The irony is that I know this to be true. But somehow I let myself forget it, because it couldn't possibly be true, right? And yet, I know for a fact that it has happened 6 times previously... That's more than coincidence, that's a pattern. And now for it to strike again, why am I surprised?
Heath met someone else. Small and blond and perfect for him. I'm glad he's happy.
So this is the thing: if I fall for you, you will without a doubt, either while we're still talking or immediately afterwards- you will meet your happily ever after.
I should offer my services.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Sunday, November 24, 2019
unexpected
So that was unexpected.
I didn't go.
I mean, I went. But, I didn't stay. There was never a time that I felt good about the move. I packed up all my stuff, put it all in my car, drove up there. Got to my aunts house, and never unloaded my car. I worked my first shift...I spent the night, and still didn't unload my car. I had to come back down for my last day here in Florida at the hotel job, and... didn't leave again. I just never felt right about it. Staying seemed like the right thing to do. So here I am.
It took me almost a week to find a job, but it's at an ideal location, I'll be serving and managing from my understanding. I start work tomorrow. Thank goodness.
Things with Heath are hot and cold as always. Basically what I've gathered is that he ghosted me because he was upset that I was leaving and so withdrew instead of talking to me about it. I had lunch with him the day I decided for sure to stay, Monday. He was having a shit day and was telling me about it, adding that I was leaving. "I'm not leaving. I decided to stay." I told him, and I swear his face transformed from darkness to light.
But he had a busy busy week, and I didn't hear much from him. Even when I saw him to bring him food on Thursday, and again to watch the highschool football game on Friday. I felt like everything else was more important than me. But, then he called me yesterday as he was shopping for a shirt to wear to the ball he was going to last night- and seriously we just hung out on the phone for about 2 hours. Tentative plans were made for lunch, but I could tell as soon as he offered, he realized that that probably wouldn't be possible, so I didn't get my hopes up. More tentative plans were made for tonight when he canceled yesterday. But, he's working all day, and I'm not sure how much he drank last night, so who knows how he'll be feeling when he gets done with work this evening.
It's so weird and difficult and just a mess.
But, no one ever loves like you do. Do they? And some people need way more time than others. So, I'm currently giving him grace.
If someone else comes along before he's realized that I am important and that he does care more than he expresses- so be it. Until that point though, I will be his friend.
I didn't go.
I mean, I went. But, I didn't stay. There was never a time that I felt good about the move. I packed up all my stuff, put it all in my car, drove up there. Got to my aunts house, and never unloaded my car. I worked my first shift...I spent the night, and still didn't unload my car. I had to come back down for my last day here in Florida at the hotel job, and... didn't leave again. I just never felt right about it. Staying seemed like the right thing to do. So here I am.
It took me almost a week to find a job, but it's at an ideal location, I'll be serving and managing from my understanding. I start work tomorrow. Thank goodness.
Things with Heath are hot and cold as always. Basically what I've gathered is that he ghosted me because he was upset that I was leaving and so withdrew instead of talking to me about it. I had lunch with him the day I decided for sure to stay, Monday. He was having a shit day and was telling me about it, adding that I was leaving. "I'm not leaving. I decided to stay." I told him, and I swear his face transformed from darkness to light.
But he had a busy busy week, and I didn't hear much from him. Even when I saw him to bring him food on Thursday, and again to watch the highschool football game on Friday. I felt like everything else was more important than me. But, then he called me yesterday as he was shopping for a shirt to wear to the ball he was going to last night- and seriously we just hung out on the phone for about 2 hours. Tentative plans were made for lunch, but I could tell as soon as he offered, he realized that that probably wouldn't be possible, so I didn't get my hopes up. More tentative plans were made for tonight when he canceled yesterday. But, he's working all day, and I'm not sure how much he drank last night, so who knows how he'll be feeling when he gets done with work this evening.
It's so weird and difficult and just a mess.
But, no one ever loves like you do. Do they? And some people need way more time than others. So, I'm currently giving him grace.
If someone else comes along before he's realized that I am important and that he does care more than he expresses- so be it. Until that point though, I will be his friend.
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
moving on
So, following the last post- things got wonderful- we had mended things to an extent- talked some things through, and then of course- it exploded in my face again. And on that note, I am moving to SC.
I'm not at all certain of this decision, I have incredible trepidation in fact. It's unbelievably sudden...I have a job that I will start on Friday. I'm concerned about it, just because it's really different from what I've been used to doing for the past several years. But, mostly I'm concerned about the living situation there. I know for a fact that I cannot afford to live in Charleston by myself. And I know that I don't want to be spending all of my money on rent.
It doesn't really and truly make sense. I have a feeling it's going to be temporary. Like until the end of January, and then come back down here.... Unless I'm just making a shit ton of money and can actually afford to save and live up there.
