The Story of the Heart Part Deaux

A couple months ago, I discovered that my heart was like a bungalow on the beach. The people I love stay for a time, some have permanent rooms, others have left and shut their doors.

Well, recently I had found a shipwrecked sailor. I took him in, and let him roam free. He mended cracks in my foundation, put up awnings. He made a garden with trellis’. I was almost to the point where I would’ve given him the keys to all the locked rooms. He’d made my life so beautiful.  But then there came the day when he said that he had to go. He couldn’t live in my bungalow any longer. He needed to go build his own.

So I let him go. Everyone needs their own beach bungalow. But mine feels empty. He didn’t have a room that I could close off, he had free roam of the whole thing. So now I need to remind myself that it isn’t empty. He isn’t gone, he just is building his own down the street. I’ve seen the plans for his bungalow, and know it will be beautiful, but I can’t help him build. He has to do it himself. So, for now I just see him around, and wave. And go home to my empty house, where I’m surrounded by the things that he updated and made beautiful for me.  Maybe one day we’ll exchange keys, but for now, I’ll be content with the garden trellis to remind me how beautiful it can be.

More Poetry and an update

I wrote this for the boy last night:

The curve of your smile
the lines of your face
the warmth of your hand
causes my heart to race

The light in your eyes
says Fear no more
I'll love you forever
of this am I sure

One step at a time
and day after day
we're growing together
"in love" as they say

My magic can save you
from the demons that taunt
from the memories and pain
and the shadows that haunt

It'll seep in your soul
my magic of joy
the laughter and leprechauns
and the aliens, my boy

What God wills to be
whatever that is
I'm right here beside you
our hands are in His




My car has died. My transmission is gone. It'll be 1600 to replace it. Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of money after these past 4 months of hardly working. I've just started working again this past week, so that's good- I just can't afford anything anymore it seems like. I think I only have a month left of payments on my car, so I can switch my insurance, I think, down to collateral, which should save me over $100 a month.
Sigh.
My dad specifically asked me not to get stuck here, but I failed. I am stuck here. There are worse places to be stuck, though. At least I have a place to live and a job.
I don't know how to solve this problem.

So many emotions

There were so many emotions yesterday. I held them all in for the most part all day long, but when evening finally came, I just broke.
I was supposed to be spending one more night with the boy on the floor of his camper, but I knew as the day went on, that I wouldn't be able to. Him being kind but distant would break me. So, I ended up getting a hotel room for the night, switching the days around. He came over too to take a shower and watch a movie with me, trying to remain normal, I think. But I wasn't feeling normal. I didn't know where the boundaries were now. My body was in such a state of mass confusion and stress that I'd found it impossible to be warm all day long, so as we're laying apart on top of the bed he noticed that I was shaking. He insisted that I get under the covers, and he lay beside me, and put his feet on mine to warm them up. My body finally quit with the intense cold that there was literally no reason for. I think my core temperature was messed up.
As soon as he had left for the evening and the door shut behind him, I was doubled over in wracking cant-breathe sobs.  I guess I just had to get it all out there. It didn't last too long.
Today, I'm better. I knew I would be. I had to cry out those intense emotions and sleep it all off.

How do I proceed from here? I haven't the slightest idea. Rewind and one step at a time, I guess. We'll see how it plays out.

I'm meeting up with a woman tomorrow about a house, and then I start my job on Thursday.  Deep breaths.

When a wrench gets thrown

It's funny how you can go through life, just sailing along. Clouds and storms come along and you batten down the hatches and continue on. But when your companion hears the voice of God saying that you will never reach your destination.... what do you do?  I agonized over it for hours last night, and felt the calm that reaches you when you make the right decision. So I think it's right, but I haven't gotten the companions feedback yet.
My immediate reaction was one of, well, if A+B doesn't equal C, then I might as well abandon ship now. What is the point of staying a course without the destination?
And God said, the journey is not the destination, but the road itself.

So, now I have to figure out the rules so that I stay healthy. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like at this point.

I wasn't told to give up. I was told to stay the course. If we are both being told things that sound opposite, what does that mean?  I wish I could see the path clearly. The immediate future is hazy. The extended is clearer, but what does that mean, or am I just projecting? 

I feel like now I know what needs to be done, but I haven't gotten confirmation yet, so I'm still so unsure in my mind.

Quiet the mind, deep breaths. Moment by moment. No future, no past. Right here, right now.

So the days pass

Slowly and steadily the days continue to pass. I don't have much to relate. I did get a job, but I don't start for another week and a half. Which is fine. I'm going with Micah to Louisiana to see his family for an in between holiday trip. I am super excited to be warm ;-)  The heater in the hotel room doesn't even blow hot air. I turned it up to 90* last night, and was just comfortable, not hot, so it's obviously not right.

Today I'm going to go to fill out the paperwork for the new job, and then head out to Walmart. If the boy is still working when I get back, I'm going to go over to the Care Center. There are some lovely old people there that just need company, so I'm going to see what the policy is on visiting.  I couldn't work there, I know, it would wrench my heart too much.

As the days go by, and we discover more and more about eachother, and experience life together, I know that this decision of mine to come here was not a bad one. I'm stuck in the moment, not making plans. Relying on the path to open in front of me. It's amazing!


Time for breakfast!



****************

I finished running my errands for the day. It was kind of funny driving the 30 miles to Walmart, and seeing someone I recognized. Such a small population out here.  They didn't end up having the thing I specifically went there for, so that is going to have to wait. Very strange. Apparently they sold out of them though.
I came back and dropped some stuff off at Micah's tiny house, and then went to the Care Center. I bypassed all the people in charge, and went directly into the dining room where Bob was sitting. (I had met him this past Sunday.) He was playing bingo, so I sat with him and talked in between the calls.  And then, I left, bypassing all the people that work there. Haha. Good times.
I probably won't be able to sneak it for very long, but, I can for now!

What a good day it's been.

Perfection

I can't even begin to describe how completely amazing yesterday was. Thanksgiving day, away from all family. It didn't really feel like Thanksgiving, but it was pretty awesome.
Micah came to pick me up around 10:30, I asked him if we could go find some winter foliage or something so we at least had something to bring to Thanksgiving dinner at his friends house.  We ended up going for a hike out to find a waterfall that he'd heard of, but had never been to see. It was probably about 2 miles up a mountain. In town, we're already almost at 10,000 feet above sea level, so climbing a mountain on top of that... I was huffing and puffing. I had to stop to breathe several times on the way up, and he was so kind about stopping.  It was literally a winter wonderland up on the mountain. Turning off all your senses but your hearing- it was totally silent. When we got close enough, we could hear the waterfall in the distance. It was magical.  On the way back down, I made us stop at a meadow, the woods we were tramping through behind us, the meadow and another mountain just across. It just made me want to sing. So I did. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly host, praise father son and holy ghost" It's an outlet for me to appreciate the wonder I was beholding.
Micah and I laughed and talked- he played in the snow/ice sliding down the trail. I think he appreciated it as completely as me. We had so much fun. We didn't even end up getting a winter bouquet. I really didn't see anything that would work super well. Oh well.
We returned to his tiny house, and spent a little time inside his friends house trying to help finish cooking. But, it was a little stressful for us both, I think. There are a lot of personalities in there.  We returned to his friends house in time for me to cut the turkey, while he did the ham. We ate with everyone, and then did the dishes- at least I could help with that! I felt so bad not contributing anything to dinner. I always make thanksgiving dinner, I have for years, so it was just weird.
Later, we discovered that our hostess was having a meltdown- she's had a rough life. So we went in to help her right herself in her mind.
Just watching Micah, the words he would say to help, and the distractions he caused to make her forget her pain... It's very revealing the type of person he really and truly is. He roughhoused with the kids in the house, causing so much laughter. It was so completely endearing.
We finally made it back to my hotel room- and just lay on the bed talking. Those have been my favorite moments. It's just us, and we talk, completely and openly about everything, we laugh- we flirt a little. But mostly just thoroughly enjoy eachothers company. It's a beautiful thing.  Thankful beyond words.

I'm off to see about furthering my job hunt.

Parachutes

I had a retardedly bad nights sleep last night. Stress dreams, irregular sleeping patterns. When I woke up, I sat down between the beds and tried to get my head on straight. The boy woke up, and noticed I was there. So we started talking. My stress and his stress turned into a decision by him that we needed to take a step back. Which while it wasn't, it felt like rejection. So I cried. And he saw the fragile side of me, which freaked him out a bit. I pretend so well. I told him it was there, but he didn't believe me, I think. I was feeling lost, I left everything in Seattle- to be with the one I had decided to love, and then, he was like, let's go back to being best friends. You can see why that would  throw me for a loop. I have no job, no place to live. What am I doing?!
Well, as it turns out- I just needed to process. I'm in no hurry to rush this along either. This whole falling for him has been a really recent development, so slow and steady is fine with me. I know that I was supposed to come here, the signs were obvious, so I swallowed the manufactured pain.
The rest of the day was spent with him in companionable friendship- with the knowledge of the mutual budding love between us. I went to his church with him for their thanksgiving service tonight. His friends were very welcoming, and I had such fun singing with them. They've invited me to join them to sing again on Saturday, which I've agreed to, with the exception- if I've gotten a job by then. We'll see.

