Safe

"You feel safe to me", he tells me last night. I laugh, "what?! I'm glad?"  "No, but for real, I don't have to worry about you being upset with me. I can tell you everything. You're safe."  "I'm glad you feel that way." I respond, but inside I'm thinking Shit. shit. shit. Not that I'm upset that he thinks I'm safe, but there is that look in his eye, that he has feelings for me that I don't reciprocate.  He had needed to vent about work, so I joined him for dinner to talk about it. He's been my only friend down here. But then he wanted to prolong it with a walk on the beach. There was a strange conversation about religion. But when I asked him why he brought it up, he couldn't really say.  I think it had something to do with him knowing that he's an alcoholic and needing to do something about it- he just isn't ready yet.


Another guy I know back in Ohio texted me today wanting to make sure I saved a lunch or dinner date for him. Of course I will, but goddamn. Why all of a sudden? I don't like it. Not at all.
It actually makes me very uncomfortable, and very much on the defensive. Which is weird for me, I'm not used to operating like that. But I feel like a porcupine. I'm just doing my thing, I'll be nice to you, but if you reach out to touch me, the bristles stand up. Hang on. I didn't say you could do that.

I don't want anyone else. There's only one.



I called my brother to tell him I would be there next week. I kept forgetting to tell him.  I reminded him that it's been way too long since we had a conversation. His response was that he felt like I disapproved of him every time we talked of late.  That was upsetting. I never meant to come across like that. No, I don't understand the choices that he makes. I don't understand why comic-con and twitter celebrity friends are important to him. It's not real to me. But that doesn't mean I disapprove of him. I just don't understand. 
There are so many misunderstandings in all relationships, especially when you aren't near-by to see all the body language and the looks of the eyes. Things that are left unsaid. Words that you don't know how to communicate. Feelings impossible to quantify.