Life is....

Okay.
So, I was looking at my previous posts, and you wouldn't realize that I am in reality, very happy. The times I write, those are the times I have to much emotions running through me, and I have to write to get them out, to get back to my happiness.
I love life. I love the blue of the oceans here. It was an aquamarine color yesterday, just breathtaking. The sandy beaches with waving palm trees, the blue open skies. 
The clear nights to sit and hear the ocean pound against the shore, to see the white tops of the waves as they crash, contrasted with the blackness of the sea and the sky. It's a beautiful sight.

Things are relatively good here as far as everything else goes. I just don't have any money. Which is very bad. Paying the bills this month has been harder than it's ever been in my entire life. Granted, much of that has to do with this 800 a month rent/+deposit.

But, my friends have been awesome, God has been opening doors all over the place. The pie business is feasible down here, they have a great cottage law. The place I'm working wants me to come up with some pies for them for their new menu coming out on January 1st. Easily done once I have moved into my apartment.

My friend that I'm staying with, her boyfriend is a realtor, he found me this apartment, plus- he had to evict some people the other day, and after they'd gone, swiped the furniture they left for me. (I brought down pretty much everything I own in my car because I'm totally hardcore like that) and gave my family all my furniture. So, it was the one thing I didn't have, with the exception of my cot bed.
I feel very taken care of, which is weird, because I am never the one being taken care of, I always take care of everyone else.

Okay, so now to release the thing that is really really bothering me. The other night I got a phone number off one of my tables. They had been a super fun group, so, I sent the guy a text just saying thanks for everything. (they'd left a really good tip too). He texted me a little that night, but then I didn't hear from him for like a week. Didn't think anything of it, because I honestly didn't care. Well, he starts texting me again last night. Turns out he's married.... "but come on, live a little!"

It literally makes me sick. I want to curl up in a ball and not come out. I realize that may seem like an extreme reaction. But, I get hit on all the time by older guys. At least 45+. I had one guy 2 weeks ago tell me that he glad I was 28, that made me younger than his daughter but older than his granddaughter. He was 68. Barf. 
I get hit on by the occasional married guy too, but usually I just laugh it off, because they're married.  But, the guy from last night was different. Probably because he was somewhere near my age. (the guys my age are never interested) and then all he wanted from me was a good time call. As if I have nothing to offer but a playful romp.
Basically.... why? Why are the good guys all taken? Why do the guys I like not like me back? 
I mean, if you want to look at the big picture from my point of view. Here I am, 28 years old. Never kissed a guy. Never been in a relationship. It's weird, I know. I don't know. It's just the way things have worked out.
In all my life, I've had 5 guys legitimately interested in me. And they were all crazy. And I'm not just saying that. 2 of them thought God intended us to get married after just over a week of knowing eachother. 1 of them kept things from me and had no thoughts of his own, just repeating his parents. 1 of them the chemistry just wasn't there, we remain friends. and the other one, wouldn't've been interested if he'd actually thought about it, all he wanted was a snuggle buddy.
I'm just tired of it.
I don't want to be alone forever, but it's okay if I am. I always have been. I wish I had someone to care about me. But, I can take care of myself. 
At this point in my life, I'm not sure what I can offer besides love and support. There are too few things that I've actually done in my life. I want to take dancing lessons. I want to go on adventures. I want to see the world. I don't want to do it alone, but I will because those are the cards God has handed me. 

I will never be the kind of girl that steals another's man on purpose.

1 week later

1 week later, I'm now living in Deerfield Beach FL. And I am alone. Gosh. I'm not really alone, I'm surrounded by more people than I have ever lived near, basically my entire life. I have friends 40 miles away, and a friend that is letting me stay with her. But, I hate staying with her. It makes me feel dependent? I don't know. I just know I never want to be a burden to anyone. I know if the rolls were reversed, it would be no big deal to me at all. And, I know she feels the same, but I can't help feeling like I'm intruding.

I've started a job, and I'm concerned about it. It's a nice enough place, but I'm not 100% sold on it. The clientele is just different. I think that's what throws me off down here. Everyone here is from New York or New Jersey (if they're white), everyone else is from another country. It's so weird. I go to the beach and can't listen in on any conversations because no one is speaking English. How weird is that?!

I went to 2 churches so far, looking to meet people. I went to one on Wednesday night, just in an effort to find housing, see if anyone knew anyone, ya know? Well, nope. But, they were nice. 1 girl is my age, and has only been down here a year and is having trouble making friends. We have tried to hang out a couple times since, but it hasn't worked out.

This morning I went to another church up the road, a much bigger church for the wealthy. Not a single hello, who are you. Funny.

So, I spent my morning at Barnes and Noble, reading. Found this life purpose book by the guy who wrote Peaceful Warrior. That was actually enlightening, and startlingly accurate.
I also read The Art of Communication by a vietnamese buddhist. Also, exceptionally good. But, now I'm feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because of things I noticed about myself, overwhelmed because I don't have a house, a place to bring my dog in 2 weeks. Overwhelmed because I miss my family. Overwhelmed because there are SO many people all around me, and no one says hi.

That peace I had when God worked everything out for me to be here, it's a tenuous thing. It's easy to want to be in control and then realize you don't got it and no know where to go from there. Yeah. Pretty much.

We'll see.

And good-bye.......

The time has come. I'm saying goodbye.

"I saw goodbye in her eyes
I don't think I can change it
There's no way to disguise
We will never make it

Now she sees right through me

Should I hold on to what we've got
Is it just a waste of time?
One thing that I know for sure
I saw goodbye in her eyes"

I made the decision yesterday. Today as I made the decision to leave Sunday, this song came on. It felt like it was the Outer Banks speaking to me. :)

I will miss my family desperately. But, this is something I feel the need to do. I need to make a life for myself. So I am going.
I don't have an exact destination in mind. I haven't explored enough to know where exactly to stop. I'm thinking I'll stop somewhere around St. Augustine area. It's pretty central to everywhere.