I think I'll sleep really well tonight. I need it. Flying by the seat of your pants takes a lot out of you, lemme tell ya!

And so the spinning wheel goes

I have arrived to my destination- Cripple Creek Colorado. This adventure is the craziest yet, but promises to be the most epic.

I'm laying here on my king sized bed in a casino hotel, contemplating this past week and waiting on a call back from a casino restaurant about a job. We'll see what happens with that. I have a lot of paperwork to fill out, but I have what I think is an altitude headache and sleep deprivation. This happened the last time I was in Colorado also. I have this room until Thursday, which is a super inconvenient day to not have a place to stay- it being thanksgiving day. However, I'm not too concerned about it, either something will come up, or it won't. I have a car and lots of blankets. ;) But I doubt it will come to that.

So, down to the reason I am here.


So when I left North Carolina, I stopped  in Ohio, and then I slowly made my way across the Midwestern states- pausing in Kansas for a day and then off to Colorado. I had to kill a day in Colorado also, so I went sightseeing. But the thing with sightseeing when you’re by yourself, it takes literally no time at all. Hahah.
Yay cliff dwellings, yay garden of the gods… okay, now what?!

 So I went up to Manitou Springs – found a place to park and decided to walk around all the little tourist shops in the area. As I walked, I saw this guy sitting on a ledge wall, reading with a guitar next to him. He smiled at me in a friendly fashion as I walked past. I had this feeling that I should talk to him, but at the same time I’m thinking- ‘dude- not safe, strange hippy town, you’re a single female… ‘ I went into a little shop nearby and looked at stuff, not being able to shake the feeling that I should go talk to him. (Bear in mind that I’m still hungup on Costa Rica, so it’s not that I’m interested.)
So, I left the store and went back up the hill to talk to him. “Whatcha reading?” I ask him as I get closer. “The bible” he responds. My face says ‘no shit’ and I say, “yes, but where?” “John” he responds. I end up sitting down on the wall next to him and talking for the next 2 hours or so. We basically exchanged life stories. As I left to go on my merry way, I let him have the link to my travel blog. From which he added me on facebook. I didn’t really talk to him at all for the next month as I settled in to my routine in Seattle.

 I got back on Match.com once I got to Seattle and decided to stay, went out with 5-6 different guys. Ended up having 2 dates in one day twice… such a playa. Haha It wasn’t on purpose and totally stressed me out though when it worked out like that. But anyway- I had fun. They were all no’s. But there were a couple of 6’5” guys that were totally awesome, just because I felt small. Haha But yeah.

One day at work, this guy came in and found out that I was new to town. He suggested that I try his church, just to meet more people. He was off to Istanbul the next day- so he wouldn’t be there for the next few months, but still. I just laugh and think to myself.. “um no.” I hadn’t been to church in over a year at that point, and I had no desire to start again. So I dismissed it. A couple weeks later, I had gone on a hike with one of my dates, but found myself home before 5. This church started at 5, and for some reason, I felt like I was supposed to go. So I went. Not a single solitary person said a word to me. And, the message had me all up in arms. So much so I wanted to stand up and say something during service, which of course I would never do. But anyway, I left there completely irate. Haha I needed to vent, but with the time difference, there wasn’t really anyone I could call, so I ended up calling the Colorado guy and unleashed it all on him. Poor thing. Haha. Well, after that point, we were just friends. We talked probably once a week or so. During this point, I finally hit my breaking point with all the stress and just stopped. I’d been planning the future for so long that I forgot to exist right now, and so I stopped worrying about my next step. Well, as I’m going on all these dates, I realized something about myself- that I have chameleon like tendencies, so as not to create waves. These guys would only see the side of me that meshed with them, and then think they loved me. False. Haha Well, the Colorado guy, all of a sudden starts being more vocal in the fact that he’s crushing on me. And I’m like SHIT. That wasn’t supposed to happen at all. He’s my friend. He’s way too Christian, and has other issues that I didn’t want to deal with, and he’s in Colorado. Well, not this past Saturday but the one before, I wrote him a 2000 word email, explaining to him all the sides of me that he didn’t know. The anti-church side and everything. We ended up talking on the phone that night for 6 hours. Which is retarded. The next night it was 4 hours. “Do I need to move to Seattle?” he jokingly asked. “No! of course not.” I realized by this point- that we had a solid friendship base. We were constantly laughing about things, and just genuinely enjoying eachothers company. And then he loves me and thinks I’m magical. So I let down the walls and accept it. My work was not doing super well- they had cut my hours because it’s slow, and everyone got cut. I was having difficulty finding a new job, so I was like- “I can just come out there.” So, a week later, here I am.

Crazy as it may be. I decided that I love him. Like for realzy, no reservations. Which actually hasn't happened before, so I'm intrigued to see how this plays out. I'm playing for keeps.

Spontaneity and faith

So in an interesting and completely unexpected turn of events, I find my path being written to Colorado. I don't know if I'm making the right choice, but then again, who gets to determine what is right and what isn't? Am I terrified of the number of things that could go wrong with this? Absolutely. 
Especially because today I was offered another job here, one that would solve my immediate problems. Instead, I am doing something even crazier, and adding problems and causing even greater problems to solve within the next few days.  But they haven't happened yet, and the magic that is given to me has a habit of working out.
What happens when you take a leap of faith off a mountain top, having no idea what lies below- you could land on a rocky craig- stranded and broken, or you could land in a pile of fresh snow, or you could land in a hotsprings with your lover.

Who knows. Guess we'll find out!

The moment in which everything changes

It can come along quite subtly, you have no idea that it's coming, and then all of a sudden it's there and you have to decide, yes, or no.

I chose yes. Why? Because I laugh. Because I'm comfortable. Because I never tried, it just was.
I was concerned at first, when I saw him heading in this direction. I know what it's like to have a crush on someone who doesn't return the favor.  But then I realized that if I stopped trying to tell myself why it wouldn't work, the odds were actually not insurmountable. At no point was I not able to tell him who I was, I withheld some things for awhile, but then I let them all out. There is nothing more hidden.

So the bungalow on the beach that is my heart has another occupant. The others that were asking for a sweetheart room will just have to go to the hotel down the road.

Revelations

It's funny the things that you discover about yourself when you're not even trying. Things that come to light and you don't like them so you have to change immediately.

I am a chameleon. I always have been. You learn to adapt, to live in any situation, to endure any circumstances good or bad. I also have learned to be whoever the people around me need me to be. This is why I am able to be friends with any one. I have all types of friends. Religious, and not. Mafia or the cops. Republicans and anarchists. 
These people as a whole, see me as someone who is quiet, loving, good natured, and unjudgmental. They typically don't know how strenuously I disagree with some things that are important to them, because I let it go. Live and let live. But unfortunately, this creates an illusion- and I get frustrated that no one actually knows who I am. In fact, this is my fault. I haven't allowed them to see the fullness of who I am, but merely the part of me that meshes with them.  This is especially true when it comes to guys. I don't care for division. I hate unnecessary conflict. So, a lot of the time, I choose to just let things slide, until they think they're in love with me and I know that they don't know the half of it.
And so this must change. It is dishonest and unhealthy. And that is not who I want to be.

subconcious fear

So, I realized something last night. An unacknowledged fear. The cause of which has been going out on dates with the 5 or 6 guys I've been out with since getting here. One is still in my life as an automatic friend, there was never anything else there. And one, I'm still exploring the possibilities, but the others have been in and out of my life like a revolving door. The one I referred to as good in a previous post, occasionally tries to come back through the door, but that won't happen. The lifestyle and view on the world is much too different.
The one that I'm talking to now, he could conceivably sweep me off of my feet. But I'm having difficulty sharing my life with him. My history, my soul. He really wants to know me, and I am at a loss for what to say. It's not that I don't want him to know me, it's like I've shared so much of myself over the last year, that I'm empty. I know I'm not, but maybe subconscious walls were put up because I was sharing so much for no return. I don't want them there though, they have to go. It shouldn't matter. There is no harm in them seeing the fullness of who I am and the hows of why I am.  So I fight on. I don't want there to be fear in my life. I don't want walls.  But, I'd really like the revolving door to stop, because it's hurting me.

