My Path

I woke up thinking about my life, and how other people seem to view it.
I drove to work, as I sat at the red light, looking north there were clear blue skies, clouds faintly tinged pink with the sunrise. Looking south, the sky was black, a thunderstorm waiting to unleash its fury.  I turned south, driving into the darkness. My responsibilities lay in that direction,  yet my eye ever turned to the rearview mirror so I could see the blue behind me.

I know my life has been blessed with magic, but a part, maybe even a significant part of it is where I choose to focus.

Even as I sit here trying to write about it, my mind ever goes to the good things. I've never lost anyone in my family. I have no ties that are binding me. I am free to do whatever I want.
I don't have crazy stories of mayhem and despair because I have chosen not to live a life where such things are paramount. 
I have had a hand in destroying lives, due to selfishness on my part. I have said things that have wrecked people.

I have experienced poverty, I have had to deal with the loss of community, friends that abandon you, a father that suffers with bipolar and depression who nearly committed suicide. I had to read the letters he wrote. I was never a child, responsibility was a must at an early age. Anything I wanted I had to work for, my parents were never able to help, and usually required our help.
I've never been worth any effort for any guy.
I get hit on by old guys all the time and it makes me want to cry.

I don't know how to stay in one place. I don't know how to live without getting stuck in a rut. I don't know how to live without anxiety over the future and getting old.  I don't know how be the best I can be.  I don't know why I am never enough. I don't know why I love with all that I am, and expect it in return.

I know I am blessed beyond measure. But it's not easy. I fight for my magic. I choose the hard things to keep my magic alive.  I choose truth, justice, responsibility, faithfulness, and overwhelming love instead of anything less, even though less would be easier, simpler, and I would not be an alien.

foolish and fear

There are many things I do to avoid my brain. I watch tv, I work, I surround myself with people- not close friends, just people. This works until all of a sudden when I should be enjoying myself at the beach, I cannot relax- the anxiety level that has been underneath the surface finally bubbles to the top and I can't relax. There is no outlet. No one to talk to, just panic. I can't write it out, it's time for work, I'll just have to fake it.
So I went to work, it was slow enough that there were times where I could feel the panic growing up, tightening my throat. I would distract myself. I had sent a text out to Micah in a plea for release in some fashion, by just telling him I was doubting everything.
His response was just pray.  Which of course is all that he could say, but to my mind just exceedingly unhelpful. For me when there is just overwhelming doubt, praying doesn't solve it, not in the traditional sense. I have to rationalize. I have to write it out. I have to talk it out.
So, I was able to talk about some of my fears with the little old lady that hostess's for me at work.  She doesn't really know what to make of me, "Rebekkah, I've never known anyone like you." she says to me. "I know, I'm one-of-a-kind." I tell her. "It's okay."
As I was driving home as series of "trust me" songs were playing on the radio station. 
I made myself think.
"Okay, what is the core of why you're afraid?"
"I'm afraid of making a mistake."
"Okay, what is the worst that could happen?"
".... uh..... I have to come back? Or go somewhere else?"
"oh, you're right, that is terrible. I understand now why you're afraid."
"But it isn't just that, I mean, I'll have made a mistake! I have an image to live up to."
"...are you hearing yourself?!"

And so the conversation went.
Echoing in the back of my brain, "you need to read the rest of "The importance of being foolish" by brennan manning."  
So that is what I'm doing for the rest of the evening. Struggling to drown the chameleon and embrace the foolish.

Still more with dreams

In my dream I was back here on a visit. But it wasn't here like I know it, things were different. There was a girl who was pregnant that I knew as an acquaintance, she told me how she'd known I was back, a premonition, and she was glad!  I was vaguely surprised, I didn't really know her, so why?  I started to go on my way, but then looked back at her. She was on her knees, praying and sobbing, so I immediately turned around and went back to her and put my arm around her, asking her to tell me what was wrong.
She told me of her premonitions, they happened all the time, premonitions of death and disaster to the people around her, so she would warn people. But she lived in a constant state of fear.
"There was a constant theme in the Bible, "fear not" Jesus tells us this over and over again." I told her. "But, they might die!"  "So what? God uses everything for our good, even if it looks bad initially. This persons death might have a profound impact on another persons life, and changes the path they were on."
This conversation went on and on. The dream fast forwarded, maybe I came back to visit again, I'm not sure. "where is (that girl)?" I asked.  "She moved to Columbus. It was as though she just decided not to be afraid anymore."


The dream switched. I was back in France. I was standing next to Damien, the guy I met there. "Oh, you two look perfect together!" someone was gushing. I rested my head against his shoulder.
But, I knew this was the life I had chosen out of fear. I was too scared to trust God to move to Louisiana, I was too scared to trust what he'd said in regards to Micah. God was going to be wrong, so I had to be in control.  So my life was fine, but not extraordinary.

