directionless

You know, sometimes knowing in your head simply doesn't translate to how you feel. That's shit. Just saying.
For example- yesterday, there was supposed to be 7 people coming over to my house for dinner, 4 cancelled, and the other 3 just didn't show. Now my head knows that stuff comes up, but I feel hurt. I feel as if my time and effort weren't valued.  I know that isn't the case, it just happens.

Another example- I got on Match .com the other day right, I let 3 guys have my phone number before I deleted my account because I couldn't handle it. Well, within 2 days, none of them were talking to me anymore. No idea why. It just stopped. Which is fine, I wasn't actually interested in them anyhow, but it just makes one feel unwanted.
As much as I want to say that I didn't get damaged by Micah and the other guys in my past, there are days that I have to acknowledge that I feel like there is no one that will ever actually care for any sort of duration. The little voice inside my head that mentions the fact that the first 3 found their wives/longterm girlfriends almost immediately after breaking up with me, and the last 2 that I have cared about have told me that I was in their lives so that they would discover that they weren't meant to be in a relationship ever again. My heart cries because it thinks that something is wrong with me, but my head knows that there is nothing wrong with me, just the luck of the draw.

I just don't know what I'm doing, I think I get clarity about which way to head, so I step in that direction and just get lambasted upside the head, so I stop- and I question everything. I'm not hearing from God these days, He's been unusually silent. I just don't know. It's always a choice to have faith, to hope, but right now it feels impossible.