alone

It's only been 2 weeks, yet it feels like forever.  I don't know why.

I'm struggling today. I think my subconscious is starting to feel alone. I had dreams last night of being alone. That it was my birthday, and I didn't even get phone calls from my family.
Last year I made one of my friends take me out to dinner, I had to ask him to, not that he minded, but still. I hate being alone on my birthday, and it'll be here in 2 weeks.

There's the part of me that says "it's another day since he stopped talking to me." and the other part says "it's another day closer to him talking to you again."
If you read all these posts, you'd think I was one of the silly girls who is a glutton for punishment, who doesn't let go and turn off like she should. I know. I think it every day. But like I said before, it seems wrong.

I am not, in fact miserable, though it may sound like it. I use this to process out feelings that I don't want to carry. I don't want to feel alone, or despairing, or sad- so I write out the feelings so they are released.


At least I work a lot. Doesn't leave time for adventuring, but that also means it doesn't leave time for thinking about the solitary existence I have in a strange new town.

wow

I was a hairs breadth away from giving up. I can't do this. There's too much pain. Spending time with his parents was great, yet terrible.  Memories were everywhere.
To top that off,  Micah shut off communication again. I was tormented by thoughts of "what did I do?" "how do I fix this?" "what does he need?" "how is this going to play out?"
The first shift at work was not impressive. How was I going to make this work?

So with the news between shifts that Micah needed us to not talk anymore, I died a bit. There was no one else who didn't think I was crazy for moving here. No support from my family or friends.  A resigned, "do what you're going to do" but with the underlying "you're crazy, I don't know what you're doing".

There was no way, I didn't know what to do.  I sat and stared at an atlas, looking for another place to go. There was literally nowhere. There was not a single place on that map I wanted to go.  I don't think that has ever happened ever.


I pulled in to work. A table had just sat down. I went to my boss, and told him there was something going on, and I was going to have to leave. I let him be under the impression that it was my dad, and I had to go home. Maybe I was going home, I didn't know. I told him I'd let him know, but I thought I could potentially be back on Friday, but if he wanted to fill my position, feel free to do so.


The  first table was ready, I would take care of them until my replacement came in to work. I go up to the table and get their orders, they ask me where I'm from and why I'm in Breaux Bridge.  I had heard them talking about God, so I knew I could answer truthfully. "God told me to move here, so I did."   They grew so excited. They wanted to hear my story, so I told them a brief outline, leaving out a lot of details. Nothing about Micah except that I had visited here with him, last year.
When I was done, one of the men said this, "God is telling me to tell you something. This doesn't happen very often, and I don't do it lightly. He said to tell you "Don't you dare give up Hope."" the man paused, "You moved here for a man. There will be restoration in that family, and don't give up hope."
....this guy knew nothing about the upheaval of Micah's family. He barely knew of Micah's existence.
Why did he say something about Hope? Why was that the key?

I left when my replacement showed up.
Holy shit. What just happened?!

I had texted Micah's dad when I first got to work. I needed some advice. He invited me to come over.  We talked for over an hour an a half, ranging from the crazy that is this house I'm staying in, to my car problems and future life plans.

I explained everything that was going on, the history even of how I met Micah, everything. His advice on that regard- let him go. Find someone better who can love you like you ought to be loved.  I told him that I would, if I could. And, that I can't. How it feels like I'm denying God's magic if I do.
He himself has never experienced God telling him things in the same fashion as I was explaining it. So he tends to dismiss it out of hand. I appreciate everything he told me, looking at things from different points of view is invaluable to making a legit decision.

And so I stay. I will not give up. I will not cease to hope. There is magic. There is restoration.  The only thing I am allowed to do is show Jesus in all that I am.

I tried

I tried to write our story again. The one from past lives. I failed. It made me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
How can you forget and dismiss the magic that once was?
Do you remember the laughter of the beginning?
Do you remember telling me that it was though my voice was made for you?
Do you remember laughing about our horoscope compatibilities? they were perfect.
Do you remember knowing that I was at one point or another, your other half?

Why did you have to let your head get in the way?  Why did you have to reject out of hand what could be?  Why did you have to build the wall to not need me?  Why did you have to decide that I was no longer a safe spot?

