an email

R	10:18 AM (0 minutes ago)
to Heath

I have gotten back on a dating site, and have a couple dates scheduled. I fucking hate it. I don’t want to be looking for anyone else. I don’t want anyone else touching me. I don’t want anyone else to ask me to put him in my mouth.  I don’t want to close the door in my heart that loves you and only you.

I’m not nothing. I deserve love and adoration, because that’s what I give out. I’m not perfect, but I think it’d be so nice to be really loved. 

If there is one thing I learned since we said goodbye that fateful day when misunderstandings and hurt feelings abounded, it’s that I can’t love enough for the both of us.

I can’t return to the same old patterns. Something in my heart closed.

I need to be loved in return, and not vaguely. I need to know that there is someone who wants to do life with me. Someone who wants to touch my butt, someone who wants to hug me randomly because I’m his favorite thing in the world.  I need someone who lights my fire, and inspires me to be my best self, and go for my dreams. Someone who I can inspire in return.

I can’t have any more sleepless nights where I wonder if you love me. I can’t lie awake and wonder if I’ll ever be a priority to you.

I know your work is important to you, but there have been times where you have made an effort with me, showing that it can be done, but it never lasts.  You talk yourself out of it.

It feels like you want my love as an option, as a fallback, there when you need it.

Being blocked on social media, being entered in your phone as something other than my name (I think Spam Caller was the last I saw), not being known about by your friends and family, these are things that are very hurtful when I’m looking for a love that is proud of me and wants to introduce me to the world because of the love and magic he’s found. Because I would do the same in return.

 

I don't know what else to say. If you do want me... If you do see a future for us...

 I just need you to say that. I need you to tell me that you love me, and that it is my love that you want. 

I know we both have goals we're working for, and I can be patient, but being patient when I don't even know if you love me is too hard.