the reason

I know I said that I wouldn't judge. And I'm not. I'm not judging you, you may do as you like. But, for me, and what I allow into my life and what I would go through heaven and hell for- this is not it, and since this is the life you've chosen, I cannot go down this road any further. I will always love you and adore you and compare every relationship to you. But, this is a weakness that I cannot gloss over. This is not something that my life can be attached to.  You will destroy me if I do, and I cannot save you. 

My heart is broken. 

confession

 I had started going on dates again. Nothing major and certainly nothing physical. I felt like I couldn't just keep on with you in my heart, while you obviously didn't want me and were perpetually with someone else.  But every time I was out, the conversation, listening to their stories... I just felt myself comparing them to you.  Was he going to make me laugh? Was he weird enough to appreciate how weird I can be? Does he have passions and asperations? Does he want to make the world a better place?  Does he love his family? Would holding his hand leave me wanting more? 

The answers were always no. Not to everything, but the majority, I just knew that it wasn't right. It wasn't a good fit.  But, they liked me. They pursued me. They wanted me.  They texted or called just to check in. They told me how they felt about me.   I didn't wonder where I stood.   But, that wasn't enough. If the rest wasn't there, this obsession with me wouldn't last.  And, that's what I need.  I need someone that has a fire within that burns for me and wants to merge with my fire to be a difference maker in the lives of people. 

I just wanted it to be you. You have the smile that lights up my world. You have the laughter and the passions. 

You have your weaknesses, but they don't define you unless you let them. You inspire me to be kinder, to love more deeply, to think about things from a different perspective. 

I will always love you. 

what is happening

 I don't even know what is happening in my life right now. 

Heath called me and asked if he could crash on my couch after having not really heard from him for the past two months. I've been spending this time getting over him and trying to move on.  I pick him up because his car got towed- and the first thing out of his mouth his how he missed me so much and really fucked up in pushing me away, and can we please try to do this?  So of course, without even thinking about it, I agree. I love him and never have stopped. He stayed at my house for 3 days.... and things happened.  And then he left and I had time to think. What the hell am I doing?  I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore, I don't think. If I believed him, if I thought he adored me too, I could fall back in love with him in an instant. But, with our history, frankly, I don't. 

And to make matters that much more complicated, there's a guy that has potential that I've been talking to. I started talking to him before Heath called... but it hadn't gotten anywhere, and then Wednesday he texts me this long great text, and so I responded the next morning about how I'm giving heath a chance. Well, he hasn't taken that for an answer. At first he was like, well, we can be friends. But, he's not wanting to be friends. He's wanting me to change my mind about Heath and give him a shot. 

I don't even know what to do. Not even a little bit. I just expect Heath to break my heart, and don't want to miss out on a good guy if that's the case. How horrible is that? 

life coaching

 so I've been working on starting a coaching business... sort of. It's so hard. I don't know what I'm doing. I hardly know where to start. I don't know. It's overwhelming. But, I'm working on it. 

I just feel like this is a step in the direction of making a difference in people's lives.