End of the Year

There's so many things to think about as this year draws to a close. This year was full of dissatisfaction, actually, and I'm sorry for that. It was a year that I felt most closed off and unhappy.  But at the same time, I made true difference in people's lives. I created a home that is filled with peace and love and good things to eat.
Danette told me today that this year she plans on getting back in the studio and really working on her pottery again to sell it. - That that is thanks to me basically forcing her out to do it when I bought a booth at a craft fair and made her sit there with her pottery.  I almost teared up when I read that. 
When I was young- I read this book called "Invitation to live" by Lloyd Douglas and it was about helping people- discovering their spark, and then the follow through of responsibility once you have brought their attention to that spark.   That with love- this is what we do for eachother- awaken eachothers divine spark and fan the flames to bring us closer to HIM.
I feel like that that is what has been being developed with Danette and I these past 3 years... who could have known at that first meeting how different our relationship would become- the lines life would travel.

I have slowly been developing a friendship with Ian, Micah's older brother, but it's hard. There's so many unknowns, should we just stay at acquaintance level, or, actually be real friends? If we should be real friends, at what level are we playing from?  Or is this me, taking on another project?

It's so weird, unless I really sit down and think things through, I'm fine, I'm all good. But then the more I think the more I freak myself out. What if I'm doing life all wrong?  What if I keep making a series of bad mistakes?

the day

Today is the day. The day that Micah marries someone else. I dreamt I was there at the wedding last night... hiding, trying my hardest to not be there. I just didn't want him to see me- he would be so angry.  Sigh.
And I woke up and looked at my facebook memories- it's still at the point where I lived with him 3 years ago- so today's memory was him and I making 50#'s of mashed potatoes for the community christmas dinner for people that couldn't afford one.  Why has he not deleted that memory yet? Sigh.
It's done and over with now. So there's that.


I decided to host a Christmas party for the kids at work.  We'll see how that goes. There's going to be a white elephant gift exchange- and food and a $50 give-a-way. I feel like that's appropriate. We'll see.  I have so much to do though, because Allie is moving tomorrow... so they're all coming for dinner tonight, but I have to be at choir practice at 6- and I have to make an oreo cheesecake.


Life is so weird. I'm so tired. I don't understand anything.

next steps

I kinda broke down yesterday when I realized fate had hit again. If you date me, you will find your mate directly after or during your time with me. I should offer it as a service.

There used to be days when I thought I knew what God was speaking. Do you know what I said 3 years ago? I said that God had told me that it was not about the destination, but the journey.  I have not succeeded in following that mandate.

I can't hear anything anymore. I don't know what step to take. I feel broken. Isolated. A shadow of my former self.  I feel like the magic got stolen from me and I can feel its presence no longer.

I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do.

The journey has halted and I am at a standstill. And this is a destination that sucks. In the middle of nowhere.

travels and a wedding

I drove to Colorado on Saturday after work to bring Eve and her baby up to Denver where I handed them off to her parents. I proceeded to go visit my littlest brother Ezra who has taken a job in Breckenridge for the next year. Running on zero sleep since Saturday morning at 5am- staying alive until 11pm on Sunday was a bit rough I can tell ya.  After I left him on Monday morning, I decided to drive down to Cripple Creek and say hi to everyone that I could down there. It ended up just being Cherry- but she was really happy to see me.  And she told me that Micah is getting married in 2 weeks.
Oh boy, what are you doing?
The poor thing is not in any better shape than he was when he was with me, and their whole relationship has been long distance. They'd known eachother when they were kids- so they think they know one another. But has he told her that touch feels like fire on his skin sometimes. Does she know that he wakes up crying after a night of love and there's nothing you can do about it?  Does she know that the compassion he hides away in his heart is reserved for only those he has deemed worthy these days?  That he has no patience for anything that doesn't directly involve him?   He is not better, so how could he do this to someone else?
The only thing, she has a daughter, and that might be the thing that saves his soul and brings him out of the darkness since the majority of the darkness is from the loss of his children.

My heart is disappointed. I ask God why, as I have every day for the past almost 3 years...

The sooner I accept that there is not a happily ever after waiting for me the more content I'll be, I just haven't been able to break away completely from it yet. I'm trying though.