wanting

So the idea about living here was that I would learn community. This first year has been great, full of new friends, forging new paths. But the longer I remain, things start falling apart. I think this is why I usually leave after a year or so. Things/ relationships start breaking. Maybe there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships, or maybe after about a year you're finally discovering that the image you had of someone isn't what's real. I don't know.  I think that's why small town living is hard, when the tide is out you don't have the option of making new friends.
There are people here that I used to be close to, and now, for whatever reason, a separation has occurred. I'm not comfortable enough to inquire as to the cause. Maybe one day I will, but right now, it's just makes me want to retreat. Why do I put effort into people, only to be rejected one day?
And that's not even talking about relationships- that's just friendships.
My "best" friends, the ones I've had the longest, I talk to them anywhere from twice a month or so to every couple months. I love them, but they're not part of my life. Distance and life proved to be too much.
There is such a longing to be known and loved for who I am. If I wanted just a man to sleep with, that would be easy- but I want to be known. And on top of that, I want to be loved for who I am, not what I look like, or what I do for you- those are just bonus'.


So I continue on.

dream of war

In the dream you were a soldier. You had been fighting so long, protecting the world. There was one last thing you were going to do. This was going to take out an entrance that the bad guys used, and in the process you were going to die. You said your goodbyes with no hesitation, and I sat there hiding behind writing words on a page. And then suddenly I couldn't do it anymore, and I ran down the stairs. I knew there were only moments left. The gas was on and the fire was lit, the whole place would explode momentarily. You were sitting with your back to me, still dressed in armor. You stood up and turned around, "I understand, why you're doing this. I know you're tired, and you've been fighting a long time. But you don't have to die right now." "Please!"  My arms were around you at this point, and you leaned in and kissed me, tears started to flow.
I woke up.
I tried to go back to the dream, but it was over. There was so much in this dream that felt like it was more than what it appeared to be.

Please don't stop fighting. I know it's so hard, and the war is never done. But together we are strong, together the enemy can be defeated.

directionless

You know, sometimes knowing in your head simply doesn't translate to how you feel. That's shit. Just saying.
For example- yesterday, there was supposed to be 7 people coming over to my house for dinner, 4 cancelled, and the other 3 just didn't show. Now my head knows that stuff comes up, but I feel hurt. I feel as if my time and effort weren't valued.  I know that isn't the case, it just happens.

Another example- I got on Match .com the other day right, I let 3 guys have my phone number before I deleted my account because I couldn't handle it. Well, within 2 days, none of them were talking to me anymore. No idea why. It just stopped. Which is fine, I wasn't actually interested in them anyhow, but it just makes one feel unwanted.
As much as I want to say that I didn't get damaged by Micah and the other guys in my past, there are days that I have to acknowledge that I feel like there is no one that will ever actually care for any sort of duration. The little voice inside my head that mentions the fact that the first 3 found their wives/longterm girlfriends almost immediately after breaking up with me, and the last 2 that I have cared about have told me that I was in their lives so that they would discover that they weren't meant to be in a relationship ever again. My heart cries because it thinks that something is wrong with me, but my head knows that there is nothing wrong with me, just the luck of the draw.

I just don't know what I'm doing, I think I get clarity about which way to head, so I step in that direction and just get lambasted upside the head, so I stop- and I question everything. I'm not hearing from God these days, He's been unusually silent. I just don't know. It's always a choice to have faith, to hope, but right now it feels impossible.

better and better

Yesterday was rough... just in the depression department. I don't even know why the day was bothering me as much as it was. I went to Hope Chapel like I do, most of the time, even though I don't really like it, but the people are kind. And I had to stop listening to the sermon this time, because otherwise I would've gotten up to say something. He was so very very wrong. So, I just read my bible, and tried to tune him out. I escaped as quickly as I could afterwards. Then, I went to Crossroads at 12:30 for their service- which was quite wonderful, and totally talking about the same things I had been reading during the first service. So that was nice.
I had a meeting today with one of the pastors to talk about me leading a small group. That went well I think. I like sharing my stories. We'll see what comes of that.