Last night after driving from 3:30am-9:00, and then from 12:30-6 I made it back here, and then went down to Heaths to grab my heating pad that I had left for him while he was sick. I didn't tell him I was coming, and his roommate ushered me inside. Heath got super cranky, but then walked me outside. You could smell the alcohol coming out of his pores. He'd definitely gotten tore up the night before. There was no apology and I asked no questions, he just told me about his day and I told him a little about mine. Then he was like "can we talk later, I'm so tired." Yeah, sure, man, you're tired. I didn't stay up all night the night before stressing about you, and then drive 11 hours and make the decision to move all in one day. This is the last time you'll ever see me.... yet you either don't realize or it makes no difference.
Oh well. If my heart ever needed cured, that would do it.
I'm not at all certain of this decision, I have incredible trepidation in fact. It's unbelievably sudden...I have a job that I will start on Friday. I'm concerned about it, just because it's really different from what I've been used to doing for the past several years. But, mostly I'm concerned about the living situation there. I know for a fact that I cannot afford to live in Charleston by myself. And I know that I don't want to be spending all of my money on rent.
It doesn't really and truly make sense. I have a feeling it's going to be temporary. Like until the end of January, and then come back down here.... Unless I'm just making a shit ton of money and can actually afford to save and live up there.
Last night after driving from 3:30am-9:00, and then from 12:30-6 I made it back here, and then went down to Heaths to grab my heating pad that I had left for him while he was sick. I didn't tell him I was coming, and his roommate ushered me inside. Heath got super cranky, but then walked me outside. You could smell the alcohol coming out of his pores. He'd definitely gotten tore up the night before. There was no apology and I asked no questions, he just told me about his day and I told him a little about mine. Then he was like "can we talk later, I'm so tired." Yeah, sure, man, you're tired. I didn't stay up all night the night before stressing about you, and then drive 11 hours and make the decision to move all in one day. This is the last time you'll ever see me.... yet you either don't realize or it makes no difference.
Oh well. If my heart ever needed cured, that would do it.
Sunday, November 03, 2019
the saga just continues
Because things just couldn't get anymore complicated in my life...
Monday Heath texts me telling me that he thinks he's getting sick. Fast forward- Tuesday night I bring him food, Thursday he thinks he's basically dying, and asks me to come bring him medicine and gatorade. I end up spending the night. He just wanted company, because, really, who doesn't when they're sick. Friday I left only to run home and shower and feed the cat, came back to his place and spent the day snuggled up with him just watching various things on youtube or netflix - making sure he ate what he needed to eat and took medicine at the appropriate times. Saturday, he's better, and I've got stuff to do, so I head home. I start feeling a little weird, not sick yet, but definitely on the verge. But, I don't get sick, so I took some vitamins, to boost my immune system. Ate a banana and an orange... sprayed some colloidal silver against my throat and called it good. I slept for 13 hours that night. Woke up with the sweats a few times during the night- so I think I got it all out. Felt almost completely back to normal today. Hoping tomorrow will put everything back to rights.
My heart is still walled up. Yes, I took care of him and snuggled. But, I don't trust that he'll ever be there for me. So while I'll love him, I cannot be in love with him. He's not what I need. It's sad. For him, I am not a priority, I'm a convenience. It's always nice to have someone love you, when you want it. Sigh.
It's so tricky, because I want to call him out on it. I probably will sometime soon before this continues, because, frankly, it's the most loving thing to do. Not necessarily for me- but for his sake. He's at risk of being very narcissistic... and I cannot enable that.
Monday Heath texts me telling me that he thinks he's getting sick. Fast forward- Tuesday night I bring him food, Thursday he thinks he's basically dying, and asks me to come bring him medicine and gatorade. I end up spending the night. He just wanted company, because, really, who doesn't when they're sick. Friday I left only to run home and shower and feed the cat, came back to his place and spent the day snuggled up with him just watching various things on youtube or netflix - making sure he ate what he needed to eat and took medicine at the appropriate times. Saturday, he's better, and I've got stuff to do, so I head home. I start feeling a little weird, not sick yet, but definitely on the verge. But, I don't get sick, so I took some vitamins, to boost my immune system. Ate a banana and an orange... sprayed some colloidal silver against my throat and called it good. I slept for 13 hours that night. Woke up with the sweats a few times during the night- so I think I got it all out. Felt almost completely back to normal today. Hoping tomorrow will put everything back to rights.
My heart is still walled up. Yes, I took care of him and snuggled. But, I don't trust that he'll ever be there for me. So while I'll love him, I cannot be in love with him. He's not what I need. It's sad. For him, I am not a priority, I'm a convenience. It's always nice to have someone love you, when you want it. Sigh.
It's so tricky, because I want to call him out on it. I probably will sometime soon before this continues, because, frankly, it's the most loving thing to do. Not necessarily for me- but for his sake. He's at risk of being very narcissistic... and I cannot enable that.
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