Letting go

After weeks of feeling the pressure of anxiety, the confusion of why I was feeling that way, the days and nights of feeling lost- as inexplicable as it began, so it ended. But now I have the answers. Now I know why.
I let myself be ruled by the future. I left Florida with the anticipation of what was to come, I was going on an adventure! It was going to be great. Everything would fall into place, because I am me, and it always does, I have magical powers.  When the going got tough, the one I referred to as my unicorn came into being, and he helped me keep the joy in my life instead of succumbing to the pressures of working 80 hours a week, and training my children and the hundreds of interpersonal relationships that functioned on a daily basis.  But then as the time to leave got nearer and nearer, my focus kept going further and further into the future and anxiety started taking over slowly and stealthily. Then the pyramids I had started building in my head those plans for the future that would touch the clouds, they started crumbling. The foundations were still there, but the walls started falling, and those clouds that I was trying to reach- evaporated  as the storm passed though.  Suddenly I was left with nothing but the foundation so I stared at the foundation unable to picture what I should start to build on it again. So I left it alone.
During the crumble and collapse I arrived in Seattle. The universe stretched out its hand to me and reminded me of my magic in providing me in the moment with a place to stay and an immediate job. But, I didn't know what to do with it. Anything I tried to picture for my future seemed to be completely unrealistic. What was I doing, why was I here? What was the purpose of the magic I'd been reminded of.   I spiraled out of control until one night I broke. I shattered the illusion I was building for myself. The catalyst had nothing to do with my plans or future. It was merely the evidence that there are things outside of my control. So I wept for the ones that hurt, for the inevitable pain, and in the morning- my soul and mind were cleansed. At the time I didn't know why or how, I simply accepted the relief of the quiet mind.
Later that day as I'm sitting in the bookstore I glance to my right and see that a book I read recently is right next to me,  and there is another by the same author right next to it that I had never read. So I reached over and pulled it out and flipped through the index.  A chapter title grabbed my attention, so I skipped ahead to read it. He was discussing in length experiences I had had, and he attributed them to living in the future instead of moment by moment.  He attributed peace to living in the here and now, unconcerned with anything but the things that happen right now. As I read, I thought more and more on the subject. Things started going wrong when I started planning and building the pyramid, but the moments in which I stopped planning, and instead followed the magic of coincidence and prodding in the moment- those were where the peace was.
So in the days that followed, I am evermore at peace. My brain is quiet. It's not trying to solve problems that haven't happened yet. The structure that is built on this foundation has no blueprints, it will likely end up not looking like anything we've ever seen before, the physics of it likely will defy gravity. There are no clouds or stars to reach for, merely the experience of building the most wonky creation you've ever seen and the joy that comes with the process. I will continue to follow the magic that shows up, because it's the magic that will make this building defy the laws of physics.

That moment

Do you ever have those moments where in you just achingly miss someone, so you relive a memory even though you know it will hurt? That promise of future that turned to naught. I'm sure for good cause, but sometimes the memory of the hope and joy that was so beautiful at the time... sometimes you miss it.

"I don't want nobody
You lift me up
Two more minutes
And I'll be there
Filling my empty head
With pictures of you bare
A breath to take home with me
Take your oxygen
Slowly while you breathe
And all the days in between
You're still my drug of choice
The figure of my dreams
And though we wait for now
Even through the noise
I feel you somehow
I don't want nobody else
You lift me off of the ground
I want you all to myself
Please don't ever let me down
Two more minutes
And I won't care
That I broke my back today
Where all my people stare
'Cause once I get you in my arms
The ice will start to break
The day will fade away
I don't want nobody else
You lift me off of the ground
I want you all to myself
Please don't ever let me down
And all the days in between
You're still my drug of choice
The figure of my dreams
I don't want nobody else
You lift me off of the ground
I want you all to myself
Please don't ever let me down
I don't want nobody else
You lift me off of the ground
I want you all to myself
Please don't ever let me down"
-2 more minutes Jaymes Young

You just have to laugh

Otherwise bitterness might set in. I am starting to realize the people in this town are not my people. I'm not saying they don't exist, but, the overwhelming majority of them are too open minded for me. When someone says they want a monogamous relationship, but follow it with,  having other people involved would be fun too- I'm pretty sure that no longer qualifies as monogamous.
The people tend to be very liberal, which I tend to be also- but mine falls under the category of live and let live. Not exploration of any and all possibilities.
I actually never knew, this whole time, that monogamy was dying out. I've lived in the south and Midwest too long, I guess. 

I deleted my match.com and other accounts that I was trying to meet people by using. I just  can't. It's exhausting. It's just been the same story time and again. I've been out with 5? guys, and all the same story and talked to dozens more that didn't make it past the initial screening.

I am realizing about myself that I really don't actually want a guy. The idea is nice. Having someone to cuddle up to is amazing. But in all practicality, I'm lost. Why would I try to find someone else to join me in that. If I had a direction and found someone heading in that same direction, that would be one thing-but floating aimlessly is another thing altogether.

I'm having so many thoughts these days. I'm in the middle of a huge post that's turning into quite the story. I thought it was merely going to be a couple paragraphs. But I also find myself numbing my mind with entertainment.  I haven't focused too much on the things I wanted to accomplish. I'm allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by life. It's as though I'm floating, but not peacefully. My mind is racing. The serenity that should be there is absent.

I am calm outwardly, but the internal zen is not yet achieved.

What is real? What is true? Where is my place? I'm not living in the past or in the future, but there is a general discontent over the present. As though it is stagnant.
I miss having direction. I miss having someone who understands. God damn. And I hate that it has affected me this much.

What am I looking for?

The question my brain is asking on repeat. Why am I here in Seattle? What is this journey I'm on? What am I looking for? Why is there all of a sudden a good man in my life? He is a good one, and I'm so accustomed to not having to delve very deep in the realness of what could become a relationship. I don't even have any idea what I'm looking for. I don't know the path I want to walk down. I don't know the path I'm meant to lead.  Besides the good, true, loyal part of this guy, he's not what I would've picked on paper. Our lifestyle differences are extreme. But I see his heart and see something that could be beautiful. Is that enough? I don't know.  Would I be content to stay? I don't know.
I think it's time to try some other new things. Tomorrow research begins.  Pottery classes for real. Wise woman classes (basically they learn and teach ancient remedies for healing and life from the plants in the area). I want to be more. Stagnant is boring, and I can't just go through the motions of life.
What does this mean as far as having a guy in my life? I don't know. I'm the type to sacrifice my inclinations for the benefit of those I love. But I must be true to myself first. I don't want to lead, and I don't want to follow- but a partner would be nice.
But then again, I'm awfully content on my own too.

Have you ever gotten lost? I feel like I'm lost in the forest. I have no idea what direction is out, so to swallow my panic, I focus on the flower that blooms at the foot of the tree. The mushrooms that grow by the rock. The sunlight that streams through the branches. The squirrel that runs ahead of me.  And that is how I feel.

The funny thing about magic...

As you know I play with magic. The magic of joy, peace, and harmony. Occasionally I try to fit love in, and it doesn't usually end well for me. The hurricane blows through my heart and cracks my foundations. I weld and super glue it back to where it's supposed to be as best I can. It doesn't usually take long because I will not be left in a damaged house. The door to the room of the one who called the hurricane was shut and sealed, as the others before him. And, I leave my heart wide open to potentials.
A new one has come along. He's scared of stepping into my house. He thinks I might be dangerous. What if I am? Could I become a hurricane under the right conditions?
The problem with knowing I wield magic, is that I know I can cause havoc, because most people have never met anyone like me. But then if they partially invest, they tend to withdraw, saying that my worth is too high. Priceless is too much of an investment.
So with this one I am being careful. Sharing my magic, but not asking anything in return. I am ever lost myself. Inviting someone to join you when you have no plan or direction, yet continuing to move forward on faith, this is too much to ask. If they offer, that's another story altogether. We shall see.

the story of the heart

My heart is like a bungalow on the beach. There are no windows or even doors. There are screens to keep the mosquitos out though. ;-) The love and joy my heart feels is easily shared and witnessed by all who pass by. In this house there are many rooms for all those that I love. It's like the Tardis, you look on it and it appears to be one size, but the inside is infinite. Most of the people that I love do not dwell in my bungalow. They pass in and out of my life. I keep their rooms clean for them, until their path brings them back to my beach and they need a place to stay. Sometimes though an occupant will put a door on their room and shut it before they leave. I have to close down the hatches to protect it from hurricanes and sands. It will always be there ready for them, but I do not open shut doors. My living area has none, and I will not dwell there.
I tried once, to not have a heart that functioned this way. Maybe I could put windows and doors up, but as I struggled to put them up, I realized I couldn't breathe. I couldn't hear the sounds of the waves and wind. The birds and the night creatures. My joy was locked out. So, I tore them down again. Hurricanes be damned. Sometimes they shake my foundation, sometimes it even cracks. But the raw power of it is still an experience worth having, and if it causes damage, I can always rebuild. There are times there are leaks that I don't know how to fix. In those cases I search for the answer and hope a master carpenter will come along to show me how. MacGyvering only hold it together for so long.
It's a beautiful place to dwell.  