I went down to Cypremort Point today, a state park right on the gulf. It was beautiful, but then a storm rolled in, and I had to sit behind a post on the pavillion to hide from the wind and drenching rain. I stayed there for probably an hour and a half while it rained, before I finally gave up and went home. Where it was nice and sunny- of course. It's only 30 miles away, it's so crazy how the weather can be so different.

And then, as I was on the phone with my sister, I stepped outside and saw a most beautiful sunset to close out my day- color reaching to the other side of the sky.

Time to begin again the new week in the morning. One day at a time.

Elihu

I texted my friend Jonathan today, asked him to be my Elihu. In the story of Job, he has everything- loses it all- his friends come to sit with him- they tell him he's done enough.  But then Elihu, he's like, dude. Get it together.
I need someone to do that for me. I feel older, more mature, wiser than everyone around me. Even my mom- she doesn't understand. I don't really feel like I know anyone at least that has constant contact with my life, that I can get to understand.
I'm living a life based solely on following the Spirit, on growing love where none should be found. Focusing on the magic of the days. So now, when I'm at a crossroads- I need to be pushed to be all I can be. Not settle for what I have achieved already.

that moment when

your head is going a million and a half miles per hour. Change is in the air. But what does that mean?

The list of pros and cons. Which life path to choose? What is the next step?


It's funny, it really is bizarre. I'm either all in, or all out. There's no in between. I've had this thing for the past year an a half, where I've loved a person who occasionally loved me back. I didn't want to love him, because I knew it wouldn't work out in the long run. But there it was, a feeling, an action, the grandest emotion overwhelming in intensity. When he shut me out, still it was there.  Why? That's what crazy people do.  So I just waited, hoping either it would go away, or he'd become the person he wanted to be- but somehow couldn't be.

But, it's gone now. It's legit disappeared. The memory is there, but it's gone. I didn't do anything.  Maybe it was that final breaking point. - Or in reality a few days after that final breaking point.
Is it a loss of hope? Yes, and no.
What about the words "don't you dare give up hope. You moved here for a man, and there will be restoration in him and his family."  Maybe this was it. There has been a start to that restoration. I've witnessed that.  Do I feel like it's abandoning a promise? Yes, and no.
What about my life here? The connections I've formed, the community I've grown into?  I don't know. I hate to leave in one sense. But on the flip side, I experienced community in a way I never have before, and it's been incredible.

Yes, I could continue to build a life here. I have friends- at least to an extent. I could really get involved in a church- run small groups. Teach love.  Build on the relationships I have here. Bring the magic of love and hope and adventure to people's lives.

Or, I could leave.
I could go back to the beach until labor day- and make alot of money. I could go to Curacao for my birthday, like I want.

 I could go back to Colorado and work seasonally in the ski resorts- make a nice nest egg there too. Then, eventually buy a little piece of land by the Crystal River. Start building a life there.

Or I could get a job on a cruise ship, and sail around the world- meeting new people, seeing new places.
Or, I could go back to Ohio. Resume old friendships. Build up a life of wonder on the farm.

The options for leaving are really endless. The opportunities for God to use me are in everything- because where I am, God is with me.  So what do I choose?

waking up

I struggle so much with sleeping lately. I don't know why exactly. I have noticed that if I haven't been regular at the gym, my back aches. So that's part of the problem recently. But, even after I'm up in the morning, all I want is to go back to bed. I don't want to function. I don't want to decide what to do. It's like too much effort is required for being awake. My best sleep is in the mornings- usually I have to go to the bathroom between 5-6, and then I sleep heavily until 7:30 or 8.  Writing helps.  I don't know why- clears the head. Washes away dreams. Helps me focus, maybe.

I sent Matt a canvas of a Banksy art. I really hope he likes it. It's nice to do things for people just randomly. Especially in the mail, no one gets real mail anymore.

My friend Renee asked me last night, "so is the door shut on Micah now?"  I told her the truth, "I didn't open that door, God did, so it's His to shut. It does feel like it's shut now." I've never been in control of that situation, merely followed- worked out great in some aspects, and tore me apart in others. But I think the tearing apart was good, to learn the highs and lows.
I have never known what the future holds, so I wait for the next sign.