I woke up.
I scanned my facebook news feed. A woman I knew a couple years ago that lives here on the beach from church posted. She was telling how one year ago she and her husband sold their house because they needed to get out of debt. So they trusted God, the house sold and they had nowhere to live, but in the nick of time something opened up, and over the following year blessings rained down on them, and they are just finishing building their dream home.  Free from debt, all because they trusted God with something huge.

God knows at this time how terrified I am to trust him. I play it off that I'm not. But in my heart of hearts, I think he's got it all wrong.
So he reminds me in dreams, he reminds me awake "FEAR NOT'.

where?

Where are you from? is an age old question one that I've never had an answer for. But, one that gets asked all the time. I dreamt about it the other day. "Here," I responded in the dream, I was dreaming I was in Texas. The ironic thing about Texas is that is where I was born, so I claim it more often than not.  But in the dream I felt at home. That is such a huge deal for me. Exiled for the forseeable future, I await the day where I can go home and stay. Nevermore to leave, except with return plans.

God damn I miss him so badly some days.

Why dreams?

I hate dreams. It's a make believe world that thrusts itself into your consciousness after you awaken.

My dream last night was that I was off adventuring, and I met someone I was flirting with... but then I stopped. I couldn't, even in my dreams.
There is a sense of despair, of why must I be in love forever? I don't know. It's crazy.

Today I told my father that I'm heading south after labor day. I'm going to explore a bit before picking. I'm going to go to San Antonio to see this school, I'm going to go to Galveston to see if that holds potential, and then I'll go to Lafayette. If I don't stay there, I'll head on to Florida. Who knows what lies ahead.

One step at a time. At this point I just need to get through the day. Today I have a party of 50, I have 2 kids that don't want to work anymore, and I have one that needs to leave early. I have the stress of making everything run smoothly... I clocked out with forty hours last night, and I still have at least 20 to go.

I'm tired.
Can I retire again now?

Processing

My trip abroad was awesome.
I met a lot of cool people. I saw lots of epic things. I was happy and sad, peaceful and stressed.
Did I come back to the states with a life changing experience? No... but maybe that was the point. I don't need to keep traveling, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. That being said, I'm going to move to Louisiana for the winter at least.  And then? I don't know. I still have to research that.  For some reason it's important that I go there for now.  The tricky thing, how to tell my dad. I think he guesses at this point, but actually having to admit it and the plan will be hard because he'll think I'm making a mistake.

I got back in the habit of talking to Micah like every day while I was over there, a return to the best friend status. My heart is ever in love with him, despite my head telling it no.  He's still not in a position that makes it in anyway a good idea. He's matured and made huge steps in healing and accepting love, but still has a way to go. Next month I will have known him for a year. It's kinda crazy. In some ways it feels like longer in others, shorter.
It feels like God ever says "trust me" when it comes to this. But my head tells my heart to protect itself, because there doesn't appear to be hope. The frustrating thing is, is that he has heard things from God, but in the end it turns out that he had only heard what he needed to for the moment in time to get him to where he needed to be.  But the things that I have followed with, while I might not know why or what the outcome will be, I haven't been wrong yet. But I feel like it's too dangerous to my heart to even say that.
When he told me all that time ago, "God told me to say this, I don't want to, but here it is, "I love you, Rebekkah."" And I freaked. Before God, that was serious.  I knew that this was it.
And I'm perfectly aware that it sounds crazy.
I know that I met two guys while I was gone that things could have gone somewhere with. But I couldn't. Not that they weren't attractive... they were, and I noticed. But they lacked future. If I bonded with them, or any of the other 3 guys here in the states that I know carry the touch for me, I would lose my magic.  None of them feeds my magic, they just appreciate it and consume it. Micah on the other hand, has his own magic and we build eachother up consistently.  He has the spark that is missing from everyone else. And I know that settling for someone else would snuff out the magic of my life.  But, what if it never works out?   It's a sobering thought, because I know that physically it's been 8 months and I'm dreaming every night. Emotionally, it's a roller coaster. Spiritually, it's the best thing ever.  And that is the most important.
The kicker is, he knows me, the parts of me I don't show anyone, the fragile, the needy, the insecure, everything that I don't want anyone to see. I have been completely transparent. So, I have no idea who he sees when he sees me. Unlike everyone else in the world, I know who they see when they see me. And that is terrifying.

So what am I doing? Where am I going?
I have no idea. God just keeps saying "Trust me".  So I walk without a plan, and wait for the signs.