30

It's such a big number. A milestone of some sort. Telling stories, and realizing something was 20 years ago or more, is flabbergasting at times.  29 marked a year of extraordinary change for me. I made large steps to rewrite my life- so that it ends up better than the humdrum existence it was spelling out to be. I'm really looking forward to what this year is going to bring. Its many adventures, new friends and new places. :)

I am a bit bummed about the lack of sunrise this morning though, the clouds are all up in the way. :-p I think it's supposed to burn away at least somewhat today, so that would be good.
I'm taking my first ever pottery class today at 3. I'm super stoked about that. I've always wanted to try.  yay :)

Seattle

So I'm currently at the HUGE public library that is in Seattle. It's got escalators. Do you know how happy this makes me?! :)

Its the first cloudy day here, and I surprisingly don't really mind it. It's chilly, drizzly, and cloudy. All things I despise, but today, I'm fine with it.  Last night as I was exploring Fremont, I found my way down to the water. (As I tend to do.) There was a running/bicycle path there, that runs the length of Seattle, I've been told. As I strolled along the banks, I noticed a guy sitting on the edge, his bicycle parked by the tree. There was just something about him that made me want to say something, but, he didn't look up as I strolled by, so I kept walking.
I took some more pictures as I strolled, preparing for the travel blog that I will write this evening. As I made my way back the way I'd come, I sat on the edge of the canal a little way down from where the bike man was still sitting. After awhile of watching me write and take pictures, he made his way over to talk to me. We chatted about life and love. He has been with a girl for the last 7 years, but hasn't made the next step to marriage and children yet. He's yet standing on the fence. He has only horrible marriages to relate it to, and doesn't want to end up like his sister, divorced after a year. He, also, is uncertain of committing to just one girl for the rest of his life.  So, I told him my perspective.  1, don't be scared of change. 2, if you're not excited about it, don't do it. 3, it's shitty to not want to commit to a girl that you love- because there are other fish in the sea. There will always be other fish in the sea.  So, it's a choice.
I don't know. Why is this a thing? Every man  I know- same thing. Why have one, when you can play with them all? 


I met up with another guy for coffee this morning. It was probably one of the more intense dates I've ever been on. Too many questions! And the problem was, they should have been easy questions, favorites in music, concerts, movies, and tv shows. Traveling, life story stuff. But damn, I didn't have all the answers lined up. Favorite movie? Shit. I haven't seen a movie in months. TV show? Same deal- I hardly watch tv, ever!

The people around here kind of intimidate me. They're more athletic, more cultured, more earth centric. Probably because it's cool. But, it's city, so it's go go go all the time. Dude. Chill. hahaha. 
I still don't know where my place is. Tomorrow I'm going to go out to the coast again. Apparently there is a rain forest between here and there, and I feel like that needs to be examined also. As well as hot springs. :) Sounds like a solid plan to me anyhow.

lost

So I have arrived to my first destination and I feel lost. Should I stay? Should I go? If I stay, what do I do? If I go, where do I go?
This is a huge city. I don't really care for cities. I mean they're fine to visit, but it's so many people, and when you're alone- it's oppressively lonely. Traffic here is considerably worse than Miami, at least in Miami you always knew which way the ocean was, and that the streets would go north and south and east and west. They're a bit more jumbled here. Especially with all the little islands that make up seattle. Sigh. I don't know what to do.
I'm going to go out exploring for a bit today, see if I stumble across anything that tells me to stay. There's just been a lot going on in my life that makes me question what I'm doing. I really have no idea what I'm doing. And while that's brave, it's also scary as shit. I don't know where my place is in the world. I don't know where my people are. I don't know what life I want to lead.
When I find someone who I think matches my soul, and then find out we are on two different playing fields. I'm playing for keeps. He's playing to play because nothing is worth keeping. It's heart breaking because I care so much. I wish I didn't. I wish it didn't hurt me.
So I continue on, but I don't know how to proceed, or where to go, or where to stay. What do I invest in? What is important?
There is a tailspin happening right now and I'm so frustrated with myself. There was a northern star in my life, somewhere that I could wind up and be happy. But now that northern star exploded, and now there are just stars, how do I make my journey alone with no destination, no hope for a landing spot? All on faith? Oh faith, you tricksy beast.
I will be okay. I will right my mind to have faith in the moment and no hope for tomorrow. It will just take a minute.

continuing my journey

So far my trip has been great. Driving through places I've never been before, seeing things I had only read about. Sleeping in the car hasn't been super comfy. I'm not sure what has changed since the summer I did it for weeks upon weeks. Got used to a bed? I needed a shower too, so I decided to splurge last night and got myself a hotel room. But, sleep was strangely difficult for how tired I was, and then I woke up at 2:30 Mountain time, ready to be awake. Crazy. Didn't help though that the chipotle I'd eaten the day before did not at all agree with my system. I don't know why. Too spicy on an empty stomach maybe.
I'd met up with some friends of mine, well, probably should put them in the acquaintances list, actually. They're nice people, just super Christian. Which this trip seems to have been full of. It sounds mean, but I'm really glad that everyone else that I will see this trip, views the world more like me. I know their world, and I left it on purpose. These ones yesterday once again brought up the end of the world, which is supposed to happen in a couple of days, fyi. Super moon/particle accelerator- all this is supposed to change everything between the 24th-28th. And here I am in the mountains of Colorado away from everyone. I'm not a solitary person, but I'm okay with it. I would rather experience things with people, but if that's not possible, I'll do it myself. Much of why I'm writing this blog, and my travel blog, and writing to my unicorn.  It's a lot of writing, but I don't have much else to do!

So if the world does end as we know it, I will be fine. I packed light, and I know how to survive- I think. And I will be headed south, so I don't have to survive in winter. :-p

I'm about to venture forth and explore the mountains, the garden of the gods is calling. :)

On the road again.

So I just spent a week in Ohio, visiting friends and relaxing. It was great, but exhausting. I haven't spent that much time around friends in so long. Especially because it wasn't just the same friends, it was different ones a couple times a day, sharing my story and life. Catching up on their stories and the paths they are walking down. One of the hardest parts was to refresh into my Christian friends. I haven't been around that mindset in so long. It's just different. I am different. They are the same. So I remember the language, but I'm not quite on that stationary path. That may be unkind of me, but I didn't see movement towards greater grace, peace and love.
I did see so much despair and depression, and the lack of will to change. Not with my farm people though, the Schnabels have a sanctuary of nature and life- and it was an absolute joy to spend time with them. They are the reason I was able to stay as long as I did.

But, now it is time to move again. I must see more. Find more people. Experience more things. So here I go, on the road again.

The life of a retiree :-p

Sunday was my last day of work, and I left Monday morning for Ohio- my first stop in my adventure. I lived here for many years, actually, probably the longest I've lived anywhere, come to think of it. So it has the familiarity of "home" but I refuse to call it such because strangely, it's suffocating here for me. I can't tell you why exactly. Things I noticed, the obesity level here is high, everyone is super pale, and there is a overlying feeling of discontent in almost everyone.
Seeing people I haven't seen in a long time is awesome. Spending time at the Schnabel's house/farm, it's probably the most magic I will encounter here. Things are growing. There is joy. They are learning new things, expanding the farm. Making a learning center. Preparing for winter. It's pretty epic. There are flowers, bright yellow flowers- not sunflowers, that are taller than me! They are beautiful.
I spent some time with Fred and his daughter Barbara (who lives in Australia) she's here on a visit. That was nice. He kept telling me to stay. He's worried that something will happen to me on this adventure. But, I reminded him that I live a charmed life. Protected in every way. That is probably why I can be so free with my love- because I don't have to protect myself from anything. Interesting thought.
People keep asking me where I'm working, where I'm living now. I hadn't anticipated those questions. "I'm retired." I laugh and tell them. And then I explain that I worked 80 hours a week for the last 6 months, so I'm taking a break. Then, they look at me funny, but accept it. The where I'm living now, is more of a tricky question to answer. Because what they want from me, is where will I be going home to? I have no home. Home is where ever I am, or where I want to be. I have no plans to "return" to anywhere. I'm on a journey. Quest. Thing. :)
Speaking of which, I'm starting another blog- http://mybarefootadventures.wordpress.com This will be my public travel blog- hopefully full of pictures and words to bring everyone along on my adventure. This blog will be private- with thoughts and stories not for the general public.
That's the idea anyway.
Time to focus on some Spanish refreshers.

