It can't work

As time goes by, why it can't ever work out becomes more and more obvious. It was obvious from the get go, but I ignored it.
I think it's just becoming more obvious how out of love you have fallen. I'm no longer the first person you tell things to. My ranking on people you care about has fallen.
I am supposed to see you in 2 days. You're going to fix my car for me, because I asked you to.  You know how hard it is for me to accept help from anyone, let alone ask for help?  I told you I was feeling insecure about imposing on you, and you didn't say I wasn't, you just said okay. That doesn't reassure, that only acknowledges that I am being a girl. I'm frustrated enough with myself for feeling like this, and I feel your frustration from beyond. You are the one who broke up with me. I get to be insecure about you.

You acknowledge after the fact how frustrated you get when I tell you how stressed I can get over the things I am going through, simply because they're not as bad as yours. Yours is bad, and I feel your pain. Don't you know what affects you, affects me? And how hard it is for me, because not only can I not help... but you don't talk through things, you bottle them up, completely the opposite of me. So I have to understand, and support behavior that is foreign with my hands tied. Not only do I have to simply trust where my life is concerned, but yours too, because I can't do anything. I am not allowed to do anything.

You refuse grace and honor to those you feel don't deserve it. Where is Jesus in that? People are a mess. But you either love them more than yourself, or you don't.

I know there is so much more to you. I know the love you carry inside, but you let your head get in the way.  You've grown so much in some ways, and in some you've grown and then retreated, and others you've stayed the same.
I don't feel it is my place to point out the bad things, your own head gives you enough despair, so I have simply encouraged and pointed out the good things, to help you fight the demons in your head.

But what about my demons? You scoff at them because they're tiny and insignificant. But I built a wall, a huge wall that keeps the demons like yours away. But the little ones, they get through the cracks and torment me. You have a large unbeatable looking foe, whereas I have tiny invisible ones, that I don't even see attacking until there are marks. Both can kill the soul.

I tell you how much I appreciate your friendship. I appreciate the person you inspire me to be. I appreciate the impact you have on my life.
You know exactly where you stand with me.

I have no idea where I stand with you. As a chameleon, I'm very concerned about who I am to people. So I can adjust my image. But with you, I have allowed only my true colors to be seen, but I don't know what those colors even look like. And you never tell me.
Am I nobody? Am I somebody? Am I insignificant? Or is there meaning?


Why must I trust?