We'll see. I have less of a plan this time than ever before, but it will work out. Somehow.

Questions

What do I do, where do I go, should I just stay?
It's the solitude that I love and hate. I love going to the beach by myself, finding the silent places, undisturbed by people. I hate not having anyone to share it with.
Should I try and find a place that isn't as lonesome as this place? The Christians here are all in the same circle, all connected, so even if I did try another church, it's just more of the same (I say- having tried other churches)...I want to stay because I love the area.

In other news

I'm currently seated at the airport, Norfolk International. Headed south to Florida. Yesterday my aunt texts me about a job with her company potentially if I come down there for the winter. I told her I would get her my resume not really thinking anything of it. Today at noon she calls me with the question, "can you be spontaneous?" of course I can, this is me we are talking about. So I figured out the logistics, and I could swing it. So, her company was hiring, right now. They're interviewing tomorrow and Thursday in Jacksonville. So, I'm going to fly down tonight, hang out with my aunt and uncle tomorrow, and interview on Thursday, flying back Friday morning. Should be fun.
This is my crazy life.
:)

a letter to an aquaintence

So I know this is really random hearing from me, since we’re mostly just acquaintances after all. But, I’m going through a pretty rough time, and I’m trying to process and figure out a plan for my life.

So I don’t know why you came to mind when trying to figure out what to do, but there you are. Maybe God knows you have expertise in this matter, or maybe He just wants me to share.

This is my story.

My background is quite unusual. I grew up in a family in which change was expected day to day. My parents became christians in their early twenties, met and married. They were involved in a Baptist-like church in texas that advocated family. When they got pregnant with my older brother they decided to go old-school. They had a midwife, birthed at home, decided to homeschool, my mom was a stay at home mom… while my dad worked.  Almost 2 years after they had my older brother, I was born,  and not long after that we moved from Texas. In the years after that, 7 more siblings were born and raised, and by the time I was done with highschool I had lived in 20 different states, and that wasn’t even counting the multiple in-state moves, or moves back to the same state.  People ask me all the time why we moved so much, mostly because my parents had no roots. My dad’s dad left him and his family when he was five and his mom was killed in a car accident before I turned 4. My mom’s dad committed suicide a short time after my mom got married, and my mom’s mom died by the time I was 3. So my dad always felt that our immediate family was the start of a new line. We were blown all over the states sometimes for work for my dad, sometimes for church reasons, once my dad felt called to minister to the native Americans.  We were never part of a church for very long, my dad always held such strong beliefs and was anti-church authority.

This all is supposed to convey one main message. Growing up- I was never part of a community.  It didn’t really bother me much, I was born at just the right time to get my socialization in through the internet if it wasn’t happening around me. 

I want to say I was 23 or 24 when I found Love Canton in Ohio and met the Schnabels. They were well-loved outsiders, didn’t quite fit in but everyone knew they were the coolest. :)
It was so hard for me to let down walls that had built up unknowingly, to let people into my life to actually commit to doing life with people outside of my own family.
I took a step of faith and for 6 months I lived on my own in a little apartment behind the Dueber House, a house that was occupied by a couple of the boys that were committed to bringing Jesus to the community. But then our leader moved to Kentucky and things fell apart as they tend to do when the visionary leaves. Our community got mucked up with business/church not being separate. I got really hurt by things that went down . By the time this all went down I’d lived in that area of Ohio for like 6 years, closer to 7. It was the longest I had ever lived anywhere my entire life and all I wanted to do was leave. So when this all happened, God finally let me go. So I moved to the beach, the Outer Banks of NC. It is never hard to find God here, but here it is God showing the side of him that is found in solitude.  The great expanse of mighty water, the sea oats blowing in the breeze, flocks of seagulls, lines of pelicans and little sand pipers flitting around.
The people are a strangely closed community, due mostly to the fact there is a population explosion over the summer, and you mustn’t get too attached to people because they’re going to leave. It’s one of those things that they don’t even realize to be true.

I tried going to a couple of churches, wasn’t too impressed, it’s very southern here. You have to be a good republican, hate gays and obama, love Israel and war. I’m not a bandwagon sort of person. You can try to tell me what to think, and probably out of obstinacy I’ll know you’re wrong.

My faith has changed so much over the years… I wore a dress and a headcovering for many years, until I realized people were feeling judged by my appearance and not feeling the love of Jesus. I’ve had to let God become as big as he wants to be. Let Him decide who was right in His eyes. I stopped placing my faith in the Bible but rather in the person of God/Jesus. When you place your faith in the “wrong” things that’s when your faith can fail. When you grow up thinking that the KJV is the inerrant, infailable, God on paper, and then come to the realization that it isn’t- faith gets shaken. When disaster strikes and no help comes, faith gets shaken. When you invest in community and then get shunned- faith gets shaken.

So, the moral of the story is this. I am fast approaching 30, and I feel like I have nothing to show for my life. All I have ever done my entire life is take care of my family, I adopt the outsiders, those without family into my own and care for them until they don’t need me anymore and go their own ways.  I have never had a boyfriend, never had anyone that was stronger than me, not even my parents. My dad caved to the pressures of life and nearly committed suicide 3 years ago. Lost his faith. My mother tries to be strong, but she doesn’t live in the real world. She is one of the rare people that only sees the good in people.  
I need community in my life, unfortunately, because all the weight breaks me down. I rarely ever ask for help. I struggle with superficial friendships. I disappear in a crowd because I would rather listen and see all the interactions of the people around me than have a superficial conversation with several people.

I am not a pray-er. Some people are, but I am not. I feel my communication with God doesn’t stop ever, whether it be legit words or just feelings and thoughts. The small group I was involved with prayed about issues in the community and then failed to actually do anything to resolve the problems. If you want something to change, don’t just pray about it, do something.

Life is falling apart currently- in a slow grade. My family’s landlord got foreclosed on, so they were supposed to move out last week, but haven’t yet because they have no place to go. My mom tore her rotator cuff, so had to quit her job this past Saturday. My dad has failed to produce any regular income for the past 5 years or so, so we kids that are old enough to work, help support them. Debt has been accumulated because of this and that weighs on me.

