pretty much done

I got pretty much everything accomplished that I needed to do before leaving done already. Tomorrow morning I'll swing by the library before work and drop off the books, and load the blanket and pillows in the car. Then I'll be ready to go. I'm going to spend the afternoon with Allie- we'll probably go swimming or something, and then work again, and head off, somewhere between 8-9 tomorrow evening.  Patrick called me back and said they have some room for me on next week's schedule, so that's good. Pick up some cash money. And, I'll talk to Rufus about a morning shift or two also. Make up all the money I spend on this trip, hopefully.

I've kinda got a lot of anxiety about the drive. I don't know why. Just dreading it so incredibly much. That's so odd for me. I drive all the time. I drive across country all the time. Why all of a sudden is this a big deal? It's not a fear for my safety, it's just the length of time spent in the car. Just want to teleport. Why is that not a thing yet?

I put all of my plants outside, and Stan said he'd come by every few days and water them for me while I'm gone. Thank goodness. I hate asking for help, but I don't want them to die while I'm gone! Stan lives the closest, so it's just easier for him to do it.

Gearing up

Today is Thursday. I leave Saturday evening for the 20hr drive to NYC, for Erikah's surgery on Tuesday.  I'm in the processes of figuring out what needs to be done prior to my leaving. Trying to figure out a schedule for the plants to be watered. I think Allie, Danette and maybe Tess will be able to come water them for me while I'm gone. 
My parents still want me to stay with them for the summer, but as time gets closer and closer to needing to make that decision, I'm not being inclined in that direction. Obviously I'll know more once I'm there.  I asked Patrick if I could work memorial day weekend- so we'll see what comes of that. That would be pretty great to make a few hundred dollars while I'm away.

As far as the rest of my life goes, still seem to be having epic conversations with people nearly every day. Making new friends, every day. My life is so completely incredible. Sharing my stories of travel, adventure, and the love of God....  they seem to inspire and bless people. Who knew.

Larry

I went to see Larry at the after school kids program yesterday. We talked for hours. He's super excited about working with Micah. But then he started giving me shit about him, so I had to tell him how I met him, and the current status of things. He's under the impression that there's no way anyone could stay mad at me, and that we should just hug it out. But if physical touch currently hurts him, that is impossible.  Larry wasn't nearly as suggestive as last time. I'm glad. I was kinda worried about going there yesterday because of that. But, I'll be gone the next couple weeks, so I figured I should say bye.
The conversation was mainly about relationships. His experiences, and things he's learned. It was good. There are things about him that I really like, but there's others that just blare "No."  The no's out weigh the attractive qualities.  He definitely likes to push the boundaries. He started texting me last night like he always does after he sees me. I had to ignore/laugh off a few things, and divert the conversation. I can't play that game. It's dangerous and heads us in a direction I'm not okay with.  It's not my fault I give good hugs. hahaha. He said I make a person feel completely wrapped up and cared for. That I have a magical touch.
Micah said something similar. Come to think of it, they've all said it. Ayyoub blamed me for us doing it. haha. It's not my fault. We were just laying there on the couch watching tv and I'd just rub his arm. I didn't know that I had a touch that could start things at that point.  Oh well.

On another note, one of my regulars asked me out to dinner last night. I had to tell him that I would always be his friend, but my heart is occupied. He was a bit hurt. But damn, son, I don't just go around talking about the status of my heart! Especially to guys. He's like 50, kind soul, but we have nothing in common.

I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Been there, done that. It's too hard. Leave me alone. All of yall. :)

Grudges

I say grudges, but seriously. You know how I have difficulty remembering when people do things to make me mad? Seriously, a day or two later, and I'm totally over it- so much so that if I haven't talked/written about it, I pretty much won't remember what happened.
It's pretty crazy. I feel like I should remember these things better. I just don't.
So, basically I vented all my angst about Micah talking shit, and now, I literally feel nothing. I'm not mad, I'm not sad- not even numb, it's just gone. When he ended our friendship it took longer for me to feel nothing, I'll grant that, but eventually, it too was simply gone.
I just don't really get angry. I get hurt, I get frustrated, but that's about the extent- and that's usually over as soon as I let it out. Or, a day or two.
It's so weird. I know.

On an entirely other note. I'm noticing some issues with my teeth, plaque build up under my gums, which I think is odd. No cavities, I don't think- that I can see anyhow, but definite sensitivities. I'm nearly 32, and have never been to the dentist. It's on my list of things to do. But, I'm lacking in health insurance currently. Maybe a dental school.

Tomorrow is adventure day, and I'm not entirely sure what to do. I should probably pack for the trip, but that won't take too long. Besides that... I would like to be outside. I really want to go standup paddleboarding. But, that isn't really an option around here with the gators and snakes. meh. I miss the ocean.

