lost

So I have arrived to my first destination and I feel lost. Should I stay? Should I go? If I stay, what do I do? If I go, where do I go?
This is a huge city. I don't really care for cities. I mean they're fine to visit, but it's so many people, and when you're alone- it's oppressively lonely. Traffic here is considerably worse than Miami, at least in Miami you always knew which way the ocean was, and that the streets would go north and south and east and west. They're a bit more jumbled here. Especially with all the little islands that make up seattle. Sigh. I don't know what to do.
I'm going to go out exploring for a bit today, see if I stumble across anything that tells me to stay. There's just been a lot going on in my life that makes me question what I'm doing. I really have no idea what I'm doing. And while that's brave, it's also scary as shit. I don't know where my place is in the world. I don't know where my people are. I don't know what life I want to lead.
When I find someone who I think matches my soul, and then find out we are on two different playing fields. I'm playing for keeps. He's playing to play because nothing is worth keeping. It's heart breaking because I care so much. I wish I didn't. I wish it didn't hurt me.
So I continue on, but I don't know how to proceed, or where to go, or where to stay. What do I invest in? What is important?
There is a tailspin happening right now and I'm so frustrated with myself. There was a northern star in my life, somewhere that I could wind up and be happy. But now that northern star exploded, and now there are just stars, how do I make my journey alone with no destination, no hope for a landing spot? All on faith? Oh faith, you tricksy beast.
I will be okay. I will right my mind to have faith in the moment and no hope for tomorrow. It will just take a minute.

continuing my journey

So far my trip has been great. Driving through places I've never been before, seeing things I had only read about. Sleeping in the car hasn't been super comfy. I'm not sure what has changed since the summer I did it for weeks upon weeks. Got used to a bed? I needed a shower too, so I decided to splurge last night and got myself a hotel room. But, sleep was strangely difficult for how tired I was, and then I woke up at 2:30 Mountain time, ready to be awake. Crazy. Didn't help though that the chipotle I'd eaten the day before did not at all agree with my system. I don't know why. Too spicy on an empty stomach maybe.
I'd met up with some friends of mine, well, probably should put them in the acquaintances list, actually. They're nice people, just super Christian. Which this trip seems to have been full of. It sounds mean, but I'm really glad that everyone else that I will see this trip, views the world more like me. I know their world, and I left it on purpose. These ones yesterday once again brought up the end of the world, which is supposed to happen in a couple of days, fyi. Super moon/particle accelerator- all this is supposed to change everything between the 24th-28th. And here I am in the mountains of Colorado away from everyone. I'm not a solitary person, but I'm okay with it. I would rather experience things with people, but if that's not possible, I'll do it myself. Much of why I'm writing this blog, and my travel blog, and writing to my unicorn.  It's a lot of writing, but I don't have much else to do!

So if the world does end as we know it, I will be fine. I packed light, and I know how to survive- I think. And I will be headed south, so I don't have to survive in winter. :-p

I'm about to venture forth and explore the mountains, the garden of the gods is calling. :)

On the road again.

So I just spent a week in Ohio, visiting friends and relaxing. It was great, but exhausting. I haven't spent that much time around friends in so long. Especially because it wasn't just the same friends, it was different ones a couple times a day, sharing my story and life. Catching up on their stories and the paths they are walking down. One of the hardest parts was to refresh into my Christian friends. I haven't been around that mindset in so long. It's just different. I am different. They are the same. So I remember the language, but I'm not quite on that stationary path. That may be unkind of me, but I didn't see movement towards greater grace, peace and love.
I did see so much despair and depression, and the lack of will to change. Not with my farm people though, the Schnabels have a sanctuary of nature and life- and it was an absolute joy to spend time with them. They are the reason I was able to stay as long as I did.

But, now it is time to move again. I must see more. Find more people. Experience more things. So here I go, on the road again.

