sleeping baby

It's been a very full couple of weeks. I quit at Sydnie Mae after only working 3 weeks. I wasn't getting enough hours, nor was the pay suitable for the hours rendered. Plus, there's that uniform. So, I quit. Nicole at Joie de Vivre had been begging me to come work there for months, so I finally went over to talk to her, even though I didn't really want to. She'd been so pushy for me to come there to begin with, and I heartily dislike having my hand forced.  But, it worked out. I went in to talk to her, and I'm basically taking her position, so, we'll see how that goes. So far the money hasn't been anything to write home about, but I am working by myself, and I do enjoy that.

Eve's been having trouble getting the baby to go to sleep, so when I got home from work I volunteered to put her to bed. We read books for a little while, and then I let her cry herself to sleep. Eve has never let her cry herself to sleep, and she's going to be one on Monday. I let her go to the grocery store and visit one of our friends while I did this. It was probably for the best, because she can't stand to have the baby cry. Step one complete. Next step will be having her put the baby to sleep just letting her cry. For me it probably took 10 minutes or so of her crying, and some of it was that angry sob of "you can't make me sleep" but- she was so tired that eventually she relaxed and closed her eyes.

late night talks and other tales

I was fine. Stressed, but fine. Then the restaurant didn't give me but one shift this week. I can't live on one shift. So, I have to find something else. I really don't know what to do. In desperation, I said, "well, maybe it's time to do my own thing. Have my own place." So Eve and I started brain storming. I even came up with a menu.
But then we talked for 4 hours one evening, til almost midnight. It was hashed out and realized that I really don't need to be starting my own place. The future that I see for myself doesn't involve a restaurant. It's one of the paths I could take, but it's not the one suited for me at this time. Or maybe, I do need to to it now and get it out of the way, but it doesn't solve the immediate need for money.
Eve saw that the donut place was hiring, so went in to inquire for me, but it's a 1am-10am shift, and that's stupid. I have zero desire to work graveyard shift. I'm sure it doesn't pay well enough to make that even a considerable option.
I sat and I searched for current job openings in the area, and there's just none that I qualify for. Even being a construction helper for someone other than Andre- I'd need experience backing a trailer, which I don't have. I'm really at a loss for what to do.

I went to walmart today to get cheese for quiche. Now, I didn't want to go to walmart for cheese, they don't ever have the kind that I want. But I figured I'd try anyway. I walk in the door, the greeter is one that I haven't seen in a long while, I say hello. I go to the cheese section- they have a new brand that they've never had before- this is exciting. I get two different choices.  As I walk to the other side of the store I see so many mothers younger than me- wedding bands on their fingers.  And I have to choke back a sob, right there in public. Tears spring to my eyes. I cry out to God, "why?! why did he have to leave me all alone. not living the life intended for us?"  I force the tears back and under control. 2 years later and I still cry over him. This is pathetic.
I see two more people I know as I leave at the check out counter.
Why did I have to go to walmart?
Will love ever step my way again?
What am I going to do for work?
How am I going to live?
How am I going to take care of my friend that is living with me? It makes me unable to run back home.