the right thing

 Doing what is right, something ingrained into me as a child. There's been times in my life where I have chosen purposefully to do something that I knew was wrong. Whether it be words (being disrespectful to my mother comes to mind), or actions (sleeping with a man who wasn't 100% free). Sometimes it strikes me how much those times of purposefully choosing wrong has been detrimental to my life. 

But, then I also think about how my passion for doing what is right has adversely affected my relationships. When people straight up ask me questions, I don't lie, even if it shouldn't have been asked of me. I've gotten into more hot water for that than anything else. My automatic is to tell the truth instead of finding a creative way to evade the question without lying. 
I am passionate about doing what is right, but sometimes that comes across as holier-than-thou to people that are less inclined. But, I also find that I have my own areas of weaknesses that I gloss over. I've found that once you choose to do something that you know is wrong once- doing it again is easier and easier. 

I know that I scare men off by my intensity. My desire to live a life of purpose and meaning. My apparent lack of faults (until you get to know me), and the fact that my idea of a good time is walking around the lake. 

How boring. How good. How very dull. 

But I can say without a doubt, that in purposefully choosing to say disrespectful things to my mother- damaged our relationship for years. In sleeping with a man who wasn't 100% free, has put me as "the other woman" in almost every relationship since. Karma. 

I want good things. So I try to be good. 

It's simply a choice. Why doesn't everyone choose it?

what is wrong

 I have been out on two dates lately. Just meet ups to see if there is a connection. 

The first one did not look like his pictures, and kept trying to turn the conversation to adult topics. He also kept looking at me like he just wanted me out of my clothes. I can appreciate that for what it is, but not on the first meeting. I need you to be interested in who I am and what I stand for. 

The second one also did not look like his pictures, but not in a bad way. This one I was super excited to meet because like me, he's well traveled. He's worked at restaurants seasonally the majority of his life, and is now in school for horticulture and is a groundskeeper at a golf course.  So, it seemed that we would have alot in common, and he seemed to think about things too.  So, we met and talked. He told me so many stories of his life...but did not ask about me and mine. The moment I realized that a seed of doubt was placed in my head.  But, we walked and talked for about 4 hours, which is a considerable time. So, I thought that maybe I was wrong. "Let's do this again" was said by him as we left, but then I never heard from him again.  And so another one for the rejected pile. 

I seriously don't know what it is about me. What is wrong with me that the ones that I have anything in common with don't want me, but the others that won't do anything for me spiritually or mentally are the ones that like me. 

There is just such a disconnect. 

your man

 I follow Josh Turner on FB, just because I really like his songs, or rather especially did a long time ago when he first came out. Anyway, his second cd had the song "Your Man" on it. Today, they posted something in remembrance of it, and I found myself just thinking incredibly bitterly about it. 

Why isn't there someone who wants to be my man, in truth? I say that thinking of a few that I have turned down in the past, knowing that there is no future. For instance, Steve. Steve has been holding a candle for me for, I don't know, 15 years or so.  But, he's a republican who voted for trump, he's into guns, he is a grandfather already, because he had kids young and so did they. He only cares about people he likes which is few and far between. He does nothing but work. He has a good heart and truly loves those he does though.  There's just no spiritual connection, no inspiration to be better on either side. Should I settle for that? 

Thinking about it, in my relationship history, I have either been the "other woman" or the rebound. So there has never been a time where I was certain of where I stood, if the feelings that were felt for me in this moment would last into the next.  Though, I guess, no one ever really knows that. 

There's this one guy who lives not far from me, we met on a dating app probably 2 years ago, but never met. There has been adult conversation and pictures in the past, but he now has a significant other. But, he wants to meet now. I don't know why. But, I do know that he has been unable to get me out of his head this whole time.  I told him I'd be glad to meet him, because I would. But, I worry about what he has in mind, because I don't want to be the other woman again. 

It's as though, because I knew that I was the other woman with my first, because I knew that and still went along with it- consciously choosing wrong- my life and destiny as far as men have been concerned has been nothing but disaster. 

Such is my life.