Down and out

 H and I are done it looks like.  More so than any other time in the past. 

If I can't respect him, how can I be in love with him? That's not to say I don't love him. I do, and always will. Same as I love Ricky, and Ayyoub, and Luke, and Micah. But I just can't. 

I'm angry sad at him today. Because I have a date with someone else. I don't want someone else. I want him. I don't want to start with someone else. I want someone who knows me already. I don't want to have to decide if I'm compatible with someone else.  I'm so mad at him. Why couldn't he love me? Why did he not try?  Why was my love not enough for him?  We could have been perfection.  

ohhh

 It's been awhile. 

Pretty status quo. Ups and downs with H. Currently in a down.  I realize that if I was anyone else, I'd be telling them to let go. Why don't I take my own advice? Don't know. Superiority complex maybe. I think that if I hold on I'm proving something, to him, to myself... it's literally insanity.  Guess it's lucky that I don't have anyone else knocking on my door. 

It's a weird thing to live alone. I'm wearing big fluffy Christmas socks, comfy pants, a sweater dress shirt. Nothing matches, it just happened. But, it's comfy. Started packing presents for my nieces and nephews to be mailed later this week. Emptied out the fridge and started boiling some broccoli that was on it's last legs. While that's on the stove, I started rearranging my todo list into my binder so that I could easily access next steps. But then I smell burning, I had taken too long away from the kitchen and the water on the broccoli had boiled away and now was burning. I jump up and put the pot in the sink filling it up with water. Turn the vent on the stove on and open the door to let out the stinky air.  This one room apartment now smells like burnt broccoli and smoke. But no one has to know except me, and now you. No one will complain. It's a whatever.