I just feel like life is going no where. There is no end goal. My life mission is merely to love God and people, where ever I’m at. I don’t feel the need to go out and do great things for God. But I also feel like nothing has changed in my life since I was 18. I work a lot to survive.

So I’ve been thinking about moving again. Because while I love it here, and wish to stay, I feel stagnant in my walk with God because there has been no iron sharpening my iron; I feel alone.

I don’t know if what needs changed is my perception, or what exactly. When you work 70+ hours a week to make ends meet, there isn’t a whole lot of time anyway.

I know there is nothing you can do. I don’t even know why I felt the need to share. I’m sure there are even no words to respond with, so no worries.

 

the thunder rolls

Pretty much every day  towards the end of summer there is thunderstorms on the beach every afternoon/evening. Watching the storm roll in across the horizon is one of my favorite pasttimes, it's so majestic.

-I dreamed last night that you were here. You were living in your car still because you hadn't found a place. I told you that my sister was moving out, and you could stay here with me and my brothers, I had 2 couches and an extra bedroom. But you refused, because you didn't want to meet me. Puzzling dream.-

So at my new job, I was hit on immediately by one of the cooks. I am always hit on by someone or other at my various places of employment. I just brush it off because they don't try to get to know me, it's just that they want to sleep with me. While it's nice to know that some guys ( mostly older 40+) are attracted to me, it's distressing that no one finds it worth while to know what makes me tick, they just want to... you know. There are hundreds of girls less attractive than me in relationships... how? I don't know.  Some days it really bothers me.

beyond time

It's beyond time for an update on my life. Don't you think?
Life got even more tricky. It's funny how things start going so well and then it all crashes and burns quite literally. On memorial day The Dunes Restaurant caught fire at 3 in the morning and burned. Didn't burn down, but it looks like I won't be working there until they reopen in September...maybe? I was finally able to pick up a second job this week, I start on Monday.. at a country club. So that should hopefully be good. I guess we'll find out!
With all this time on my hands, I actually haven't done a whole lot. Started watching tv again, which kills brain cells, I'm convinced. I had pretty much stopped altogether by that point. But worry tends to creep on an unoccupied brain. So between a handful of books and tv/movies I've kept it occupied. I also started a bi-weekly volleyball game and a once a month dinner at my house with the people in the small group. But, even then, that leaves a lot of evenings free.
One evening I discovered the nature conservatory behind my house. Complete with trails and woods (and an ancient cemetery!). That was fun.
Mostly though, I feel alone. Which is probably why I signed up for match . com once again. (for a month. I've taken it down again because it annoys me) But due to this, I did go out with 1 guy twice and another guy once. Realized some things that I have to be careful not to say. Apparently when you tell a guy you've never actually had a boyfriend it leads to all kinds of uncomfortable questions. I only told them what I did so that they would realize what they were getting themselves in for if they continued to go out with me. I am wholly unfamiliar with the territory. So much so that after the 2nd date with the one guy I'm starting to freak out internally because I've only ever been out with a guy 3 times before he's changed his mind or we both realize it's not a good match. But, normally it's only twice.
With my Christian friends I feel like an alien because I don't believe the same things they do. I don't approach life in the same fashion they do. I try to figure out the big picture outside of the bible taking into account other religions and histories- try to figure out the bigger purpose behind it all. Like, why are there natural disasters? Sometimes thousands of people die. What is the purpose of that?  My current explanation for this is that God knows how much the earth can sustain, which is why there was natural disasters before. Change of climate, change of the poles, all things pointing to a massive disaster like the world hasn't seen before, or at least with this much population.
Most Christians struggle with an identity issue. I don't. I'm comfortable with who I am. With my relationship with God.
Are there things that I need to work on? Absolutely. I'm not good in groups of people that I don't know. I'm very silent, listening to all that goes on. When we part ways I'll be able to tell you personality traits and tells of certain people. I'll be able to tell you who is attracted to who..  but see that's only good for the cops that sit behind the one way glass window. It's not good for interactions. I'm just really not good at superficial conversation.
But, sometimes it comes across badly. And by sometimes, I mean all the time.

I went back to Ohio to see my friend Amanda get married. It was awesome. But distressing. I stayed there 4 days and by the end of the 1st day I wanted to come home. Yes, I miss some of my friends there, but mostly... I don't. I'm happy with life here on the beach. I wish I had some people to share it with, but it's so obvious that my place is here and not there.
My best friend is getting married in January up there, and I'm the maid of honor. I have no idea how I'm going to do this long distance. We'll see.

The moral of the story is that I've been trying really hard not to stress. So I ignore it all by going to the beach and reading/watching fiction. So unhealthy.
Knowing the battle to fight means it's more than halfway won, right?

Falling apart

I do that from time to time. Mostly I am pretty even keel, but sometimes, I just feel so out of place and off kilter.
Tuesday night was that for me. I went to bible study as usual, I go not so much for the bible study, but for the community. I'm used to being on the outside of groups because I'm always the new person. Here I am not the new person, but I also am not so involved with the church as the rest of them.  I don't struggle with the same things they seem to struggle with. When I voice (or don't voice) the reasons I disagree, or would just look at things differently, I feel like a heretic. I just don't view Christianity and living the Christian life the same as most Christians.
Christians are always focused on guilt. They feel guilty for "sinning" which they perceive themselves to do alot. I'm convinced that that is not Jesus' way.
If we are extensions of God as Christians, if we choose to live listening to the Spirit, then stop worry about what you're doing/not doing just BE. Remember when Jesus says to be as little children? You know how kids don't fret about doing something wrong, they just do stuff?  They succeed or fail, no big deal. You remember how Jesus spoke the parable of the 10 talents, how the couple of them took the talents and improved them to twice as many, but the one freaked out and didn't do anything with it because he was scared.
You've got to stop worrying about sin. If you worry about sin it's going to be your only focus and you're going to get caught in a rut of guilt existing only in your own mind.  Focus instead on seeing how God is using you. Focusing on that will free your mind from the guilt, you'll start to see what God sees in you instead of what the enemy wishes you to see because it traps you in a loop of ineffectiveness.
These are the things I think about during bible study. But, see it's such a change in the thinking that people don't/can't grasp it if they are too immersed. It's like the matrix. I feel like my thinking has changed so much, and that I don't always think that my time and the things I've learned are always at the right time and the right place for the people around me. We all learn things at different points in our journey. These precious people I hang out with I'm sure have things they've learned that I haven't yet, but sometimes I feel like an alien. Plus the fact I'm older than the majority of them, my growing up life experience has set me apart.  I still feel apart, like I'm there- but like it's a once a week friendship with the majority of them.
What am I looking for? Gosh, I couldn't even tell you. I guess I just lack, as always, that person or persons who appreciate the same things as me, at least to an extent.  That iron sharpening iron, I guess. The magic is missing overall. But, maybe I'm just not looking for it.
I don't know.