The life of a retiree :-p

Sunday was my last day of work, and I left Monday morning for Ohio- my first stop in my adventure. I lived here for many years, actually, probably the longest I've lived anywhere, come to think of it. So it has the familiarity of "home" but I refuse to call it such because strangely, it's suffocating here for me. I can't tell you why exactly. Things I noticed, the obesity level here is high, everyone is super pale, and there is a overlying feeling of discontent in almost everyone.
Seeing people I haven't seen in a long time is awesome. Spending time at the Schnabel's house/farm, it's probably the most magic I will encounter here. Things are growing. There is joy. They are learning new things, expanding the farm. Making a learning center. Preparing for winter. It's pretty epic. There are flowers, bright yellow flowers- not sunflowers, that are taller than me! They are beautiful.
I spent some time with Fred and his daughter Barbara (who lives in Australia) she's here on a visit. That was nice. He kept telling me to stay. He's worried that something will happen to me on this adventure. But, I reminded him that I live a charmed life. Protected in every way. That is probably why I can be so free with my love- because I don't have to protect myself from anything. Interesting thought.
People keep asking me where I'm working, where I'm living now. I hadn't anticipated those questions. "I'm retired." I laugh and tell them. And then I explain that I worked 80 hours a week for the last 6 months, so I'm taking a break. Then, they look at me funny, but accept it. The where I'm living now, is more of a tricky question to answer. Because what they want from me, is where will I be going home to? I have no home. Home is where ever I am, or where I want to be. I have no plans to "return" to anywhere. I'm on a journey. Quest. Thing. :)
Speaking of which, I'm starting another blog- http://mybarefootadventures.wordpress.com This will be my public travel blog- hopefully full of pictures and words to bring everyone along on my adventure. This blog will be private- with thoughts and stories not for the general public.
That's the idea anyway.
Time to focus on some Spanish refreshers.

Vapor

I feel like a vapor, here one minute and gone the next. It doesn't take long to disappear out of lives when you're no longer in constant contact. Since I've moved as much as I have throughout my life, it's always been a struggle to maintain friendships. Life moves on whether you're a part of it or not. You feel a sense of loss without certain people in your life, but you move on.  There are 3 people that I will make the effort to hang out with in Ohio, 2 of which I stay in mediocre contact with, the other is less than that.
There is no one here that I will maintain any sort of in depth contact with, with the obvious exception of my family. I'm sure I'll keep up with my children on facebook or instagram, but besides that. My friends down in florida, there's 1. And then there's my friend out in Colorado. Strangely, that's it. What a weird superficial world we live in.
As I prepare to leave on Monday, I feel a sense of loss, but for what is undefinable. I'm glad to be going. I'm glad to have new adventures, and meet new and interesting people, and most of all, I'm glad for time to sit back and learn stuff that I haven't had time for. I'm most excited for bookstores, (which we have a distinct lack of here on the beach.)
The sense of loss may have to do with the wondering of identity- if I matter- if anyone feels the sense of loss at the lack of my presence like I feel with theirs.

I wonder if all the effort I put out is worth it.

"Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everyone sees you're blown apart. Everyone feels the wind blow." So today I feel like a vapor in the wind. Here one day and gone the next. 


I've been working non-stop since Thursday, so my exhaustion level is way up there. I went to the store yesterday in between shifts and couldn't even force myself out of the car to go in. I put my seat back and slept in the parkinglot for two hours before making myself go in and grab what I needed before heading straight for work #2.
Tomorrow though, tomorrow is my full day off of work. I can't wait.
...I should clean my car tomorrow.. and finish packing.
Adventures await.

Old conversations

I don't have much in the way of things. But I have a lot on my computer. A lot of old conversations saved from instant messaging. A lot of things I wrote, stories, articles. I don't feel different than I was at 18, but I am. Considerably. 
Even just reading old letters to the first guy I for real crushed on. He was smarter than me, and helped me grow, helped me to think about things from different perspectives. That was just 5 years ago, and the amount I've changed and grown since then is astronomical. That's part of the reason I dread going back to Ohio every time. I love to see old friends, but the fact remains, life keeps changing us. When you don't do life together on a regular basis, you loose track of where people are on their paths. You don't realize they aren't the same as they were when you were there beside them. Things have changed. Experience has taught them or broken them.

