cracks my foundations. I weld and super glue it back to where it's supposed to be as best I can. It doesn't usually take long because I will not be left in a damaged house. The door to the room of the one who called the hurricane was shut and sealed, as the others before him. And, I leave my heart wide open to potentials.
A new one has come along. He's scared of stepping into my house. He thinks I might be dangerous. What if I am? Could I become a hurricane under the right conditions?
The problem with knowing I wield magic, is that I know I can cause havoc, because most people have never met anyone like me. But then if they partially invest, they tend to withdraw, saying that my worth is too high. Priceless is too much of an investment.
So with this one I am being careful. Sharing my magic, but not asking anything in return. I am ever lost myself. Inviting someone to join you when you have no plan or direction, yet continuing to move forward on faith, this is too much to ask. If they offer, that's another story altogether. We shall see.
A new one has come along. He's scared of stepping into my house. He thinks I might be dangerous. What if I am? Could I become a hurricane under the right conditions?
The problem with knowing I wield magic, is that I know I can cause havoc, because most people have never met anyone like me. But then if they partially invest, they tend to withdraw, saying that my worth is too high. Priceless is too much of an investment.
So with this one I am being careful. Sharing my magic, but not asking anything in return. I am ever lost myself. Inviting someone to join you when you have no plan or direction, yet continuing to move forward on faith, this is too much to ask. If they offer, that's another story altogether. We shall see.
Monday, October 12, 2015
the story of the heart
My heart is like a bungalow on the beach. There are no windows or even doors. There are screens to keep the mosquitos out though. ;-) The love and joy my heart feels is easily shared and witnessed by all who pass by. In this house there are many rooms for all those that I love. It's like the Tardis, you look on it and it appears to be one size, but the inside is infinite. Most of the people that I love do not dwell in my bungalow. They pass in and out of my life. I keep their rooms clean for them, until their path brings them back to my beach and they need a place to stay. Sometimes though an occupant will put a door on their room and shut it before they leave. I have to close down the hatches to protect it from hurricanes and sands. It will always be there ready for them, but I do not open shut doors. My living area has none, and I will not dwell there.
I tried once, to not have a heart that functioned this way. Maybe I could put windows and doors up, but as I struggled to put them up, I realized I couldn't breathe. I couldn't hear the sounds of the waves and wind. The birds and the night creatures. My joy was locked out. So, I tore them down again. Hurricanes be damned. Sometimes they shake my foundation, sometimes it even cracks. But the raw power of it is still an experience worth having, and if it causes damage, I can always rebuild. There are times there are leaks that I don't know how to fix. In those cases I search for the answer and hope a master carpenter will come along to show me how. MacGyvering only hold it together for so long.
It's a beautiful place to dwell.
I tried once, to not have a heart that functioned this way. Maybe I could put windows and doors up, but as I struggled to put them up, I realized I couldn't breathe. I couldn't hear the sounds of the waves and wind. The birds and the night creatures. My joy was locked out. So, I tore them down again. Hurricanes be damned. Sometimes they shake my foundation, sometimes it even cracks. But the raw power of it is still an experience worth having, and if it causes damage, I can always rebuild. There are times there are leaks that I don't know how to fix. In those cases I search for the answer and hope a master carpenter will come along to show me how. MacGyvering only hold it together for so long.
It's a beautiful place to dwell.
Thursday, October 08, 2015
30
It's such a big number. A milestone of some sort. Telling stories, and realizing something was 20 years ago or more, is flabbergasting at times. 29 marked a year of extraordinary change for me. I made large steps to rewrite my life- so that it ends up better than the humdrum existence it was spelling out to be. I'm really looking forward to what this year is going to bring. Its many adventures, new friends and new places. :)
I am a bit bummed about the lack of sunrise this morning though, the clouds are all up in the way. :-p I think it's supposed to burn away at least somewhat today, so that would be good.
I'm taking my first ever pottery class today at 3. I'm super stoked about that. I've always wanted to try. yay :)
I am a bit bummed about the lack of sunrise this morning though, the clouds are all up in the way. :-p I think it's supposed to burn away at least somewhat today, so that would be good.
