Life is....

Okay.
So, I was looking at my previous posts, and you wouldn't realize that I am in reality, very happy. The times I write, those are the times I have to much emotions running through me, and I have to write to get them out, to get back to my happiness.
I love life. I love the blue of the oceans here. It was an aquamarine color yesterday, just breathtaking. The sandy beaches with waving palm trees, the blue open skies. 
The clear nights to sit and hear the ocean pound against the shore, to see the white tops of the waves as they crash, contrasted with the blackness of the sea and the sky. It's a beautiful sight.

Things are relatively good here as far as everything else goes. I just don't have any money. Which is very bad. Paying the bills this month has been harder than it's ever been in my entire life. Granted, much of that has to do with this 800 a month rent/+deposit.

But, my friends have been awesome, God has been opening doors all over the place. The pie business is feasible down here, they have a great cottage law. The place I'm working wants me to come up with some pies for them for their new menu coming out on January 1st. Easily done once I have moved into my apartment.

My friend that I'm staying with, her boyfriend is a realtor, he found me this apartment, plus- he had to evict some people the other day, and after they'd gone, swiped the furniture they left for me. (I brought down pretty much everything I own in my car because I'm totally hardcore like that) and gave my family all my furniture. So, it was the one thing I didn't have, with the exception of my cot bed.
I feel very taken care of, which is weird, because I am never the one being taken care of, I always take care of everyone else.

Okay, so now to release the thing that is really really bothering me. The other night I got a phone number off one of my tables. They had been a super fun group, so, I sent the guy a text just saying thanks for everything. (they'd left a really good tip too). He texted me a little that night, but then I didn't hear from him for like a week. Didn't think anything of it, because I honestly didn't care. Well, he starts texting me again last night. Turns out he's married.... "but come on, live a little!"

It literally makes me sick. I want to curl up in a ball and not come out. I realize that may seem like an extreme reaction. But, I get hit on all the time by older guys. At least 45+. I had one guy 2 weeks ago tell me that he glad I was 28, that made me younger than his daughter but older than his granddaughter. He was 68. Barf. 
I get hit on by the occasional married guy too, but usually I just laugh it off, because they're married.  But, the guy from last night was different. Probably because he was somewhere near my age. (the guys my age are never interested) and then all he wanted from me was a good time call. As if I have nothing to offer but a playful romp.
Basically.... why? Why are the good guys all taken? Why do the guys I like not like me back? 
I mean, if you want to look at the big picture from my point of view. Here I am, 28 years old. Never kissed a guy. Never been in a relationship. It's weird, I know. I don't know. It's just the way things have worked out.
In all my life, I've had 5 guys legitimately interested in me. And they were all crazy. And I'm not just saying that. 2 of them thought God intended us to get married after just over a week of knowing eachother. 1 of them kept things from me and had no thoughts of his own, just repeating his parents. 1 of them the chemistry just wasn't there, we remain friends. and the other one, wouldn't've been interested if he'd actually thought about it, all he wanted was a snuggle buddy.
I'm just tired of it.
I don't want to be alone forever, but it's okay if I am. I always have been. I wish I had someone to care about me. But, I can take care of myself. 
At this point in my life, I'm not sure what I can offer besides love and support. There are too few things that I've actually done in my life. I want to take dancing lessons. I want to go on adventures. I want to see the world. I don't want to do it alone, but I will because those are the cards God has handed me. 

I will never be the kind of girl that steals another's man on purpose.

1 week later

1 week later, I'm now living in Deerfield Beach FL. And I am alone. Gosh. I'm not really alone, I'm surrounded by more people than I have ever lived near, basically my entire life. I have friends 40 miles away, and a friend that is letting me stay with her. But, I hate staying with her. It makes me feel dependent? I don't know. I just know I never want to be a burden to anyone. I know if the rolls were reversed, it would be no big deal to me at all. And, I know she feels the same, but I can't help feeling like I'm intruding.

I've started a job, and I'm concerned about it. It's a nice enough place, but I'm not 100% sold on it. The clientele is just different. I think that's what throws me off down here. Everyone here is from New York or New Jersey (if they're white), everyone else is from another country. It's so weird. I go to the beach and can't listen in on any conversations because no one is speaking English. How weird is that?!

I went to 2 churches so far, looking to meet people. I went to one on Wednesday night, just in an effort to find housing, see if anyone knew anyone, ya know? Well, nope. But, they were nice. 1 girl is my age, and has only been down here a year and is having trouble making friends. We have tried to hang out a couple times since, but it hasn't worked out.

This morning I went to another church up the road, a much bigger church for the wealthy. Not a single hello, who are you. Funny.

So, I spent my morning at Barnes and Noble, reading. Found this life purpose book by the guy who wrote Peaceful Warrior. That was actually enlightening, and startlingly accurate.
I also read The Art of Communication by a vietnamese buddhist. Also, exceptionally good. But, now I'm feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because of things I noticed about myself, overwhelmed because I don't have a house, a place to bring my dog in 2 weeks. Overwhelmed because I miss my family. Overwhelmed because there are SO many people all around me, and no one says hi.

That peace I had when God worked everything out for me to be here, it's a tenuous thing. It's easy to want to be in control and then realize you don't got it and no know where to go from there. Yeah. Pretty much.

We'll see.