I have never wanted to keep you from God. I've only nurtured that relationship as best I know how. I want you to be the absolute best you can be.
I hate that I feel like you are my person, that it was decreed before the beginning of time. I hate that I feel like if I shut you out completely I deny the magic. I hate that any other guy feels like settling for seconds.

And I will never tell you this. Because that is not what love does. You don't need to be guilted.  I just struggle at times to understand. I didn't mean to be selfish the other day, when I disobeyed your express wish to not be told anything that went on in this house. Why couldn't you understand that I was freaked out?  I wasn't trying to draw you in to the drama that lives here, it was just supernatural and freaky.
I don't have peace about this move yet because I'm still on the fence. I'm still fighting God every moment of every day.
He's brought opportunities and conversations to be- that I know they are part of why I'm here. But, do I have to stay? Can that be my contribution, and now I can go?
Being with your parents keeps the heartache fresh. I don't want to live in heartache.
My only choice is to forget, and shut off my heart.
But that's not what Jesus does. He loves.
How can I?

and so it continues

I got a job. I start on Tuesday. It's pretty funny, they posted an ad and within a half hour I was there to apply. The guy was basically blown away by my credentials, he has no idea what he's doing. I don't see this a being a long term gig for me, but it's a start. I'll be the only server, which means once business is rocking, I'll be stressed. He's closed on Monday's so I'll always have that day off, but he is open from 10:30-9 every other day, and if I'm the only server, that works out to 66 hours a week. I'm not okay with that. Even if I was to take a break between 2-5, that still leaves me at 48. I DON'T WANT TO WORK THAT MUCH!  I'm tired. So that's why I don't think this will be a long term thing for me. I need to figure out what else to do. Looking into becoming a disaster relief coordinator, which sounds like something I'd be good at. I just don't really know where to start and what qualifications need to happen.

I cried a lot yesterday, even with the whole getting a job thing. And his dad was super nice to me, saying that I shouldn't pay attention to what other people say.  Basically feels like a grieving process.
I swear that picture just broke my heart. Even now just thinking about it, everything gets tight inside.
He shot me down so hard yesterday in regards to his mother. Said he didn't want to hear about anything that was going on here in this house or with her. I said okay, but, I had one of the most stressful situations of my life last night. And I had to tell him. Because I broke the promise- he's not responded.  There's no winning for losing.
There is a malevolent presence in this house. It's name is Beau Valiant or something like that. I don't know why I know this. It thinks the night is his domain, and dreams are his playground.  I woke up from nightmares 3 times last night... The first time, I didn't recognize it as a presence, but I was able to wake up. The second, I felt it, and the third I banished it. I didn't know if it would stay banished though. I told it that it had no power over me, to depart. And the fingers grasping and scratching at me receded.   The name of Jesus had the power to dispel it.   So I was able to wake up, trembling. I wasn't scared so much as exhausted. I wasn't sure about going back to sleep.  I didn't want to tell Danette, if she knew such a presence was here in her house- the ramifications. Better to be in ignorance. I will simply tell her how it fight it in an off hand manner.  Or maybe I can dispel it completely. I know in what corner it lives. And I KNOW how crazy this sounds. It sounds so paranoid and fanciful. But damn it all. I can sense it now, even awake.

His dad is over here today changing his mom's tire. She broke down on the interstate last night. Blew the one tire and then the spare too.

And so it goes.

hope and despair

I spent a pretty awesome couple of days with Micah on my way to Louisiana. He was happy to see me, he fixed my car. We laughed. He taught me how to shoot guns, (I felt like a redneck.) I met his new best friend and hung out with them.  Had dizzying sex the first night.
But the last day, we had to talk about where we stood. About his issues. About who I am to him.
The results weren't completely clear. The negatives were astronomical. Back when we were together, he said holding my hand didn't feel right. He said that the chances of him being with me in 10 years is the same as any other girl in longview. So, my odds aren't better than anyone elses'.   He said chances are, he's going have more lessons to learn as in, going to have to date more people to learn what he needs to learn. He said that I am no longer a safe spot for him.  He said that chances are when he visits Louisiana he won't be visiting me, and he won't even tell me he's in town. Simply because of the stress it brings to him to even see his family.  

How can that not kill ones soul? What kind of a girl can hear that and keep going?

