Life goes on

What a traumatic week. I was called things I have never been accused of in the past. I was told that I create drama, cause division in the church, am immature and disloyal. None of which actually apply to me. At this point though, I don't want to talk about it anymore, think about it anymore. I'm just done. It's sad, because I made this group an extention of my family. I will not be participating anymore.  This is no longer just a knee jerk reaction to eveything. This is merely, if this is the way leadership really is, I have no desire to be part of it. That they are so offended that I am not willing to move in with this girl just shocks me. I can tell them time and time again that there was nothing drawing me to live in Canton, just to live in Canton. God did seem to want me to live in THAT apartment, because I was part of the community there. I wouldn't be if I was somewhere else in Canton. So, why wouldn't I go back and live for free with my brother, as opposed to living with a stranger? So weird.

This Friday I'm headed up to Michigan for a farm conference. I'm so excited. It's going to be awesome. So, my week will be full of moving and work. Now though, I'm just tired. Only got a couple hours of sleep last night, but I want to be at least a little productive today. I could've just slept the rest of the day away.

Discipleship

I don't believe in it. It's not like I'm saying I don't believe in the tooth fairy, it's just that I'm saying, I don't think it's right. "Go out and make disciples of all the nations"doesn't mean what these church people are teaching. I don't need you to disciple me. I am not your disciple. I'm not going to go out and get myself people to disciple, because I don't want to. I'm not the one to follow, you are not the one to follow. I will however, follow Jesus. I will however introduce people to this awesome friend of mine named Jesus. I will not hold you accountable to what I think is right. You will hold yourself accountable. I will hold me accountable. I will make a list of what I know Jesus expects from me as his disciple. It may not match yours. This doesn't make me wrong.

Bah.

What do I do?!

Anything can happen, so it does.

So, as a spin on life, this one kinda takes the cake. The result of which, I'm upset, hurt, lost... no idea what to do. Here's the deal. Remember when I first moved into the apartment, almost 6 months ago? Remember how I don't have a roommate? Remember how I'm paying only half rent because they were believing in a roommate for me?  Yeah, well, the landlord called yesterday to have me come meet with him. Since my lease is up on the first, I guess I'm being evicted. They have other people that are interested in the apartment that can pay the whole rent. My only option is to find a roommate in 10 days, or pay the whole rent. So I'm out. Their solution was for me to move in with the current roommate of the girl that will be moving into my place. Which is rotten. Yeah, moving in with a perfect stranger sounds like a good time. Not.
This whole time I thought I was living there because I was part of the southwest village (church) and associated with the boys house my apartment would be the girls house. Apparently not. The leader of my village is the son of the landlord now, so that's awkward. Everything just gets so complicated at that point. The leader of the church basically says that I'm SOL. Who knew I was just a tenant. Not me. Very hurt. I just want to be done at this point. I want nothing more to do with them. Which is totally an overreaction. When you touch a flame, you jerk back and don't touch it again, right? That's what this feels like.
So, what am I going to do? I got the money from the lawyers so I have a little to play with. I could run away and live on the beach. I could stay... and live with my brother again..(very inconvenient) ... or... I don't know. I don't know what to do. Where am I headed, what are my goals? I'm back at the starting point again. Dammit.

More realizations

Yesterday I had some revelations about myself.
 I've been wondering where my joy has gone. I used to be so supremely happy all the time, and now it's not the case. The answer to this is that I have placed my happiness in people. I used to love going to work because I was friends with so many people there, it was like I got to hang out with my friends all day. Since the dynamic of work has changed (due to the majority of the people at work being now 18-22) I am no longer friends with most the people I work with. I live alone. I see parts of my family a couple times a week. But the sister I've been closest to my whole life, I feel like while we are still sisters, we are no longer friends, and it tears me up. I never see her, and she never wants to do the things that I want to do. And, I am not invited to hang out with her and her friends. She thinks I'm always judging her because I don't do the things that she does. I don't say anything but she says my eyes judge her. I can't fix that because I don't think I'm doing anything, it's in her mind. I don't know what to do. My church people community has been lacking because I can't make it to Sunday morning church every other week, I can only do the Sunday evening church every other off week. They haven't done the Sunday evening group in over a month, so it's been missing in my life. Last night was the first time, and I had to force myself to go. I am always the outsider. The people I am closest to weren't going to be there last night, so it felt halfway pointless. But, it turned out right that I went. 
I had made Ricky be my best friend, and I've had to let that go as he gets more serious with his girlfriend. It's not fair to him. The other people in my life have just been busy.  The moral of the story is this: I noticed how much my happiness is built on people. If I don't have people in my life, I am so very very unhappy. I need those connections.  But, this is a problem. My happiness shouldn't be based on other people. People disappoint. Happiness should come from within. Joy of life based on life itself. How do I change this though? I don't know.  That is also a problem. I'm not really good with not knowing how to fix problems. It stresses me out.  I don't live in a numb mind state. I think about things. The whys. I know most people don't, and I wish I didn't, I just don't know how to switch it off, besides numbing my mind with fiction and television so that I don't think about things. But then I realize how much of life I'm wasting.
I live in an apartment behind a house that was meant to be a community hub. But we don't hardly know our neighbors (because it's not that kind of neighborhood), and there are very little steps being taken in any direction, I think there is just hope that it will magically happen without having to think about the steps needed to take to get it there.  This is something I can help solve, with small dinners with individual neighbors... helping build the community.
I don't know. If you think of it, pray for me.