Vapor

I feel like a vapor, here one minute and gone the next. It doesn't take long to disappear out of lives when you're no longer in constant contact. Since I've moved as much as I have throughout my life, it's always been a struggle to maintain friendships. Life moves on whether you're a part of it or not. You feel a sense of loss without certain people in your life, but you move on.  There are 3 people that I will make the effort to hang out with in Ohio, 2 of which I stay in mediocre contact with, the other is less than that.
There is no one here that I will maintain any sort of in depth contact with, with the obvious exception of my family. I'm sure I'll keep up with my children on facebook or instagram, but besides that. My friends down in florida, there's 1. And then there's my friend out in Colorado. Strangely, that's it. What a weird superficial world we live in.
As I prepare to leave on Monday, I feel a sense of loss, but for what is undefinable. I'm glad to be going. I'm glad to have new adventures, and meet new and interesting people, and most of all, I'm glad for time to sit back and learn stuff that I haven't had time for. I'm most excited for bookstores, (which we have a distinct lack of here on the beach.)
The sense of loss may have to do with the wondering of identity- if I matter- if anyone feels the sense of loss at the lack of my presence like I feel with theirs.

I wonder if all the effort I put out is worth it.

"Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everyone sees you're blown apart. Everyone feels the wind blow." So today I feel like a vapor in the wind. Here one day and gone the next. 


I've been working non-stop since Thursday, so my exhaustion level is way up there. I went to the store yesterday in between shifts and couldn't even force myself out of the car to go in. I put my seat back and slept in the parkinglot for two hours before making myself go in and grab what I needed before heading straight for work #2.
Tomorrow though, tomorrow is my full day off of work. I can't wait.
...I should clean my car tomorrow.. and finish packing.
Adventures await.

Old conversations

I don't have much in the way of things. But I have a lot on my computer. A lot of old conversations saved from instant messaging. A lot of things I wrote, stories, articles. I don't feel different than I was at 18, but I am. Considerably. 
Even just reading old letters to the first guy I for real crushed on. He was smarter than me, and helped me grow, helped me to think about things from different perspectives. That was just 5 years ago, and the amount I've changed and grown since then is astronomical. That's part of the reason I dread going back to Ohio every time. I love to see old friends, but the fact remains, life keeps changing us. When you don't do life together on a regular basis, you loose track of where people are on their paths. You don't realize they aren't the same as they were when you were there beside them. Things have changed. Experience has taught them or broken them.

Strangely fitting how much of my life memories are not things. Not even pictures... but words. Journals, conversations. Some of which have been lost, but some remain. It's painful at times to relive old conversations- questioning how you could've been so naïve. But such is how it goes, the painful process of becoming an adult- trying to break free from imposed thoughts and teachings.


My mind is quieter today. I needed to release some things. I needed the introspection that comes with writing things down. It's almost time to quiet it down completely. I can't wait. Solving only the problems of the moment, and only my own problems. It seems strange to even consider it.  I am so looking forward to the amount of learning I am going to do on this journey I am under taking. I am going to stop and read a lot, I think. There's so much I don't know and things I want to know and experience. One day at a time. Joy in the moments.

Safe

"You feel safe to me", he tells me last night. I laugh, "what?! I'm glad?"  "No, but for real, I don't have to worry about you being upset with me. I can tell you everything. You're safe."  "I'm glad you feel that way." I respond, but inside I'm thinking Shit. shit. shit. Not that I'm upset that he thinks I'm safe, but there is that look in his eye, that he has feelings for me that I don't reciprocate.  He had needed to vent about work, so I joined him for dinner to talk about it. He's been my only friend down here. But then he wanted to prolong it with a walk on the beach. There was a strange conversation about religion. But when I asked him why he brought it up, he couldn't really say.  I think it had something to do with him knowing that he's an alcoholic and needing to do something about it- he just isn't ready yet.


Another guy I know back in Ohio texted me today wanting to make sure I saved a lunch or dinner date for him. Of course I will, but goddamn. Why all of a sudden? I don't like it. Not at all.
It actually makes me very uncomfortable, and very much on the defensive. Which is weird for me, I'm not used to operating like that. But I feel like a porcupine. I'm just doing my thing, I'll be nice to you, but if you reach out to touch me, the bristles stand up. Hang on. I didn't say you could do that.

I don't want anyone else. There's only one.



I called my brother to tell him I would be there next week. I kept forgetting to tell him.  I reminded him that it's been way too long since we had a conversation. His response was that he felt like I disapproved of him every time we talked of late.  That was upsetting. I never meant to come across like that. No, I don't understand the choices that he makes. I don't understand why comic-con and twitter celebrity friends are important to him. It's not real to me. But that doesn't mean I disapprove of him. I just don't understand. 
There are so many misunderstandings in all relationships, especially when you aren't near-by to see all the body language and the looks of the eyes. Things that are left unsaid. Words that you don't know how to communicate. Feelings impossible to quantify.

Steadily onwards

Things progress, one step at a time. Still falling apart steadily. I'm anxious to finally leave. Trying to work my way off the schedule, even though I could use the extra money that I'll be making by staying the full time. The never ending lesson in patience. Ironically, everyone that's been causing me grief at job #2 weren't there the 2 days of me managing. They obviously still know that I will hold everything together in their absence.
I'll be on my way soon.
Watching the skies. Making final arrangements. Buying the last of the necessities that will be required at some point during my venture that I would need shipped to me, rather than buying on the fly.

Finishing the last credit counseling required by the state of Florida in filing bankruptcy. They require you to stay on the page for a certain amount of time, and even though it takes me less than 2 minutes to read each page, the majority of them make you stay on the page for 10 minutes before switching to the next. Very frustrating. What could be a very short process is taking forever.

Things with the unicorn did not end completely. He tends to overthink things and wants to protect me. Which is kind, but unnecessary. For now, just taking it one day at a time, making no plans, just seeing how things develop. I am not quite free to maneuver as I'd like. 14 more days. The countdown has begun.

The full story of the Unicorn and the Wizardess rewritten

The Tale of The Unicorn and the Wizardess
by Leighannah Austin

I rummaged through the papers in the box. What is this? I pulled from the box a leather bound notebook. It was one of those old fashioned journals with a heart shaped lock to keep intruders from reading it. But the key was attached by a thread, so I had to see what was inside.

The yellowed pages were musty and the scrawl close to illegible.

“To the one that I love.” It was dedicated, followed with “2 more minutes, and I’ll be there. Forever the figure of my dreams.”

This must’ve been an early work of my aunt’s. Obviously it had been too personal to publish.

Flipping it open, I read the title “The Unicorn and the Wizardess: a tale of love and magic.”

“Once upon a time there was a land much like our own today. The difference was there was magic about. Some creatures wielded it naturally, some wielded it for good, others for bad. Still others had no magic at all. Most creatures in this world were born with magic, but lost it as they grew up. They would forget the powers that were given to them at birth with the onslaught of dark forces that stole magical powers. In this land there was a wizardess. She wielded the magic of peace, love and harmony. She had somehow withstood the onslaught of the dark forces and had overcome them while she was yet young. Now they still would come for her, but found her to be a formidable enemy whenever they did battle.
The wizardess was alone in her journey through life. She had hoped to find the mythical creature known as a unicorn.  The lore had always told tales of the beautiful connection between wizardess’ and unicorns. But everyone knew that the unicorns had gone extinct before her time, so she traveled her path and kept an eye out for some magical creature that would be her companion. There had been twice she had thought she might have found one to travel with her, but she had been mistaken.  Once it had been a rhinoceros, and the other had merely been a horse.  The horse had looked like a Pegasus, so she had thought he had magic.  Alas, the wings had merely been clip on wings.
So on she journeyed.  It was a pity that there were no such things as unicorns, the other creatures of magic would never be able to understand her like a unicorn.
She made many friends along the way. Some were creatures of magic, but mostly just the ones that had forgotten their origins. The wizardess could not and would not settle for the donkeys, whales, and old goats that were ever drawn to her magic.
The path she had been taking grew wearisome, so the wizardess started planning a far off journey.  It was time for her to venture out to see the wonders of the world.  Maybe there would be new and interesting magical creatures and places.
As she was making her preparations, she heard something on the wind.  Something that carried with it that familiar hint of magic.
The sound had come from far away, and she couldn't see that far. So she used her magical senses to feel it out. As she explored she trembled with excitement, the magic that touched hers in return could only come from one source.  That mythical creature that everyone knew was long extinct, was there, hidden from sight. He has sensed her magic and had sent out a pulse of his own.
"Come to me, dear heart." She called to him.