There were positives, he loves me- more than his mother, which isn't actually saying much. He would like it if the things God has told me were true, because he does love me, and thinks I'm amazing and sexy, and awesome.

He thinks I'm a glutton for punishment, that it's unhealthy for me to be even his friend, given the way I feel about him.

I drove away from him for the first time without an intense hug goodbye, just a casual one. I was proud of myself, I wasn't in despair of leaving the one I loved. I didn't feel like I was being exiled from home again. I was okay.  God said "trust me" who knows what that means, this couldn't possibly work.  But okay.
I pull out my phone to get directions. Somehow my butt had opened archived photos, and the one that was open was a picture of our shadows and he was kissing me.  I've never posted that photo, but I love it.  I lost it. I couldn't stop sobbing.
And the radio was playing a song about keeping hoping.
Even when he and I were talking I looked at the wall beyond him, and in the spakel, there was the shape of a heart.

It's like at every turn God says "HOPE" and "TRUST ME" and "LOVE like I love". The first adventure was love, the second added "trust me" and the third has now added "Hope" to the lessons I am learning.  I don't see how. I don't see hope.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know where I'll work. I don't know what to do. I don't even have a plan for what to get accomplished today.

that's not the point

And then I get told, "It's not about it working. It's about the things you learn."
I opened my book  "the importance of being foolish" and read the following "The love of Jesus for Peter lay in his complete and unconditional acceptance of him. We who so automatically place conditions on our love (“If you really loved me you would …”) fail to see that this is an exchange, not unconditional love. (We tack on one of our addictions to finish the sentence.)"
In my quest to become more like Jesus, I tend to leave out the hardships.

How many times has Jesus had unrequited love?
Does he yet ever shower us with unconditional love?
"Love, as Christ loved the church." It's not about what you get in return, it's about what you give.
And as usual, I failed.

It can't work

As time goes by, why it can't ever work out becomes more and more obvious. It was obvious from the get go, but I ignored it.
I think it's just becoming more obvious how out of love you have fallen. I'm no longer the first person you tell things to. My ranking on people you care about has fallen.
I am supposed to see you in 2 days. You're going to fix my car for me, because I asked you to.  You know how hard it is for me to accept help from anyone, let alone ask for help?  I told you I was feeling insecure about imposing on you, and you didn't say I wasn't, you just said okay. That doesn't reassure, that only acknowledges that I am being a girl. I'm frustrated enough with myself for feeling like this, and I feel your frustration from beyond. You are the one who broke up with me. I get to be insecure about you.

You acknowledge after the fact how frustrated you get when I tell you how stressed I can get over the things I am going through, simply because they're not as bad as yours. Yours is bad, and I feel your pain. Don't you know what affects you, affects me? And how hard it is for me, because not only can I not help... but you don't talk through things, you bottle them up, completely the opposite of me. So I have to understand, and support behavior that is foreign with my hands tied. Not only do I have to simply trust where my life is concerned, but yours too, because I can't do anything. I am not allowed to do anything.

You refuse grace and honor to those you feel don't deserve it. Where is Jesus in that? People are a mess. But you either love them more than yourself, or you don't.

I know there is so much more to you. I know the love you carry inside, but you let your head get in the way.  You've grown so much in some ways, and in some you've grown and then retreated, and others you've stayed the same.
I don't feel it is my place to point out the bad things, your own head gives you enough despair, so I have simply encouraged and pointed out the good things, to help you fight the demons in your head.

But what about my demons? You scoff at them because they're tiny and insignificant. But I built a wall, a huge wall that keeps the demons like yours away. But the little ones, they get through the cracks and torment me. You have a large unbeatable looking foe, whereas I have tiny invisible ones, that I don't even see attacking until there are marks. Both can kill the soul.

I tell you how much I appreciate your friendship. I appreciate the person you inspire me to be. I appreciate the impact you have on my life.
You know exactly where you stand with me.

I have no idea where I stand with you. As a chameleon, I'm very concerned about who I am to people. So I can adjust my image. But with you, I have allowed only my true colors to be seen, but I don't know what those colors even look like. And you never tell me.
Am I nobody? Am I somebody? Am I insignificant? Or is there meaning?


Why must I trust?