I saw this thing today- about how life is not about the destination. We're always in a hurry to get to the next best thing, as if there is a place we need to arrive at. But, that is simply not the case- it's merely about the moments.  I love it.

recovery

What do I do when I hit this point? Just let it all go.  It doesn't help to stress about it. I am in control of nothing but myself. Even that is in God's hands.
I went to Houston yesterday to see John and Tracy- friends of ours from Colorado. They moved there a couple months ago, and this was my first time going to see them. It was really nice. I think Tracy may be just as obsessed with God as I am. Hers takes a more... standard viewpoint. But she's striving to bring positivity into everything she does.
I was thinking about my obsession with God this morning. I find no meaning in life without Him. The question is, is that mature, or immature of me? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love travel, I love family, I love friends- but the things that spark the deepest parts of me- are when I stand in awe. A crazy God coincidence, a mountain peak, true love of any sort. Conversation that makes me think beyond my experiences.
I'm at the point now where I just want to grow more. Standing still and watching- like a giant tree by the bayou, standing for hundreds of years, watching people enjoy the effects of your presence. They sit in your shade, they appreciate what you do for them- and so you sit, for hundreds of years. That's what I feel like. What else is there? Can I be useful in other ways? But if we stick with the analogy, that means being cut down and torn apart. Then you become a tool, only halfway appreciated- but serviceable. Is that actually what I want?
What is the purpose to my life? Why am I?  The unknowable questions, the answers that change with the seasons.

It's Monday- and that means it's adventure day, but I haven't felt like going on an adventure lately. I don't know where to go, or what to do. It's hot, and usually stormy. I feel liberated by my solitary life sometimes, and confined by it at others.

I keep thinking of a blue lake and a chill in the air.
Or a life next to the crystal river in Colorado. A little house, raising chickens and plants. Solitary, surrounded by green meadows and clear mountain water. What a beautiful life that would be. Winter would be hard though. Trapped by snow for months on end.
But where is the purpose of my life in solitary? What am I giving to the world, by living alone?  That's why I cannot live like that. I must make the world better by my life.

tortured head

It's pretty much torture.

"I don't trust you, and I can say with confidence that I never will." What the hell? What did I ever do to him? It sounds as if I were a liar or a cheater. But I am neither of those things?

How do words make such a impact in our lives? The words designed to wound and destroy- just live on and on. Repeating themselves, eating away.

I didn't learn how to get past the initial words of his. How am I going to bear this additional load?  How do I step back and let love win, when he fights with hate, pain, and despair.
I wrote him that email, but I don't know if he got it, let alone read it.

I want to run away.

I want to erase all ties.

I want to disappear.

But I won't. That's not what love does. Love is patient, love is kind. Love doesn't envy or boast, it isn't arrogant or rude. It doesn't insist on its own way;  it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Lover bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never dies.
Not only for my heart, but I have to think of the testimony of my life. So many people know the story of the magic of God in my life. If I were to turn my back now, what does that tell them? That living by the Spirit is too hard? That a life based entirely on love isn't possible? That caving to fear and pain is alright?  I simply can't.
My mind wants to find ways around it. Justify it, to deceive myself into deciding love would leave. Love would start fresh. But it's not true.

Eli, eli, lema sabachthani?!

will it ever stop breaking?

I don't know if my heart will ever stop breaking.
I decided to go to the open mic night last night, Micah was there. He came over and said hi and gave me a hug- and immediately went outside. But then he refused to make eyecontact with me for the rest of the night. I didn't know that he was still that upset with me.  I would've tried to get some clarity on it had he spoken to me at all again, but as it was, I knew I had crossed a boundary, again. So I told Kris, that he should tell Micah not to worry about seeing me there again. I didn't want him to not go there because he was worried about seeing me.
Micah wrote me a long message, about how he doesn't, and will never trust me again. How he doesn't wish bad things on me, but he doesn't want to be friends ever again. He might say hi to me if he sees me in the future, but then again, maybe not.  And ended it with how I am not allowed to respond to this message either.
Not only was it a punch in the gut, because I still have no idea what I ever did to him- except not fall out of love when he did. But, why the hell is his opinion the only one that matters. Why do I rate so low that I don't even deserve respect?  Why are his wants and needs the only ones to be considered?  Why am I not allowed a voice to defend myself, to right misunderstandings, to apologize where that is needed?
I think it's fear of facing the results of his decisions. Does he expect me to cry? To lash out on him? I wouldn't. I don't know. It's also a macho thing, that I am less than.