Life goes on

Friday night I went out to Artmosphere to listen to a new friend's band. He's Michael's cousin (my boss) - he and his wife came into my work to eat, and mentioned that I should come out and hear them play. I agreed to it, and invited Allie and Pam, my two new cohorts. Pam didn't come, but Allie did. But, I had such great conversations with Tyler and Suzette before and after Allie got there. It was awesome. Tyler is like 3 months older than me, and they homeschool their kids and garden-- they raise chickens. Definitely my kind of people. :-) Had so much fun that night.  Tonight, Allie wanted me to dress up and go out on the town with her, to which I agreed, but I had forgotten that I'd already told Pam I'd go with her to another venue here in town after work. Luckily, Allie didn't mind, and just came with us there. Good music there too. Hilarious conversations with drunk guys.
And speaking of guys. There's this older dude that comes into my work. He's somewhere around 50. Anyway, he's never been married, and I don't get the impression he's got many friends. So, he likes to come eat, especially if I'm available to talk to him. Well, the other day I told him that I'd be moving on to a different job, what with them selling the restaurant, and he gave me his number, so that he could call me about desserts or to find out where I end up working next.  Well, he sent me a text the next night saying how much he enjoyed talking to me. And then tonight he asked me to call him after work, just to talk. Sigh. I was just being nice. I'm not interested dude. I'm sorry. You're way too old for me, we have next to nothing in common, and we only talk about superficial nonsense.
I always play out scenarios in my head, it's how I know what the consequences for my actions will be. He is a kind man and would love me completely and totally. But I would be incredibly bored. I would've settled, and that I cannot do.

Sigh.

Castles

It's crazy how the subconscious tries to make sense of the state of your emotions in dreams. In my dreams last night, I was standing in a parking garage. There were kids there, Larry was there, and they were basically doing a sing off competition. I was just a bystander. Even he was ignoring me. All of a sudden you could hear sirens, and yelling. Everyone scattered. Next door was a castle, and it was burning. It was my home. But I didn't care, there was nothing to save. I walked away.

To him

I didn't realize you still had the power to break even more of me. I thought you hating me and not talking to me was literally the worst thing that could happen. But, this is worse. I found out today that you were talking shit about me, even after we had apologized. You for the things you said, and me, for unwittingly hurting you.  Then you go home, and bring up the past, and talk shit. How could you? I have never spoken badly of you, I have never let anyone speak badly of you. You hurt me beyond imagining, and cut me out of your life over something I never did or said- yet you wouldn't let me explain, you were simply done. You purposefully hurt me. I never have, and never would. Everyone inclined to think badly of you simply because you ended it all, I tried to make them understand why you did it, reacting out of pain on the only person within reach.
So why now, why now, when we've just seen eachother and spread forgiveness, do you immediately go talk shit over the past? That is not forgiveness.
And the thing you were talking shit over- me showing up at your house, to make you break up with me, end our relationship/friendship in person rather than over a text message.... THAT IS WHAT ADULTS DO. I'm am not 12. You don't end everything in a text message. You speak to them, face to face. You had not spoken to me in a month, after seeing me and spending the night with me 3 days prior to you stopping talking to me.  I needed some sort of closure, I never understood why, or what the hell had happened.  Yes, I forced you to do something that you were uncomfortable with, but it was what was right.
I am so sorry that you feel like your love as been stomped and crushed into nothing, but it never was by me, and you know it. I am so sorry that life hasn't been the happily ever after like we all think it should be. I am so sorry that I overwhelmed you by falling in love with you, and not falling out when you did. I never knew what the hell I was doing. I don't know the rules, and I never could play by the rules anyhow.

So much of me says I can't. So much of me wants to run away. Why did you have to move back and spoil my little world, in which I could love a memory and live my quiet solitary life?

The Father said that He would teach me to love like He does. He loves us when we reject him, he loves us when we love him, he loves us when everything is great, and he loves us when we despair in the darkest of nights. But, get this, He even loves us when we talk shit about him.  Oh, Father, you teach me such hard lessons.

So many emotions. I hate it.

Seeing him, alive and well. To briefly catch up. To know he's here. All of this has created the perfect storm in my heart. No, he hasn't texted me. No, he hasn't added me on facebook. No, he made no attempt to return to being friends, besides the apology. I know he won't, because nothing has changed. He still doesn't trust me. He still believes he's better alone. He still doesn't want me to love him. So he will not open that door.  And I understand that.
For me, I just want to talk to him. I want to tell him all the things I've learned, all the things I've experienced. I have grown in so many things since the last time I talked to him. I just want to share it all. I want him to go on adventures with me. I want him to see my little house and gardens. 
But on the flip side, the things we talked about, his appearance, the hardness in his soul, scares the shit out of me. Those are not the person I knew. Those are not the person I fell in love with.
I knew I loved a memory, but I didn't realize how drastic it would be.
So where does that leave me? Lost.
What does  it mean? I have no idea.  I don't know where this will head. I don't know what life will bring. 
Ever in the Father's hand.