This is my life.

In other news, I was given a raise at the Ramada. $1 raise after 30days. Holy crap. This also is my life. God is magical to me.

Work

Basically, the new job is ERMAGERD. ;) It's been really stressful so far. Some of the people are good, and some of them are not. And, I'm kindof being trained in a haphazard way, and that makes things a bit tricky. The people that I am now supervising are unaccustomed to having a manager and some do not appreciate this fact.

But between both jobs I made about $500 this weekend. So, I'm not going to start complaining.  But I haven't had much time for anything else, kickboxing included, which sucks.  But I think I'll get a schedule down soon.

Erikah is coming down here on thursday, and then maggie should be coming down the next week. Yay!! This is good, except the amount of work I am doing. My time to spend with them is sparse. Luckily there is enough of the rest of the family to keep them busy.


Dinner is calling me. I'm thinking a burrito is  in order.

Beginnings

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the end? Or just the beginning of a new stretch. I got the job at the Ramada Inn Restaurant. I'm now their morning supervisor/server so it will be $8.50 + tips year round...! Plus nights at the Dunes, dude. This is going to be insane. Depending on how much I end up making at the Ramada will determine how much I cut back at the Dunes eventually. I figure at least for the spring I'll work both full time and then cut back in the summer. I have zero desire to work 80 hours a week. :)

Life continues at it's regular pace, working- hanging out at starbucks on the internet- kickboxing and strength and conditioning training. That's about it. It's actually been pretty chilly here on the beach for the last week or two- not getting much higher than the low 40's, but I think today is the break in the cycle. High 40's today and then progressively warmer until it gets to the mid 60's this weekend. Yay. I'm ready for another sunburn!

I'm missing the mental stimulus of my friends. I have alot of acquaintances here, but ones that have graduated to the friends status don't exist yet.

It flows, don't fight it.

So, I've been going to a bible study on tuesday nights with a pretty good group of people. One thing I've noticed is that Christians have a tendency to try too hard. It's as though there is this whole culture of having to do or say things a certain way, and if you don't live up to it, you're guilty.
For instance, we were talking last night about whether or not you still feel in bondage to things even after you've accepted Christ. (And I actually think that's a wrong term. "accepting Christ" I mean. I'll explain more about that later) Anyway, one person was saying how he feels like there's always going to be something that you haven't accepted grace for and are in bondage to.
What if you just stop trying?
You are no longer you. That is the main and simplest thing you must grasp. You are an extension of Christ. The Spirit is the thing that moves you.
When you feel distant from God, know that you are not. It's only in your own mind, you've simply forgotten to listen. He is within you.
When you do something wrong, know that that's all it is. It's not a fall from grace. There is nothing that changes the fact that God is there within you still.
The best example I can think of comes from the Matrix when Morpheus says "Stop trying to hit me and just hit me!" When Neo learns that the rules of the world don't bind him.
You want to be close to God, stop trying and know that it is so.  God is the thing that binds everything together.... the order in the universe. From the birds in the air- to the flowers peeping out of the ground. The interactions between people- our paths are ordered, people are brought into our lives for a reason. See God in it.
It's as simple as breathing. God is your breath. The fact that your lungs work, that the blood is flowing, that the synopsis in your brain are firing. All this is God, because it is not something you control. It just IS. You don't have to make yourself breath, you just do.
You don't need to accept God's grace. It just is. It flows.
Stop thinking about being a Christian. Stop thinking about the way you act. Really stop thinking about SIN.
Be. Let the Spirit flow through you.

Relaxation

So, I start back to work on Wednesday. I can't wait. I have an interview for another job an AM (year round!) job at the Ramada restaurant on Thursday at noon. So, there's that too. Only thing is, I have absolutely zero desire to work my life away. I live at the beach, which means as much time for play as possible is crucial to my life. ;)
I was really hoping to learn kiteboarding this year, but without my boys coming back- I'm not sure.

I think since I've been back here at the beach, almost 2 weeks now, there has only been one day that the sun hasn't come out at all. Until you live in a sunny area, you don't realize how crucial it is. It makes life that much happier.

Today is the kickoff for the Taste of the Beach. Lots of restaurants have specials, there's an outdoor bbq with music this afternoon. Most places around here specialize in their alcoholic beverages, and since I don't drink at all, it kindof is pointless for me. But, most people love this time of year here.
There's everything from cooking classes to beer brewing classes- to fantastic music and great seafood at lots of different restaurants.

I'm looking into getting some small pie pans, individual sized so that I can start making samples of my pies to showcase. We'll see how that goes.

There has been more in the God dept. But, for now I'm just going to let that ride so it develops further into a better story before I tell you.

Sunburns

I finally cried last night. I talked to Ayyoub and he was so nice. "When God wills, it will happen," he said when I told him about my job situation. It's not like I didn't know that, but sometimes when someone else says it, it makes it better. But, then I got off the phone and sobbed for a minute, because I so wish he was coming back to my beach. He is magical. But, not for me, and I just have to come to terms with that.
I'm fine, except until late at night, and especially following a day when I don't understand the patterns.