                                               *     *    *    *   *    *    *     *     *     *

 As I flipped the pages of the journal, pictures fell out. Pictures of flowers, pictures of hills and skies, pictures of sand and oceans, sun rises and sunsets. The romance of beauty. On the bottom of each page was a song title and artist, or simply a lyric from a long forgotten song, or an old classic.  The first one was written in a heart-shaped doodle, the lyrics from the classic from Frank Sinatra “Come Fly with Me”. My aunt had a collection of Frank Sinatra movies and songs, even a painting that my mother had made for her one year.  It must have held a lot of significance to her.

I started reading again.

 

“ Long ago the unicorn was born, at first it didn't realize that it was different from the rest of the creatures. The other creatures looked at it as though it were deformed in someway, not realizing that it was in fact, a unicorn, and a magical being. The unicorn tried to love and be loved, but each time, he would come away with scars. Then one day after he had nearly given up on finding another magical creature who would understand him and not see him as deformed, he happened across a wizardess. He could feel her magic as she brushed past his outer senses. She wielded strong magic.

When she saw his magical powers from afar and called to him, he kept his distance. Looking and wondering as he saw this strange being. She appeared safe, but she could be dangerous, far more dangerous than the other creatures he had met along the way. The power of the magic she wielded was strong, so one day their magic touched. The distance that still separated them was enough to keep it from enveloping them, but the sparks flew as the tendrils of magic touched.

 
As with all acts of magic, the dark forces sensed it, and came to contain and destroy. They attacked first the wizardess, - the unicorn tried to help, but he was so far away and unused to sending magic. As her strength started to fail, they attacked the unicorn. But this had an unanticipated reaction from the wizardess that the dark forces did not expect. Her magic and fight did not dissolve, instead, it grew with leaps and bounds and fought to pass through the dark forces to reach the unicorn. The magic that she sent could be used by him to help combat the forces that threatened him. Their combined magic could keep the dark forces at bay.
“Wield the power of love, my unicorn. The dark forces cannot combat it. The rainbows you create baffle them, and you can escape. Come to me, my unicorn, we will ride away together, our magic entwined so naught can penetrate it,” the  wizardess called to him.
“Don't be scared of my magic, let it pass through your shield. I promise it won't hurt, and the dark will not pass through with it. I will fight it off of you from the outside, as much as I can, but letting me in would help the fight. We could defeat it entirely - together.”

But alas, the unicorn could not. He wanted to so badly, but he was trapped. It was only a matter of time before he would finally break free, but he was still stuck.  What if she thought he didn’t have enough magic if he couldn’t even break free from this thing that he was caught in?  The wizardess deserved so much better than a scarred unicorn. Other creatures had already asked for his help once he was free from the trap.  He had a mission and his time was not his own. But he couldn’t tell her, not yet.

 *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *   *  *  *

 

The wizardess continued to try coax the unicorn into coming closer, that she was safe. But then one day, he stopped. "This isn't real." He said suddenly, and before her eyes, transformed into a man. A beautiful man, but no longer a unicorn. "I cannot be a unicorn anymore. I have to be real. You may have your magic, but I must see it in real life to believe. I cannot keep playing along. It's not fair to either of us."
So the wizardess dropped her veil of magic. "I knew all along that you were not really a unicorn. I know that you are a flesh and blood man, who must experience and touch and feel. But I am so far away, I thought the illusion would help with the distance until the distance can be shortened. See me, oh man, for who I am. A flesh and blood woman. With fire in her veins, and a wellspring of love in her heart. I saw you and thought I saw what I had been waiting for my whole life. "

When the wizardess let down the veil of magical fantasy that had surrounded them, the unicorn revealed why it was taking him so long to get to her. He was stuck in a mire. If he tried to take a step, he would be sunk even further. And not only that, but deep in the mire were thorns and they stabbed and scratched at him until he bled, but still he had to wait. There were also people to save, and he could only save them by staying. "Beloved wizardess, I would have been there the moment you called, had I been able. There was no need for all the magic. But wait I must, until help arrives." The wizardess ached for him, with the knowledge of the pain and frustration that she had added to his life since he had shielded her from witnessing his pain. But now she was no longer in the dark. Now she could be more careful. So she waited, sending what magic she could to ease his suffering instead of adding to it. "Be strong my unicorn, help is coming. The universe has heard my call combined with yours. It is coming. Soon you will be free, and I will tend to your cuts and bruises."

The day help arrived, it didn’t have the outcome that the wizardess anticipated. She had thought that the unicorn would be free and they would be able to travel together down the path of life. But he said to her as he stepped from the mire, still bleeding and alone, "Wizardess, you cannot follow me where I have to go. I must go alone. "

The wizardess cried.

"My unicorn, for you will always be my unicorn, go in peace. If my presence causes suffering then it is not the time for our paths to merge.
It hurts me to let go. I don't want to, for I have seen your soul and I love it. But I cannot fight for you if you don't want me to. " the wizardess replied.

And so the wizardess turned away from the disappearing figure of the unicorn as he trotted off on his quest to distant lands. There was a pain in her heart, but it would be okay. Now she knew there was a unicorn that still existed on this planet, and while she would never lay eyes on him, or touch his skin, their magic had touched, and it had been a beautiful thing.

As she turned away he glanced back, “Oh beloved,” he whispered to the wind, “I love your soul. I must heal, and I don’t want you to wait for me. If you found me, there may be other unicorns on your path. Keep going, keep searching. If and when I am better, I will hunt you down and see if you have found yourself another unicorn, and if the time is right, I will reveal myself once again.”
But the wizardess couldn’t quite catch the words. The only word she heard was “love”. And she turned around to watch once again. His back was still to her.

The wizardess continued on her journey. He loved her. That was enough for now. The future was yet unwritten, and she knew the power of love. If their paths never merged again, so be it, but the magic of love is based on hope and the future is written only one day at a time. “

*   *  *  *  *   *  *  *  *  *

There were tear stains on the last page. I had several aunts, but I hadn’t really grown up around this aunt. She was always off in some other part of the world having grand adventures that she would write about.  She did have a man that she loved. I wondered if he was the unicorn she had written about. I’d have to ask her the next time we talked.

....as if my day wasn't hard enough already

An excerpt from a letter to my unicorn
 "My day has been just one long day of bad ness. I was the only person at work until 8:30, normally there's 4 by that point. So I was running around. Then when 1 more person finally showed up late she was hungover and almost worthless. There was an evil man who needed to speak to a manager, so he decided to rip me a new one because he  was entitled to better service than he got at first. He had to wait 10 minutes to be seated and then there was no sugars on the table or silverware because we had been so busy it had gotten swiped off the table by another that had run out.  He didn't care that we were understaffed because that was obviously just bad management and we needed to get it together for him tomorrow. Because he deserved it. (his very words) there was a lot more, but I just took it. As if I wasn't hanging on by a thread to keep all of the other customers happy. His was the only complaint and it was a doozy. I tried so hard this morning.

Then got your letter.

Then I got home- and got I told you so's. Then mail came, and I got a letter from the apt. complex charging me $850 even though hey had said in the walk thru that I was fine and I would get my deposit back.

And then the lawyer telling me that the bank isn't separating my car from the credit card, so there is no telling exactly how much I still owe on it. So I can't get the title before I leave. And who knows when all that will get cleared up. "

 

 

change of plans

So because I had anticipated the turn out of the end of the unicorn/wizardess story, I have been thinking about my change of plans. No more Costa Rica, because the only point to going there was that there was a beautiful man who had potential, and it sounded like a cool place to adventure.
I think I shall revert to my original plans. I have zero desire to stay here any longer, so I will still leave soon to be in Ohio for Maggie's birthday. From there, I'll go out to Colorado and see my mafia guys and spend some time with Eve. I'll venture forth from there to Seattle- find out what awaits me there for the winter, and then Europe in the spring. One step at a time.

Work has been utterly rotten at both places these past few days so I'm just anxious to go. It's time.  It's funny how in the end, when I decided I've had enough, things always fall apart so completely that it's obviously time to go.

I think I'm going to sleep my afternoon away- I'm so far behind in sleep, and it will take all that I have to regain my equilibrium. No regrets. My love is ever freely given. One day maybe it will be returned, but until that day, they needed it more than I apparently. :)

In which the unicorn says goodbye

"Wizardess, you cannot follow me where I have to go. I must go alone. "
The wizardess cried.
"My unicorn, for you will always be my unicorn, go in peace. If my presence causes suffering then it is not the time for our paths to merge.
It hurts me to let go. I don't want to, for I have seen your soul and I love it. But I cannot fight for you if you don't want me to. " the wizardess replied.
And so the wizardess turned away from the disappearing figure of the unicorn as he trotted off on his quest to distant lands. There was a pain in her heart, but it would be okay. Now she knew there was a unicorn that still existed on this planet, and while she would never lay eyes on him, or touch his skin, their magic had touched, and it had been a beautiful thing.