The Art of Happiness and Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys

I found this book when I went to check out the new Books-A-Million that has taken over Borders. I didn't buy it, just read part of it there. Dude. It's amazing. You know how I've said that God speaks to me in coincidences? Well, He does. I was listening to Tommy Hopkins and he was talking about words to avoid in the seminar on How to Sell Anything to Anyone. He spoke of how the average of people are unmotivated. My dad and I had been talking about the distinct lack of motivation in our family the last time we talked. I've been trying to realize what my ambitions are and what I should do about them.
He also was speaking on how we need to surround ourselves with people that inspire us to be better than we are. Something that I relate to, and also have read recently elsewhere.
I don't know why I have gotten into such a big self improvement kick. I don't even think it's about that. I guess I just like knowing motivators, the whys of people and the things they do.  We all have potential and I just want to fulfill that.

I guess that's it. (I always did want to be a cowboy....)

Writing

I think it may be time for me to resume writing. Not just blogs, but short stories -novels. I have been going through old notebooks, legal pads, random pages, I have so much content. Unusable of course, but the ideas are still good. My old friend Jeffery Walton still needs to be finished. I wrote the story line for the whole beginning, but the middle and end still need created.
I feel like now that I have so much more life experience the story will be better. I have more of a grasp on humans and how and why they do the things they do.

I spent the day once again rearranging my apartment, after having done it last week. This time it's better though. The way I just had it was okay if it was just me living there, but, I have to remember there is always a chance for someone else to move in.

Things have changed in the business world. My dad is switching gears and OTV is no longer. So much for my beautiful business cards. I told the parents I would help with whatever new venture they start. Then this evening I heard that Cracker Barrel fired someone that didn't deserve being fired. It makes me very upset. I want to do something else. I'm really good at what I do, I just need to figure out what else I'm good at.
I've been listening to Tommy Hopkins seminars on selling. It's just too deliberately manipulative for my taste. I don't know. I'm feeling lost again.

I think I'm going to go write. (After spending the day in seclusion, why not spend more?! :))

2012

I went out with friends for New Years Eve for the first time, ever. It's my older brother's birthday, so we've always just done birthday things and then ended it up with friends, games and watching the ball drop. (I didn't even see the ball drop this year. You know, when I was little and saw it for the first time, I was ridiculously disappointed in it... I think I wanted it to be a real ball that would either bounce or shatter at the new year as gravity pulled it to the earth.)
This year was alot of fun. I was either going to spend the evening by myself doing household chores, or go out with with the boys. I went out. I don't drink, you know, so I was their designated driver. They got very.... happy. haha. The one party we went to I was surrounded by more skinny jeans (on guys) than I have ever seen in one place at one time. It was hilarious.
There were lots of state of the union discussions, along with a surprising undercurrent of fear. Fear of what the year will hold. Fear of the direction our nation is headed. Fear that there is nothing we can do to save the planet.
I somehow do not fear these things. Yes, everything is going to crap, but it's one of those things that has to happen. The end of the world as we know it, people have always feared these things at all stages of human existence. Why will it end now? The poles will shift, the nations break apart like they did long ago, and life will continue on a smaller reduced scale. The industry age is over so no one knows how to build/make anything from start to finish anymore. Genetically Modified Foods are the norm, and their seeds are screwing up the heirloom plants. The earth cannot sustain the population in 50 years.
There is no answer to these things. There is just faith. Faith that somehow things will work out. What's the worst that could happen? I mean, we die. Everyone dies. You can't escape it, no matter if the earth explodes or not.

Anyway, that's my thoughts on the matter.
Met new people, laughed alot. Didn't get home until 3:30 in the morning, altogether a successful evening, I'd say.

I hope your year is filled with peace, hope and love.