Today I have an appointment to look at a house at 3:45, but I still don't have a job. Tomorrow I have another appointment to look at a house... so we'll see how this goes. 

I got a sunburn yesterday- so that makes me happy. I'm thinking another sunburn is in order for today. :)

There are things I don't understand

I see the signs, I'm just not understanding the pattern of where they fit. It's like looking at moving jigsaw puzzle pieces they spin and dance around. Usually I can fit them together, but yesterday and today it's just a blur. I recognize a piece and think it should fit in somewhere, but then I can't remember where.
I got an email from a guy offering a house, a really great deal. But I haven't called him back yet because I'm stressed about not having a job.
I went to church this morning, at Liberty Christian Fellowship. I'd been there before and gotten a really bad vibe from the senior pastor- he gives off the vibe of pedophile. Which is unkind, but he just makes me really uncomfortable in his dealings with children. I figured though, I would give it another shot, I'd heard his son took over.  So I went. It was baptism Sunday. Why is that significant? Because, the Sunday I arrived here, last week, was the Sunday Mike had asked me to come to his baptism, and I didn't go. I don't understand.
There was a man standing the next row over from me. I felt the overwhelming need to pray for him. So much so I wanted to go stand and put my hand on his shoulder and pray. I didn't though, I felt like it was too awkward. He's a complete stranger. So I prayed from where I was. For what I didn't know.
We both left at the same time, but he headed in another direction than I. However, somehow, as I had to wait in line to leave, he managed to get in a truck at the exit of the parking lot, just in time for me to let him go out first. It's a divergence and reemergence of intersecting paths. I don't understand.
Where are these pieces fitting?

I don't know.

The waves crash

Today the stress has arrived. I'm trying so hard to not be stressed, but the fact remains- it's there. Spending money without money coming in is so hard. I need a job. I talked to some people, but nothing has come through yet. I'm very unaccustomed to that. I always have a job immediately. Why is the magic gone now? (Listen to me complain- I'm pretty well set currently. I'm at the beach, the majority of my family is here, the sun has been out for the last several days- the ocean is tearing up the beach, but it is glorious. It makes me sad that Ayyoub and Brandon will not be back. Kerilin is moving away in May. Mostly I'm just stressed because of the lack of job. It's been a week- and I'm going stir crazy.  I found a cheap house in Manteo that has potential, will have to wait on a call back for that one. But even if I did get it, I don't have an income currently. haha It's all about the money.  I feel like I can't do anything with the pie business without a place to make said pie. The Dunes does start back on the 22nd, but I haven't heard anything from them, so that has me concerned.
Basically I need to just relax and know that it's under control, and know what's funny, I feel like I sabotaged it by praying about it. I don't pray very often, because I figure God knows, and all I have to do is listen to the Spirit and I'll know what to do. That's how it usually happens. Well, I prayed about the Ayyoub thing- it didn't work out. I prayed about the job thing, it hasn't worked out the way I'd hoped. What does that mean? 
Maybe I got too used to the magic that happens all the time, and God is saying that He doesn't play by my rules.
I just don't know. I really don't. So, I'll just curl up in the sun and wait.

The storm rolls in

There is a storm rolling in, the waves are getting bigger and bigger, the guys on the radio tell you about the storm surge that's going to happen with the wind and the waves this evening, but right now the sun is still out, and it's still warm out. 
I haven't had the time to really process things yet. Still riding so high on the adrenaline of being back. The return to kickboxing/strength training daily regime. I'm not working currently so I've been spending alot of time with the family, which is nice. And alot of time sleeping. My sleep patterns have been off kilter for awhile, and the driving through the night on Saturday didn't help. I think Daylight Savings is on Sunday which will throw a whole other loop at me. :)

I found out last week that Ayyoub is not coming back to my beach. I feel like I haven't been sad about it yet. Maybe it's because when I first met him I heard the song "The one that got away" on the radio, and it seemed to be prophetic at the time. I knew there was no way this could actually go anywhere. I hoped I was wrong. Then back in Ohio after I found out Ayyoub's best friend wasn't coming back, I woke up one morning just knowing he wasn't coming back. Feeling like I should go visit him, but I didn't. I haven't. I want to. The question is though, if it's meant to be, should I have to fight so hard?  I just don't know.

Spring is coming, and this makes me happy.

Magic

There has been so much magic in my life these past few days. I have a hard time knowing where to start.
I got to hang out with my Dueber House guys Tuesday. That was so very nice. Friday was my long day of goodbyes and coincidental meetings. So crazy, it was almost as if God ordered my footsteps. :)
I worked in the morning, then met up with Desiree for lunch. I gave her the letter I had written to her with the group of other letters I wrote. As we sat there talking, who happened to walk in? Michael Miller. He lives over an hour away from where we were, and he knows Desiree also, so it was really good. He talked to us for a little bit and then sat down with his friends. I joined them after Desiree left and we had some good conversation. Told him about the dream. :) I left there, went south and said goodbye to Aaron. Went to see if I could find my friend Curtis to say goodbye, no luck. But as timing would have it, I ended up at Cracker Barrel saying my goodbyes at the perfect time. Marsha came in and it was her first day back from vacation, Doug showed up just as I was leaving- and he was 2-3 hours early for work.  My favorite employees were there for me to say goodbye to. It just worked out really well. I went to the library to drop off a CD, found my friends Fred and Wanda there. (They don't live in the area- they were just dropping off a donation) They had wanted to get together with me before I left, but hadn't realized I was leaving the next day, even though I had informed them of this in a past email. They wanted to get lunch, which I had already eaten about 2 hours previous, but I told them I would join them for dessert. They had to make a quick stop at the bank, so I made a quick stop to see if my friend Vanessa was working at Legends. She was. She was fixing to have 4 days off in a row in March and trying to come up with what to fill them with- my coming in reminded her that coming to see me at the beach would be a fabulous idea. ;)  So after eating with Fred and Wanda- I went to work. As I walk in the door- who is sitting right there? Elise Ramey and her mom. I hadn't seen Elise since she'd visited the outer banks in May- she used to live near us in Ohio, but now she's like 4 hours away- and she was completely unaware that I worked at that restaurant. So it was just so very very coincidental.
As I got down here to the beach, I saw the sunrise over the water- and the infinite joy of the blue skies, shining water and wind blowing filled my soul. I love it here so. It brings peace, overwhelming joy... I can't even begin to explain it.   I am home.