Realizations of the morning

Yesterday, in a lame attempt to help, I said, "Remember it's not you, but Jesus." The response was, "Yeah, if I could just get out of the way."
Later that day, I switched up the usual prayer of "let him see himself like you see him." To, "let him see Jesus in himself". Not much difference, but the perspective is a tad different.
This morning, as thoughts raced through my brain, I realized how wrong I had been to say what I did.  Not only is it unhelpful, I know that, but, it's untrue. And it messes with your identity. SO MUCH of the Christian religion has been warped to bring you down. But it's SO NOT TRUE.  I'll say more about that in a minute, but, the realization that I had was: "Realize that it's a partnership with the Spirit/Jesus/God (whatever version floats your boat). You don't need to push yourself out of the way, you simply need to do it together. But, the idea of getting out of the way, lowers actually, your self confidence.  It's like a child, say he/she is not cutting a pancake quite right, and it's turning into a mess. So, the child wants to give up, and the parent has the option of doing it for the child, which enforces in the childs mind that he/she can't do it.  OR the parent can simply place their hands on top of the childs and guide the hands so they don't mess up. Enforcing the idea that YOU CAN DO IT. And, that the parent cares enough to help.
The trick to all this, and is what Jesus said, that we must be like little children. Not teenagers that can do everything themselves, not adults that don't need anyone else. But, little children, with the humility of the child. That moment of giving up, not saying, I can't do it- so I'm done, but saying, guide my hands, because You can do it, and show me how.


But, the arguers say, you're dismissing the need for a savior. Yes, and no. I'm dismissing that you are unworthy. I'm dismissing that you are a sinner and that defines you. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T.  Jesus, to the woman at the well, to nicademus, to everyone he came in contact with, it was never, "you are a sinner, you need to follow me." It was simply, "you are loved, go, and sin no more".  He says "no man comes to the Father but by me," and we have taken that to a whole new level, unless you proclaim Jesus, you can't get to the Father. What if you look at that a little differently. What if you realize that HE is love, and without love you can't see the Father. And you are forever trapped in a life of pain and anguish.
Why did Jesus have to die? To take on the sins of the world? Or to show the ultimate act of love?  To defeat fear, to prove that God never forsakes us even in the darkest of the dark. That love wins.

too much and not enough

I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I hate emotions.
Joie De Virve Café in my town posted that they were hosting Micah Dupuis between 9-whenever. I figured if I went in at 8:30 when they opened, I would miss him. No, he was sitting behind a pole when I walked in. "hello stranger!" he said in the voice that sets my soul afire. He comes over and hugs me. I don't know what to say, what to think. This is the one that hates me, what is happening. I lightly return the embrace and he asks if I knew he was there, "no," came my immediate reply. I didn't clarify, that I knew he would be there at some point, but I wasn't expecting him, I was hoping he'd not be there yet. Too many emotions, my brain is scattered. He goes back to sit down while I order my drink, I look over at him...just... I don't know how to handle this reaction. Finally, words squeak out in a scared rabbit voice. "Micah, did your dad tell you about Larry?" he jumps up and comes back over to me, "yeah, he left me a note on a postitnote that I made out something about him. I'll probably get in touch with him." - the girl hands me my drink, "do you have a minute that you can go outside and talk?" he asks me. "of course."  We go outside and sit down, he smokes a cigarette. He apologizes, and I hurry and tell him, no worries. I apologize back, he says he understands. Understands what? Not wanting to let go. I shrug. It was more the widely differing answers.
He asks me how life is here in breaux bridge, and I tell him in a very short nutshell, that it's been incredible.
He tells me he's moved back here, and will be around for at least a year. I take this in.
His arms are shaved, so I ask him why, he tells me everything is shaved, and his piercings are back in too. I wouldn't say part of me died hearing this, but it probably did.
He's no longer the person I remember. 9 months has changed him. There is a hardness behind it all. We get interrupted and then it's time for him to go in and play, he gives me another brief hug and I go on my way to church.
I came back for a half hour afterwards, just to show my support and forgiveness. Then it was off to work again. Just all sorts of emotions.
If...if he wants to be friends again, that's on him. we'll see how this plays out, until then, I do my thing, same as always.
One day at a time.

An Open Letter to my little sisters

I'm writing you this letter, because there are some things I want you to know. There are things that I have experienced that sometimes life has to teach you before you realize the truth.

