Christmas Eve and beyond

 What do I want to say about how everything is going? 

After all the nonsense with Karen, I didn't hear from H for weeks. I just let him have his space, figured he was in therapy of some sort, and that he'd reach out when he was ready. Christmas Eve I sent him an email just wishing him a merry christmas, because- I hadn't heard from him, and I missed him. Last year Christmas Eve we spent together, and that was priceless. He immediately responded to my email, and then ended up coming up and spending the whole day/night with me. 

We didn't talk much about the things he's been going through, it was more of a day just to play and enjoy one another. We listened to music from our childhoods, we played around on the piano for hours... we enjoyed eachother. It was so good. Meant the world to me. 

He left abruptly the next morning, as is his habit. He gets scared and runs.  

He called me at 4pm yesterday and we were on the phone until after 1 am. Talked about everything, He is in therapy 3 times a week- we talked about everything he's learning and figuring out, the changes that he wants to make. It is good. I see so much improvement already. I just adore him so much. I've hit that breaking point with him so often over the years, but honestly, the thing that breaks is my expectations and my attempt to control the narrative of our story.  It's when I've been able to let go and just take the moments as they come that things heal. 

Where is this story going? I have no idea. Just waiting to see. 

developements

 So apparently Heath crashed and burned again. I hope his dad gets him the help he actually needs. His ex Karen has been texting me, and honestly, that's so much worse. Her impression is that I am nothing to him but a kind person who he feels bad about hurting. I wonder if that's the truth. Was everything a lie?  Could I have been that manipulated and deceived?  I don't think so... but, I guess it's possible. 

I just want to curl up and cry. I also want to go to his dad's house and get some answers. I also want to go to his house and get my piano and never speak to him again. I also want to get him and move away together and live happily ever after.  I'm so conflicted and hurt and scared. 

sigh

 I got a text late last night waking me up- from Karen. She's the older divorcee that H was seeing last year around this time. His sugar mama, he tried to keep her happy so she'd help with money. Well, apparently she was going through his At&t phone records and saw a number of calls and texts to my number (and others) so she texted me. Told me about his DUI (which is actually why he was in Ohio apparently, for a court date) , told me that he told her that I was stalking him.  I don't know how to feel actually. More numb and ambivalent than anything. I can't tell anyone about this, because everyone already hates him. So it's something that I'm going to have to work through alone.

I knew there was someone else, and I knew (after Ohio) that that was Karen. So I feel like I've already had time to process the majority of it, so that's why I'm not upset. Besides, my mantra has been to live in the moment, especially with him. I can't have expectations or hopes. It disturbs my peace that he told her that I was stalking him- so that will need to be addressed at some point. All of this actually makes me want to talk to him and clear the air, but unfortunately, he doesn't operate on my time, I'll have to wait for him to call me. 

The longer this goes on, I feel like I see light at the end of the tunnel, only to have it blow up in my face. At what point will I close it all down? Will I hit a point of no return? 

compartmentalization

 I do my best thinking in between waking and sleeping. I don't know why, maybe because my imagination is wide open from dreaming.

Anyway, my thoughts today ran to H, as they usually do. My brain is always trying to figure him out, and see if there is a way through the mess. 

We talked on Thursday- and I went over there. I should have asked him to come up here, because I might have gotten him longer. Be that as it may, it was a wonderful time. I felt loved and wanted and desirable. We'd been talking about how we needed to get back to the basics of what we enjoy doing together before the physical stuff became a part of our lives. He brought it up, not me, which was a good sign, I thought. We did a little of that, but, the physical was too distracting. So we played around and made love in so many ways. 

As I left he asked if he could call me later, which he does often when I leave, to which I always reply to the affirmative. He never calls.  

So, I'm left with always wanting more. Before we were physical, he used to tell me everything that was going on. Any time of day I could basically tell you where he was and what his plans were for the day. Once we slept together for the first time, everything changed. He told me that he put too much on me, and didn't want to keep doing that. That was when the door to his life shut.  There's glimpses through the windows every now and then, but I was put into a compartment. The struggle we have now is because I don't want to be put in a compartment, I know what it's like outside of it, and I don't like being confined. But, he's scared of me because I know too much. The girls that he's let outside of the compartment haven't been privvy to his innermost thoughts like I have been. 

And so here we are, I sit here waiting to be let out of the compartment, while he struggles to keep me there- and so feeling are hurt on both sides, and we both want to let go, but can't. 

The more I understand, the more I can forgive. I need to talk to him about all of this, but my emails don't get read, and text messages can't be longer than a sentence or two. I'm going to ask him about voice messages, maybe that will help.