I'm taking my first ever pottery class today at 3. I'm super stoked about that. I've always wanted to try. yay :)
Friday, October 02, 2015
Seattle
So I'm currently at the HUGE public library that is in Seattle. It's got escalators. Do you know how happy this makes me?! :)
Its the first cloudy day here, and I surprisingly don't really mind it. It's chilly, drizzly, and cloudy. All things I despise, but today, I'm fine with it. Last night as I was exploring Fremont, I found my way down to the water. (As I tend to do.) There was a running/bicycle path there, that runs the length of Seattle, I've been told. As I strolled along the banks, I noticed a guy sitting on the edge, his bicycle parked by the tree. There was just something about him that made me want to say something, but, he didn't look up as I strolled by, so I kept walking.
I took some more pictures as I strolled, preparing for the travel blog that I will write this evening. As I made my way back the way I'd come, I sat on the edge of the canal a little way down from where the bike man was still sitting. After awhile of watching me write and take pictures, he made his way over to talk to me. We chatted about life and love. He has been with a girl for the last 7 years, but hasn't made the next step to marriage and children yet. He's yet standing on the fence. He has only horrible marriages to relate it to, and doesn't want to end up like his sister, divorced after a year. He, also, is uncertain of committing to just one girl for the rest of his life. So, I told him my perspective. 1, don't be scared of change. 2, if you're not excited about it, don't do it. 3, it's shitty to not want to commit to a girl that you love- because there are other fish in the sea. There will always be other fish in the sea. So, it's a choice.
I don't know. Why is this a thing? Every man I know- same thing. Why have one, when you can play with them all?
I met up with another guy for coffee this morning. It was probably one of the more intense dates I've ever been on. Too many questions! And the problem was, they should have been easy questions, favorites in music, concerts, movies, and tv shows. Traveling, life story stuff. But damn, I didn't have all the answers lined up. Favorite movie? Shit. I haven't seen a movie in months. TV show? Same deal- I hardly watch tv, ever!
The people around here kind of intimidate me. They're more athletic, more cultured, more earth centric. Probably because it's cool. But, it's city, so it's go go go all the time. Dude. Chill. hahaha.
I still don't know where my place is. Tomorrow I'm going to go out to the coast again. Apparently there is a rain forest between here and there, and I feel like that needs to be examined also. As well as hot springs. :) Sounds like a solid plan to me anyhow.
Its the first cloudy day here, and I surprisingly don't really mind it. It's chilly, drizzly, and cloudy. All things I despise, but today, I'm fine with it. Last night as I was exploring Fremont, I found my way down to the water. (As I tend to do.) There was a running/bicycle path there, that runs the length of Seattle, I've been told. As I strolled along the banks, I noticed a guy sitting on the edge, his bicycle parked by the tree. There was just something about him that made me want to say something, but, he didn't look up as I strolled by, so I kept walking.
I took some more pictures as I strolled, preparing for the travel blog that I will write this evening. As I made my way back the way I'd come, I sat on the edge of the canal a little way down from where the bike man was still sitting. After awhile of watching me write and take pictures, he made his way over to talk to me. We chatted about life and love. He has been with a girl for the last 7 years, but hasn't made the next step to marriage and children yet. He's yet standing on the fence. He has only horrible marriages to relate it to, and doesn't want to end up like his sister, divorced after a year. He, also, is uncertain of committing to just one girl for the rest of his life. So, I told him my perspective. 1, don't be scared of change. 2, if you're not excited about it, don't do it. 3, it's shitty to not want to commit to a girl that you love- because there are other fish in the sea. There will always be other fish in the sea. So, it's a choice.
I don't know. Why is this a thing? Every man I know- same thing. Why have one, when you can play with them all?
I met up with another guy for coffee this morning. It was probably one of the more intense dates I've ever been on. Too many questions! And the problem was, they should have been easy questions, favorites in music, concerts, movies, and tv shows. Traveling, life story stuff. But damn, I didn't have all the answers lined up. Favorite movie? Shit. I haven't seen a movie in months. TV show? Same deal- I hardly watch tv, ever!
The people around here kind of intimidate me. They're more athletic, more cultured, more earth centric. Probably because it's cool. But, it's city, so it's go go go all the time. Dude. Chill. hahaha.
I still don't know where my place is. Tomorrow I'm going to go out to the coast again. Apparently there is a rain forest between here and there, and I feel like that needs to be examined also. As well as hot springs. :) Sounds like a solid plan to me anyhow.
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