In your life there will probably be lots of boys who think you're hot. Boys who just want to get in your pants. But there will also be a couple, or maybe just one, who think that you are worth it all, and are the most fantastic person ever created.
How do you tell the difference?
You would think that it would be easy, but sometimes it's not. The boys that just want to get in your pants can be extremely charming, and are usually super attractive. But things to be aware of, these guys will only briefly ask you about your day/life, and while you're answering the question, they'll add on to something you said that brings the attention back to themselves and their lives. They'll also compliment you a lot, which feels so nice, because this really cute boy is noticing you and thinks you're sexy.
But the one that values you, wants to know who you are, wants to know why you think like you do. He wants to make you laugh. He will also compliment you, but his compliments won't be to see how you respond.
When the boy that just wants to get in your pants touches you, he doesn't respect your boundaries. He will keep teasing until you give in.
When the other boy touches you, your boundaries become his boundaries, and he loves you enough to respect you. Sometimes you yourself will lose sight of your own boundaries, but he will still remember them, and hold you to it.
Love is the most important factor of all.
Some boys will swear they love you in just minutes, because they took one look at you and want you. Some boys will care about you because you're kind and funny and nice. So, they'd do you, 'cause you're hot.
But the others, they might love you right away, they might think you're hot, funny and nice, but they're interested in laughing with you more than bringing you home. Because a life together is what you want, not just a night together.
When it's right, you'll know, as cliché as that sounds. You won't doubt you are loved and love in return. But until that time, don't rush it. Have plenty of friends, and just laugh when a boy only wants in your pants. He'll grow up one day, maybe, who knows.

overwhelming

My brother and my dad decided to have it out, which caused my dad to reach out to the rest of us. Which caused even more damage. Huge amount of drama.  I was strangely unaffected by it though. I mean, it was there, but not wreaking havoc like it normally would've. I think it was the knowledge that it was all outside my control, and that I've blocked off that part of my heart after his suicide attempt.
I don't know.

I spent a few hours with Larry yesterday, helping with doing inventory. He was, very suggestive. I had to retreat a few times, because it was getting to a boundary line. He texted me later, asking what would happen if he kissed me. Sigh. And also, he asked why I didn't really look at him. Um, because it was too dangerous. I could tell he was in that mood and the slightest bit of encouragement on my part would lead to something that I was not okay with.  Because fact of the matter is, I'm not okay with it. I don't mind the hugs, I sometimes just really need a hug in my life. But anything more than that, I'm not okay with. And, the other thing is, I know he just wants in my pants. Because he knows next to nothing about me, doesn't ask me about who I am. When I am sharing something, he'll add to it, instead of letting me finish, or get distracted by something else. To top that, he only texts me after he's seen me, because, he thinks I'm sexy and have a magical touch.  So- there is nothing real there, it's just play and superficial, and that is a game I don't get serious about.

I asked him if he had listened to Micah's music, he had. Said he has a very original sound, and he'd be very interested in meeting him the next time he's down here.  I had to tell him that I don't talk to him anymore, so, a little of the story had to come out. I seriously cannot tell that story to people- it's too private. The only people that know are people that would understand the working of God in our lives. I can't tell anyone that would think poorly of him. I love him too much for that.
So, I told Micah's dad about what Larry said, and he said that he would pass along the information to Micah. And so the story goes.

lessons and laughter

I went to church yesterday and the message was on living by the Spirit. It was pretty great. He said some things that made me view things from a different perspective, which I always appreciate. He brought up the Lord's prayer- how first and foremost it's addressing God as our Daddy. Next it says worship. And thirdly- thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven- that God's will is that earth be like heaven, no sickness and pain- that we live in continual adoration.
There were many other points made as far as living full of the Spirit, and one of the examples he used was being filled with the Spirit- filled like Mary when she conceived Jesus, that we should be pregnant with the spirit. That being filled doesn't just mean to the top, it means overflowing,  nothing else can enter in.  I enjoyed the concepts.  This whole adventure of mine for the past year, almost 2 now, has been figuring out how to live wholly reliant on the direction of the Spirit.

In other news, Friday, Allie- the girl that I invited over to Easter with me, she and I had plans to go to the international music festival. Another woman came into my work on Friday, her name is Pam, she's been having a tough go of it lately, and apparently, that day was a rough one on her. Anyway, I ended up inviting her to come along with us to the festival, to which she'd gratefully accepted.  Unbeknownst to me, she had been telling my friend Raina the previous day, that she'd wanted to ask me to hang out, but was worried that I would think she was a lesbian. When Raina told me this, I laughed so hard. Oh my gosh. I would never.
But, we had lots of fun out on the town. I danced with an old man who kept leaning his head against mine to talk to me, but he was covered in sweat, and when I walked away, my hair was soaked, and it was not my sweat. We laughed so much.

And so today, I'm off to the beach with Micah's mom. Should be a fun trip.