The blues

At the end of my leash.
I shouldn't have worked as much as I have over the summer.  I feel like I made everything go round held everything together on a fragile balance and now it's all being kicked out from under me. If you take away all my foundation props I can't guarantee the places aren't going to fall apart.  I'm sorry.


And on top of that, some woman I barely know,  met her a couple years ago at a music event- she calls me today in a fit of drunken depression.  I don't know how to fix that.  I don't know what she needs, I don't know how to help. So once again my hands are tied.

My unicorn is going to Costa Rica the day after tomorrow.  Which means I can't see him, nor can I send him the thing I'd hoped to have him take with him. Which is a bummer. But he's so excited for this new adventure,  I'm happy for him. September 15th can't get here soon enough.

reminiscent

I am reveling in my lazy day. I have a full day off of work, and nothing planned. I should at some point shower and get dressed.... I should also go to the bank and get my oil changed.  At this point I'm not feeling super motivated though.  I've been going through old memories. Just remembering what was.
These whole past few months here on the outer banks have really just been a blur of working. It's been good to be here, I think. I've gotten closer with the little sisters. Especially with Jerusha, since I have recently brought her in to start working with me. Tonight is her first night working there without me, and she's nervous. Apparently for all the times I've made her cry because I force her outside of her comfort zone, I have the ability to calm her down when she's freaking out.
It feels like time has moved so fast, it was just March the other day, now it's fixing to be September.
Except where my unicorn is concerned. Time slows down in that area. I've been waiting so long. But not much longer now. The countdown has begun.

Last night I managed to swing a $4.50 raise per hour. Which is crazy and awesome. Even still I'm uncertain how I managed to pull that off, but there are no complaints here. I've made a good amount of money these past two days alone. Nearly $500. Which is epic. And, it only will continue. This is really good because I was starting to worry about the lack of money that's been able to be saved. I want to be able to leave soon, but it wasn't looking like it was going to be feasible. Now, though, a couple more weeks and I'll be down the road. I can't wait.
I think at this point my plan is to be out around the 15th of September, because I'd really like to see my best friend and her baby for her birthday on the 16th because I have yet to meet the child. I feel really bad as though I'm neglecting my best friend duties. But it could not be helped. And after a short visit there, I'm off on my adventure.

The tale of the unicorn and the wizardess part 1

In the beginning.

Once upon a time there was a wizardess. She wielded the magic of peace, love and harmony.
She was alone in her journey through life. She had hoped to find the mythical creature known as a unicorn.  But everyone knew that they had gone extinct before her time.
There had been twice she had been mistaken.  Once it had been a rhinoceros,  and the other had merely been a horse.  The horse had looked like a Pegasus,  so she had thought he had magic.  Alas, the wings had merely been clip on wings.
So on she journeyed.  There were no such things as unicorns, but there were other creatures of magic. They would never be able to understand her like a unicorn would (for all the old lore has always spoken of the partnership between wizardess' and unicorns as legendary) but these other creatures of magic would be her friends on the many paths she would explore. The wizardess could not and would not settle for the donkeys,  whales, and old goats that were ever drawn to her magic.
The laws of magic require magical beings to partner with other magical beings. Some magical creatures refuse to observe this law and loose their abilities.

The wizardess started planning a far off journey.  She would venture out to see the wonders of the world.  Maybe there would be new and interesting magical creatures and places.
As she was making her preparations,  she heard something on the wind.  Something that carried with it that familiar hint of magic.  What could it be? she wondered.
The sound had come from far away,  and she couldn't see that far. So she used her magical senses to feel it out. As she explored she trembled with excitement,  the magic that touched hers in return could only come from one source.  That mythical creature that everyone knew was long extinct,  was there, hidden from sight. He has sensed her magic and had sent out a pulse of his own.
"Come to me,  dear heart." She called to him.

The little goals

What's on the agenda for today?
Nap. Check.
Writing. Doing that now. Check.
Beach... if I don't do it before work, I'm for sure going after work. It's going to be another beautiful night.


The story of the wizardess and the unicorn continues. Not quite as before, more carefully, and with more love.
When the wizardess let down the veil of magical fantasy that had surrounded them, the unicorn revealed why it was taking him so long to get to her. He was stuck in a mire, help had been called, but he wasn't free. If he tried to take a step, he would be sunk even further. And not only that, but deep in the mire were thorns and they stabbed and scratched at him until he bled, but still he had to wait. There were also people to save, and he could only save them by staying. "Beloved wizardess, I would have been there the moment you called, had I been able. There was no need for all the magic. But wait I must, until help arrives." The wizardess wept. The pain and frustration that she had added to his life since he had shielded her from witnessing his pain. But now she was no longer in the dark. Now she could be more careful. So she waited, sending what magic she could to ease his suffering instead of adding to it. "Be strong my unicorn, help is coming. The universe has heard my call combined with yours. It is coming. Soon you will be free, and I will tend to your cuts and bruises."

In which the unicorn becomes a man

The story of the unicorn and wizardess continued down the path of fantasy. The wizardess continued to try coax the unicorn into coming closer, that she was safe. But then one day, he stopped. "This isn't real." He said suddenly, and before her eyes, transformed into a man. A beautiful man, but no longer a unicorn. "I cannot be a unicorn anymore. I have to be real. You may have your magic, but I must see it in real life to believe. I cannot keep playing along. It's not fair to either of us."
So the wizardess dropped her veil of magic. "I knew all along that you were not really a unicorn. I know that you are a flesh and blood man, who must experience and touch and feel. But I am so far away, I thought the illusion would help with the distance until the distance can be shortened. See me, oh man, for who I am. A flesh and blood woman. With fire in her veins, and a wellspring of love in her heart. I saw you and thought I saw what I had been waiting for my whole life. "

And she waited. Now it was up to the man to decide. Things could not go back to the way they were to begin with, there was now too much history. The illusion had been laid too long and too well to go back to like it was when they first saw eachother.
She cringed at the thoughts of her mistakes. How she may have ruined something beautiful through miscalculations and inexperience. Her magic had never worked on a boy before, why would she have thought that it would work now. Her magic was merely good at coincidences, and finding joy, and usually the both were combined. "Stick to what you know, test the waters, but don't magic another person. It can break them."  She recited to herself.


And so the story goes.

The end of an era and other things

So I scheduled myself off 3 days this week. I went down to Florida- took care of the apartment. Avoided speaking to, or seeing Josh, though he cost me the whole first day of cleaning. But, I went to see my firefighters. As luck would have it, they were all there. Matt happened to be downstairs working out so he saw me and came to open the door. If he hadn't been, there would've been no way for me to get their attention- the new firehouse is 2 stories and their living quarters are upstairs. Ironically they had apparently been talking about me that very day. They were in awe of me just showing up out of the blue like that. What can I say, I have magical coincidental powers.  I went and got icecream at my friends homemade icecream place, and then went to sit on the beach to try and refresh my soul. It was in panic mode. Not only was I stressed about the unknown of what I'd be walking into as far as the apartment goes, but I had this bankruptcy court- had no idea what  to expect. One of my old co-workers saw that I was back in town and decided to booty call me. I try and laugh it off, or deliberately misunderstand- but it stresses me out. I am not that kind of girl, never have been, never will be. You have a girl you're planning on marrying. Be true.
And my unicorn was once again MIA. More on that later. Basically my soul needed the ocean. It was good to sit for awhile.
My friend whose house I was staying in, was actually out of town- but she left me keys and her dogs to care for. Unbeknownst to me, she also had another friend also staying there. That was incredibly awkward. And the dogs wouldn't stop barking at every little thing. I hardly slept both nights due to this and too many thoughts on my mistakes.
I got all of the big stuff out to the trash the next morning. I think it was somewhere around 20 trashbags- plus the kitchen table and chairs and book case and side table. Justin came over to help me grab the mattress, recliner and couch and bring those over to the dumpster. I told him to wear gloves. It was so disgusting. I almost barfed so many times. There was a pizza with a mold forest growing on top still in the oven. There was the litter box, still full of cat litter and shit- there were hair balls the cat had barfed up on all the window sills. The toilets hadn't been cleaned since I left it looked like. It was so gross. And the roaches were in full infestation mode. SO MANY BUGS. Finally the morning was over and everything was out. It was about 90* in the apartment because apparently the air conditioning was broken again. so my plan was to come back in the evening and start cleaning-
So I ran up to my old work and said hi to them, took longer than anticipated, and then CJ wanted to meet for lunch- also took longer than anticipated- then I rushed to the courthouse. Got there early, waited- it was my turn, it took 5 minutes, and then it was official.
My dad's cousin had asked to meet up after court, but she wasn't answering her phone so I went back home. 45 minutes later she calls, and wants to meet up. It takes about 40 minutes to get to her house with rush hour traffic, and then another while to go to the place we're getting dinner. Suffice to say, I didn't end up getting back until 9. Went to the apartment and cleaned for a solid two hours and only got 2 rooms done out of 5. I was exhausted, so I went back to my bed and slept for a little while. Made it back to the apartment by 5 something this morning and had the rest of it done by 7:45. Went home to shower, made it back to the apartment to do the walk thru at 8:30. Everything was good, so I went to drop off the modem and boarded my plane.
Crazy enough, found one of my regulars from the cafe at check-in. He was delighted to see me, and ended up being on the same plane as me only a couple seat away. Crazy.
Now I'm home and in my bed, absolutely and utterly exhausted. Doubles at work for the foreseeable future. Probably good so I don't have time to think. The drive to and from Richmond- 3 hours of nothing but my thoughts and the radio, was rough.

