a letter to an aquaintence

So I know this is really random hearing from me, since we’re mostly just acquaintances after all. But, I’m going through a pretty rough time, and I’m trying to process and figure out a plan for my life.

So I don’t know why you came to mind when trying to figure out what to do, but there you are. Maybe God knows you have expertise in this matter, or maybe He just wants me to share.

This is my story.

My background is quite unusual. I grew up in a family in which change was expected day to day. My parents became christians in their early twenties, met and married. They were involved in a Baptist-like church in texas that advocated family. When they got pregnant with my older brother they decided to go old-school. They had a midwife, birthed at home, decided to homeschool, my mom was a stay at home mom… while my dad worked.  Almost 2 years after they had my older brother, I was born,  and not long after that we moved from Texas. In the years after that, 7 more siblings were born and raised, and by the time I was done with highschool I had lived in 20 different states, and that wasn’t even counting the multiple in-state moves, or moves back to the same state.  People ask me all the time why we moved so much, mostly because my parents had no roots. My dad’s dad left him and his family when he was five and his mom was killed in a car accident before I turned 4. My mom’s dad committed suicide a short time after my mom got married, and my mom’s mom died by the time I was 3. So my dad always felt that our immediate family was the start of a new line. We were blown all over the states sometimes for work for my dad, sometimes for church reasons, once my dad felt called to minister to the native Americans.  We were never part of a church for very long, my dad always held such strong beliefs and was anti-church authority.

This all is supposed to convey one main message. Growing up- I was never part of a community.  It didn’t really bother me much, I was born at just the right time to get my socialization in through the internet if it wasn’t happening around me. 

I want to say I was 23 or 24 when I found Love Canton in Ohio and met the Schnabels. They were well-loved outsiders, didn’t quite fit in but everyone knew they were the coolest. :)
It was so hard for me to let down walls that had built up unknowingly, to let people into my life to actually commit to doing life with people outside of my own family.
I took a step of faith and for 6 months I lived on my own in a little apartment behind the Dueber House, a house that was occupied by a couple of the boys that were committed to bringing Jesus to the community. But then our leader moved to Kentucky and things fell apart as they tend to do when the visionary leaves. Our community got mucked up with business/church not being separate. I got really hurt by things that went down . By the time this all went down I’d lived in that area of Ohio for like 6 years, closer to 7. It was the longest I had ever lived anywhere my entire life and all I wanted to do was leave. So when this all happened, God finally let me go. So I moved to the beach, the Outer Banks of NC. It is never hard to find God here, but here it is God showing the side of him that is found in solitude.  The great expanse of mighty water, the sea oats blowing in the breeze, flocks of seagulls, lines of pelicans and little sand pipers flitting around.
The people are a strangely closed community, due mostly to the fact there is a population explosion over the summer, and you mustn’t get too attached to people because they’re going to leave. It’s one of those things that they don’t even realize to be true.

I tried going to a couple of churches, wasn’t too impressed, it’s very southern here. You have to be a good republican, hate gays and obama, love Israel and war. I’m not a bandwagon sort of person. You can try to tell me what to think, and probably out of obstinacy I’ll know you’re wrong.

My faith has changed so much over the years… I wore a dress and a headcovering for many years, until I realized people were feeling judged by my appearance and not feeling the love of Jesus. I’ve had to let God become as big as he wants to be. Let Him decide who was right in His eyes. I stopped placing my faith in the Bible but rather in the person of God/Jesus. When you place your faith in the “wrong” things that’s when your faith can fail. When you grow up thinking that the KJV is the inerrant, infailable, God on paper, and then come to the realization that it isn’t- faith gets shaken. When disaster strikes and no help comes, faith gets shaken. When you invest in community and then get shunned- faith gets shaken.

So, the moral of the story is this. I am fast approaching 30, and I feel like I have nothing to show for my life. All I have ever done my entire life is take care of my family, I adopt the outsiders, those without family into my own and care for them until they don’t need me anymore and go their own ways.  I have never had a boyfriend, never had anyone that was stronger than me, not even my parents. My dad caved to the pressures of life and nearly committed suicide 3 years ago. Lost his faith. My mother tries to be strong, but she doesn’t live in the real world. She is one of the rare people that only sees the good in people.  
I need community in my life, unfortunately, because all the weight breaks me down. I rarely ever ask for help. I struggle with superficial friendships. I disappear in a crowd because I would rather listen and see all the interactions of the people around me than have a superficial conversation with several people.

I am not a pray-er. Some people are, but I am not. I feel my communication with God doesn’t stop ever, whether it be legit words or just feelings and thoughts. The small group I was involved with prayed about issues in the community and then failed to actually do anything to resolve the problems. If you want something to change, don’t just pray about it, do something.

Life is falling apart currently- in a slow grade. My family’s landlord got foreclosed on, so they were supposed to move out last week, but haven’t yet because they have no place to go. My mom tore her rotator cuff, so had to quit her job this past Saturday. My dad has failed to produce any regular income for the past 5 years or so, so we kids that are old enough to work, help support them. Debt has been accumulated because of this and that weighs on me.

I just feel like life is going no where. There is no end goal. My life mission is merely to love God and people, where ever I’m at. I don’t feel the need to go out and do great things for God. But I also feel like nothing has changed in my life since I was 18. I work a lot to survive.

So I’ve been thinking about moving again. Because while I love it here, and wish to stay, I feel stagnant in my walk with God because there has been no iron sharpening my iron; I feel alone.

I don’t know if what needs changed is my perception, or what exactly. When you work 70+ hours a week to make ends meet, there isn’t a whole lot of time anyway.

I know there is nothing you can do. I don’t even know why I felt the need to share. I’m sure there are even no words to respond with, so no worries.

 

the thunder rolls

Pretty much every day  towards the end of summer there is thunderstorms on the beach every afternoon/evening. Watching the storm roll in across the horizon is one of my favorite pasttimes, it's so majestic.

-I dreamed last night that you were here. You were living in your car still because you hadn't found a place. I told you that my sister was moving out, and you could stay here with me and my brothers, I had 2 couches and an extra bedroom. But you refused, because you didn't want to meet me. Puzzling dream.-

So at my new job, I was hit on immediately by one of the cooks. I am always hit on by someone or other at my various places of employment. I just brush it off because they don't try to get to know me, it's just that they want to sleep with me. While it's nice to know that some guys ( mostly older 40+) are attracted to me, it's distressing that no one finds it worth while to know what makes me tick, they just want to... you know. There are hundreds of girls less attractive than me in relationships... how? I don't know.  Some days it really bothers me.