the eve

It's the eve of a new year and what to show for it?

I read back on my post from last year... I said that I would love, that I would enjoy the processes. And I have. I have loved-  and enjoyed the moments. So I guess it's been a success.
I feel incredibly out of sorts today, probably because it's a period day and the desires that are in full force.

I cried out to the Father today, I just ache. There is a hole, and I don't want to feel it. It's really strange, and I have no idea what to do. There's a part of me that just wants to go out and find someone else. But then another side of being fine, and not wanting the hassle and the emotions.  But I miss someone meshing with me completely- someone to laugh with, someone to flirt with, someone to plan adventures with, someone to make the world a better place with. Someone to talk to about God, someone to inspire me to be better. Someone who thinks I'm awesome.

I could choose any number of guys if I only required a partial list, but the thing is, I can't settle, no matter how much my body craves a man, no matter how much I miss the connection of souls.


This year brought so many ups and downs. Hope and heartache, friends and dismissal.
I don't know what next year will bring. But I pray that the limbo ceases, that things settle. That I figure out how and why and what to do.

loss and brokenness

Do what is right
they always say
but what is right
who is to say

relationships broken
anger and hurt
does everything past
count now as dirt?

Lost and confused
how did this happen
what can I do?
can miracles happen?

One day at a time
is all I can do
and to only myself
can I be true.

thoughts at midight

Not so long ago I wrote a short little ditty about how my heart was like a bungalow on the beach.  Doors and windows flung open,  rooms for everyone.  There has only been a few renters,  once it was nearly given away,  but the recipient backed out. 

It's a funny thing my imagination.  This house I live in now,  it reminds me of the house in my imagination.  Obviously it's not on the beach,  it isn't bigger on the inside and come with unlimited rooms.  But!  It's white and wood,  and there's at least 3 windows per room.  As long as the sun is out it brightens up my house.
There is a peace,  a serenity living here.  Filling it with plants and beautiful things,  filling my living room with friends and laughter. ... that is my future.

I listen to sermons as I go to sleep most nights. I know that's super weird, but it keeps my brain focused.  Somehow everything I listen to, not on purpose, is themed around not giving up, to hope, to trust even when there is only darkness ahead. 
Especially now for Christmas, the theme is always hope. It's a word that brings an ache to my soul.  I always have hope, even if it's an unknowable hope. I don't know exactly what I'm hoping for.

I just miss him this time of year especially because it was between thanksgiving and the middle of january that I was with him. I got dressed this morning, and then realized that I was wearing the same thing I wore the day I moved there and saw him for the second time. I forget so many things, why can't he just fade into the past? 

christmas and hope

I still continue to struggle with expectations, and the disappointments that come with that. 

I dreamt again last night, probably because he uploaded a new song. "What Prayers Sometimes Sound Like"- and he says in the lyrics that he is childless and loveless. There are so many things I wish I could say to him.  'You may not have the love you wanted, but there is still one who loves you true.'  'The demons of your mind that torture you hold you in a path of despair. Take action. Use love to win the war. It/HE is the one who holds power over all things.  There is a battle for your mind, to keep it in the past, with what might have been.  But surface from that pool that drowns you, now in this moment, what steps can be taken?  If there are no physical steps, grow yourself- teach yourself to love like Jesus. Each step of the way, each person you cross, each annoyance, each joy- give freedom to the LOVE within you- and Jesus will shine through. 

The thing is though, I cannot say these things to him. 

In the dream, he was holding two rulers- on the end of each was an engraved heart.  He held them up to a calendar- he looked up and saw me. I hesitated I wasn't sure if I should stay or go, I knew how much he hated me now.  "Come see," he said. I went over to him and looked. "9 and 4" I said, as I saw it, barely containing the excitement. "You realize what this means?"  "13!!" we both said together. "It's a sign. Never give up HOPE." he said. 

Once I was awake I puzzled over it. I don't know what the heart rulers meant, and I don't understand the calendar. But I do understand the 13. I also understand "never give up hope". 

My dreams are strange. 

dreams of you

I dreamt of you last night.
In the dream I was with your mom, she got a phone call from some old friends of hers. They were going to be at your house for Christmas Eve. She hadn't planned on going over there at all, and the weather was bad, so she was telling them that she wouldn't be able to drive her car over there. I volunteered to drive her, to which she gratefully accepted. There was this whole discussion of me telling her how I couldn't stay too because you would be there.  But when I brought her, it was insisted upon that I should stay. I came inside, your house wasn't quite the same as in real life- as dreams are wont to do. I could see Ian and Brandy sitting on the couch in the living room. I got the impression you were with them just around the corner out of my view point, so I didn't enter the room. I had zero desire to foist myself on you. Your mom went in there to see her friends also, so I made my way out to the yard.
I find myself back inside sitting at a table. Ian and Brandy join me, as does your mom. And then you come around the corner. You are in a mechanical wheelchair- paralyzed- with limited movement.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I saw you. "I didn't know. Motorcycle accident?" I asked. "Yes. But I get around okay with these eight buttons." There was humor in your eyes. I slid out of my chair to the floor,hugging my knees and sobbing.
It was impressed upon me that this wasn't permanent. But the look in your eyes- the anger and pain were gone. Just humor and love were left. It was the fact that this was the catalyst for you to learn truly- the love of God, and you couldn't play your guitar or walk - but there was humor in your eyes.  I woke myself up. I couldn't dream this dream.
I fell back to sleep.
 I was still without a home. Staying with random people. Your mom had moved back in, and she insisted that I spend a night there. You were home, so I didn't want to. I managed to avoid you, but when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you were asleep on the couch. I tripped over your feet as I walked back to the bed where I was sleeping. You stirred but didn't wake. But then as I headed up the stairs I saw you just looking at me. I got back into bed, all worried because I didn't know how you'd react to my being there. But then, you followed me up the stairs and crawled into bed next to me.


I miss you.