Strangely fitting how much of my life memories are not things. Not even pictures... but words. Journals, conversations. Some of which have been lost, but some remain. It's painful at times to relive old conversations- questioning how you could've been so naïve. But such is how it goes, the painful process of becoming an adult- trying to break free from imposed thoughts and teachings.


My mind is quieter today. I needed to release some things. I needed the introspection that comes with writing things down. It's almost time to quiet it down completely. I can't wait. Solving only the problems of the moment, and only my own problems. It seems strange to even consider it.  I am so looking forward to the amount of learning I am going to do on this journey I am under taking. I am going to stop and read a lot, I think. There's so much I don't know and things I want to know and experience. One day at a time. Joy in the moments.

Safe

"You feel safe to me", he tells me last night. I laugh, "what?! I'm glad?"  "No, but for real, I don't have to worry about you being upset with me. I can tell you everything. You're safe."  "I'm glad you feel that way." I respond, but inside I'm thinking Shit. shit. shit. Not that I'm upset that he thinks I'm safe, but there is that look in his eye, that he has feelings for me that I don't reciprocate.  He had needed to vent about work, so I joined him for dinner to talk about it. He's been my only friend down here. But then he wanted to prolong it with a walk on the beach. There was a strange conversation about religion. But when I asked him why he brought it up, he couldn't really say.  I think it had something to do with him knowing that he's an alcoholic and needing to do something about it- he just isn't ready yet.


Another guy I know back in Ohio texted me today wanting to make sure I saved a lunch or dinner date for him. Of course I will, but goddamn. Why all of a sudden? I don't like it. Not at all.
It actually makes me very uncomfortable, and very much on the defensive. Which is weird for me, I'm not used to operating like that. But I feel like a porcupine. I'm just doing my thing, I'll be nice to you, but if you reach out to touch me, the bristles stand up. Hang on. I didn't say you could do that.

I don't want anyone else. There's only one.



I called my brother to tell him I would be there next week. I kept forgetting to tell him.  I reminded him that it's been way too long since we had a conversation. His response was that he felt like I disapproved of him every time we talked of late.  That was upsetting. I never meant to come across like that. No, I don't understand the choices that he makes. I don't understand why comic-con and twitter celebrity friends are important to him. It's not real to me. But that doesn't mean I disapprove of him. I just don't understand. 
There are so many misunderstandings in all relationships, especially when you aren't near-by to see all the body language and the looks of the eyes. Things that are left unsaid. Words that you don't know how to communicate. Feelings impossible to quantify.

Steadily onwards

Things progress, one step at a time. Still falling apart steadily. I'm anxious to finally leave. Trying to work my way off the schedule, even though I could use the extra money that I'll be making by staying the full time. The never ending lesson in patience. Ironically, everyone that's been causing me grief at job #2 weren't there the 2 days of me managing. They obviously still know that I will hold everything together in their absence.
I'll be on my way soon.
Watching the skies. Making final arrangements. Buying the last of the necessities that will be required at some point during my venture that I would need shipped to me, rather than buying on the fly.

Finishing the last credit counseling required by the state of Florida in filing bankruptcy. They require you to stay on the page for a certain amount of time, and even though it takes me less than 2 minutes to read each page, the majority of them make you stay on the page for 10 minutes before switching to the next. Very frustrating. What could be a very short process is taking forever.

Things with the unicorn did not end completely. He tends to overthink things and wants to protect me. Which is kind, but unnecessary. For now, just taking it one day at a time, making no plans, just seeing how things develop. I am not quite free to maneuver as I'd like. 14 more days. The countdown has begun.