What a wonderful world

I've had such an epic last couple of days here in Ohio. God has been prevalent in my dealings with friends. The other day he laid it on my heart to write to the ones here that have been instrumental to my life, parts of the letters were from me and part were somehow from God.
Today I deliver the last letter, say the majority of my last goodbyes, finish up the packing- and still work another shift this evening. (And tomorrow morning.)
The sun is out now, with the birds singing as a reminder that spring is coming- and I'm going to the beach. God does special things for me, and yes, I take coincidences and make them mine, but it's nice, just the same.
Joy is in the air. Love, hope and peace are sure to follow.

Dreams

So, I have to tell you something, and you'll think I've lost my mind. But I had the craziest dream experience of my entire life last night. I don't even know how to explain it better than a two way dream. I was in his dream and he was in mine. Not once, but twice during the course of my sleep. The first dream I don't remember very well because it was the first, and I didn't realize the significance at the time. He told me his name, and I told him mine. We were at a musical event on a lawn somewhere. I had french braided my hair when it was wet, so now that it had dried my hair was really wavy, but I had put it up in a bun- held up with a little sword that I sometimes wear in my hair.  He pulled the sword out, and was somehow upset that I would wear my hair up.
(He also had longish hair- a little past his shoulders that he worn in a ponytail. His hair was thick and curly and blonde..? Craziness.)
There isn't much more I remember from that dream. The second dream though is CRAZY. Short, but crazy.
I entered the dream in the middle (when do you ever start a dream?!) I was on one of the decks at kitty hawk kites in nags head. The season was in full swing so there were people everywhere. There was some kind of event taking place- lots of art. All of a sudden I saw him, and he saw me. "You again?!" "Rebekkah?!" I felt bad I couldn't remember his name, but I felt weird asking. I have a feeling it was Jeremiah, but I'm just not sure. He had his own booth set up where he was selling his art. It was alot of glass work, ocean scenes- etching, painting and stained glass. Some photography also. As soon as he saw me, he pulled off a hemp ring off of his wedding ring finger. It somehow threw me for a second, a "what?! he's married?" but then I don't remember him actually saying it, but I knew that he had been wearing it to keep other girls away, and now that he had found me he didn't need to wear it anymore. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him.  I saw my family coming up the stairs in the distance and I was telling him their names as they came up, knowing that he'd actually remember all their names. (Even though I was still struggling to remember his!)  But then the dream was just over. I tried to maintain, but I think he woke up. 
It sounds insane, I know. But it was the craziest most awesome thing I've ever experienced. It was so real I searched for him on google, but the fact I can't really remember his name poses a bit of a problem. 
I don't understand. I don't know if it was real. If it was a dream... if it was simply just one of those things. It was so crazy I doubt myself.

And so on and on the story goes

It's hard to even know where to start.
I'm going to tell you the story of Justin McRoberts and his influence on my life. It's just one of the many crazy stories in my life.
I don't even really remember how I first heard of Justin McRoberts, it probably was my friend Mike Hale who went to Malone at the time. I think he invited me to go see him, knowing I would appreciate him and his music- and he wanted to introduce me to his new girlfriend. :-) 
I waited around after everything was over to talk to Justin. He had totally touched my soul. I'd gotten discouraged with traditional church and modern church- nothing was real anymore it was all just the motions of Christianity- I didn't feel the life of Jesus anywhere. But here was one, this was a guy who was not living in the box, not playing any games- letting God be bigger than the spaces we try to fit Him in. So I told him, I told him how much I'd appreciated it, how I was finding it impossible to find REAL people around here. He assured me that there were these people here, and that I would find them. It was such a refresher for me.
It was soon after that that I was introduced to Love Canton the church community that I was a part of for 2 years. So, the next time Justin came, I told him I had found them. And it was awesome. I don't remember what else we talked about, but I know his songs and stories touched my soul again.
The next time I saw him, I remember crying during one of his songs. It was a song about driving, and letting go. Something I was really struggling with at the time. Letting God be in control. I was deciding what to do with my life at the time.
Then I moved away to the beach.And came back temporarily, and Justin came again the other day, which was awesome, because I leave again in 9 more days. Once again his songs and words directly related to what is going on in my life right now.
His theme that night was connections. Our connections with people and how they matter. How we all have certain people in our lives that our connections with them make a difference. Sometimes if you don't say something as simple as an "I love you" no one will be that person for them.
It totally resonated with me. I've seen how much I've been used in people's lives. I've become more aware that somehow- God makes life paths cross for the mutual benefit of both parties.

The people in my life: with Fred the old man whose wife died who seriously believes I'm an angel (which is crazy because all I have done is followed the Spirit's prompting at seemingly random times to me- but just exactly right times in his life). Fred and his situation has taught me to be more compassionate, and a better realization of what it's like to be old and alone.
Mike and Jen- with their situation of selfishness/selflessness and the cause and effect of horrible decisions. For some reason- for them my being in their lives just to inspire and talk through issues has been exactly what they needed. For me- it's been a time of realizing how much I don't know. Realizing a lack of grace for some issues.
Desiree: I'm not really sure what I've done in her life. I know for some reason she's drawn to the fact that I will take care of her. That I will help her make good choices, and I love her. For her, my home is sanctuary. But then I also know that she doesn't tell me alot because she thinks I'll judge her.
For me- she has taught me to let go. To know that I have no control over other peoples lives, that they have to make their own choices and live with them.
I may see patterns and how choices effect the way life goes, but that doesn't mean I always chose the right path. I have hurt my share of people, I know.
The list just continues...