As far as that goes- the moral of the story is that I've once again made a mistake. But this one was a series of them and I don't think it's fixable.
This thing people call love is outside of my area of expertise, so I pretend I know what I'm doing and run with it. And then it blows up. Another failed experiment.

Changes

So they hired my replacement at work, which is awesome. I'm not sure how it'll actually work out, but in theory, this is great. I'm going to go back to waiting tables, and hopefully make some extra money- and make enough to call it quits soon. We'll see though. It seems like all the time something else comes up. But I should only have like $1200 left on my car payment- and then that's taken care of, then I can reduce my car insurance and switch it up to NC instead of Florida- which will take a lot off of my monthly payment. - then there will be no more debt of any kind because I get all that taken care of on Monday. This is super exciting. Everything fresh and clear.
My sister and I pitched in to send my parents up to my dad's highschool reunion. He really wanted to go, but couldn't afford to go, so we gave them the money. It's good for him to be around friends.
I'm super nervous about the state of the apartment, I wonder what it's going to be like. I wonder if Josh is moved out. I'll see tomorrow. I won't have the time or wherewithal to do some of the things I really wanted to do, this being the last time I'll be in Florida. But, it's okay.


There's a lot I wonder about. I have no idea what I'm doing in regards to my unicorn. Basically, I feel like I'm putting it all out there on faith. There are so many times when I feel like I don't know him barely at all. There's so much I don't know and some days this really bothers me. It's not the simple things, like what his favorite color is, though I just asked that the other day, it's the things  like what makes him tick. Why does he respond in the ways he does? What makes him laugh? What inspires him? What motivates him? Is he not thinking or feeling things is that why he doesn't respond sometimes? Or does he just choose not to share for reasons of his own? I just can't tell.  Do I push too hard and he doesn't respond because of that? I don't know. I have no idea what he needs from me.
I need reassurance-I am so out of my comfort zone. It's not like I've ever been in this situation before. I've never liked a guy this much. And I've never shared this much of my soul before. Ever. To anyone. It's scary. I try not to think about it.
I guess if I put it in to words, it feels like I've chosen to share my love, but I don't trust yet. He hasn't won me yet. As it should be, I guess. I can't wait to see that face in person and be able to read the eyes and see what they say, if I can trust or not.
He (un)intentially? pushes me away sometimes, so that's when I start to wonder, because I don't know what's going on in his head.

Those are my thoughts for the evening.

Cries of the soul

The hypothetical story of the mythical creature- the unicorn. Long ago the unicorn was born, at first it didn't realize that it was different from the rest of the creatures. The other creatures looked at it as though it were deformed in someway, not realizing that it was in fact, a unicorn, and a magical being. The unicorn tried to love and be loved, but each time, he would come away with scars. Then one day after he had nearly given up on finding another magical creature who would understand him and not see him as deformed, one day he happened across a wizardess. She wielded magic. She saw his magical powers from afar and called to him. He kept his distance at first just looking and wondering as he saw this strange being. She looked safe, but she could be dangerous, far more dangerous than the other creatures he had met along the way. But the power of the magic she wielded was strong, so one day their magic touched. The distance that still separated them was enough to keep it from enveloping them, but the sparks flew as the tendrils of magic touched.
As with all acts of magic, the dark forces seek to contain and destroy, so they attacked. They attacked first the wizardess, - the unicorn tried to help, but he was so far away and he was unused to sending magic. As her strength started to fail, they attacked the unicorn. But this had an unanticipated reaction from the wizardess that the dark forces did not expect. Her magic and fight did not dissolve, instead, it grew with leaps and bounds and fought to pass through the dark forces to reach the unicorn. The magic that she sent could be used by him to help combat the forces that threatened him. Their combined magic could keep the dark forces at bay, for it is hard to defeat the darkness on your own.
Wield the power of love, my unicorn. The dark forces cannot combat it. The rainbows you create baffle them, and you can escape. Come to me, my unicorn, we will ride away together, our magic entwined so naught can penetrate it.
Don't be scared of my magic, let it pass through your shield. I promise it won't hurt, and the dark will not pass through with it. I will fight it off of you from the outside, as much as I can, but letting me in would help the fight. We could defeat it entirely - together.

Sleep was the key.

I slept all afternoon and then left to watch the sunset on pea island. It was magical. I just sat and relaxed. I had both bosses call me to see if I needed today's shifts taken care of. It's nice to be worried about. But, no. I've been okay to work today. My only stress today was anxiety for a MIA unicorn. But then he reappeared, a little worse for the wear, but there never-the-less. To reach down and pull out the love that I have and share it with him due to his bad weekend, it was surprisingly healing to myself. I don't know that it did anything for him, but, getting past my own life and just grasping the love - interesting phenomena.

I have yet to decide how to plot the course of my next step. I don't know if I should quit or ask for a raise. If it was a raise, it would have to be a $6.00 raise, which seems astronomical to me. I just don't know how I can afford to jump ship without it though. I shouldn't have to sacrifice my dreams for the betterment of other peoples lives, but I do. All the time. I need to figure out how to do both.

Peace and love have regained my heart and mind.  

I called off work.

I can't believe I did that. But, after nearly getting to tears at work this morning- I need sleep and to figure myself outside of this state I've gotten myself into. Why now.  That's my biggest question. I don't understand why all of a sudden this past week I've been so completely stressed at work that I am not in my happy place and I can't find it. At work both job, I am continually putting out fires. Not literal fires of course, emotional, hot headed children- cooks, customers and the super combustible combination of all of it. The owner and the owners son who are the only other people there with more leverage than me- are hot headed themselves and while they are good with customers, they fail epically when speaking to their staff. So I have to fix it. All the time.  Every single one of my children have asked me not to schedule them on my day off. Sorry kids, but I need a day off too. You have to work without me. If I wasn't there, there isn't a one of them that would still be working there. Now that next week the kids start leaving to go away to college, the staff drops in half and I have to figure out a way to maintain high quality service with half the staff. I don't know how it's going to work.
I feel like all of a sudden I'm realizing how much money I'm  not making, plus the weight of 2 restaurants. I have to pay off the $2000 on my car and then I have no more payments of any kind. This whole thing of paying everything down in Florida while living here- plus giving my parents money, I've probably spent $5700. So, it's a good thing it's only money. I just have no idea how I'm going to pull everything together when I am this burnt out right now.

I hate feeling like this. I hate that my focus is outside of the moment, but I'm having difficulty reigning it in. Solve the problems, save the world at Peppercorns and the Dunes has been how my brain has been rewired to think these past 5 months. But then somehow have hit my breaking point.

My unicorn has been a bright spot in my life without a doubt. Everything is better. But at the same time there is a level of stress there also, because I've never met him, I don't know if this is real or imaginary. There is so much that I fill in the blanks for. The other day he decided to fill in some of the blanks, but then he withdrew again. I want to doubt that it was intentional, but that stresses me out too, when I'm in the fragile state that I am in.  And I don't want it to. I want to be rational and be okay, but I'm not. I need to be held and not have to be strong at least for a little while, because some times life is a lot.
But the thing is, this is never an option for me. Whenever I have gotten to this point before, I always have to take care of it. Suck it up and get over it.

I'm tired. I'm going to sleep the afternoon away I think. Maybe I'll be better after that.  

Opportunities and regrets

My coworker Todd is in his early 30's.  He took a break from school, never to return.  Instead he chooses to live a life full of bitterness and regrets for opportunities that have passed him by since he did not ever act on them.
This seems to be a thing for almost everyone I know.  They feel incapable of doing the things that they would like to do, so settle for less.  If you want it, make it happen.  Move heaven and earth to rearrange for the life you want.  If you aren't sure what you want, pick something.  You can always change your mind.  And chances are, because you started one thing, you'll be better prepared for achieving whatever it is you decide on.  Therefore,  no regrets.

For me, I want adventure.  I want love. I want to make this world a better place for merely being in it.  I have no grand ambition,  but when I find those things that matter to me,  I will do everything in my power to keep them and make them even better.