waking up

I struggle so much with sleeping lately. I don't know why exactly. I have noticed that if I haven't been regular at the gym, my back aches. So that's part of the problem recently. But, even after I'm up in the morning, all I want is to go back to bed. I don't want to function. I don't want to decide what to do. It's like too much effort is required for being awake. My best sleep is in the mornings- usually I have to go to the bathroom between 5-6, and then I sleep heavily until 7:30 or 8.  Writing helps.  I don't know why- clears the head. Washes away dreams. Helps me focus, maybe.

I sent Matt a canvas of a Banksy art. I really hope he likes it. It's nice to do things for people just randomly. Especially in the mail, no one gets real mail anymore.

My friend Renee asked me last night, "so is the door shut on Micah now?"  I told her the truth, "I didn't open that door, God did, so it's His to shut. It does feel like it's shut now." I've never been in control of that situation, merely followed- worked out great in some aspects, and tore me apart in others. But I think the tearing apart was good, to learn the highs and lows.
I have never known what the future holds, so I wait for the next sign.

I saw this thing today- about how life is not about the destination. We're always in a hurry to get to the next best thing, as if there is a place we need to arrive at. But, that is simply not the case- it's merely about the moments.  I love it.