Basically, the magic continues in my life. God continues with the coincidences, I continue to see patterns and it awes me.

....and the churnings of my soul at midnight

So much anxiety tonight over stuff absolutely uncontrollable by me. So it's pointless to be worked up about it, but I am.

 

 

So, here's one of the stories. When I moved, my friends Mike and Jen Miller were supposed to come say goodbye the day I left. We were pretty close at this point, they attended the majority of our family birthday gettogethers and stuff, but I hadn't seen them since probably December and this was March that I left... they ended up calling and saying they weren't going to make it because they ran out of time and had something (some music show in canton) that they were going to go to. I was really hurt by this, I was moving away and they couldn't even say goodbye. So I left, we were friends on facebook, but they never commented on anything I posted though they'd comment on other friends. So basically I had no idea what was going on. The whole time I was gone I heard nothing from them until my birthday when Jen posted a happy birthday on my wall. At that point I had no idea what to even say in response that's how badly I'd been hurt by all this. The next month was November, and I was home.

That first week after being home, who do I run into in starbucks- Jason Lantz. He saw me, and was so excited to see me... telling me I should come to church see what they'd changed and yada yada. I just told him straight up that I didn't think that that was something I was up for. That I'd been really hurt by him and everything that had happened with the Dueber house fiasco.

He was confused. So I told him that when I called and left him a message asking him to call me back, and him not returning the call.... not cool. Him relaying "sorry you're shit outa luck" through someone else, not cool. I reminded him how hard it had been for me to step into living in that community, committing myself.

He apologized profusely. (and wanted to make sure he didn't harm my relationship with God- sorry dude. You don't have that power. haha)

Anyway. I forgave him to his face- I was already over the whole situation.. but yeah. So riding high on the endorphins of forgiveness, I decided to go see Jen at her work (where I used to volunteer- the Alzheimer's Association). I ended up talking to her for about 2 and a half hours. Turns out the reason they hadn't come to say goodbye is that they were having marital issues and weren't telling anyone, and were having a hard time faking it, especially around me. So, me coming home at this point in time was a godsend (apparently). Somehow I am that person that people talk to and rely on. At this point it had been discovered that Mike has a sexual addiction stemming from being molested as a kid by his cousin/his parents getting a divorce and just drama. He thought getting married (10 years previous at this point) would solve this problem, but not so. Long story short, Jen had found that he was looking at pictures, not of strangers. She also knew that he wasn't telling her something, but wasn't sure what it was. Could I help get Mike to tell the truth?

Well- I did. The truth was that he had an affair. And it's destroying their marriage. There is a baby on the way, just to complicate matters further. Jen is due in April, their first.

Somehow I became the middle person. The counselor, and I hate it. Mike is now in real counseling, in sex addition rehab... and going to church and apparently is growing leaps and bounds in his relationship with God.
Jen on the other hand is burdened with "why now?" and so much bitterness. She is the second most kind sweet individuals I know. And I hate seeing this. So much pain.

I really want her to talk to Erin, just so she can talk to someone who has been through this and survived....

The other story is my friend Desiree. It's tragic. She's the number one kindest sweetest person I know. Just the gentlest of souls. She's now engaged to a douche. This guy treats her badly, and has gotten her pregnant (with twins...!) she told me the other day that he's changing. She wasn't feeling well one evening because of the morning sickness (all day) and even though it was her turn to do the dishes, he did them. I think that's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.

She came down to visit me in July, and apparently he wasn't happy about her coming down because she was away from him. She wasn't answering his every call/text message which were pretty frequent while on the trip, so he broke up with her (just found that out today). Obviously they got back together, but it just shows in part how obsessive/controlling he is. She just wants everyone to be happy and is happy to have someone love her, even though that is not what love should be. Because of all this- I finally made the effort to get to know him. (She had basically been keeping him away from all her friends because she knows he's not good for her in her heart of hearts, and he has made no effort to get to know her friends, which is very weird to me. But, also goes to show what kind of a person he is.) They are both coming over for dinner on Friday, and I don't know how it's going to go.

I just care so much. But there is not a thing I can do for either of them. At the same time, I feel the weight of the world and all the pain on my shoulders.

Another reason why I just want to escape and run back to my ocean where the sand and sun, waves and wind brush all the pain of the world to the insignificant place it should hold.

Those are the achings of my heart tonight.

Introspective- not grumpy ;)

I've been doing alot of thinking. I know this is not unusual for me, but I've been made aware of a certain thing. There are life altering moments.
If I hadn't brought my friend Rachel and her family to a church near me when they visited (because I knew it was something they would appreciate)- Rachel would've never met and married (and divorced) Matt. Such a little thing...
If I had realized by my not being involved (out of just stubbornness) in my friend Desiree's church and/or making the time to try and meet her current fiance. Chances are, things wouldn't've progressed to where they stand now. She is pregnant and engaged because of said pregnancy.
Both situations I realize are direct results of their own choices, however, the moments in time where I play a part in their lives to set a course... craziness.
I am well aware that I do not control people's lives. But, like I was telling my friend Mike today, when he was telling me not to make a poor life decision... (Do I ever?!) It's not that I just am good. It's that I see the consequences both to myself and to all involved directly or indirectly and I just cannot. And, I see these consequences in other people's lives too, and I just want to help. Even though I can't.
I think it's like being a parent. You know better than your kid because you were also a kid once, but then sometimes you've just got to let them do their thing regardless of consequences.
I don't want to control... I can't anyway. Bah.

So that's what I'm thinking about today. Now it's time to stop thinking and just go to work. Be at peace.