So the question is, why is there still love in my heart for him? I only can assume it's because God put it there. There is nothing attractive about how he's been acting for the past year. My heart says this is just him acting out- this is not who he is. But, I've known him for almost 2 years now, and this person with ugly tendencies has won out over the attractive person who loves and gives of himself so generously.

I wrote him a long email last night- and got no sleep at all. It's already almost 9, and I can barely function. I didn't cry at all, my head just wouldn't shut off. The stress and tension of the whole situation.
I cannot bear not being about to right wrongs. I cannot bear when people have something against me and I can't do anything to make it right. I cannot bear to be hated for no reason.  If I was a bitch, if I was unkind, if I did anything at all- I would understand. But I didn't!

I wanted to run away right after I moved here because I didn't want the memories of being here with him. I didn't want to hear about him from his family. There was no point to being here. But God said stay, so I did.
I want to run away again. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to run into him. I don't want to live in his territory without being friends.
I don't know how to drop friends without moving away.
I certainly don't know how to drop loved ones.
I don't know how to not be friends with people that I care about. I don't know how to not care.

that went well

I can't even tell you how refreshing that was. I got in the hot tub last night after work and just soaked. It was beautiful. Swam a few laps before and after work yesterday, and then this morning, I slept in, ate their big hot breakfast and then took another nap, waited for the pool to open at 10.  Then I swam a bit more, sat in the hot tub for a little bit and then swam some more. Another lady joined me, turns out she was doing the same thing as me. We had some great conversation. Check out was at noon, so I left- went to the bank and then came home, ate some food and took another nap- for like 3 hours. Went to walmart for 1 thing, left $90 dollars later with a new bedspread and sheets- as well as a couple other items not on the list. haha. Oh well. I needed new sheets, the one set I do have isn't really very good for this hot humid weather. And I've just been using a fleece blanket, so it's time I upgraded.

I got a text from Neal and Raina inviting me over to their house this evening- so I went over there for a few hours- Neal taught me the ways of Cajun meat gravy. They don't thicken it at all, which is odd. But, it's spicy and delicious.
All in all, it was such a relaxing day. Feeling refreshed, but, damn I don't want to work tomorrow.

All day I've been picturing Independence Pass in Colorado in my head. I want to go back. I do love it there. But I know it's not the time for me to live there.

staycations

I bought myself a hotel room for the night, at a nice place with what appears to be an incredible pool and hot tub. I have to work this evening, but I should be able to spend a nice amount of time there between this afternoon and tomorrow before check out. I just need some me time. It sounds incredibly selfish, but, the thing is, I just need to recharge. I need sun and water.
I could use a friend or two with stimulating mind sharpening conversation too, but that's out of my control. I'm just so tired. It's been a rough few days at work.  I get home, my feet are throbbing, but I have to take a shower because I've had to spend so much time in the kitchen cooking while I'm trying to wait tables that I smell like the kitchen and feel sticky. There was no break yesterday- worked a full 12 hours. Towards the end I was starting to get so cranky. It was my period day- and Michael was at his other job, I didn't get a break to recharge- people kept coming in close to closing time- and ended up staying until nearly an hour after we closed.  Which, is incredibly inconsiderate, I think.  Suffice to say, I need some r & r in my life.

I miss hugs. I miss conversations. I miss learning new things and sharing them. I miss stretching the way I think about things because you see it differently.
Sometimes the solitary life is difficult.

But, in the grand scheme of things, everything is fine. Plants are thriving, home is comfortable, I'm making alot of money at work. I see people I know all the time.
It's beautiful here, it's peaceful. The nights are magical.  I'm just tired, and solitary, and sometimes it gets to me.