Winter continues

I've slacked off this month as far as my routine goes. Granted I have been working alot more, French got paused, just because I got impatient with learning it. There are so many rules and variations of words that I do not understand, and I have no one to ask WHY. So I've been frustrated and busy. This will change though, because I really do want to learn it, I just have to figure out how to do it better. I think books in French would help.
Over the last week or two I've realized something critical. I am a crazy person. Funny I didn't realize it before, I know. I am quite aware that crazy things happen in my life... all the time. But, somehow I didn't connect the dots to myself. Avoidance I guess.
I came to this realization completely the other night as I drove back to Ohio from my 3 day stay at the beach for my brothers birthday. Ayyoub called me, and ended up telling me that he wouldn't be back on the Outer Banks until May. Which is sad, but I mean, not that far from March. However, then I started thinking about it. I was only around him for 5 days before we both left. 5 days. When I see him again in May it will have been 7-8 months since I'd last seen him. That's crazy. He and I are barely past the acquaintance stage, so there is nothing there. But dang. Who else retains a crush like this? No one. I realize it isn't May yet, but, I don't see things changing. But maybe they will.
The last guy I had a real crush on, I still love him- and it's been 4 years. See? I am a crazy person. It's funny to think about. He's married now with another child on the way, and I still talk to him alot. He is one of my closest friends afterall. It must be different to be "in-love" and not just "love". I love very easily and quickly- and I have yet to find it ever ceases. But, I have yet to be "in love", I assume it's different, though I'm not sure how. I guess it would change from love it inlove if the other person ever reciprocated. But that has yet to happen, so I guess we'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it, eh?
There was a guy here recently who asked for my number. He was cute. Unfortunately he had strikes against him, he already had 4 children, was 31 - never married. Then when he texted me that evening he asked for a picture of me in my pjs since that was what I was wearing at the time. All kinds of awkward. Dude. I am not that girl. I'm sorry I didn't warn you, but I am different. He hasn't talked to me since. What a world we live in.

So for now I'll continue my life- being there for my friends when they need me- which for the majority of them is the only time they call, going to work 6 days a week, working out at the gym, and continuing my French. Such is the extent of my life, with the occasional mind blowing read of a book that changes the course of my life, which happens fairly consistently once a year or so. :)

March is coming...

2013

Crazy how fast life goes. I think about people I met when I was 13-14 that I'm still friends with, and I have to realize that holy crap, I've known them for half my life, and it doesn't even feel like it was that long ago.
So I read my horoscope for this new year. Strangely accurate, I think.

"Libra
2013 brings you nothing short of a total rebirth, Libra. You can finally bid farewell to the heavy and austere presence of Saturn in your stars since late 2009. You have had enough lessons in love and commitment to last you a lifetime. Now you're ready to put those lessons to the test by pursuing your true calling and passion. No longer will you be satisfied with simply scratching the surface of life. You're prepared to go as deep as necessary to create something of lasting value. You want nothing less than the truth, and nothing short of profound meaning.
You'll be putting more attention and importance on finances than you have in a long time now that Saturn has moved on to your money zone. This is the year to finally work on a budget and devise sound economic strategies for increasing your income without working yourself to the bone. This is an excellent time to get out of debt as much as you possibly can so that you can save your pennies for the whirlwind of change on deck in 2013. The eclipses will rock your money sectors, so be prepared for sweeping gains and losses, and plan accordingly.
You'll continue to break out of any codependent relationship ruts with the ongoing influence of Pluto and Uranus sparring in the cosmos. You've certainly learned how important it is to value your authenticity and independence in all of your dealings with others. No longer will you fall prey to being too nice. You see how crucial it is to set your limits, draw your lines in the sand and commit without wavering. Saturn taught you to get off the fence and take a firm stand. This is how you gain respect. Your diplomacy and charm will always serve you well, but you realize now that they must be backed by the iron fist in the velvet glove.

Your love life is finally getting a much-needed rebirth after enduring the heavy hand of Saturn since late 2009. The law of karma brought many painful lessons home, and you're ready for a return to love. If you experienced crazy amounts of insecurity over the past year, you can also bid that farewell. Enough of the tears and heartbreak from giving too much to people who could not return your sweetness and light. Now that you're clear about boundaries and refuse to lose yourself in codependent patterns, you can get on with establishing the kind of relationship that is healthy instead of detrimental to your health.
The eclipse points of 2013 are asking you to own your value as a partner. If anyone knows how to bring beauty, balance and unparalleled harmony into a union, it's you, Libra. You're finally realizing how irreplaceable you are as a partner. Very few are as easygoing and lovely to be around. You take everything in stride and bring the peace back to any discord that arises in your relationship. How many have the patience and tolerance to do this? Know how precious this is in maintaining a strong partnership.
The ongoing influence of Uranus in your relationship zone is helping you break free of any clingy patterns in love. You have a tendency to be drawn to strong but selfish partners, and now it's time to own the selfish and assertive aspects of yourself so you can attract a different kind of relationship dynamic. In order to keep your scales balanced, you need a proper ratio of give and take. One-sided love affairs are no longer an option. You want a relationship with someone you can trust, and with whom you can build a solid and lasting foundation. You were born under the sign of marriage and companionship for a reason -- you're simply happier living life in tandem with another. If you're already hitched, you'll no longer tolerate being taken for granted on any scale. This is the year of renewal and realizing your value, and there is no better arena to put these lessons into practice than in love relationships."

So there's that. hahah
2 more months, that's it and then it's back to the beach I go. I can do it, right?!


I read this book recommended to me by a friend called "Anastasia" by Valdimer Megre. It's pretty interesting. I appreciate alot of what's said in it, but it is not complete truth. I think there is a huge measure of truth to it, but a core part of her character and her actions lacked a love that she claims. When you conceive a child with an already married man, you may have created something good- but at the cost of damage to him, and his wife. That is not pure love, that is selfish. Under no circumstances is that alright.  She claims enlightenment in a humble manner, granted, but even still just this one action proves that she is not as enlightened as she and he would like you to believe.
There is much good in the book though. A solid teaching of being connected to all the universe, the people on this planet, the plants, the animals. How a deeper connection is viable if we just step into that path. How no thought needs to be given to food/clothing/shelter because God provides in nature.
This is really good.


To all of you, I wish this year brings to you- joy, love, peace and most of all, hope. Hope is that thing that makes everything possible.